Disclaimer: I do not own characters or locations mentioned throughout. I do not write this for any form of monetary gain, simply to (hopefully) entertain.
A/N: This is going to be in three parts. First part is during their school years. The second part will deal with Lily and James getting married, the war and all that jazz. The last part will be during Lupin's year as DADA professor. I turned the Lily/Severus relationship a little on its head, and, though I love Tonks, am ignoring the fact that her and Lupin get together.
Warnings: Probably language, because teenagers are naughty that way :) May have some sexual themes later on, if I feel it fits. It all depends on how the story forms in my mind.
James and Severus never liked each other. From the moment they laid eyes on each other, they despised one another. It was something I could never understand. Sirius didn't help the situation of course, encouraging the pointless hostilities. And Peter, well Peter was Peter.
Then again, it wasn't like Severus was the most likable person. He didn't exactly hold up a sign saying 'hi, let's be friends'. Not that anyone would believe him if he did. Outside of his Slytherin friends, no one really cared much for the pale, scrawny, young man.
"Why do you antagonise them?" I already knew the answer, I could hear the words in my mind before he even said them.
"I do not," he took a deep breath, calming himself. I was only trying to help after all. "I don't antagonise them. I didn't even say anything this time."
"Yeah, this time." I muttered darkly under my breath, gently patting at a cut above his brow with a damp cloth. It was something I could have fixed with the wave of my wand, but I was in the mood to teach him a lesson.
"Why do you insist on using a muggle method?" His words were as soft as his touch, fingers gently wrapping around my wrist. "Magic would be a lot more efficient."
"Maybe I just want to get close to you." I joked lamely, pulling my arm slowly from his grasp. "Besides, it's not good to be completely dependent on magic."
Severus made a small noise in the back of his throat, pulling out his wand. With a flick of his wrist, the cloth and small bowl of water I had been using disappear. I contemplated giving him a dirty look, but I know that would only encourage him.
For a long moment there was nothing said between us. It was often like this. My friends would tease him, abuse him, I'd watch in silence. Once they left, I'd help him up, take him to an empty room and set about cleaning him up. Severus would leave soon, without a word. He won't thank me, and he definitely won't acknowledge me when we pass in the halls. No, I wasn't good enough to be his friend.
Not that I blamed him, not many people were too happy to keep the company of werewolves. Though, he didn't know that. We had been practicing this ritual for years, my habitual aid after he was beaten, and he still didn't know.
"Why do you do this?" His words surprised me. I would have expected him to have gone by now. Back to his friends, back to the people he trusted and wanted to spend time with. Back to people who didn't even care when he was bullied.
"Do what?" I knew what he meant, and he knew it. I was just stalling.
"Why do you help me?" My hands tied themselves together in my lap, a strange shock of nerves shooting through me. "Is it to ease the guilt of not stopping your friends when they target me? If it is, I'd ask you to stop."
"No, it's not like that." I said hurriedly. A little too quickly from the look on Severus' face.
"Then why?" It was easy to see he wouldn't believe my words, his mind already made up. "What could possibly make you want to spend time with me?"
"I," the words died on my lips. Blushing, I turned away, unable to face him.
"As I thought." He humphed. I listened to him stand, heard the door swing shut as he left the room. Sighing softly to myself, I followed his lead, deciding to see if Peter needed help with his homework.
It was almost a month before Severus and I were back in a small classroom. Dust coated the floor of this one, the desks showing signs of disuse and decay. A cut lip today, from where Sirius' fist had met flesh.
Nothing was said between us, no words entering the air as I tend to his wound. I had almost stepped in today, had almost prevented this newest injury. But once again, I couldn't find the courage to stop Sirius, or James.
I kept trying to convince myself they were only boys, that they would grow out of it. Even in our fifth year, nothing had changed. They hadn't grown out of it, if anything, they got more inventive and cruel in their treatment of Severus.
Though, Severus didn't help the situation. He always had to fight back, always had to talk back. Always had to avoid my gaze, silently telling me I wasn't even good enough to stand up for him. Good enough to save him.
"You want to know why I do this?" I hadn't meant to say that. I hadn't been planning on talking at all. Now I'd only give him more reason to hate me. More reason to scorn me.
