Running Up That Hill
Author's Note: This is a light Cloud/Aeris romance, set in the City of the Ancients the night before Aeris' tragic death. If it helps whilst reading this, I should mention that I have yet to jump on the Aeris-knew-what-was- coming bandwagon. Also, unsurprisingly, I do not own these characters and intend no copyright infringement - I'm only borrowing Square's characters for fanfic purposes. As a side-note, I should say that I've stolen the title from an (excellent) song by Kate Bush, of the same title. Just needs to be said so that I'm not sued by anyone at all. Enjoy reading, and remember how much every author craves feedback!
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RUNNING UP THAT HILL
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'Look, I'm smiling at you, I'm smiling in you, I'm smiling through you. How can I be dead if I breathe in every quiver of your hand?' - Abram Tertz.
*
It was cold. The sleek chill of the heavy night draped the body and mind of Cloud Strife and he felt smothered by it. The night was thick with a heady, elegant scent, the darkness gentle and beautiful as soft hues of purple, black and brilliant blue played with the shadows and moonlight on the ancient walls of the chamber. It should have been a sight to take his breath away. But it was lost on him. All he felt was the penetrating chill of a draft that seemed to come out of nowhere. It slid through his skin and wrapped itself around his bones, making his toughened body feel frail and brittle.
It was more than that; it was the presence of that lonely midnight chill that haunted his mind, which crushed him into a restless state of insomnia. It was that eerie cold, that unsettling icy glare of the elements that sent shadows running through his soul. It was that sense that something wasn't right.
Of course, nothing had been right for a very long time. For a long time now, he had been hopelessly traipsing through the jungle of his mind without luck, hope or absolution; falling prey to treacherous pitfalls, losing every path and forever getting tangled in stiff vines. There were so many questions unanswered, so many forbidden secrets lurking there in the inky depths of his subconscious with a green and stinking intelligence of their own. And there was Sephiroth. Always, it came back to him. Cloud could feel his former friend's dark presence bubbling with cold contempt within his thoughts, tormenting him. He had some control over him, some terrifying connection to his mind and he felt like it was splintering his psyche apart, driving him insane. Since he gave up the Black Materia, since he hurt Aeris, he was afraid of himself, of what he was now capable of. Worst of all, he could feel Sephiroth skulking within his mind, feel his tangible presence and he longed more than anything to lash out and defeat his hold over him, but he could not. This was something he couldn't fight. And slowly, it was alienating and ruining him. He felt lost, alone and utterly wretched.
No, things were certainly not right and would not be right again for a long time. Of that, he was sure. But the slicing chill that swept through his mind was something more than that, it was an uneasy feeling, as though something terrible was happening and he was unable to stop it. He felt a foreboding. It made him feel sick.
Where was Aeris? All his thoughts, feelings and worries returned to her as surely as they did to Sephiroth. His worries for her and her fleeting safety were dominating him and had gradually become his sole consuming thought since she had left the group. It left him in a state of quiet, hurt confusion. Between the moment he had met her and the present day, her place in his thoughts had grown inexplicably stronger and since she had vanished with just a nod, she became the sole, sharp focus of his mind. He knew he had to find her. Soon. Still, he was afraid for her.
Where was she? Was she close? Would he find her soon? Why did she leave? What was she thinking? What was she planning? What if Sephiroth found her first?
Terrible worries gripped him fiercely, rising in brutal waves, one after the other. Suddenly, he felt possessed by a furious feeling of nausea as that feeling of foreshadowing rose again, rearing its ugly black head, polluting his hopes with dreadful doubts. Why did it suddenly feel like everything was going so wrong? Maybe because she wasn't there anymore, because she wasn't by his side that everything felt out of kilter. He had no idea where that thought came from but somehow it felt right. That without her reassuring presence at the very heart of the group, he couldn't help but feel morose and grim. Without her refreshing, warm spirit, nothing seemed as bright and simple anymore and that feeling set him on edge. He made no attempt to analyse those thoughts any deeper, simply shrugging it off as a flimsy argument against his persistent worries. It was the effect Aeris had on everyone, he thought. It was something about the way she was that affected him so deeply but everyone else probably felt the same in their own way, he reasoned. Aeris was special like that.
Still, he knew he wouldn't feel right until he found her. He recognised that he wouldn't feel safe in himself until he knew that she was with the group again, with her friends, where he knew she was alright, where he could see her and speak to her and where she could smile at him.
It was little wonder he couldn't sleep, that he found everything around him so stifling when she was the only thing on his mind, when she suddenly became all that mattered. No matter how hard he tried to rationalise things to himself, no matter how hard he attempted to cling to her own optimistic words, he felt defeated by a cold, seeping fear. He couldn't shake the thought that something bad was going to happen.
He had assumed from the beginning of the team's search that - like Aeris herself would have phrased it - everything was going to be alright. He assumed that they would persevere and find her eventually and figure out what was going on. But for the first time, he began to feel in his gut that something was very wrong. That something beyond his control was happening and he was powerless against it.
He had always dove in headfirst into situations and now the feeling that all he could do was wait and see was maddening. That was why he was so restless. He sensed deep inside him that something was wrong and he couldn't do a thing about it. He felt that a close friend was in danger and there was nothing he could do but wait and pick up the pieces. The thought that Aeris was probably in mortal danger and that he could do nothing to help her or protect her was despairing. He felt he needed to be doing something to feel as though he wasn't completely helpless, that he was at least trying to protect her in some way.
If anything happened to her -
He didn't complete that thought. Just as he hadn't completed a few tender words of comfort to her in Cosmo Canyon. His mind flew back. But I'm. . .we're here for you.
He pushed that pessimistic thought far from him. Nothing would happen to Aeris because he was there. He would not prepare for the worst. That solitary thought remained incomplete and glittering morbidly in the depths of his mind. He replaced it with the thought: Nothing would happen to her. She had strong friends and she meant the world to them, they would find her and, together, they would find a way and keep her safe.
He would find her. Nothing bad was going to happen. He was just worried about her, that was all. She left so quickly, without a word. He had been shocked and disturbed by it. And of course, he was full to the brim with guilt and shame for having hurt her. And Aeris was his friend. They had been through a lot together. Just like all of his friends. They shared good memories and bad memories. She meant a lot to him and he was worried about her safety.
