I am not sure CBS will ever move them from friends with benefits to a loving couple, but I sure wish they would. Just a little one shot that I couldn´t ignore.

Disclaimer: CBS owns them, totally and completely. But I decided to forget about that and make them do what I want them to do.

I hope you enjoy.

I missed him.

There was not a moment, not a night and not an awakening when I didn´t think of him. He was still present and it began to piss me off. It were the little things that reminded me of him, the small, unnoticeable things that would make me remember him. A song. The smell of coffee and sometimes burning tires. Someone mentioning going to Hawaii for a vacation. Or just plain the emptiness in my heart. Most of the times I didn´t need anything to remember him.

There were countless visuals burned into my head. His smile. The way his eyes would darken before he kissed me. The feeling of his arms holding me tightly. His laughter. The way he would swap me off my feet just to kiss me senseless. The way he talked about his team, his ohana. Those were precious memories, some of them sad and scaring, others happy and fond.

He wasn´t here and I was so far away from him, that missing him was the only bond between us. Being gone for so long would always make things harder at first. It would make me miss him and those longing feelings would drive me crazy. It would take all my strength to get my shit together and make it through the day. Focussing on my job cost me more energy than any workout in the gym would, no matter how excessive.

And then, after a while, it would get easier. It wouldn´t happen over night, it was a slow process. I would think of him less. I would not miss him not calling me. I wouldnt´stare at my phone every minute and I wouldn´t worry about him for not calling.

Shortly before a mission was over things were perfect. I nearly never thought about him anymore and I was able to laugh and have fun and most importantly, focus on my job, without any interruption or disturbance. I was fine. I was happy. I forced myself to be that way.

But the day we´d arrive back at Pearl, the day I knew I was going to see him again, this evil cycle started all over again.

This time it was different though. I was back at Pearl. I wasn´t on a mission, I had nothing to keep myself busy with. I was in my small apartment on base and he knew I was here. But he wasn´t with me. We had broken up. Broken up something that no one really was able to put into words. Was it a relationship? It was, but one of the unhealthy and unstable ones. Was it friends with benefits? Most definitely yes, but still it didn´t even come close to it. Was it love? Was it? I don´t know. But if it wasn´t, why did I miss him so badly now?

I had cried when we broke up. When I got back to my apartment I had cried, the whole night through. And I usually don´t cry. I´m in the Navy. I´m a Lieutenant of the US Navy. But that night I did and when I got up the next morning without any sleep at all, I looked like hell. And my heart was broken, raw, bruised.

It took me some weeks to see the truth behind our break up. To understand what had caused a beautiful evening where we actually really had dinner in a nice restaurant to turn into a disaster. And now that I knew it didn´t make anything easier and it didn´t solve any problems. The pain was still there as well as the longing and the hurt and the anger.

Glancing at my phone quickly I cursed. Damn. I did it again!

Forcefully pushing my back against my sofa I grabbed my glass of wine and took a long sip. I didn´t taste anything but I could care less. At least it had the desired effect when I felt warmth spread from my stomach to every part of my body. I wished it would just stop my thoughts playing ping-pong in my head though. But I didn´t have enough wine at home to get there. So I settled for another long sip of my wine.

I knew that I had every right to be proud of myself. Because no one, and I mean NO ONE knew how I felt. I was calm and content and I was focussed all the time when someone else was with me. I allowed no one to look behind my mask, no one saw the pain and the despair inside. That was private. I only allowed it to surface in the privacy of my cabin or here, in my apartment. But it was always there.

Not even he knew how I felt. He probably had avoided thinking of me the moment his door closed behind me. Dealing with emotions was too much, it would distract him and he wouldn´t allow that. He might distance himself even from his team, demanding space for himself to deal with it. And he´d use his SEAL training to lock his emotions deep inside.

I nearly smashed the now empty glass on the table. My anger was rising every minute and I felt restless, like there was something really important that I had to do. And I couldn´t remember what it was.

It´s been 4 weeks since we broke up and 3 days since I got home. And right now I felt like I was going crazy and my apartment seemed smaller than it actually was. I was ready to throw something against the wall, only to listen to the satisfying sound of breaking it.

I got up and took my glass to the sink in the small kitchen. Enough wine for tonight. Enough brooding, enough suffering. I had enough. I was not going to take it anymore. It was over, things like that happened and we probably never were meant to be. It was meant to end the moment it started and I would not sit here anymore wishing things were different. This was my life and I was about to claim my life back.

There was a knock on the door and I froze. A quick glance to my cell told me that it was nearly 11pm, too late for any friends to show up. I was on base so my next guess was that our leave was over. I quickly walked to the door and opened it.

