A/N: Well, here's my second Buffy story! Again it's a Spike/Dawn friendship, and again they have to deal with the death of a beloved person, but the next one will be different, promise (-;
Spike's Point of View!
Disclaimer: I wish it was mine, unfortunately it's not )-:
I failed you
Unable to move I watched how Giles took her in his arms and carried her away.
She was dead, gone, and I hadn't been able to do anything about it.
Buffy.
If I had been able to take care of Dawn none of this had happened.
All my damn fault.
Suddenly I heared someone coming over to me. When I looked up I saw Xander standing next to me. Surely he would hate me even more now, but there was no hate in his eyes, only undescribable sadness. And then, much to my surprise, he offered me his hand.
"Come on, freak. I'll help you to your tomb. Your leg looks like you cannot walk on your own."
He was right, it hurt like hell, but I hadn't paid attention to it until now. Though I hated it I took his hand and let him help me. I didn't have the heart to look at Dawn right now, I heared Willow and Tara talking to her, but I just couldn't look up and see the reproach in her eyes.
Slowly I followed Xander who supported me to my tomb.
When we were there I heavily sat down on my coffin.
Xander still stood there, uncertain of what to do. "I guess I can leave you alone now. I mean, do you need any more help?"
I just couldn't get it! Why wasn't he yelling or cursing at me?
I wanted to ask him that, wanted to tell him that it was all my fault and that he now had another reason to hate me. But I didn't.
"No, I'll be ok. Tomorrow it'll be healed."
He nodded. "Bye then."
"Yeah, bye." Before he could get out of the door I called him back once more. "Hey, Harris!" When he looked at me I bowed my head. My pride forbade me what I said then, but I did it nontheless. "Thanks."
"You're welcome.", he whispered, his voice heavy with grief. Then he went away without saying another word.
**********
For more than three days and nights I didn't leave my tomb. It wasn't my injured leg which prevented me to get out. As I had told Xander it was all well again.
But I just couldn't face them, it impossible and yes, maybe I was a damned coward.
Anyway, after these three days I finally left the darkness of my tomb and slipped into the darkness of the night. It didn't take long until I heared Willow, Xander and Tara coming to the cemetery. They were probably out to hunt vampires, somebody had to take care of that after Buffy... after Buffy couldn't do it anymore.
I couldn't go to them but I watched them from afar and listened to them.
They were silently talking about Buffy, about what had happened, and about Dawn.
"I'm worried about her", Willow said. "If she continues to stay silent we can do nothing to help her."
Suddenly Tara changed the direction and walked towards my tomb.
"What are you up to?" I was glad that Will asked that 'cause that was what I wanted to know myself.
"I'll go to Spike. Maybe he can get through to her. You know how much she likes him."
"Yes, but he didn't show up since, well, you know."
"You're right but it's somehow understandable. You know how he felt for Buffy." With that she opened the door to my tomb. "Spike?", she asked. "Are you there?"
For a moment I thought about going to them but I didn't dare.
After there was no reaction Tara walked into my tomb.
"And what are you doing now?"
"Nothing, Will. I only want to leave a message for him."
When she had finished they went away.
As soon as I was sure that they wouldn't return I went inside and took the letter Tara had written and read it.
Dear Spike,
I hope you're alright. We are a little worried since you didn't show up for three days. We understand that you miss Buffy, we all do but nobody is blaming you, not even Xander. It was not your fault, it was nobody's fault.
You know that you're one of us now, even though I know that you would never admit it.
Please let us know that you are well.
We're also worried about Dawn. She's not coming out of her room anymore and she doesn't want to talk to anyone.
Spike, we know that you're like a big brother to her, she loves you very much. Don't doubt that.
Maybe it would help her if you came and talked to her. We don't know what to do anymore, how to help her.
Please come as soon possible for she also doesn't eat.
If we cannot help her we must get a doctor for help, but I know she wouldn't want that.
She needs you.
Yours,
Tara
I held the letter in my hand and sighed.
Should I go?
They didn't seem to blame me and what was even more important, Dawn needed me.
I had promised Buffy to take care of her and I had failed her.
Now I had another chance and this time I wouldn't let her down!
**********
I left my motor bike before the house and then I rang the doorbell.