He would feel exactly the same if it had been anyone else missing instead of Aeris, he reasoned. But somewhere, in the back of his mind, some remote part of him, a brief flicker of a thought, tangled and lost, contradicted that cold rationality. With Aeris it was different. Somehow, it just was, even though the reason behind this escaped him. When Aeris was in danger, it was as if it was him that was in danger, as if a vital part of himself was under threat and an instinct of self-preservation, of his own selfishness, of his own need, that made him try to save it. Because without it, the rest of him was at risk and he could very well be deeply wounded and incomplete without it. Or he could die.
Weary, he pushed those thoughts away. They made no sense to him and he only wanted rest, a release from those worries that wracked his mind. He hoped to find that release by finding Aeris, by protecting her, but for now, all he could do was sleep. They had reached the City of the Ancients and were lodging in a house made of exquisite marble and fragile shell. He was tired and confused. He just wanted to know if she was alright but somehow, he didn't quite trust himself. Somehow, he felt that he was fighting a hopeless battle, running up an impossible slope or from something he knew would eventually win.
It was still cold.
Exhausted by the day's travels, trials and battles and by an uneasy confrontation with what was continually leaking from his mind, he settled down beneath worn sheets, longing for a shred of peace. Gradually, his body found some ease in a reluctant slumber.
*
He had been wading through the icy seas of his sleep, floating through fragments of memories and half-remembered voices. Sleep was never a pleasure for him recently. There was so much confusion as his subconscious roared in a battle against him, flooding him with a jumbled tirade of images, trying to force him to see some form of truth. It only made him even more lost.
Suddenly, a presence broke through all that confusion, like an arrow of light effortlessly piercing through the darkness. Even in sleep, he knew. It was her. She was here.
He hadn't expected the eagerness that suddenly swept over him, the eagerness to see her, to reach out to her, to make sure she was real, that she was alright. The intensity of that one instinctive emotion startled him - it was a feeling so alien to him to suddenly be so boundlessly happy just knowing she was there. He suddenly felt strong, like if he had to defy anything just to make sure she was actually there, then he now had the will and ability to do so. In one fluidic but graceless motion, he had swept his covers off him and was on his feet, gazing into the darkness. She was here, he could feel it!
"Aeris?" he called out into the shrouding quiet of the chamber.
Somehow, the chamber was different. It was thrown completely into darkness, but this time the dark wasn't cold or oppressive; instead, it was blanketing and familiar as the shadows played in the corners of the small room. There was a light somewhere but it was not the pale light of the moon. Instead, it was the thrown, borrowed light of a campfire, spilling an intimate warmth into the chamber as the dancing shades of red, orange and yellow flowed into each other and flirted with the thick shadows. It was so warm and filling and brilliant at the same time.
From the possessive grip of the dark, she emerged, bringing with her the heavy scent of flowers. It was her eyes he noticed first - those brilliant green depths, like the effect of golden sunlight striking green grassy knolls, making the greenness darker and the darkness greener. It was only after giving a pleased sound at seeing those eyes - it had to be her, no- one could conjure an imitation of those eyes! - that he saw her rich, thick nut-brown locks and her small form, ever garbed in pink, so fragile in appearance but with a core of solid steel, her soul. He had no need to notice her smile, that lit up her face, because every fibre of air surrounding her seemed to be smiling with her. Even the firelight seemed to be smiling in unison with her lips. Perhaps it was something about her desire to make friends with the whole world that made everything around her seem warmer and brighter.
"Aeris." He breathed out her name, his voice suddenly thick with relief. He gave a small smile, still slightly unsure and awkward. He had no idea how his cold, shielded eyes lit up when he saw her.
"Hey." She said, knowing no other way to greet him but casually. Her voice was a strong and untethered but lonely thing, but as she spoke, it overflowed with tangible warmth, as if she was pouring all the love in her spirit into that one word.
Lights danced mischievously in her bright eyes and she raised an eyebrow at him, her smile wry and playful. "You look good." She said.
It was then that he noticed how he looked. He was wearing no shirt. It was a strange embarrassment he felt - he didn't turn red or quickly fling a shirt over him, but stood, suddenly as awkward as a schoolboy. It was then that he noticed the reason for humour. He was different. He didn't look as strong, he didn't look lean and muscled as he was in life - he looked thin, gangly, weak and boyish, as though he'd never joined SOLDIER and been toughened up by its gruelling training. He was pale and lank and his left shoulder harboured a few stray pimples. The only element of him that was the same was the hardness of his features, like carved ice, his deep-set and flint-sharp eyes and his pale blond hair, spiked into the shapes of merciless icicles.
It was then that he felt the deepest, most exposed shame that he remembered. It was a personal and intimate agony. It was as if he had become a part of him that was weak and destroyed, long hidden away. It was the part of him that was weak and vulnerable, the side he dared not let through, even to his friends, the side that only saw daylight when he let his mask slip. Now here it was, the accumulation of all his most despised flaws, exposed in a grotesque way, as his own body. And Aeris was there to see.
He suddenly felt a deep, irrational anger at both her and himself as he stood there, ashamed and disgusted with how he appeared, so like the boy that couldn't stop Sephiroth from destroying everything and everyone he loved. Another part of him felt free and relieved to finally be exposed, as if knowing what he was lifted a terrible burden from him. It was confusing, as if two sides of him were internally battling for dominance. Then he realised something that gave him a measure of comfort.
He exhaled.
"This is a dream." He said simply.
She smiled, a defeated but amused expression crossing her face. It made her look pretty. "Yeah. I'm sorry about that. It was the only way I could talk to you. I wanted to see you, for some last-minute closure, I guess. It's a big day tomorrow."
Her voice was surprisingly even as she spoke, her tones warm but still with an edge of iron-hard resolve and dedication to whatever she had planned. Her casual and jocular comments only made it look like she was trying to lighten something deeply important. Concern struck him as he looked at her, coupled with something else. Since they had met, their relationship had developed from more than flirtation and misconceptions about the other into a close and strong bond of friendship and trust that was rare to him. But always, it was laced with that element of possibility, that warm undertone of special affection and understanding that he didn't share with anyone else, not even Tifa.
Trying to keep his own voice even, he spoke. "What happens tomorrow?" Her eyes snapped to his an locked, burning with courage and determination. "Tomorrow, I'm going to save the world."
