I remember feeling a strange rush of heat. That, and that alone was all I was aware of. I can't say it was entirely uncomfortable. It was like coming out of cold rain and sitting by a fire. The heat wasn't around me though. It was inside me. Growing more and more. Then I remembered that I had been dying. I was under water. I remembered telling Stefan to get Matt. He tried to protest but I insisted. I remembered seeing them disappear and just as I was going to reach for my seat belt my lungs burning, begging for air finally forced a large inhale and I took in a rush of water. I died. I remember...dying.
I sat up taking in a gasp of air. It was all a bad dream.
Except that it wasn't.
I sat up looking around, feeling strangely alert. There was Stefan. Watching me with red rimmed,wide, scared eyes.
"Elena." He whispered. It sounded strange when he spoke. It was too loud for a whisper.
"I died, I was dead." I said. I realized I felt completely off, everything felt completely off. I looked around and realized I was in an exam room in the hospital. The lights were off but I could see everything clearly.
"Elena, I'm so sorry." Stefan whispered. His voice wavering with on coming tears.
I shook my head, trying to grasp what was happening. It seemed only a moment ago I had excepted that I was dying. I embraced it. Ready to be on the other side. Ready to let go. I opened my mouth to ask him what was happening but I heard strong steady footsteps coming down the hall. I heard them coming closer and closer. Stefan looked at me seeming to take note that I heard the footsteps as well. The door flung open, the hallway light filtering in. It was too bright.
"Elena!" Damon said. I heard a certain vulnerability in his voice. One I had only been familiar with a few times. This time the vulnerability wasn't in the softness of his voice or the whispers in the dark. It was the whimper in the way he said my name. He came rushing around the table I was on and touched my face. I closed my eyes, feeling the softness of his hand on my skin. It felt electrified. He took his hand away.
"How did this happen Stefan?" Damon said in a low, dangerous tone.
"Let's talk about this later, Damon." Stefan said.
I watched Damon's face grow dark with anger. He gripped the side of the table I was on so hard I heard it creak under the pressure of his hands.
My head began to ache and I felt this pain growing in fingers, my toes, and my gums.
"I was dead." I told Damon. My head felt muddled and confused. It seemed that was the only message I could convey.
"You ARE dead, Elena." Damon said. He said it in such a way that it showed anger and tenderness at the same time. He was looking at Stefan when he said it but then his eyes flicked over to me. "I'm sorry." He said.
"What's happening?" I said, suddenly I felt panic setting in.
I saw Stefan and Damon share a glance.
"Answer me!" I said looking between them.
"You're in transition." Stefan said.
My body went cold. "No." I whispered.
"I'm so sorry." Damon said. Tears forming in his eyes.
"No!" I screamed. I felt Stefan put his hand on my arm but I jerked away. I wasn't angry with them. I was just scared. Confused. Growing in pain and irritation. I could hear the buzzing from the halogen lights in the hallway and they seemed to be growing louder.
"Where's Matt. Is he-?"
"He's alive. I got him out in time." Stefan said.
I nodded. "Good."
I saw Damon look at Stefan in a way that spoke without words. He was putting together the pieces. He was beginning to realize that Stefan saved Matt over me because that's what I asked. He looked at me and I could see that he decided to wait for that heated conversation.
"I want to go home." I said. I got off the table and walked through the door without any protest from Damon or Stefan. Just as I walked out of the door, Jeremy came barreling down the hallway.
"Elena!" He said, picking up his pace when he saw me. He ran toward me and I met him with open arms. I hugged him close, feeling like he was the closest thing to home. I suddenly realized that even though I wanted to save Matt, I hadn't thought about Jeremy. What would he have done if I had died? I felt the warmth of his body, felt the pulse under his flesh. My teeth began constricting and burning and a hunger I had never felt began to over take me. Before I even realized it I felt my face turn into his neck. His pulse grew louder and louder. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and I was jerked back.
"Elena. Come on. We need to get you back to the house." Damon said.
"This is your fault." Jeremy said, his voice filled with rage as he looked back and forth between Damon and Stefan. I waited for Damon to snap at Jeremy, as he usually did but the brothers were silent. Guilty silent.
"Jeremy, Please...we just need to go. I don't feel good." I said.
We wound up at the boarding house. I didn't have the will to fight against it. Besides, it was basically home there as well. Stefan led me upstairs to his room and I laid down on the bed.
"You know we need to talk." Stefan said.
"I don't feel good. Please just let me sleep." I asked.
Damon walked in without hesitation. "You don't feel good because you need to feed on human blood Elena." Damon said, a little too loudly.
"Please, just let me think." I said, shoving my head into the pillow.
"What is there to think about? Feed or you'll die." Damon snapped.
"Damon, just stop." Stefan said.
"No, NO. I'm tired of you letting her make every little decision. People don't always make the best decisions for themselves Stefan." Damon growled.
"Is it best?" I said, sitting up and holding my head. The ache got stronger. "Is it best that I become a vampire, Damon? I already wanted to drink Jeremy's blood. My own brother! The only family I have in this world. If I go ahead and die, Jeremy can move on with his life. Matt can move on with his. You two can move on."
"Oh really Elena. Just move on, huh? Just get over it. Just act like it doesn't matter. What is it you humans say? Time heals all wounds? Well it's bull shit! Jeremy won't be okay. Matt won't be okay...I...I won't be okay." Damon said, his voice breaking.
I looked up at Damon. His eyes shining with tears. I looked over at Stefan. He was looking at me. His arms folded over his chest. He was trying to hold back his emotions on purpose to make me feel more comfortable. It was funny, the difference between Stefan and Damon. Stefan was so text book. Perfect. Careful with me. Damon was wreckless, emotional, passionate. An absolute beautiful mess.
"Please, just give me some time alone." I asked.
Once they left I walked over to the window and opened it. I took in the night air. Thick with humidity. I could smell game. Trees. Grass. I could smell the water soaking into the soil. I sat down and leaned my head against the wall. I thought about my choices. I could die. Like I originally thought was happening. Maybe if I died I could see my parents again and Jenna and even Alaric. So many people I loved were gone. It would feel so good to see them. Then I thought about what Damon said. I thought about Jeremy. I put myself in his shoes and imagined for only a second that Jeremy was dead. It would be hell for me. Hell right here on earth. How could I do that to him? My other option was to feed and complete the transition. I would live on forever. Considering I didn't get staked. I would eventually lose everyone I loved. Jeremy, Bonnie, Matt. I considered who I would have. Caroline. Stefan...Damon. Damon. A love that consumes me. I thought about my conversation with Matt. That's what I told him about Damon. I thought about my conversation with Damon right before I died. That I cared about him and that's why I had to let him go. I knew it wasn't as simple as that but had to make a decision. The last thing I said to him. "Maybe if we had met first." So stupid. A love that consumes me. A hunger that consumes me. That is what I would really be dealing with if I went ahead with the transition. Then it struck me, and it struck me hard. I would have to mourn the things that would never be for me. For Elena Gilbert. I never live a normal life. Ever. That fight was over. I would never love a human man. I would never grow old with him. I would never have a family of my own. I would never...be a mother. A chance at a normal life, no matter what...was gone.
I could either die, or be a vampire.