Ch-chank.
Ch-chunk.
Ch-chank.
Outside, the sun rapidly set as the train rounded another bend, racing between the cover of the endless grove of pines. Inside, most of the residents of first class sat comfortably, discussing stocks, bonds, their estates, and and each other's expensive necklaces and prim clothing as classical music played in the background. Second class mates, meanwhile, were discussing what clothes they'd packed, the weather, how beautiful the horizon was at this time of evening, and exactly where their childrens' college funds mysteriously disappeared to during that one bout at Vegas.
Economy class, on the other hand, was more of a symphony of destruction.
Kiev ducked, narrowly dodging a bottle of milk as it flew over his head. It hit another person in the compartment behind him, knocking him clean onto the floor. As chance would have it, though at first collection an air-raid siren had went off, the illegal immigrants' seven children immediately behind Kiev began crying.
Kiev grit his teeth as he sat back up, readjusting his hat. He paused as he noticed a horn missing. Casually he bent down to the aisle, picking the solid-metal object off the badly warped floor. He ducked back in as a pair of raggedy-dressed leopards backed by, clawing each other into submission. Kiev just sat, keeping his eyes on the seat in front of him. He was cold. Bitterly cold. He reached over to pop the window back into place, but instead jumped back as the window completely plunged out of its sockets, shattering with a loud crash as it hit the ground below. Kiev watched with a sigh as the debris disappeared over the horizon. He rested his arm on the giant dufflebag next to him, drumming his oddly spherical hand against it.
"Is this seat taken?"
Kiev glanced up from his seat. Just inside his compartment stood a blue-furred cat, dressed in a red vest. Kiev tipped his head towards the seat across from him. Nodding, the passenger waddled in, carrying a bag at least twice as packed as his own. Kiev blinked as the guest grunted, lifting the giant sack onto the seat. The seat appropriately broke in two.
Kiev rolled his eyes, shuffling over in his own seat as the other half was taken. The cat leant back, resting his head against the torn cushioning that made up the wide headrest. "...given that we're going to be sitting here for a while, perhaps we could strike up some conversation?"
Kiev shrugged. "Be my guest. Name's Kiev."
"Keev?"
"Kiev."
"Koiv?"
"KI-EV." Kiev droned, turning back to his bag.
"...is that so? You can call me Rover." Rover leant further back, yawning. "...oh, hey, where are you headed?"
"I'm movin' out. Somewhere bigger and better. I'm going to follow oppritunity, get a cushy job, bury myself in Bells and laugh at all my subordinates."
Rover sighed. "Well, that's good. Where you intended on heading? Olenville?"
"No."
"Destin?"
"No."
"Freedom?"
"No."
"Green Mesa?"
"No."
"Hion Fiel-"
"NO, NO NO NO!!" Kiev screeched. "If it SO much BOTHERS you, I'm going to NEW YORK!!"
Pause. A nearby window was hit with a stray crowbar, causing the wind to blow dust and stray trash straight into both of their faces. With a loud thwap, Kiev reached up and tore the loose newspaper away from his face. "...how do you know about all these places, anyways?"
Rover grimaced. "Oh, I've followed this route quite a bit. I've heard from the others, some of their destinations. It seems to go on forever... and in a sense, it does."
Kiev shuddered. "Go on."
"Take a look around you, this is the largest train route in the continental Anima, and also one of the most understaffed, mind you. All twists and turns taken into consideration, I'd guess this entire thing to run close to 25000 miles. And... here's the kicker... there's only about five huge engines running the entire thing! Wacked, huh? So I'd make up your mind where you're going to settle down... cause you could be in for a long wait should you change your mind."
Kiev gulped. "...dandy."
"My stop's not for another 500 miles or so... wake me up when they bring snacks, huh?" Rover snatched the newspaper from Kiev's hands, dropping it over his face as he lied back. Kiev rolled his eyes...
...as suddenly, the train roared into a tunnel. There was a scream. A brief moment later, light returned to the cabin as it came out the other side. Kiev took a deep breath as a hulking frog stepped out from the torn curtains at the head of the car, holding one of the attendants up with a pair of box cutters. "ALL OF YOU!! DO AS I TELL YOU!!"
Kiev buried his head in his hands. It would be a long night.
********
Helle
Chapter 1 - Highway to Helle (In which Kiev eternally damns himself)
********
14 minutes later...
"This is wrong." Kiev droned.
"Oh, just shut up and do it..." Rover grumbled.
"I feel my humanity threatened in a SITUATION LIKE THIS!!" Keiv cried. He was promptly beaned with thrown garbage from the other bystanders. "...oh... fine... just once... but I think I'm going to cry." Kiev took a deep breath, and stood on his toes.
He began crouching, nearly tripping over the dress he had been provided. "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT!" he cupped his arm around, touching his tightened waist. "HERE IS MY HANDLE," he stood again, sticking his arm out into the air. "AND HERE IS MY SPOUT!"