His brow furrowed, a confused heat rising into his alabaster face. "Save the world? Aeris, this sounds insane -"
With a huffed sound, she put her hands on her hips and gave him a fierce little glare. She suddenly looked sharply at him, the indignance in her fuming eyes assertively putting Cloud in his place. He almost groaned; he knew he'd put his foot in it this time. However, her expression was so comically outraged that it was loveable.
"Oh? And why is that, exactly?" she asked.
"It's just that. . ." he trailed off, suddenly feeling foolish.
"Yes?"
"It's. . .how can you do it? This is Sephiroth we're dealing with, coupled with Jenova and the Black Materia. I just don't see how it's possible."
"Cloud, do you trust me?"
Her voice seemed to command him to look her in the eye. "Yes, Aeris." He replied helplessly. "I do trust you."
"Do you trust my opinion? My judgement? Would you trust someone I trust? Someone I trust with everyone - my life, my mind, my soul! Would you trust this being?"
"You know I would, it's just -"
"I know, Cloud. I know. But the being I trust right now is the Planet. And the Planet has told me how I can do it, how I can stop Sephiroth and make everything right again." She said firmly.
"But it's so dangerous!" he said, trying to will her into not being so blind. "Sephiroth's after you, Aeris! If he catches up with you, he'll kill you without a second thought!"
"You think I don't know that? I understand. I'm used to danger, remember?" she said, with a light smile.
"Aeris, don't. Anything could happen between now and tomorrow - what if something happens? How can you believe that you'll be fine?" he asked.
Her voice was thick with hope. "Because I do. Because I know that everything's going to be okay in the end, because it has to be. I'll be fine because I can take care of myself, I know I'm not in over my head in this. I'll be okay and I'll come back to you. The Planet is watching over me, it's protecting me. I'll be fine. Everything's gonna be fine from now on, Cloud. When I come back, it'll all be over and all everything just going to be one happy memory."
She was speaking in complete earnest, her green eyes shining with piercing sincerity. She completely believed in what she was doing and just as completely believed that she would be returning. Cloud felt helpless against the strength of her hope, as if he was losing. He could almost tangibly feel her slipping away.
His speech became halting as he laboured to protect her from her own mission. "Aeris, I don't understand any of this."
"When I come back, I'll tell you everything, I promise. Cross my heart."
"Aeris -" he interrupted.
"But," she affirmed "this is something I have to do. I'm doing this for all of you. For you, Cloud and all our friends, for the world, for everyone! You don't need to fight any more, because I can do the hard part for you. None of us needs to risk anything now. You saved me once and now I can save you."
He looked around him, trying to find something to answer with, something to keep her near and out of danger. "Well. . .what do we do?"
She gave a bright smile. "You and the others don't need to do anything, expect buy some party-things to celebrate. I'm going to handle the tricky bit, you guys can relax now."
"Aeris, you can't seriously expect me - us! - to just wait and see! We're worried about you! How can I let you go ahead and get hurt or killed? I care too much!"
She raised an eyebrow at his impassioned comment but then, her gaze softened and melted into something more understanding, more sorrowful but tinged with optimism and happiness coupled with crusading purpose. She looked desperate to try and will some of her understanding into him through their eyes. It reminded him of how she looked on the night of their date together in the Gold Saucer. He had rarely seen her look so wise and warm at the same time.
"Thanks, Cloud." She said with incredible tenderness. "Thanks for caring."
A pause filled the chamber as the two gazed at one another, suddenly filled with feeling, but without the ability to articulate any of it. Cloud stumbled frantically through his thoughts and Aeris found herself concentrating not so much on the pause but on the meaning behind it. It made her smile. It made her suddenly very happy.
She looked at him deeply. "I just want to do the right thing. I can stop him and it can all end here and everyone's going to be safe and happy and the Planet will live on. I can make everything better again."
"Aeris, please. Don't risk it all."
"Cloud, I'm not risking anything. I'm going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay."
"But if it isn't -"
"It will be. I just know it."
Desperation burned in his voice and in his ice-blue eyes. "Aeris, stay. I mean, stay with us. Trust us. Tell us about what's going on, at least!" He paused, falling into realisation. When he spoke again, his voice was grim. "Is it because of me?"
"What?" she asked.
"Is it my fault? Are you doing this alone because you don't trust me? Because I betrayed us all before? Because I hurt you before?"
She shook her head, her deep brown locks swaying. "No. You didn't do it."
A black tide washed over him. "How do you know? How can you tell?"
"Hey." She said, her tone hard and strong, grabbing his attention. Her next words were firm. "I can tell. I just know. I know you. I know I can meet you."
"I'm the reason all the same, aren't I?" he said, bitterly.
"You know I trust you. I trust you with my life. I care, alright? I know that things have gone wrong, I know everything feels messed up but all the same, I trust you. It's him I don't trust. And I know he's there, that he's using you. But you're not him and I trust you, okay? You just have to remember to be strong." She smiled ruefully. "Besides, you're my bodyguard, remember?"
Her comment surprised him into a reluctant but genuine smile. It warmed her so much to see him smile. She knew he'd suffer so much, she could see the confusion and she wanted to help. She wanted to meet him. If only she could, she'd gladly have tried to bear some of his problems, to know what it was like to be him. Cloud Strife. The one who looked so much like Zack but was nothing like him. No, he was more. He was special.
She grinned. On impulse, she closed the space between their bodies by giving Cloud a kind, enveloping hug. He smelt surprisingly fresh and calming. She almost laughed aloud as she noticed how taken aback he was by her gesture, how unrelaxed he suddenly became at her touch. His heart thundered. Cloud was lost for words to describe how warm and happy he felt at having her so near, how strange and foreign it felt and then how good it felt to relax and lean into her expressive embrace and hold her in response. The exchanged experience was like having a great, thick veil lifted from him and finally being able to see how important Aeris was, how different to everyone he'd ever known. Both took comfort in that through what was happening, they were facing it together.
"You okay?" she asked quietly, still holding him.
"Yeah. I'm getting used to not winning with you." He replied, also unwilling to break the embrace.
She giggled to herself. "Yeah. Sorry about that."
"This. . ." he asked "this is real right? Not just a dream?"
"It's real, Cloud. I'm here. Even though I don't have a clue if we're in your mind or mine." She said, smiling.