I had finished cleaning his cut, my hands twisted in my lap once more. He had yet to magic away the spoiled cloth and leave, as was his custom. My gaze was trained on the ground. I had no way of divining his thoughts, and I was too scared to look up. I didn't want to have to see hatred or disgust in those deep black eyes.
For a long while he didn't answer. I was relieved, I didn't have to finish the thought. My heart raced, waiting for him to storm off again, and never accept my help again. By the time he did speak, I was wound so tight his voice made me jump.
"Yes." A single word, delivered in his usual monotone. Not very encouraging.
"I do it," I had to pause. Just take a deep breath Remus. "I do it, because I want to be your friend."
Awkward pauses, long moments after a big announcement, and the full moon, were my three least favourite things. Not necessarily in that order.
"You what?" The time it took for him to speak those words, it felt like an eternity. I had wished the floor would swallow me whole a hundred times over before he had opened his mouth. Breathe Remus, just breathe.
"I-I want to be your friend." I eventually chocked the words out, pushing them out past a sizable lump in my throat.
"Why?" The word was so incredulous, so disbelieving, I couldn't help but look up. My eyes met his for a moment, quickly scanning them for any hint of what he was thinking. The open confusion only managed to mystify me.
"What do you mean 'why'?" Not the best tact, but it was far better then blushing like a fool.
"I mean, why would you want to be my friend?" I had to admit, his words hurt a little. It was almost like I was stupid, for wanting to be his friend. Like I was a fool for feeling some need to form bonds of kinship with him.
"I don't know." I had had all the reasons planned out. The little list in my mind, always at the ready to defend my actions. That speech on the tip of my tongue to justify the need to help him, the need to be there for him.
"Don't lie to me Lupin." Yeah, that hurt. That tone, with so much venom, it could kill. "And don't bother trying to ease your guilt by helping me again. If you really wanted to be my friend, you wouldn't let those neanderthals treat me the way they do."
As I watched him go, I knew he was right. I couldn't honestly expect him to believe I wanted to be his friend if I wouldn't even stand up for him.
Sighing to myself, I made for the door, mind still caught up in all the things I should have said. I hated it when the perfect words came to me, always too late for them to be uttered. So introverted were my thoughts, I didn't see a body fast approaching me.
"Hey Moony, guess who I just saw." Sirius grinned at me, that same smile that told me he was up to no good. The smile that usually led to a detention or three.
"Hello Padfoot." His smile faded for a second, my unenthusiastic reply far from what he wanted.
"Snivellus Moony, it was Snivellus." The grin was back, along with a bark of a laugh. "And he was nearly running, as though the devil himself were after him."
Inside I froze, my mind kicking into overdrive as it pondered Severus' actions. Outside, my head nodded, my lips formed a pathetic attempt at a smirk. My feet fell in line with the long stride of my friend, following him after his intended prey.
It didn't take long to find Severus. Sirius had a strange knack when it came to tracking down people. I automatically attributed it to the dog in him.
I knew where we were going before my companion did. Severus had few place he liked to go, his favourite being under a tree by the lake. I couldn't count how many times I had watched him while he was under that tree, reading, completing homework, or just thinking, staring out on the blue water.
With each step, I wanted to tell Sirius to drop it. I wanted to take my friend back up to the castle. I wanted to be rid of the growing dread in the pit of my stomach. Mostly I wanted to avoid the moment where Severus would ignore me, silently proving he was right, proving I didn't care about him.
"Hey, Snivellus." Padfoot practically roared over the short distance between us, easily catching the smaller boy's attention.
Severus jumped, his whole body twitching at the tone used against him. He didn't reply though, didn't even raise his head. Instead his eyes remained fixed on the water. There was nothing else in the world to him, just the slowly undulating water.
"Snivellus, I'm talking to you." Sirius strode forwards, closing the gap between himself and his prey easily. He loomed over the seated figure, a feral grin on his face.
"Sirius, don't." I watched the way Severus jerked his head at my words from the corner of my eye, quietly squashing my joy at surprising him. "Come on, let's go back to the castle."