Tara opened the door and smiled as she saw me. "Spike, thank you for coming." She stepped to aside and allowed me to enter.
"How's Dawn?", I said.
"She's still up in her room and doesn't want us around. Maybe you can try?"
"Sure." I didn't want her to see how hard all this was for me. Hey, I was the bad one after all.
Somehow I still wanted them to think that I was only with them because the chip forced me to.
But I only had to look at at the young witch to know that she knew better.
"You know the way.", Tara said simply and looked at the stairs.
I nodded and went up.
Her door was closed and so I knocked. After a moment of silence I finally heared her voice. "Go away."
Well, that's what I had expected.
"Ok, lil' bit. Maybe the others would go now, but I won't. Just forget it! I won't go 'til you talked to me."
Nothing, no reaction at all.
"Nibblet, open the door now! The chip doesn't prevent me from braking it open!"
I heared that she stood up and unlocked the door. Finally I could open it.
She had turned away already so I could only see her back. Slowly she walked towards the window and stared out.
First I didn't know what to do but then I just entered the room, closed the door behind me and sat down on the bed.
Now I realized that for the first time I saw her all in black. Usually I liked this color a lot, but I wasn't used to seeing it on Dawn. "You know what?"
"What?" Her voice was very quiet.
"Black doesn't fit you."
Finally she turned around to face me. Her face was pale and she looked very tired. Hadn't she been able to sleep?
But now I could see a tiny smile on her face. "Does it not?"
"No, not really." I returned the smile. "Dawn," this was the first time I could remember that I called her by name. "how are you?"
"Alright, I guess."
"Sorry, sweety, but you don't look like you were alright."
She didn't answer immediatly but walked over to her bed and sat down next to me. "I'm glad you came", she said then.
"I'm glad you want me here."
I was stunned by her next question. "Did you really love her like you always said?"
"Yeah, guess I did. No, still do."
"Do you miss her as much I do then?"
"Yeah, guess I do."
With that she fell in my arms. "I want her to come back. Why is everyone leaving me? First mum and now Buffy. I'm afraid, Spike."
"What are you afraid of, lil' bit?", I asked as I held her in my arms.
"I fear that I will be totally alone one day."
"Hey, look at me." I waited until she looked into my eyes, I needed her to believe me. "You know I'm immortal, I won't leave you."
"But..."
"What?"
"You ... you can still get killed."
"Sure I can. But I won't, I won't get killed for a good reason."
"What reason?"
"I promised your sister that I would take care of you." I bowed my head. "I failed you once, it won't happen again."
"But you didn't fail me, Spike! You did everything you could and you even got hurt! What else can I expect of you? You didn't think it was your fault all the time, did you?"
I didn't answer, but it didn't matter. She knew perfectly well how I felt and suddenly she took me in her arms. God, this had been the first time for so many years that someone held me just to comfort me. When I had been together with Dru I had been the one to hold her, I had always been the strong one.
'No, don't cry!", I thought to myself. 'Don't cry.'
But it was too late already. I didn't want it, but tears were running down my face now, there was just no way to stop them.
It was as if this girl was able to read my thoughts. "Don't be ashamed. There are just you and me."
I just couldn't stop the small laugh that escaped me. "Yeah", I whispered. "I guess that's the point."
"Spike, how often have I cried when you were there?"
"That's different."
"Oh, of course. Spike, you know that you're like a brother to me. I like you very much."
"I like you, too. Well, a lil' bit at least."
She laughed a little, she knew I didn't mean it.
Gently I pushed her back and dried my tears. "Thanks, lil' bit. Well, you should get some sleep. You look tired and when you're awake you have to eat something, too."
She nodded. "Will you stay here until I'm asleep?"
"Sure."
"I always dream of her. How she jumps down there and how she lies on the ground."
Now it was me who had to hold her again until she was able to calm down. "It will pass, Dawn, the dreams will go away", I whispered all the time.
Then she lay down on her bed and I covered her with the blanket. "Good night, nibblet. And, well, you won't tell anyone about what happened tonight, right?
She smiled a little, she knew very well what I meant. "Of course not. Good night." And then she fell asleep at once. She must have been terribly tired.