"You know," he said meditatively "when I wake up, I'm going to keep on looking until I find you. And I think I can, I believe I can find you here. And I think. . .I think you want me to."
She nuzzled slightly into his chest. "You're right. I do. I mean, I just want you to be there."
"When you save the world?"
"I just want to see the look on your face."
"Why me? I mean, why are you here now? Why, when you're in the middle of doing this mission for the Planet, did you want to see me?"
"Because I want to meet you."
It seemed to answer everything. It seemed to betray her regard for him, how close she felt to him and how much closer she wanted to be. He almost smiled, knowing how very like Aeris it was to let it be known her own quirky little way. But that strange warmth, that lightness he felt for his Cetra friend, his Aeris, left little room for other thoughts. Instinctively, Cloud held her closer, tighter, letting everything else just wash away, until in his mind it was just the two of them; him and Aeris. He was happy. Suddenly, it seemed like the degrees of closeness they shared had deepened and that the sense of possibility between them had strengthened and the road ahead, the future, seemed clear even to Cloud, who had once been so clueless about such matters.
"Are you scared?" He asked tentatively.
"Nervous. Excited. But I'm not scared. It's a little night-before-Christmas- ish to me."
"I'm here. Remember that, okay?" he said, not correcting himself this time.
She nodded and spoke, her voice free and wistful. "I've been trying for a while now, but I think I'm close now. I can feel it. I'm not afraid because I know that it's going to be okay, so I don't need to be scared. I'm going to be okay, I'm going to see you again, I'm going to hug all my friends, I'm going to have a ride in Cid's big airship, I'm going to see the world and have my own little adventure. I suppose I'm mostly nervous and excited about the future. I'm looking forward to it."
"If you're doing this for us, then we all owe you, Aeris. Thanks for giving us this chance, whatever it is." He said.
Cloud suddenly began feeling free from any lingering bitterness from not being able to take full revenge on Sephiroth. The hatred still raged within him but somehow, he felt he possessed a greater understanding that Aeris' answer could give greater absolution than resorting to the sword. Still, he burned to know how she planned to stop him. But he could wait. They had all the time in the world now.
"Well, I'm going to come back when it's all over and we're all going to have a huge party, so if you want to thank me, it'll be your gil going towards it and not mine. How about that?"
"I can live with that. What next? What happens after your celebration- party?" He asked, suddenly keen to know her plans for the future, wanting to hear her speak to him of a thousand tomorrows.
She grinned. "I was thinking we could all hold a big we-saved-the-world bash at the Gold Saucer and we could all stay much longer and take our time and have more fun. Maybe then we could go on another date."
He suddenly felt his breath catch in his throat, hot and heavy. He had no idea how to respond. She giggled at his shy, boyish response, not at all similar to Zack's flirtatious bravado. There was a silence, though not an entirely uncomfortable one, the only sounds in the ancient chamber, the music of the two's hushed breathing. The silence revealed something of the pair's unspoken understanding.
Cloud's words broke that silence.
"I. . .I'd like that, Aeris."
He wasn't quite sure what he was feeling or what it meant. He was still so confused. But, in this instance he knew what the truth was and he knew how he felt. So he had shared that truth with Aeris. In all honesty, he knew he would like another date with her. Very much so.
Still, Aeris was both surprised and touched. She pulled away, removing her head from his shoulders so that she could face him, their arms still about one another. She smiled. Beautifully. Another impulse took her over. Se leaned towards him and gave him a light but lingering kiss, brushing her lips against his. Suddenly, he became nervous again and as taut as a bowstring in her embrace. Her lips were warm and gentle on his own dry but surprisingly soft lips. Her touch was sweet and feather-light. Just lips touching lips. Yet somehow she managed to force up all her tender feelings for him and show them to him, to have him feel how she felt, in that one gesture.
She smiled inwardly, feeling rather proud of herself. One step at a time, she reminded herself with humour. She knew he was confused and probably not entirely ready but she had to let him know. She felt how nervous and shy he felt, how he wanted to ask her what that kiss was for, knowing him, probably phrased in a less-than-tactful way. She found it a rather endearing quality, personally.
Cloud, caught totally off-guard was actually a little afraid. Suddenly, all his false confidence melted away and he was very uneasy about what to do or what to think. He was too nervous to even feel ashamed of himself, too lost to even sense how right or how good it felt. Despite the kiss, things still felt strong but forever undefined between them.
"Just wanted to know what it's like. . ." she mumbled in explanation, sounding more poignant than she could have ever intended, her mouth still lightly pressed against his thin lower lip.
She gave him a quick hug once more, then stepped away, breaking their embrace, not giving him a chance to respond or refuse. Still, her eyes were fixed warmly on him, her smile, still bright and mischievous with a daring, secretive shine to it. She drew back, closer to the approaching darkness. Inside, Cloud knew the dream was ending and that reality was just about to begin. But for a short time, they had been together.
"It's ending." He said regretfully. He made no remark on the kiss.
"Is it?" she replied, questioningly and quietly. "Is it tomorrow already?"
Cloud nodded impassively.
"Well, I better get going, then." She said, giving him a tender little wave.
"Aeris?" he said, suddenly desperate and fearful again.
"Mm-hmm?"
"Good luck." He said, with deep warmth.
"Don't worry about it. Tomorrow, we'll look back at all this at laugh." She said with a brave smile.
"Till tomorrow, then?"
"Yeah, Cloud." She replied, unaware that her next, earnestly casual words to him were about to be the last thing she would ever say to him. "I'll meet you tomorrow."
That was it. There was no farewell, as she had no intention of going anywhere. She left only a hint of forward-looking to the future before she faded put of his weary dreamscape and into darkness. And then she was gone.
*
Cloud was left feeling almost serene from the experience, of something that seemed almost too good to be true. The feeling of perseverance, defiance and togetherness. It coursed through him and gave him an added strength and renewed hope. Suddenly, as his dream ebbed away into his consciousness, he felt like far less of a victim. He would fight whatever Sephiroth threw at him. Not that it mattered now. Everything was going to be alright.
He would find Aeris that day - he could almost sense her calling to him - and everything would be fine. The world would be saved and they could run together, wherever they wanted to go. Somehow, that irrational want seemed right. When he completely drifted back on idle wings to the waking world, twilight and a good memory welcomed him.
It wasn't so cold now.