"Come on Moony, I just wanna have some fun." I kept my eyes trained on Sirius, who watched Severus, who continued to stare beyond us, as though we didn't exist.
"No Sirius," it was hard staying forceful with my friend. "Now come on, let's go."
"What's up with you lately Moony? Can't even enjoy a bit of Snivellus hunting these days without you getting your knickers in a knot." It took a lot of effort not to blanch at his words.
"Please Sirius, can we just go inside?" Resisting the urge to look back, I began to walk away. I had only taken a few steps before I heard Padfoot following, allowing me to finally relax.
This time it was a week before we were back in a classroom. A dungeon this time. It was cold, dank and dark. Severus seemed quite at home. I couldn't stop shivering.
"So, you really do want to be my friend." My fingers gently held his face as I cleaned some blood from his cheek. I hadn't been there to stop the fight. "I still can't understand why."
"You don't have to understand." Distracted by my work, my tone was harsher than I meant. "You don't even have to return the sentiment." I added softly as an after thought, my fingers slowing in their work.
We didn't speak again. Not even when I accidentally pressed a little too hard, and made his face scrunch up slightly in pain. Wincing at my mistake, I made sure to be extra gentle afterwards. There was no mention of my offering of friendship, which I took as a good sign. It was much better than him simply up and leaving.
Washing away the last of the blood, I allowed Severus to dispose of my tools like normal. For a long moment we simply sat there, both lost in our own slight rustling of his robes was the only warning I had, before the large door squeaked on its hinges. I gave it a slow count of ten before I followed.
The Gryffindor common room was blessedly empty that night. Not even James and Sirius could be found. It was only Peter and I for a long while, he had come back early from dinner and I had opted not to go at all. It was drawing closer to the full moon, and my appetite was suffering for it.
"Moony?" Peter sat beside me, a large pile of books in his arms. I made a small sound in the back of my throat, moving my own books to make room for him at my table. "Can you help me? I want to start preparing for O.W.L's."
"Sure." I resisted the urge to tell him he should have begun preparing months ago, it would only upset the small boy.
We worked quietly for a while, my mind pulled between my own work and assisting Peter. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence, my helping Peter, at least he made some attempt to study. Sirius and James wouldn't, they'd just use whatever talents they were born with, and wing it.
"Moony?" I'd never admit it, but the timid tone of Peter's voice always annoyed me. James liked that someone hero worshiped him, and Sirius was happy to put up with him as long as he wasn't underfoot, but Peter's voice just grated on my nerves.
"Yes Peter?" I was barely paying him any mind, my hands still moving constantly. One flicking through thick tomes, while the other took notes.
"Is that blood on your hand?" His voice became strained at the mention of blood. "Did you hurt yourself?"
"What?" Looking down at his words, I saw he was right. Amongst the black of ink, there were flecks of dark, almost brown, red. "Oh, I must have pricked my finger with a quill or something." It was a pathetic lie, and I knew it, but I wasn't about to admit where it came from.
I was saved from further questions by the sound of the portrait swinging open, Sirius' booming laugh saying without a doubt who it was. Wormtail practically jumped up, rushing over to the pair. Choosing to wait for them to come to me, I went back to my work.
"Ever the workaholic Moony." James laughed, sitting across from me. Sirius plopped down beside him, Peter taking his original place on my left.
"Prongs," Peter began, in that whiny tone that only he could use. "Moony hurt himself."
"Oh?" James turned concerned eyes on me, eyes I couldn't meet. "What? Did you run into a stray quill?"
"Yeah, something like that." I laughed, quickly showing them the dried blood mixing with fresh ink. "I guess I got a little too caught up in the study, didn't notice I had hurt myself." Laughing easily at my apparent misfortune, my friends went back to their own little discussion. It was so often I was there, yet not there.
I'd sit with them, laugh with them, but still I felt like I was in another world. My mind always in my books, or in the clouds. I knew it was my fault, I never really let them in. Shaking my head to myself, I refocused on the matter at hand. Exams, O.W.L's, that's what was important now.
