DISCLAIMER: This is my very first fanfiction that I've ever
written, so any comments and whatnot, be as...nonviolent as
possible. I know that this scenario would never happen, and I
sincerely apologize to everyone if I completely ruined your favorite
character. But the story was based on a cracked up idea that came
about one crazy evening. It couldn't work if some of the people
weren't out of character.. Also, I don't own Pretender; I'd be real
rich if I did, and I'm not. Thanks much, and try to enjoy.
Chapter 1
Dr. William Raines was sitting quietly at his desk, staring intensely at his computer, in DEEP thought. Records were showing that morale was low amongst the workers at the Centre….which was nothing incredibly new. It's not like he cared about the problems of the workers, and he didn't really care that half of those problems were probably his fault. But the fact that the low morale was actually hurting productivity was something he WOULD NOT stand for. Raines inhaled deeply into his oxygen tank, oh how pressurized oxygen rejuvenated him! He was in the process of finding a solution to this current issue, which would mostly involve him selecting a lackey to solve it for him. So Mr. Raines called for his most favorite Sweeper, Willie, and that loyal man rushed right in!
"What do you need, sir?"
"Willie…wheez Centre workers are slacking; their morale is low and we need to find a quick way to fix it, or else."
"Ummm…well, it might be a good start if you stopped digging into the workers' personal lives and destroying them mentally and emotionally," Raines glared at Willie, wheezing loudly, "But…hey, you know, that's just MY opinion." Willie added nervously, taking a few steps backward. Mr. Raines grunted, slowly rose from his chair and began to pace back and forth, his oxygen tank squeaking as he wheeled it behind him.
"What about some kind of social event? A party, if I should say? It would…bring team bonding?" Willie suggested.
"Fine. Just make it as cheap and painless as possible." Raines moved back into his chair and began scribbling on a hot pink Post-it note. He handed it to Willie. "Send invitations to all those written on there."
Willie stared at the paper. "Mr. Raines, there's only a few people on here; and…they're all men. Some of them are presumed dead, too."
"Just do as I say you insolent fool!" Raines snapped. With that, Willie walked swiftly towards the door as Raines called out, "Willie! Make sure each of them brings a dish to serve...wheez."
End of Chapter 1
Chapter 2
In another corner of the Centre, possibly the same corner, Mr. Parker was sitting in his office, positively bamboozled by a crossword puzzle in the daily newspaper. "Hmmmm…a five letter word for a pastry with a hole in it? These puzzles get more difficult every day!" Mr. Parker scratched his head. "Ah! I'll bet my intelligent daughter Ms. Parker can help me solve this!" He moved towards his computer to send an e-mail to his loving angel, when oh joy! He had a new message himself! It was an invitation for a "Male Social Gathering" this evening, hosted by….Mr. Raines? Mr. Parker reread the message to make sure his eyes weren't deceiving him. Nope, it was Mr. Raines' invitation. Bring a dish to serve, or else? Definitely Raines. He was quite sure that there was no option to cancel his invitation, no matter how uneasy the thought of a social hosted by Mr. Raines was. At that point, Mr. Parker came to another realization.
"Gah! I can't cook!" he cried to himself. He sat for a few seconds. "To the bakery!" Mr. Parker stood up, nearly knocking over his chair, hurdled over his desk and ran out the door.
"You got an invitation too, Broots?"
"Yeah, I did. Why on Earth would Mr. Raines invite me to a 'Male Social Gathering'? He probably thinks more of the crap you find in a car's wheel wells in the winter than he does of me."
"Beats me. I'm wondering why on Earth he's having this gathering in my sim lab, and didn't tell me beforehand."
"Because he's Mr. Raines." Broots and Sydney were walking together, sharing their utter confusion about the invitations they received.
"Do you think somebody put some kind of drug in his oxygen tank?" Broots thought out loud. Sydney shrugged.
"Well, whatever it is, I don't think we have a choice about going or not, plus, apparently we need a dish to pass. Jeez, I'm starting to get suspicious about Raines' state of mind myself…" Sydney said. The two men continued walking, until they ran into (not literally, mind you) everyone's favorite guy, Mr. Lyle!!!
"Oh, Mr. Lyle. Ummm…did you happen to get a weird letter from Mr. Raines in your mail today? You know, since you obviously didn't get an e-mail because you've got a phobia about computers and all?" Broots asked.
"It's not a phobia, you dimwit," Lyle said angrily, "Yes, I did get a letter from Mr. Raines about some kind of social tonight."
"Yeah…it's weird. Probably some kind of conspiracy going on…" Broots said quietly.