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THE END
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Author's Note: This is a light Cloud/Aeris romance, set in the City of the Ancients the night before Aeris' tragic death. If it helps whilst reading this, I should mention that I have yet to jump on the Aeris-knew-what-was- coming bandwagon. Also, unsurprisingly, I do not own these characters and intend no copyright infringement - I'm only borrowing Square's characters for fanfic purposes. As a side-note, I should say that I've stolen the title from an (excellent) song by Kate Bush, of the same title. Just needs to be said so that I'm not sued by anyone at all. Enjoy reading, and remember how much every author craves feedback!
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RUNNING UP THAT HILL
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'Look, I'm smiling at you, I'm smiling in you, I'm smiling through you. How can I be dead if I breathe in every quiver of your hand?' - Abram Tertz.
*
It was cold. The sleek chill of the heavy night draped the body and mind of Cloud Strife and he felt smothered by it. The night was thick with a heady, elegant scent, the darkness gentle and beautiful as soft hues of purple, black and brilliant blue played with the shadows and moonlight on the ancient walls of the chamber. It should have been a sight to take his breath away. But it was lost on him. All he felt was the penetrating chill of a draft that seemed to come out of nowhere. It slid through his skin and wrapped itself around his bones, making his toughened body feel frail and brittle.
It was more than that; it was the presence of that lonely midnight chill that haunted his mind, which crushed him into a restless state of insomnia. It was that eerie cold, that unsettling icy glare of the elements that sent shadows running through his soul. It was that sense that something wasn't right.
Of course, nothing had been right for a very long time. For a long time now, he had been hopelessly traipsing through the jungle of his mind without luck, hope or absolution; falling prey to treacherous pitfalls, losing every path and forever getting tangled in stiff vines. There were so many questions unanswered, so many forbidden secrets lurking there in the inky depths of his subconscious with a green and stinking intelligence of their own. And there was Sephiroth. Always, it came back to him. Cloud could feel his former friend's dark presence bubbling with cold contempt within his thoughts, tormenting him. He had some control over him, some terrifying connection to his mind and he felt like it was splintering his psyche apart, driving him insane. Since he gave up the Black Materia, since he hurt Aeris, he was afraid of himself, of what he was now capable of. Worst of all, he could feel Sephiroth skulking within his mind, feel his tangible presence and he longed more than anything to lash out and defeat his hold over him, but he could not. This was something he couldn't fight. And slowly, it was alienating and ruining him. He felt lost, alone and utterly wretched.
No, things were certainly not right and would not be right again for a long time. Of that, he was sure. But the slicing chill that swept through his mind was something more than that, it was an uneasy feeling, as though something terrible was happening and he was unable to stop it. He felt a foreboding. It made him feel sick.
Where was Aeris? All his thoughts, feelings and worries returned to her as surely as they did to Sephiroth. His worries for her and her fleeting safety were dominating him and had gradually become his sole consuming thought since she had left the group. It left him in a state of quiet, hurt confusion. Between the moment he had met her and the present day, her place in his thoughts had grown inexplicably stronger and since she had vanished with just a nod, she became the sole, sharp focus of his mind. He knew he had to find her. Soon. Still, he was afraid for her.
Where was she? Was she close? Would he find her soon? Why did she leave? What was she thinking? What was she planning? What if Sephiroth found her first?
Terrible worries gripped him fiercely, rising in brutal waves, one after the other. Suddenly, he felt possessed by a furious feeling of nausea as that feeling of foreshadowing rose again, rearing its ugly black head, polluting his hopes with dreadful doubts. Why did it suddenly feel like everything was going so wrong? Maybe because she wasn't there anymore, because she wasn't by his side that everything felt out of kilter. He had no idea where that thought came from but somehow it felt right. That without her reassuring presence at the very heart of the group, he couldn't help but feel morose and grim. Without her refreshing, warm spirit, nothing seemed as bright and simple anymore and that feeling set him on edge. He made no attempt to analyse those thoughts any deeper, simply shrugging it off as a flimsy argument against his persistent worries. It was the effect Aeris had on everyone, he thought. It was something about the way she was that affected him so deeply but everyone else probably felt the same in their own way, he reasoned. Aeris was special like that.
Still, he knew he wouldn't feel right until he found her. He recognised that he wouldn't feel safe in himself until he knew that she was with the group again, with her friends, where he knew she was alright, where he could see her and speak to her and where she could smile at him.
It was little wonder he couldn't sleep, that he found everything around him so stifling when she was the only thing on his mind, when she suddenly became all that mattered. No matter how hard he tried to rationalise things to himself, no matter how hard he attempted to cling to her own optimistic words, he felt defeated by a cold, seeping fear. He couldn't shake the thought that something bad was going to happen.
He had assumed from the beginning of the team's search that - like Aeris herself would have phrased it - everything was going to be alright. He assumed that they would persevere and find her eventually and figure out what was going on. But for the first time, he began to feel in his gut that something was very wrong. That something beyond his control was happening and he was powerless against it.
He had always dove in headfirst into situations and now the feeling that all he could do was wait and see was maddening. That was why he was so restless. He sensed deep inside him that something was wrong and he couldn't do a thing about it. He felt that a close friend was in danger and there was nothing he could do but wait and pick up the pieces. The thought that Aeris was probably in mortal danger and that he could do nothing to help her or protect her was despairing. He felt he needed to be doing something to feel as though he wasn't completely helpless, that he was at least trying to protect her in some way.
If anything happened to her -
He didn't complete that thought. Just as he hadn't completed a few tender words of comfort to her in Cosmo Canyon. His mind flew back. But I'm. . .we're here for you.
He pushed that pessimistic thought far from him. Nothing would happen to Aeris because he was there. He would not prepare for the worst. That solitary thought remained incomplete and glittering morbidly in the depths of his mind. He replaced it with the thought: Nothing would happen to her. She had strong friends and she meant the world to them, they would find her and, together, they would find a way and keep her safe.
He would find her. Nothing bad was going to happen. He was just worried about her, that was all. She left so quickly, without a word. He had been shocked and disturbed by it. And of course, he was full to the brim with guilt and shame for having hurt her. And Aeris was his friend. They had been through a lot together. Just like all of his friends. They shared good memories and bad memories. She meant a lot to him and he was worried about her safety.