He never asked me. I would have told him, had he asked. I mean, a friend doesn't keep secrets. But no, he didn't ask. Instead he tried to snoop, tried to spy. And then Sirius got to him, and everything went wrong.
Severus knew now, knew what I was. Knew why I disappeared every month. Knew it wasn't because of an ill family member, or some other pressing matter that took me away every full moon. He saw what I was, and I almost killed him.
If it wasn't for James, pulling him back at the last moment, I probably would have ripped him limb from limb. The thought made me shudder. I was furious with Sirius, furious with myself.
I almost killed my friend. Never mind how much danger my other friends were putting themselves in every month by coming with me. I was a beast, a monster, I couldn't be controlled. I had made James and Sirius swear they wouldn't come with me again, but I already know they'll break that promise.
There was no way I was going to face Severus again. I couldn't look him in the eyes and see that knowledge, that dark knowing look that betrayed what I was. My only option was to push it all to the back of my mind, and focus on exams. Yes, exams, that'd keep me busy.
It felt good knowing it was over. Even as I gripped the exam booklet in my hand, the vague wish to read over it again nagging at me, it felt good knowing I could relax for a week. Following James and Sirius, we took advantage of the good weather and sat by the lake.
James and Sirius quickly found the closest girls, immediately vying for their attention. Watching from the corner of my eye, I could easily track their every movement. Sirius' laugh, pitched just loud enough for the girls to hear. James running his hand through his hair, playing with a snitch. It was the same every time. Though James was worse if Lily was around.
The sun felt amazing. I could feel it warming me, sinking through my skin into my bones. My eyes slid close of their own accord, my head lulling back so that the warm rays played across my face. For a moment, life was perfect.
Of course the moment wouldn't last. Of course Lily would arrive. Of course James would notice Severus. Of course Sirius would encourage the 'fun'. Everything changed in a matter of seconds, the Marauders called to arms.
"Who wants to see Snivellus' underwear?" A flick of the wrist, a small incantation, and it was done. Severus hung upside down, glaring down at me. Was I meant to help? Would he accept my defence? I couldn't help but turn away, trying to pretend it wasn't happening.
"Put him down!" Lily, she always defended Severus. They were close, always had been. Though it seemed strained lately. I wasn't sure if I was happy about that or not.
Eventually James complied, and Lily was insulted for her efforts. Severus would never say thank you, it just wasn't his style. He hated needing to be saved. I couldn't really blame him.
Watching him walk away, I knew I couldn't be his friend. I couldn't hope to be anything other than someone he hated. And it hurt, it hurt me more than I could ever express.
I was late for the feast, and I knew it. Peter had left with James and Sirius, the trio accepting I'd get there when I felt like it. For a long while I sat alone in the common room, thinking.
"Remus?" The voice made me jump, looking around wildly.
"Oh, Lily, you gave me a fright." I smiled softly as she sat beside me.
"Sorry." She didn't speak again for a long moment, making me worry I had inadvertently upset her. "Remus, are you okay?"
"Hmm?" I wasn't really sure of what she was asking, though a part of me was sure I probably didn't want to answer anyway.
"Are you okay?" She repeated. "I mean, lately, you just seem, off." Lily trailed off lamely. Usually I would have brushed it off, her concern. For a long while I hadn't been too fond of the girl, not for good reason, but things change.
"I'm fine," I knew she could see through my false bravado. Damn woman intuition and all that. "Just tired." That was partially true at least, I hadn't slept well the night before.
"Alright." She didn't seem convinced at all, but I was grateful for the attempt. "Walk with me to the feast?"
Nodding my assent, I pulled myself off the comfortable couch. Turning, I offered Lily my hand, I was raised to be a gentleman after all.
Five months. That's how long I managed to avoid Severus. I was pretty proud of that achievement, considering two of those months we shared classes. I sat in the furthest seat from his. I became extremely skilled in disappearing when James and Sirius would target him. Hell, some days, I even managed to eat when he wasn't in the dining hall. It was a sad thing to be proud of, but I was proud nonetheless.
Of course this all came crashing down. James called Snivellus out, and I had nowhere to run to. Sirius had begun to make note of my disappearances anyway. So Severus ended up with wounds that almost landed him in the hospital wing, and before I could stop myself, I ran to his aid. Right in front of my friends.