This time it was a peaceful slumber, without bad dreams and I wished that I would have been able to rest like this, too.
The End
Spike's Point of View!
Disclaimer: I wish it was mine, unfortunately it's not )-:
I failed you
Unable to move I watched how Giles took her in his arms and carried her away.
She was dead, gone, and I hadn't been able to do anything about it.
Buffy.
If I had been able to take care of Dawn none of this had happened.
All my damn fault.
Suddenly I heared someone coming over to me. When I looked up I saw Xander standing next to me. Surely he would hate me even more now, but there was no hate in his eyes, only undescribable sadness. And then, much to my surprise, he offered me his hand.
"Come on, freak. I'll help you to your tomb. Your leg looks like you cannot walk on your own."
He was right, it hurt like hell, but I hadn't paid attention to it until now. Though I hated it I took his hand and let him help me. I didn't have the heart to look at Dawn right now, I heared Willow and Tara talking to her, but I just couldn't look up and see the reproach in her eyes.
Slowly I followed Xander who supported me to my tomb.
When we were there I heavily sat down on my coffin.
Xander still stood there, uncertain of what to do. "I guess I can leave you alone now. I mean, do you need any more help?"
I just couldn't get it! Why wasn't he yelling or cursing at me?
I wanted to ask him that, wanted to tell him that it was all my fault and that he now had another reason to hate me. But I didn't.
"No, I'll be ok. Tomorrow it'll be healed."
He nodded. "Bye then."
"Yeah, bye." Before he could get out of the door I called him back once more. "Hey, Harris!" When he looked at me I bowed my head. My pride forbade me what I said then, but I did it nontheless. "Thanks."
"You're welcome.", he whispered, his voice heavy with grief. Then he went away without saying another word.
**********
For more than three days and nights I didn't leave my tomb. It wasn't my injured leg which prevented me to get out. As I had told Xander it was all well again.
But I just couldn't face them, it impossible and yes, maybe I was a damned coward.
Anyway, after these three days I finally left the darkness of my tomb and slipped into the darkness of the night. It didn't take long until I heared Willow, Xander and Tara coming to the cemetery. They were probably out to hunt vampires, somebody had to take care of that after Buffy... after Buffy couldn't do it anymore.
I couldn't go to them but I watched them from afar and listened to them.
They were silently talking about Buffy, about what had happened, and about Dawn.
"I'm worried about her", Willow said. "If she continues to stay silent we can do nothing to help her."
Suddenly Tara changed the direction and walked towards my tomb.
"What are you up to?" I was glad that Will asked that 'cause that was what I wanted to know myself.
"I'll go to Spike. Maybe he can get through to her. You know how much she likes him."
"Yes, but he didn't show up since, well, you know."
"You're right but it's somehow understandable. You know how he felt for Buffy." With that she opened the door to my tomb. "Spike?", she asked. "Are you there?"
For a moment I thought about going to them but I didn't dare.
After there was no reaction Tara walked into my tomb.
"And what are you doing now?"
"Nothing, Will. I only want to leave a message for him."
When she had finished they went away.
As soon as I was sure that they wouldn't return I went inside and took the letter Tara had written and read it.
Dear Spike,
I hope you're alright. We are a little worried since you didn't show up for three days. We understand that you miss Buffy, we all do but nobody is blaming you, not even Xander. It was not your fault, it was nobody's fault.
You know that you're one of us now, even though I know that you would never admit it.
Please let us know that you are well.
We're also worried about Dawn. She's not coming out of her room anymore and she doesn't want to talk to anyone.
Spike, we know that you're like a big brother to her, she loves you very much. Don't doubt that.
Maybe it would help her if you came and talked to her. We don't know what to do anymore, how to help her.
Please come as soon possible for she also doesn't eat.
If we cannot help her we must get a doctor for help, but I know she wouldn't want that.
She needs you.
Yours,
Tara
I held the letter in my hand and sighed.
Should I go?
They didn't seem to blame me and what was even more important, Dawn needed me.
I had promised Buffy to take care of her and I had failed her.
Now I had another chance and this time I wouldn't let her down!
**********
I left my motor bike before the house and then I rang the doorbell.
Tara opened the door and smiled as she saw me. "Spike, thank you for coming." She stepped to aside and allowed me to enter.