He would feel exactly the same if it had been anyone else missing instead of Aeris, he reasoned. But somewhere, in the back of his mind, some remote part of him, a brief flicker of a thought, tangled and lost, contradicted that cold rationality. With Aeris it was different. Somehow, it just was, even though the reason behind this escaped him. When Aeris was in danger, it was as if it was him that was in danger, as if a vital part of himself was under threat and an instinct of self-preservation, of his own selfishness, of his own need, that made him try to save it. Because without it, the rest of him was at risk and he could very well be deeply wounded and incomplete without it. Or he could die.
Weary, he pushed those thoughts away. They made no sense to him and he only wanted rest, a release from those worries that wracked his mind. He hoped to find that release by finding Aeris, by protecting her, but for now, all he could do was sleep. They had reached the City of the Ancients and were lodging in a house made of exquisite marble and fragile shell. He was tired and confused. He just wanted to know if she was alright but somehow, he didn't quite trust himself. Somehow, he felt that he was fighting a hopeless battle, running up an impossible slope or from something he knew would eventually win.
It was still cold.
Exhausted by the day's travels, trials and battles and by an uneasy confrontation with what was continually leaking from his mind, he settled down beneath worn sheets, longing for a shred of peace. Gradually, his body found some ease in a reluctant slumber.
*
He had been wading through the icy seas of his sleep, floating through fragments of memories and half-remembered voices. Sleep was never a pleasure for him recently. There was so much confusion as his subconscious roared in a battle against him, flooding him with a jumbled tirade of images, trying to force him to see some form of truth. It only made him even more lost.
Suddenly, a presence broke through all that confusion, like an arrow of light effortlessly piercing through the darkness. Even in sleep, he knew. It was her. She was here.
He hadn't expected the eagerness that suddenly swept over him, the eagerness to see her, to reach out to her, to make sure she was real, that she was alright. The intensity of that one instinctive emotion startled him - it was a feeling so alien to him to suddenly be so boundlessly happy just knowing she was there. He suddenly felt strong, like if he had to defy anything just to make sure she was actually there, then he now had the will and ability to do so. In one fluidic but graceless motion, he had swept his covers off him and was on his feet, gazing into the darkness. She was here, he could feel it!
"Aeris?" he called out into the shrouding quiet of the chamber.
Somehow, the chamber was different. It was thrown completely into darkness, but this time the dark wasn't cold or oppressive; instead, it was blanketing and familiar as the shadows played in the corners of the small room. There was a light somewhere but it was not the pale light of the moon. Instead, it was the thrown, borrowed light of a campfire, spilling an intimate warmth into the chamber as the dancing shades of red, orange and yellow flowed into each other and flirted with the thick shadows. It was so warm and filling and brilliant at the same time.
From the possessive grip of the dark, she emerged, bringing with her the heavy scent of flowers. It was her eyes he noticed first - those brilliant green depths, like the effect of golden sunlight striking green grassy knolls, making the greenness darker and the darkness greener. It was only after giving a pleased sound at seeing those eyes - it had to be her, no- one could conjure an imitation of those eyes! - that he saw her rich, thick nut-brown locks and her small form, ever garbed in pink, so fragile in appearance but with a core of solid steel, her soul. He had no need to notice her smile, that lit up her face, because every fibre of air surrounding her seemed to be smiling with her. Even the firelight seemed to be smiling in unison with her lips. Perhaps it was something about her desire to make friends with the whole world that made everything around her seem warmer and brighter.
"Aeris." He breathed out her name, his voice suddenly thick with relief. He gave a small smile, still slightly unsure and awkward. He had no idea how his cold, shielded eyes lit up when he saw her.
"Hey." She said, knowing no other way to greet him but casually. Her voice was a strong and untethered but lonely thing, but as she spoke, it overflowed with tangible warmth, as if she was pouring all the love in her spirit into that one word.
Lights danced mischievously in her bright eyes and she raised an eyebrow at him, her smile wry and playful. "You look good." She said.
It was then that he noticed how he looked. He was wearing no shirt. It was a strange embarrassment he felt - he didn't turn red or quickly fling a shirt over him, but stood, suddenly as awkward as a schoolboy. It was then that he noticed the reason for humour. He was different. He didn't look as strong, he didn't look lean and muscled as he was in life - he looked thin, gangly, weak and boyish, as though he'd never joined SOLDIER and been toughened up by its gruelling training. He was pale and lank and his left shoulder harboured a few stray pimples. The only element of him that was the same was the hardness of his features, like carved ice, his deep-set and flint-sharp eyes and his pale blond hair, spiked into the shapes of merciless icicles.
It was then that he felt the deepest, most exposed shame that he remembered. It was a personal and intimate agony. It was as if he had become a part of him that was weak and destroyed, long hidden away. It was the part of him that was weak and vulnerable, the side he dared not let through, even to his friends, the side that only saw daylight when he let his mask slip. Now here it was, the accumulation of all his most despised flaws, exposed in a grotesque way, as his own body. And Aeris was there to see.
He suddenly felt a deep, irrational anger at both her and himself as he stood there, ashamed and disgusted with how he appeared, so like the boy that couldn't stop Sephiroth from destroying everything and everyone he loved. Another part of him felt free and relieved to finally be exposed, as if knowing what he was lifted a terrible burden from him. It was confusing, as if two sides of him were internally battling for dominance. Then he realised something that gave him a measure of comfort.
He exhaled.
"This is a dream." He said simply.
She smiled, a defeated but amused expression crossing her face. It made her look pretty. "Yeah. I'm sorry about that. It was the only way I could talk to you. I wanted to see you, for some last-minute closure, I guess. It's a big day tomorrow."
Her voice was surprisingly even as she spoke, her tones warm but still with an edge of iron-hard resolve and dedication to whatever she had planned. Her casual and jocular comments only made it look like she was trying to lighten something deeply important. Concern struck him as he looked at her, coupled with something else. Since they had met, their relationship had developed from more than flirtation and misconceptions about the other into a close and strong bond of friendship and trust that was rare to him. But always, it was laced with that element of possibility, that warm undertone of special affection and understanding that he didn't share with anyone else, not even Tifa.
Trying to keep his own voice even, he spoke. "What happens tomorrow?" Her eyes snapped to his an locked, burning with courage and determination. "Tomorrow, I'm going to save the world."