"Hey... can I come in?"

How dare you? Why do you have to show up right when I am about to forget you and move on? Why do you seem to have a problem with letting to but are unwilling to fight when there still is hope? But I didn´t say anything just moved to the side and let him in.

He looked tired, exhausted. There were lines around his mouth that weren´t there before. He stood in the middle of my living room, hands in the pockets, his shoulders tense, his whole body bow-taut. For a second I just watched him until he turned around and looked at me.

"What do you want, Steve?" I asked and sat down on my sofa again, pulling the large shirt over my knees. It was one of his, one that he had forgotten here years ago. I used to wear it when I was at sea, needing this shirt to feel closer to him.

"I want to talk." he said and I raised my eyebrow surprised.

"About what?"

"Us."

"There is no us anymore, Steve. Never was."

He sighed frustrated and combed his fingers through his short hair.

"You left my house and Hawaii without ever giving me a chance to say something."

"Is that why you are here now? Because you feel the need to say something to defend yourself? Trust me, I don´t want to hear it." I leaned back against my sofa, thankful for the comfort and the hold this silly piece of furniture offered. Because it was either that or throwing myself into his arms. And I wasn´t THAT stupid.

"Will you just listen? Please?" his eyes met mine and for a second I felt warmth spread through me, much more efficient than the wine. I don´t know if it was the look in his eyes or if it was something in his voice or if I was just plain stupid to give in to the need to hear him say it, but I nodded.

Steve slumped down on the sofa and rested his elbows on his knees, flexing his fingers before balling his hands to fists. His eyes never left mine and I felt unable to break the eye contact too. His eyes were soft and I felt myself giving in to that, responding to it by letting my anger go. All that was left was hurt and it made me feel strange to see the same hurt in his eyes. I never thought I´d see that.

"I am sorry." he finally said, his voice barely a whisper, after a moment of silence. I drew in a shuddering breath. Was it really that easy? Did it just take a "I´m sorry" to make me open up to him and allow him to explain? Where was my anger? Where was the urge to hit him? Gone just because of some whispered words that could easily be a lie?

But I knew it wasn´t a lie. And I knew that it was this easy. Because that was what he needed to say to acknowledge the fact that he had royally screwed up this time. And it was what I needed to hear, to understand that he was feeling this pain as well and whatever happened was not easy for him. Sure it would have been easier to see him as an asshole, to blame him for everything and to just feed my anger and let it grow into an everything consuming hate. But I couldn´t do it.

"Me too." I said and Steve dropped his head and stared at his fists. I saw a muscle in his jar twitch, saw the way he was pressing his lips together and the way the muscles in his arms moved when he tightened his fists. I knew those little signs that showed me how unbearable the inner turmoil must be. He didn´t know how to voice it, didn´t know how to deal with it, but that didn´t mean he didn´t feel it.

"I never wanted you to leave. I never wanted this evening to end that way. I never wanted to end it. Us."

Another shuddering breath. Without a word I got up and I felt his eyes on me. First it was surprise that his face showed and then it was resignation when he thought I was about to ask him to leave. But instead I walked over to the kitchen, got another bottle of wine and two glasses. Coming back I handed him the wine and he opened it and poured both of us a glass. I settled down on the sofa again and waited. Waited for him to continue. I´ve made a move by offering him a glass of wine and showing that I was willing to listen to him. Now it was his turn to use that chance. If he didn´t, well then that would be it. I´d ask him to leave and I wouldn´t ever think of him again. I would wipe out every memory and move on with my life. But if he did... well, I had no idea, but I was willing to find out.

He took a sip of the wine and then stood up and walk over to the small window, staring out into the night, the glass still in his hand. I couldn´t help but smile a little, knowing exactly what he was doing. This was his way to... to bring himself to open up. It was easier to say things when he wasn´t looking at me or when he wasn´t that close to me.

"It should have been easier..." he began. "When you left... it should have been easier to forget and to move one. Sure, it would leave a bitter taste, but it should have been easy to just shrug it off." his voice sounded surprised as if he didn´t understand why he felt that way.

"I don´t even know what it was that we ended, what we were." he looked at me over his shoulder briefly before turning back and taking another sip of his wine.

"To be honest, I don´t know anything. Not anymore." he sighed and rubbed his neck, massaged the sore muscles.

"Because it wasn´t easy." I swallowed hard and fought the urge to move over and hug my arms around him.

"The past 4 weeks have been hell and I think Danny is ready to shoot me because he thinks I´m about to get myself killed." I heard him chuckle humorlessly.

"Are you?" I asked and he looked at me.

