December 25, 2016

I can't sleep, or rather, I don't want to. I know I haven't written in a few days, but things have been so hectic dealing with the aftermath of the Dominators and Savitar and his unsettling prophecy on top of it all. I don't really want to talk about that today though.

I need to paint a picture of what's happening now, because I want to remember this forever. I know I don't have Barry's mind or memory, so I have to journal like a regular old person, not that regular people really even journal anymore.

It's 3:27 AM. There's a light snowfall outside. Even though I'm indoors, I'm shivering because I'm naked save for being wrapped in Barry's coat, scribbling on the hardwood floors of his Christmas gift to me. Barry's laying next to me on his side, his bare back propped on a makeshift pillow of both our clothes bunched up together. Being the gentleman he is, he insisted I use our coats as a mattress and blanket, but I guess that's only fair given he emits the body heat of a sauna. This was after he asked if we should get dressed and go back to my place to really spend the night, but I wanted to stay here with him. I'm not looking forward to our first electricity bill, considering how high we've turned the heat up for tonight, but it's worth it.

He's leased an apartment in our name. I don't know how or when he did this in between all that's been going on, I suppose that's where the super speed comes into play, but it's the most magical place that I can't wait to call home with him.

I wasn't expecting this at all. He was being cryptic about his gift, and now it all makes so much sense. Truthfully I'm a little annoyed I didn't figure it out myself, some investigative skills, eh? But I guess that would have taken all the fun out of it.

I'm a little surprised he had the eye for a place like this. Barry's so low-maintenance and indifferent about these sorts of things. I still remember his first apartment and how unfazed he was about the mildew and cement smell that came with it. "All I need is a fridge and a roof, Iris!" he'd always say. But I'm definitely not complaining about this new development haha.

I do feel pretty shitty when I realize he's basically given me a house and I got him a fucking wallet. His reaction to learning his gift was a wallet was the cutest. I haven't given it to him yet, but I know he'll at least appreciate the not-so-innocent photo I've slipped inside for him. Linda's idea, I promise.

It's been the most amazing evening. I can't remember a Christmas Eve where I've felt like this in so long. Like this as in, I don't want to be asleep because I want to be awake as much as possible. Like I would rather spend the hours when I should be sleeping basking in the present and reflecting on the here and now of what life is gifting me.

Work is busy, but so SO exciting, not to mention rewarding. I'm almost positive CCPN will be sending me to the summer journalism conference in Metropolis to represent the paper. Scott and the editors are terrible at being discreet, but I guess that's better for me!

Dad and Cecile are getting along perfectly. I was a little worried he would blow it with her. He hasn't dated in so long and he gets nervous even though he'll never admit it to me, but I'm so proud of him for putting himself out there again and couldn't be more ecstatic that it seems to be going well so far. We even Face-Timed her daughter today, and let me say if the universe wants to write another sibling into my life, she's one hell of a candidate.

On the subject of siblings, it doesn't escape me that it's my first Christmas really knowing my brother. One year with Wally has me wondering how I went my whole life without him (by the way he loved his suit more than I loved it, I might just have to ask Cisco to make me one-I'm starting to feel left out!). I'm still worried about him though. Maybe it's a little hypocritical of me to be this overbearing with him when I'm not the same with Barry, but he's my little brother. Sometimes I can't help the protective instinct.

Not like that instinct is any better when it comes to Barry. I just feel like lately I'm so in awe of him and so happy to be with him that there's not much room to feel anything else when it comes to him, anything other than unadulterated love. I used to think Barry was being his sometimes sensational self when he would claim that I taught him what love was but…I understand what he meant now. At least, I understand that I've never felt like this with anyone else.

If the sex is anything to go by, I know I've DEFINITELY never felt like this with anyone else. Every time we sleep together it's better than the last, which would make a few hours ago the best time, and that's saying something given that we were on a cold hardwood flood (okay, we may have migrated to the kitchen counter at some point too, but there's only so much we can do with a brand new empty apartment. We'll have to clean a few surfaces later...). I joked that people could see us through the curtain-less windows and that we might piss off our new neighbors before actually meeting them, to which he mumbled, "Let them see" in between neck kisses. He did make a really adorably awkward face while he was coming which I laughed at, effectively killing the mood, but he got to laugh at me plenty with all the teasing he subjected me to afterward.

It IS a relief to hear him laugh and see him smile these days, especially after all the burdens the last few months have placed on him. He's so hard on himself. I sensed something might be bothering him today at Dad's house, but I didn't want to push him or taint our first Christmas together as a couple. I'd do anything to keep him smiling.

I wish he could remember that for every mistake he's made, he's saved a life, protected someone, made this city safer. I wish he could understand that for all the faults he sees in himself, for every trial he shoulders the blame for, he has brought an unimaginable level of joy to my heart that I didn't think possible after losing Eddie and my mom. I wish I could make him believe that he's the reason I'm smiling as I write this, that he's why I feel this invincibility and enthusiasm for the future in a way I never have before. This sense that everything is finally…RIGHT for once. I know it's because of him.

I don't know how I never realized he was the one for me, but I'm willing to latch onto this feeling forever, no matter how late I realized it, as long as I've realized it, realized that he's the source of everything, of all this solace and wonder. Not just him, but a lifetime with him, a home with him.

Barry's snoring now, and he looks so cozy and soft that he's calling to me. I know this was a shorter entry, but there's only so much pressure my elbows can take. I just wanted to capture today in some way and keep it forever.

I hope this is a sign for what's to come, not only in the new year, but in this new life with him by my side. I'm in love. I'm happier than I've ever been. If I could cling to the memory of tonight and replicate it for everyday of forever…what could go wrong? What could go wrong?

-Iris Ann West