"Conspiracy? I think it's the coolest thing ever! It's gonna be like a slumber party! Yay!" Lyle shouted happily, pumping his fists in the air as those around him stared strangely. Broots and Sydney moved slowly away from the overly-excited Lyle.
"Umm…gee, Lyle. You're…a bit out of character today?" Sydney asked. Broots stared with his mouth open, not sure about what his brain just processed. Lyle lowered his fists.
"I just….never got to have a slumber party…" Lyle said sadly, staring at the floor. Broots and Sydney exchanged looks, trying to have pity on the fun-deprived man. Really, they were TRYING.
"I'm…sure it'll be fun …" Sydney reassured him. Lyle's face immediately brightened.
"Oh! I've got to find some games, and, and movies, and.." Lyle wandered off, lost in his own little world, leaving Broots and Sydney to exchange disturbed looks once again.
"Okay, I stand corrected. There must be some kind of new drug the Centre put in the water or the air vents. You and I and…well everyone else besides Mr. Lyle and Raines must have some kind of immunity to it or-"
"Be quiet, Broots. My head hurts." Sydney went back to his office to figure things out, and to prepare his sim lab for the undeniable doom that would arise inside that night. "I wonder who else Raines picked to take part in this…rather peculiar occasion…"
End of Chapter 2
Chapter 3
T'was the night of the party; Sydney and Broots were finishing up making the sim lab look…well…somewhat presentable for the occasion that neither of them was even hosting. The lab didn't seem like a prime place for a social, but then again, the other possibility was that the party would've been at the Raines' residence, and that was far too creepy in itself. Fortunately, Mr. Raines would never have the Centre's low class scum in his house.
"Hey, Sydney. Is this an actual overnight party? 'Cuz…I brought a sleeping bag."
"I think it is. I'm starting to be quite frightened about this whole setup. Putting the words 'Raines' and 'party' in the same sentence gives me the most fright," Sydney replied, shuddering. He pulled out an elaborate fruit salad from a paper bag and placed it on a table.
"Sweet Canadian Mullets, Sydney! You went all out on the food preparations!" Broots cried.
"I…bought it at the supermarket, Broots."
"So?! I brought a box of S'mores Pop-Tarts! I feel so pathetic…even though they have eleven essential vitamins and minerals." (A/N: The actually number of essential vitamins and minerals are debatable; the Kellogg's website said there were seven, but Broots said eleven. Maybe it makes him feel like a better parent telling Debbie she's getting four more helpings in her breakfast shrugs) Broots sighed and put his box next to the salad, wishing he'd brought a fancy plate to display them; maybe they'd look cooler.
"Hi, everyone!" a cheerful voice rang out.
Broots and Sydney turned to see Lyle prancing in with a large box, grinning stupidly. We can only guess what's inside the box, no matter how hard we try. Mr. Parker followed him in, pushing a large television on a cart.
"Ah, Sydney. I wasn't aware you were invited to this," Mr. Parker said as he brought the TV cart to a stop, "Anyways, you are just the man I've been wanting to talk to. I need to know a five letter word for a pastry with a hole in it. I just can't seem to figure it out!"
Sydney stared blankly at him, raising an eyebrow. "Well…" he began, but Broots dragged Sydney to the side.
"Sydney…I'm starting to freak out here. Lyle has…he has…oh god…I always knew he was a few fries short of a Happy Meal, but…"
"What's the problem?"
"He has…board games. Like, games that Debbie and I play! The guy's gotta be on drugs or something!"
"Just take it as it goes, Broots. It's our only option." The two men smiled awkwardly as Lyle gave them both a thumbs up. It wasn't until shortly after when Mr. Raines and Willie strode in. Willie was carrying a large plate of-
"TACO DIP! Oh my gawd, you are the BEST, Willie!" Lyle squealed, grabbing the plate and gently placing it on the table. Willie just stood and stared, his arms still in the position of carrying the plate. Broots stared jealously at the wonderful food that he had severely lacked in bringing to the party.
"Well, let's wheez get started then. There's still some people that aren't present, but they will come shortly. I know," Raines stated. Lyle cheered and the other, somewhat normal people shifted uneasily, not sure of what to do. Luckily for them, Lyle had the entire evening planned out.
"It's time for games, everyone!" The men walked over to see what torture Lyle had brought for them in board game form.
"I'm not sure what to make of this, but what the hell is going on?" A voice called out in the shadows. Willie went all commando and PULLED OUT HIS GUN!!!
"Show yourself!"
The figure did, in fact, show himself.
"GASP!! It's…!