I had lost my mind, that was the only explanation. I threw myself to my knees, my wand and lips working in sync to clean the blood and mend the flesh. Severus watched me with wide eyes, as James and Sirius could only look on in wonder. I couldn't really blame them.
By the time Severus was as good as new, or as good as I could get him, I don't know who fled fast, him or me. Knowing I couldn't avoid James and Sirius forever, I decided to take refuge in the toilets for a while.
You're being a girl Remus. Unsurprisingly, my pessimism didn't help the situation. Thinking of an excuse for my actions proved futile, my mind spinning. My friends were going to kill me, I'd just have to face that fact.
The walk back to the common room was long and nauseating. I mumbled the password, having to repeat myself when I hadn't spoken loud enough the first time. As I predicted, I was expected, a small table in the corner with an empty seat just for me. Biting back a groan, I took the chair silently.
"Remus," oh yeah, it was bad. It was always bad when they used my real name. "We're just going to forget today, pretend it never happened, okay?" Numbly, I nodded, the relief taking some time to travel through my body.
"Good." Sirius gave a sharp nod of his head, apparently deciding the whole issue was now dealt with.
It was barely a week this time, and for once, it wasn't because my friends had handed his ass to him. Severus actually talked to me, of his own free will. It was strange to say the least.
Strange in how he willingly approached me, even as I spoke with James. Strange how he asked to talk to me alone, trying so hard not to return the glare Prongs was sending his way. I'm sure James would have told Severus where to go, if I hadn't agreed straight away.
We walked to an empty classroom, Severus closing the door with a small snap. I was worried, there was no point denying it. Would he yell at me? Curse me? Or would he thank me? No, the first two were far more likely than the last.
"Why did you do it?" Not exactly what I expected, but better than what he could have said.
"Like I said before, I want to be your friend." I shrugged, keeping my back to him. My eyes played along the wall, though they didn't really see it.
"Why?" Anger, not a good sign. "Why do you say you want to be my friend, when your companions make my life a living hell? Why claim something that is so obviously false?"
"I do want to be your friend." I was pleading, begging. I spun around, hoping he would see the honesty in my eyes. "I just thought, I don't know what I thought." I shook my head.
Silence, again with the silence. Long, drawn out. Eating at my courage, eating at my stomach. It caused my head to spin, my mind going into overdrive.
"All I wanted, was a friend." Frustration tinged my words. "Someone I could talk to, someone I could confide in and could confide in me."
"What about Potter?" The way he spat the name, said it as though it pained him, it was distressing. He hated James so much, I could feel it radiating off him. "Or Black? Or Pettigrew?"
"There are some things..." I couldn't help but pause, take a deep breath. "There are some things I can't discuss with them."
"Like what?" I had piked his curiosity, that much was clear. Whether or not he actually cared though, that was a completely different matter.
"Never mind." Nice one Remus, say you want to be his friend, then refuse to open up to him. No wonder he doesn't trust you. Shaking my head at my own folly, I tried to push past him to reach the door.
Long, pale fingers wrapped themselves around my black clad arm, not so gently halting my movements. Black eyes, darker than pitch, bore into me. I wanted to flinch from that gaze, break it from my own, but I couldn't find the strength.
"What has you so worked up, you can't even tell your rag tag friends?" His voice was dark and velvety, unknowingly making me shiver. Bastard.
"How do I know you care?" He wasn't the only one who could question a persons motives. "How do I know you won't take the information, and use it to make my life hell?"
"Because," the word was growled, as was the rest of his sentence. "I am nothing like that scum you call 'friend', Potter."
"Let go of me Severus." Calm Remus, calm. Surprisingly, he did as I asked.
"You never use my name." I hadn't noticed. I was a little shocked he had noticed.
"Severus," I breathed it out slowly, letting it roll over my tongue. "I- I don't know how to say this."
"Preferably with words." His answer didn't help, a fact I conveyed with a harsh look. "Come Lupin, you're a werewolf. What secret could you possibly be keeping that outweighs that?"