His brow furrowed, a confused heat rising into his alabaster face. "Save the world? Aeris, this sounds insane -"
With a huffed sound, she put her hands on her hips and gave him a fierce little glare. She suddenly looked sharply at him, the indignance in her fuming eyes assertively putting Cloud in his place. He almost groaned; he knew he'd put his foot in it this time. However, her expression was so comically outraged that it was loveable.
"Oh? And why is that, exactly?" she asked.
"It's just that. . ." he trailed off, suddenly feeling foolish.
"Yes?"
"It's. . .how can you do it? This is Sephiroth we're dealing with, coupled with Jenova and the Black Materia. I just don't see how it's possible."
"Cloud, do you trust me?"
Her voice seemed to command him to look her in the eye. "Yes, Aeris." He replied helplessly. "I do trust you."
"Do you trust my opinion? My judgement? Would you trust someone I trust? Someone I trust with everyone - my life, my mind, my soul! Would you trust this being?"
"You know I would, it's just -"
"I know, Cloud. I know. But the being I trust right now is the Planet. And the Planet has told me how I can do it, how I can stop Sephiroth and make everything right again." She said firmly.
"But it's so dangerous!" he said, trying to will her into not being so blind. "Sephiroth's after you, Aeris! If he catches up with you, he'll kill you without a second thought!"
"You think I don't know that? I understand. I'm used to danger, remember?" she said, with a light smile.
"Aeris, don't. Anything could happen between now and tomorrow - what if something happens? How can you believe that you'll be fine?" he asked.
Her voice was thick with hope. "Because I do. Because I know that everything's going to be okay in the end, because it has to be. I'll be fine because I can take care of myself, I know I'm not in over my head in this. I'll be okay and I'll come back to you. The Planet is watching over me, it's protecting me. I'll be fine. Everything's gonna be fine from now on, Cloud. When I come back, it'll all be over and all everything just going to be one happy memory."
She was speaking in complete earnest, her green eyes shining with piercing sincerity. She completely believed in what she was doing and just as completely believed that she would be returning. Cloud felt helpless against the strength of her hope, as if he was losing. He could almost tangibly feel her slipping away.
His speech became halting as he laboured to protect her from her own mission. "Aeris, I don't understand any of this."
"When I come back, I'll tell you everything, I promise. Cross my heart."
"Aeris -" he interrupted.
"But," she affirmed "this is something I have to do. I'm doing this for all of you. For you, Cloud and all our friends, for the world, for everyone! You don't need to fight any more, because I can do the hard part for you. None of us needs to risk anything now. You saved me once and now I can save you."
He looked around him, trying to find something to answer with, something to keep her near and out of danger. "Well. . .what do we do?"
She gave a bright smile. "You and the others don't need to do anything, expect buy some party-things to celebrate. I'm going to handle the tricky bit, you guys can relax now."
"Aeris, you can't seriously expect me - us! - to just wait and see! We're worried about you! How can I let you go ahead and get hurt or killed? I care too much!"
She raised an eyebrow at his impassioned comment but then, her gaze softened and melted into something more understanding, more sorrowful but tinged with optimism and happiness coupled with crusading purpose. She looked desperate to try and will some of her understanding into him through their eyes. It reminded him of how she looked on the night of their date together in the Gold Saucer. He had rarely seen her look so wise and warm at the same time.
"Thanks, Cloud." She said with incredible tenderness. "Thanks for caring."
A pause filled the chamber as the two gazed at one another, suddenly filled with feeling, but without the ability to articulate any of it. Cloud stumbled frantically through his thoughts and Aeris found herself concentrating not so much on the pause but on the meaning behind it. It made her smile. It made her suddenly very happy.
She looked at him deeply. "I just want to do the right thing. I can stop him and it can all end here and everyone's going to be safe and happy and the Planet will live on. I can make everything better again."
"Aeris, please. Don't risk it all."
"Cloud, I'm not risking anything. I'm going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay."
"But if it isn't -"
"It will be. I just know it."
Desperation burned in his voice and in his ice-blue eyes. "Aeris, stay. I mean, stay with us. Trust us. Tell us about what's going on, at least!" He paused, falling into realisation. When he spoke again, his voice was grim. "Is it because of me?"
"What?" she asked.
"Is it my fault? Are you doing this alone because you don't trust me? Because I betrayed us all before? Because I hurt you before?"
She shook her head, her deep brown locks swaying. "No. You didn't do it."
A black tide washed over him. "How do you know? How can you tell?"
"Hey." She said, her tone hard and strong, grabbing his attention. Her next words were firm. "I can tell. I just know. I know you. I know I can meet you."
"I'm the reason all the same, aren't I?" he said, bitterly.
"You know I trust you. I trust you with my life. I care, alright? I know that things have gone wrong, I know everything feels messed up but all the same, I trust you. It's him I don't trust. And I know he's there, that he's using you. But you're not him and I trust you, okay? You just have to remember to be strong." She smiled ruefully. "Besides, you're my bodyguard, remember?"
Her comment surprised him into a reluctant but genuine smile. It warmed her so much to see him smile. She knew he'd suffer so much, she could see the confusion and she wanted to help. She wanted to meet him. If only she could, she'd gladly have tried to bear some of his problems, to know what it was like to be him. Cloud Strife. The one who looked so much like Zack but was nothing like him. No, he was more. He was special.
She grinned. On impulse, she closed the space between their bodies by giving Cloud a kind, enveloping hug. He smelt surprisingly fresh and calming. She almost laughed aloud as she noticed how taken aback he was by her gesture, how unrelaxed he suddenly became at her touch. His heart thundered. Cloud was lost for words to describe how warm and happy he felt at having her so near, how strange and foreign it felt and then how good it felt to relax and lean into her expressive embrace and hold her in response. The exchanged experience was like having a great, thick veil lifted from him and finally being able to see how important Aeris was, how different to everyone he'd ever known. Both took comfort in that through what was happening, they were facing it together.
"You okay?" she asked quietly, still holding him.
"Yeah. I'm getting used to not winning with you." He replied, also unwilling to break the embrace.
She giggled to herself. "Yeah. Sorry about that."
"This. . ." he asked "this is real right? Not just a dream?"
"It's real, Cloud. I'm here. Even though I don't have a clue if we're in your mind or mine." She said, smiling.