"How's Dawn?", I said.
"She's still up in her room and doesn't want us around. Maybe you can try?"
"Sure." I didn't want her to see how hard all this was for me. Hey, I was the bad one after all.
Somehow I still wanted them to think that I was only with them because the chip forced me to.
But I only had to look at at the young witch to know that she knew better.
"You know the way.", Tara said simply and looked at the stairs.
I nodded and went up.
Her door was closed and so I knocked. After a moment of silence I finally heared her voice. "Go away."
Well, that's what I had expected.
"Ok, lil' bit. Maybe the others would go now, but I won't. Just forget it! I won't go 'til you talked to me."
Nothing, no reaction at all.
"Nibblet, open the door now! The chip doesn't prevent me from braking it open!"
I heared that she stood up and unlocked the door. Finally I could open it.
She had turned away already so I could only see her back. Slowly she walked towards the window and stared out.
First I didn't know what to do but then I just entered the room, closed the door behind me and sat down on the bed.
Now I realized that for the first time I saw her all in black. Usually I liked this color a lot, but I wasn't used to seeing it on Dawn. "You know what?"
"What?" Her voice was very quiet.
"Black doesn't fit you."
Finally she turned around to face me. Her face was pale and she looked very tired. Hadn't she been able to sleep?
But now I could see a tiny smile on her face. "Does it not?"
"No, not really." I returned the smile. "Dawn," this was the first time I could remember that I called her by name. "how are you?"
"Alright, I guess."
"Sorry, sweety, but you don't look like you were alright."
She didn't answer immediatly but walked over to her bed and sat down next to me. "I'm glad you came", she said then.
"I'm glad you want me here."
I was stunned by her next question. "Did you really love her like you always said?"
"Yeah, guess I did. No, still do."
"Do you miss her as much I do then?"
"Yeah, guess I do."
With that she fell in my arms. "I want her to come back. Why is everyone leaving me? First mum and now Buffy. I'm afraid, Spike."
"What are you afraid of, lil' bit?", I asked as I held her in my arms.
"I fear that I will be totally alone one day."
"Hey, look at me." I waited until she looked into my eyes, I needed her to believe me. "You know I'm immortal, I won't leave you."
"But..."
"What?"
"You ... you can still get killed."
"Sure I can. But I won't, I won't get killed for a good reason."
"What reason?"
"I promised your sister that I would take care of you." I bowed my head. "I failed you once, it won't happen again."
"But you didn't fail me, Spike! You did everything you could and you even got hurt! What else can I expect of you? You didn't think it was your fault all the time, did you?"
I didn't answer, but it didn't matter. She knew perfectly well how I felt and suddenly she took me in her arms. God, this had been the first time for so many years that someone held me just to comfort me. When I had been together with Dru I had been the one to hold her, I had always been the strong one.
'No, don't cry!", I thought to myself. 'Don't cry.'
But it was too late already. I didn't want it, but tears were running down my face now, there was just no way to stop them.
It was as if this girl was able to read my thoughts. "Don't be ashamed. There are just you and me."
I just couldn't stop the small laugh that escaped me. "Yeah", I whispered. "I guess that's the point."
"Spike, how often have I cried when you were there?"
"That's different."
"Oh, of course. Spike, you know that you're like a brother to me. I like you very much."
"I like you, too. Well, a lil' bit at least."
She laughed a little, she knew I didn't mean it.
Gently I pushed her back and dried my tears. "Thanks, lil' bit. Well, you should get some sleep. You look tired and when you're awake you have to eat something, too."
She nodded. "Will you stay here until I'm asleep?"
"Sure."
"I always dream of her. How she jumps down there and how she lies on the ground."
Now it was me who had to hold her again until she was able to calm down. "It will pass, Dawn, the dreams will go away", I whispered all the time.
Then she lay down on her bed and I covered her with the blanket. "Good night, nibblet. And, well, you won't tell anyone about what happened tonight, right?
She smiled a little, she knew very well what I meant. "Of course not. Good night." And then she fell asleep at once. She must have been terribly tired.
This time it was a peaceful slumber, without bad dreams and I wished that I would have been able to rest like this, too.
The End