"No. I´m just... I´m just doing my job. I know what I´m doing."

"But Danny doesn´t."

"Yeah... not much I can do about that though, he should trust me that I know what I´m capable of."

We grew silent for a second until he continued.

"Maybe we... I ... wasn´t ready for the next step. I was comfortable with the way things were between us. I didn´t want it to change. This fight was stupid and I don´t even know how it started, but I was mad as hell at you."

"You wanted more, Cath. And I was mad that you were ruining what we had, trying to make it more and meaningful and committed. I was mad that you took away something that I felt safe with. Because I could still lie to myself and tell myself it´s not real."

My heart twitched and I remembered that night.

"Why do you have to go there now, Cath? After 6 years? Really?" his voice was hard and he sounded surprised and hurt that I actually brought it up.

"Maybe I´ve been there all along." I yelled, not able to hide how much his words stung.

"Then why didn´t you say anything earlier?"

"You mean before so you wouldn´t let this go on?"

"Damn, yes, it would have been nice to have a choice!"

"I´m sorry, I didn´t know that it was that bad to see me every now and then!"

"Damn Cath, that´s not what I meant! But it would have been only fair to know that you actually want more!"

"I knew you´d never want more." He glared at me. "Having this conversation now, after 6 years, only shows that I have no idea what you want. Do you know what you want?"

"It´s been perfect the way it was." His voice was calm now, deadly calm, and I felt fear rising inside me.

"You never considered us being more, do you?" I asked but Steve never answered my question. He turned away from me and leaned against his porch, crossing the arms in front of his chest, staring. He shut me out.

"I guess that answers my question." I said, fighting my tears. He wouldn´t turn around and ask me to stay. He wouldn´t say that he wanted more too. He wouldn´t allow me in. So I did what I had to do and grabbed my purse and left.

"You never gave me a chance to answer your question." he said and pulled me out of my thoughts. I was thankful that he stood with his back to me, so I could brush off the tear on my cheek.

I watched him gulp down the rest of his wine and then place the glass on the table before sitting back down. He looked at me without saying a word and I began to feel uncomfortable when his eyes wouldn´t leave my face. His gaze was intent and I wondered what he thought he´d find. In a smooth movement he leaned over and I felt his hand cup my face and his thumb brush off another tear.

His movement was gentle and I shivered when I felt his warmth against my face.

"You had to leave so I was able to realize that everything had been a lie." he whispered and I closed my eyes against the pain. A lie? We weren´t a lie. We might not have been perfect but nothing between us had been a lie, not from my side.

"I was lying to myself. And I lied to you." he whispered, his thumb still brushing over my cheek. I bit my lip, fighting the conflicting feelings inside. My body reacted to his touch while my heart broke all over again listening to his words.

"It was easier to not feel something for you. To not want you... that much. Cath, look at me." I didn´t want to, but I knew that I had to. No matter what was about to happen next, I wouldn´t hide or run from it. Our eyes met and I was surprised to see the gentle smile on his face.

"I am sorry for this mess, Cath."

A strangled sob escaped me. It was just then that I realized how badly I needed to hear those words. Because it meant that we were meaningful. That it was not nothing. That I meant something, that he cared.

"I was wrong." I must have looked surprised, shocked and overwhelmed, because his smile grew. His hand around my face was trembling and his eyes showed his inner turmoil, but that was the only evidence that he felt insecure and on unfamiliar ground. Still he didn´t back off, he didn´t move.

"That would be the moment for you to say something." he teased. "If you ever tell Danny that I admitted I´m wrong, I´m gonna deny it." I couldn´t help but laugh a little.

"I promise to keep your secret safe, Commander."

"Thank you, Lieutenant."

When Steve inched closer I leaned over and felt his arms wrap around me. He pulled me close to him, his hand holding my neck while he buried his face in my hair.

"Will you let me make it up to you?" he asked while I leaned closer to his hard body and let his warmth engulf me.

"Depends on what you offer, Commander."

"Dinner?" he chuckled and I looked up at him, ready to protest, when he placed a finger on my lips, silencing me effectively. "I´m gonna cook this time. My place. Just you and I." And my protest died.

Steve framed my face in his hands and our eyes locked. The smile on his face slowly faded and his eyes were soft and gentle, never leaving my face.

"Ready for the next step, Cath?" he whispered against my lips and I could only nod.

"Good." And then our lips met in a sweet, tender kiss that made my heart flutter and my body tremble. He was gentle and caring, softly kissing the curve of my upper lips before silently asking for more with a teasing nip of his tongue. And when I opened my mouth, allowing his tongue to touch mine, I heard his moan. And I answered his kiss.