End of Chapter
Chapter 4
"No freakin' way!"
"OMGWTF?!?"
"…Jarod?"
Indeed, it was Jarod. He slowly emerged from the shadows like some crazed killer. Except that Jarod is the furthest thing from a crazed killer, but that's beside the point.
"Ummm…I got this invitation to a 'Male Social Gathering.' I'm not quite sure what this is, but I have a very strong feeling that I'm going to regret coming here. So…you might as well just tell me now if you're all planning some way to capture me," Jarod said bluntly.
"For your information, Jarod, this gathering has absolutely nothing to do with you," Raines replied.
"Yeah, attention-hogger!" Lyle added. Raines and Jarod looked at Lyle, and he continued to busy himself with other matters.
"The Centre workers fail at being productive, so I planned this to fix it…wheez…and I invited you. Is there a problem with that?"
"Well…I…guess not. But, this isn't the best way to solve the problem. You'd probably get better productivity if you stopped digging into people's lives and destroying-"
"Shut up." Jarod shrugged and walked over to Sydney. Sydney was WAY too happy to see him.
"Hey Sydney."
Sydney nodded. "Jarod."
"Is this…really…just a party?"
"I believe so. It's a rather strange arrangement, isn't it?"
"That's a complete understatement. Well, I didn't have time to bring a dish, so I brought a package of Oreos." Jarod held up the package, to show Sydney he wasn't lying.
"OREOS!!!" Jarod turned in shock to see Sam the Sweeper make a sudden, dramatic entrance and grab the Oreos. He ripped the bag open and munched loudly on the cookies.
"Heeeyyyy!! Save some for later, you pig!" Lyle cried, chasing Sam around the room.
"And what the hell is wrong with Lyle?" Jarod asked.
"It's best not to ask," Sydney said. Jarod shrugged again, and picked up a Pop-Tart.
"I knew Jarod would eat them…" Broots said quietly to himself, his eyes shimmering with tears.
Mr. Lyle cleared his throat loudly, so that everyone could hear him, "Let's get started people! We have lots to do!" He clapped his hands together several times like a Broadway choreographer.
"Oh LYLE. You wouldn't start the party without ME, would you?!" To everyone's utter confusion and Lyle's sheer delight, Gar strutted in, wearing a big ol' cheesy grin.
"Okay…this is getting REALLY weird," Broots said.
"Weeeeeeeeeeee! I'm so happy you're here! I brought our favorite game!" Lyle said happily. Everyone looked disgusted, but they eventually were starting to get used to Lyle's exceptionally strange behavior. Gar, on the other hand, was a mystery in itself. Well, the two of them did hang around together a lot…okay that's enough.
"So, is that everyone?" Mr. Parker asked no one in particular.
"No, there's one more," Willie replied.
"God, I hope it's anyone except Mr. Raines," Sam said. Everyone stared at him, wondering if he was, indeed, that stupid. "OH! Boy, I didn't even realize at first that…that…" Sam trailed off and went to sit in a corner away from everyone, especially Mr. Raines.
"So, who are we missing?" Gar asked, breaking the awkward silence.
"…Kyle."
End of Chapter
Chapter 5
Jarod turned swiftly at the sound of his deceased brother's name. "Excuse me? Did you just say you invited Kyle?"
"Did I stutter?" Willie said.
"As in…my brother Kyle?"
"…Yup."
"But…he's dead…"
"Or so it would seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmm!" Everyone turned once again (they were starting to get rather irritated by these surprise entrances) to see Kyle emerge from the shadows as his older brother did. "I decide who lives or dies, Jarod. Don't ever forget that," he said as he approached Jarod.
"OH KYLE." Jarod said proudly, as he warmly embraced his younger sibling.
"Touching," Willie said dully.
"But how did you survive?! Jarod donated your heart! Your HEART!!!" Mr. Lyle screeched, pointing a quivering finger at Kyle.
Kyle replied, "Well, you see, it all began when I found myself on an island with a tribe of savage women and-Omigod TWISTER!!!" Kyle ran over to the games and picked up the Twister box, "I haven't played this in like…forever! Let's play it!" Everyone cheered and pumped their fists, except well…those who didn't.
"Rainesy! Spin the wheel for us!" Lyle called. Mr. Raines grunted and hobbled over to where the game was being set up.
"Ugh, my head hurts. I'm so confused!" Jarod said. Sydney reached into his pocket and handed him a container of Advil.
"It's the only thing I found that helps even remotely." The two men started eating Sydney's fruit salad as they watched several grown men attempt to play Twister.