There was no need to hide my flinch at his words. It wasn't just that he mentioned my condition aloud, so casually too. It was more that he assumed nothing else could compare. And maybe he was right. Maybe I was being a fool, not giving my friends enough credit. I just couldn't help but feel, they had already accepted too much about me. I didn't want to add the straw that broke the camels back.
"It's obviously eating at you." Severus continued into my silence. "If it helps, I won't judge you. I owe you no less, considering." He gestured vaguely to himself, reminding me of all the times I had attempted to help him.
"Do you know why I don't follow my friends' examples, and lust after the female population so soundly?" Talking slowly, I kept my eyes on my hands, my fingers twisting around each other.
"I assumed because you had more class than the others." Severus snorted, a sound that shocked me. "Though, I'm guessing that's not the case." A low, dark chuckle pulled through his body. Yes, he knew now, he realised. "Does our dear wolf prefer a different touch to his friends?"
I knew telling him would be a mistake. "Bite me Severus." Again, I tried to push past him. Again, he stopped me.
"Don't tempt me," he leaned close. To close. My brain yelled, warning bells ringing. "Remus." That was it, I was gone. The way he caressed my name, it destroyed all chances I had at forming coherent thought. I barely registered how his lips met mine. If it wasn't for the small part of my brain still functioning, I wouldn't have felt the softness of his lips, or the warmth of his mouth.
I wouldn't have felt the way his fingers buried themselves in my hair. I wouldn't have realised I was kissing him back, my body sliding into autopilot. My arms wrapped around his waist, and to my embarrassment, I moaned. I actually moaned into his mouth.
It seemed like an eternity until we pulled apart. I don't care how cliche that sounds, it felt like forever that our lips were glued together. We were panting, our lips flushed from the mutual attention. I could feel his saliva on my lips, but I couldn't care less.
"Why?" Great, he's going to think you didn't like it.
"You really are a fool Lupin." He chuckled softly, mostly to himself. It didn't help with my confusion, not one bit.
Still laughing quietly to himself, Severus pulled me close once more, laying another kiss on my lips. This one was softer, though no less passionate. It didn't last as long either, a fact I wasn't too happy with.
"Do you seriously think, I would let you touch me unless I wanted it?" It was hard to focus on his words, his lips and the fingers in my hair far more interesting. "Why wouldn't I just use magic, for such minor scraps and bruises? Why would I associate in anyway with a Gryffindor, unless I wanted to?"
He has a point. A small part of my mind informed me, the only part that wasn't focused on the way he was gently pulling at my hair. A soft noise drifted from my throat, encouraging the way he was stroking my cheek. Yes, this was nice indeed.
"Moony?" The voice made us jump, bodies flying apart. By the time James opened the door, we were on opposite sides of the room, backs turned to each other. "We're not going to make it to class if you don't hurry up."
"Coming James." I rushed to the door, afraid to look back, knowing if I did James would notice something was up. I was just lucky, and a little thankful, he was too busy glaring at Severus to notice my disheveled state.
"Wait," James stopped me as I reach him at the door, blocking my exit. "Why you so red Moony? He didn't hurt you did he?"
"It's fine Prongs," I allowed myself a quick glance at Severus. His eyes flickered between glaring at James and watching me intently. "I'm fine, he just wanted to thank me, for helping him."
"Huh, so Snivellus has some manners?" The disdain in his voice made me flinch, something Severus caught, though James didn't. "About time." With that, I was allowed to leave, herding James out before me.
I sent Severus one long, last look, promising him we would talk later. We had much to discuss.
Things settled down for a while, in the sense that they found a kind of rhythm. Severus and I continued to explore our feelings for one another, finding them to be very strong, and of a physical nature. James and Sirius didn't let up their bullying, though they were less inclined to do it in front of me.
They had no idea of the depth of the relationship I shared with Severus, though even they could see we were friends. With this in mind, they made a conscious decision to only insult Severus while I wasn't there, something I was grateful for. I wasn't fool enough to hope for more. Some things just wouldn't change.
Things were good, for the most part, and I was happy. I should have realised it wouldn't last.
Another room, this time locked. No injuries, no cut or bruises to attend to. Just Severus and I, holding each other after a very nice make out session.