"You know," he said meditatively "when I wake up, I'm going to keep on looking until I find you. And I think I can, I believe I can find you here. And I think. . .I think you want me to."
She nuzzled slightly into his chest. "You're right. I do. I mean, I just want you to be there."
"When you save the world?"
"I just want to see the look on your face."
"Why me? I mean, why are you here now? Why, when you're in the middle of doing this mission for the Planet, did you want to see me?"
"Because I want to meet you."
It seemed to answer everything. It seemed to betray her regard for him, how close she felt to him and how much closer she wanted to be. He almost smiled, knowing how very like Aeris it was to let it be known her own quirky little way. But that strange warmth, that lightness he felt for his Cetra friend, his Aeris, left little room for other thoughts. Instinctively, Cloud held her closer, tighter, letting everything else just wash away, until in his mind it was just the two of them; him and Aeris. He was happy. Suddenly, it seemed like the degrees of closeness they shared had deepened and that the sense of possibility between them had strengthened and the road ahead, the future, seemed clear even to Cloud, who had once been so clueless about such matters.
"Are you scared?" He asked tentatively.
"Nervous. Excited. But I'm not scared. It's a little night-before-Christmas- ish to me."
"I'm here. Remember that, okay?" he said, not correcting himself this time.
She nodded and spoke, her voice free and wistful. "I've been trying for a while now, but I think I'm close now. I can feel it. I'm not afraid because I know that it's going to be okay, so I don't need to be scared. I'm going to be okay, I'm going to see you again, I'm going to hug all my friends, I'm going to have a ride in Cid's big airship, I'm going to see the world and have my own little adventure. I suppose I'm mostly nervous and excited about the future. I'm looking forward to it."
"If you're doing this for us, then we all owe you, Aeris. Thanks for giving us this chance, whatever it is." He said.
Cloud suddenly began feeling free from any lingering bitterness from not being able to take full revenge on Sephiroth. The hatred still raged within him but somehow, he felt he possessed a greater understanding that Aeris' answer could give greater absolution than resorting to the sword. Still, he burned to know how she planned to stop him. But he could wait. They had all the time in the world now.
"Well, I'm going to come back when it's all over and we're all going to have a huge party, so if you want to thank me, it'll be your gil going towards it and not mine. How about that?"
"I can live with that. What next? What happens after your celebration- party?" He asked, suddenly keen to know her plans for the future, wanting to hear her speak to him of a thousand tomorrows.
She grinned. "I was thinking we could all hold a big we-saved-the-world bash at the Gold Saucer and we could all stay much longer and take our time and have more fun. Maybe then we could go on another date."
He suddenly felt his breath catch in his throat, hot and heavy. He had no idea how to respond. She giggled at his shy, boyish response, not at all similar to Zack's flirtatious bravado. There was a silence, though not an entirely uncomfortable one, the only sounds in the ancient chamber, the music of the two's hushed breathing. The silence revealed something of the pair's unspoken understanding.
Cloud's words broke that silence.
"I. . .I'd like that, Aeris."
He wasn't quite sure what he was feeling or what it meant. He was still so confused. But, in this instance he knew what the truth was and he knew how he felt. So he had shared that truth with Aeris. In all honesty, he knew he would like another date with her. Very much so.
Still, Aeris was both surprised and touched. She pulled away, removing her head from his shoulders so that she could face him, their arms still about one another. She smiled. Beautifully. Another impulse took her over. Se leaned towards him and gave him a light but lingering kiss, brushing her lips against his. Suddenly, he became nervous again and as taut as a bowstring in her embrace. Her lips were warm and gentle on his own dry but surprisingly soft lips. Her touch was sweet and feather-light. Just lips touching lips. Yet somehow she managed to force up all her tender feelings for him and show them to him, to have him feel how she felt, in that one gesture.
She smiled inwardly, feeling rather proud of herself. One step at a time, she reminded herself with humour. She knew he was confused and probably not entirely ready but she had to let him know. She felt how nervous and shy he felt, how he wanted to ask her what that kiss was for, knowing him, probably phrased in a less-than-tactful way. She found it a rather endearing quality, personally.
Cloud, caught totally off-guard was actually a little afraid. Suddenly, all his false confidence melted away and he was very uneasy about what to do or what to think. He was too nervous to even feel ashamed of himself, too lost to even sense how right or how good it felt. Despite the kiss, things still felt strong but forever undefined between them.
"Just wanted to know what it's like. . ." she mumbled in explanation, sounding more poignant than she could have ever intended, her mouth still lightly pressed against his thin lower lip.
She gave him a quick hug once more, then stepped away, breaking their embrace, not giving him a chance to respond or refuse. Still, her eyes were fixed warmly on him, her smile, still bright and mischievous with a daring, secretive shine to it. She drew back, closer to the approaching darkness. Inside, Cloud knew the dream was ending and that reality was just about to begin. But for a short time, they had been together.
"It's ending." He said regretfully. He made no remark on the kiss.
"Is it?" she replied, questioningly and quietly. "Is it tomorrow already?"
Cloud nodded impassively.
"Well, I better get going, then." She said, giving him a tender little wave.
"Aeris?" he said, suddenly desperate and fearful again.
"Mm-hmm?"
"Good luck." He said, with deep warmth.
"Don't worry about it. Tomorrow, we'll look back at all this at laugh." She said with a brave smile.
"Till tomorrow, then?"
"Yeah, Cloud." She replied, unaware that her next, earnestly casual words to him were about to be the last thing she would ever say to him. "I'll meet you tomorrow."
That was it. There was no farewell, as she had no intention of going anywhere. She left only a hint of forward-looking to the future before she faded put of his weary dreamscape and into darkness. And then she was gone.
*
Cloud was left feeling almost serene from the experience, of something that seemed almost too good to be true. The feeling of perseverance, defiance and togetherness. It coursed through him and gave him an added strength and renewed hope. Suddenly, as his dream ebbed away into his consciousness, he felt like far less of a victim. He would fight whatever Sephiroth threw at him. Not that it mattered now. Everything was going to be alright.
He would find Aeris that day - he could almost sense her calling to him - and everything would be fine. The world would be saved and they could run together, wherever they wanted to go. Somehow, that irrational want seemed right. When he completely drifted back on idle wings to the waking world, twilight and a good memory welcomed him.
It wasn't so cold now.
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THE END
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