"wheez Left foot yellow," Raines said as everyone shifted accordingly.
"I can't bend like I used to," Mr. Parker said.
"Gah! Who's touching my ass?!" Broots cried.
"Whoops," Gar answered coyly. Broots had a conniption about being partially molested and his foot slipped, kicking into Lyle's ankle. He squealed and grabbed Mr. Parker by the seat of his pants, pulling him down with him. Eventually, there was a large pile of people, sprawled in all sorts of fun positions, more than you could write a slashy fanfiction about. Kyle was the only one left standing, and upon this realization, he did a silly little victory dance. Silly Kyle! He kept dancing until Mr. Raines got annoyed and threw the cardboard wheel at him.
After the excruciating pain of Twister, the men decided to pick out…safer games to play. Kyle sprinted to a corner of the sim lab with an Ouiji board, giggling maniacally.
"Gar! Let's play Girl Talk!" Lyle said. Everyone really TRIED to ignore the two freaks, but it was turning out to be rather difficult. Broots, Sam, Mr. Parker, and Jarod went to play Candy Land. Willie and Mr. Raines played Connect Four. Sydney simply observed everyone. He first walked over to Kyle.
"Ouiji board, who decides who lives or dies?" He watched intensely, eyes wide, as his hands moved the little plastic eye thing over the letters K…Y…L…E. "OH HELLZ YEAH! That's right! I totally called that one!" He did another little victory dance.
"The game doesn't work if you play alone, Kyle. You'll move the device wherever your own subconscious thoughts want it to go," Sydney stated. Kyle stared at the board.
"…So?"
"So you're cheating."
"…So?" Sydney sighed and walked away, leaving Kyle to his game. He walked over to where the intense Candy Land game was taking place.
"Damn! How the hell did that happen?!" Sam cried in frustration.
"So…because I picked up the Princess Lolly card, I got to move my plastic gingerbread man all the way to the Princess Lolly space?" Jarod asked.
"That's right Jarod. You're lucky that you got it on the very first pick!" Broots said.
"So now, I've picked the Queen Frostine card, so I move to that space?"
"Yup."
"Cool." Jarod commenced in moving his gingerbread gamepiece to the Queen Frostine space, giving him a huge lead.
"There's like…no skill to this game! It's luck of the draw. And Jarod is still able to completely dominate us?" Sam yelled. Jarod just smiled. Sam picked up a card.
"The Plum Forest card?!" Sam exploded and tossed the game board in the air. Cards were scattered and plastic gingerbread were catapulted in various directions. "Stupid Jarod," he grumbled and stormed away.
"How juvenile," Mr. Parker stated.
"Yeah, what a sore loser," Broots added. Jarod smiled. Sydney chuckled and walked away. Sydney made sure to avoid the two men giggling stupidly whilst playing Girl Talk. He didn't even want to think about it.
"Jeez, Gar. You're such a chicken, you won't do anything daring!"
"I know! My face is covered in zits!" (For those who don't know the wonders of the game, the person who doesn't do one of the tasks has to put on a zit sticker. Totally cool, huh???)
"Ewwww! My gawd, you'll never get a date!"
"Hey, shut up! You're so mean!" Gar pouted. Sydney shuddered and went to watch the intense games of Connect Four that were taking place. Willie had several ways that he could win. He could pretty much slaughter Rainsey at this game; he'd played it many times as a child. Well, just pretend he did. However, because Willie knew the consequences of making a complete idiot out of Mr. Raines, regardless of the hilarity that would ensue, he decided to let Raines win most of the games. Even though it took Raines an incredibly long time to find out a way to get four checkers in a row.
After everyone was bored of their games, or the game was destroyed (no thanks to Sam), they decided to watch a movie. When they were through arguing and threatening each other over what movie to watch, Jarod decided to pick a movie at random. He closed his eyes and found a movie from the box. He stared at it, turned slowly to look at the others waiting impatiently, and stared back at the movie again, clearly confused.
"Whohas the movie Drop Dead Gorgeous?" Jarod asked. The men stared at each other; no one would admit to it, not even Lyle, who seemed the likely candidate at this point. After a moment, Mr. Parker finally raised his hand.
"It's Brigette's movie. It…must've gotten mixed in there," he said, turning a light shade of pink from embarrassment that his wife's movies were found inside the box.
Jarod read the synopsis on the back of the movie, "Hmmmm, sounds interesting."
"Let's NOT watch a chick movie," Sam retorted.
"You guys couldn't decide on anything, so this is what we're watching," Jarod stated, staring at Sam. Sam shut his mouth as Jarod put in the movie.
End of Chapter