I couldn't name how long we'd been together; unofficially dating. I was actually too afraid to mention it. I feared if I spoke it out loud, I'd jinx it, and it'd be over before I had really begun to enjoy it.
"You know, I always thought you had a thing for Lily." I wasn't sure at first he heard me, my words muttered into his chest. His nice, warm, not too hard, not too soft, chest.
"Is that so?" He didn't sound annoyed, which was always a good sign.
"Yeah." I has to pause for a second, distracted by his scent. Love struck fool. I reprimanded myself. "I mean, you two were always together, so it just kinda seemed logical."
For a moment I thought I had upset him, suddenly very scared I had brought up a touchy subject. The very real possibility that he had feelings for her wasn't lost on me.
"I was actually quite jealous of her." I continued softly. "All I could think was that she had you, and I didn't. I'm afraid it made me a little short with her a few times." I added with a weak laugh, silently hoping he wasn't angry with me.
"I do love her, Lily." I automatically pulled back at his words, only for him to tighten his grip on me. "I love her like a sister, something she can't seem to accept." He paused for a moment. "We grew up together you know.
"We've been friends for years. So you can imagine how awkward it was to have to tell her I couldn't return her feelings, because I wasn't so inclined. It was the same day I called her a mudblood, actually. The first time we ever had a real fight, and we'll probably never talk again."
I had no idea what to say, no clue as to what I could do make it better. My jealousy suddenly felt rather petty and more than a little stupid. With no other idea what to do, I pulled Severus into a tighter hug, hands linked together behind his back.
A small grunt, a wince of pain, and the smallest pull away from me was the first I knew of his latest injury. Letting go hurriedly, I gently pushed him back, hands searching for the source of pain as my eyes bore into his.
"Are you okay?" I knew it was a stupid question, but I had to ask anyway. "What happened?" Another stupid question, one I already knew the answer to.
"Potter and Black happened." My mind echoed his words. I couldn't help but flinch back at his expression, dark and hurt. "Your little friends got bored, and decided to jinx me 'just for fun'."
"I'm sorry." I murmured. I knew it wasn't enough, but what else could I say?
"Yeah, sure." He dismissed my apology, as if it was nothing. "Doesn't explain why you weren't there to stop them. They may not do it while you're around, but trust me, they make up for it when you're not."
"I'm sorry Severus, I'll talk to them." And I meant it, even though the idea scared me. The thought of facing my friends, and telling them the truth, absolutely petrified me.
"No you won't." I tried to speak, to assure him I would. He wouldn't let me. "No, you'll pretend nothing happened.
"You'll go on being ashamed of me, refusing to acknowledge me in the halls, using me. I'll just keep being your- your fuck buddy, instead of your boyfriend." There was a stinging in my eyes. It took me a moment to realise it was tears. "You won't tell your friends about us. You won't hold my hand as we walk to class, or kiss me in the hall, not that I'd want you to."
"Severus, please." He turned away from me, effectively pulling himself from my arms.
"No Lupin," he hadn't called me Lupin since we first kissed. "You think I don't see? You think I don't know? You don't want me, you never did. I'm probably just a substitute for Potter, or even Black."
He was at the door before I could stop him. Tears were flowing freely down my face, coating my cheeks. I should have known, I should have realised. I thought he knew, how I felt about him. I thought he knew how badly I wanted to be able to hold him in the open, kiss him without worrying who could see.
"Lupin," I never knew he could say my name with so much anger and disgust. "Don't ever come near me again, or it'll be the last thing you do."
I'd love to say that was the last time I ever saw Severus, but I had another year and a half to suffer through. He never looked me in the eyes again, those black orbs constantly denied to me.
I'd also love to say I got over him, but it was more than a little hard to, considering James never gave up making his life hell. It didn't help that Sirius had found me in tears, after Severus had left, and had, rightly, laid the blame at his feet. Once James had been told, his hatred for Severus only seemed to deepen. They never knew the true reason behind my tears, they only had to know they were caused by Severus.
A/N: I'm currently working on part 2, and I'll post it if it's wanted. Then again, I'll probably post it if it's not wanted.