Everyone else stared on distastefully as Kiev's manhood rapidly diminished. Meanwhile, the giant muscular amphibian sat at the far end of the economy car, still holding the bullet-sweating attendant captive with the box cutters, letting out an annoyingly high-pitched laugh. "Oh, man, I never thought I'd see this! AGAIN!! OR THE LADY GETS IT!!"
"I'm a little teapot. Short and stout..." Kiev growled deeply as he repeated the movements, becoming more tangled up in the skirt as he did so. Eventually he crouched one more time, ripping the dress.
"Dagnabbit..." an old lady at the back mumbled. "I just got that tailored last week..."
Meanwhile, the laughter had hit a new level of amplitude. "...OH MY GOD YOU ARE... GAH.. GAHAHAAH... AHAHAHH!! Good show, good show!"
"Are you JUST about done?" Rover sighed.
The toad smirked. "Until I find some new way to toy with your little minds, I'm afraid so! Now, you're all going to sit back here like good little boys and girls until my demands are met! Or..."
"Or what?" Kiev muttered.
"...what?! Are you talking to ME?!"
Kiev folded his arms. "...yeah. For one thing, I'm not sure how you're going to endanger our lives and all in the name of your little hijacker codec."
Rover sweatdropped. "..uuhhh.. Kiev... are you sure..."
"I'm perfectly sure I have this all planned out!" the toad spat. "If you don't follow everything I instruct, this lady will GET IT!!"
Kiev groaned. "...and theeen..."
"...what do you MEAN, and then?! I'll endanger all your lives too!"
"And tell me, exactly HOW do you intend to endanger our lives?"
"With these BOX CUTTERS!!" Snip. Snip.
Kiev rubbed his chin. "...well, you DO realize that this entire car could tackle you in the time it takes you to snip once, correct? You're going to have to do better than that."
"...MAYBE I'LL BLOW MYSELF UP!!"
"You don't have a bomb." Kiev and Rover droned.
"...YES I DO!!"
"...no, you don't. For one thing, you aren't wearing anything to conceal one. You aren't wearing ANYTHING, as a matter of fact."
"EVERYBODY!! GET HIM!!" a voice in the back screamed. Accordingly, everyone in the cabin leapt for the attacker at once. At that precise moment, the train entered another tunnel.
"DIE TERRORIST SCUM!!"
"YAAAUGGHHH!!"
"ARRGGHH!!"
"Nobody move! I lost a conta-guh!"
"That's going to smart..."
"NOT IN THE FACE!!"
"FLYING LOTUS FIST!"
"Whuh?"
CLANG WHUMP POW SACK WHOOMP BAM CRASH
The train suddenly filled with light as it crested the edge of the tunnel. A giant melee took up most of the front aisle. Kiev stuck his head out of the furball, scratching it. "...um..." As the dust cloud cleared, it was revealed that everyone was mercilessly pounding the life out of Rover.
"H-HE'S GETT-TING AWAY-Y!!" Rover pointed down the aisle, through the open door and into the second class car as the assailant continued to drag his hostage away. Everyone promptly trampled over Rover. Kiev led the charge into the center of the car, where the seats broke off for a moment to reveal the departure doors on both sides of the car.
"End of the line!" Kiev thrust his finger at his attacker. Rover followed after an awkward pause. Both leapt back again as the mechanical device lunged at them, threatening to snap their heads off. "You will not threaten my possible prosperity in NEW YORK CITY!! DOWN WITH YOU!" Both circled around to in front of the left doors, narrowly dodging another attack. With a cry of rage, Kiev and Rover were bullrushed, slammed backwards by the massive amphibian's shoulder. Both yelled as they were thrown back from the impact, flying clean into and smashing the wooden doors to splinters as they carried completely through, launching completely off of the train.
"GYAH! HAHAHAH! HAHAHAAHH-*clunk*-guhhh..." With a mighty swing of the crowbar, the giant toad was KOed, collapsing out of the open train doors as it passed over a deep ravine.
"Fleabag!" the old lady tossed away the crowbar as she moved over to examine the torn skirt lying on the ground. "...oh, dear... this could take some work..."
--------
Birds chirped, and dandelion seeds floated across the breeze. The leaves in the trees rippled in response as the sun rose over the horizon, beginning a brand new day. The light reflected into and back out of a small pond, making visible a pair of lifeless bodies and a pair of dufflebags. Kiev opened his eyes slowly, lifting his head out of the water. He saw double as his sight slowly began to repair itself. The blinding sun hovered above, staring down onto Kiev.
"...ahhh... accccurssed sun..." Kiev slurred. "...go awayyy..."
In response, the sun shone in an even brighter and more annoying manner.
"...auughhh..." Kiev pulled his hat down, blocking out the light. Slowly, he began to push himself to his feet, standing up in the small pond. "...grahh.." he finally gave his head a shake, reeling back as he opened his eyes again. Spotting his bags, he turned back to where Rover still lied face up. "...hey, you okay?"
"...m'guess." Rover stammered. "...where are we..?"
"No clue." Kiev slumped over, beginning to lift his bags. He stopped, blinking in confusion.
"...somethin' wrong..." Rover gasped as he rose to his feet.
"...I think things have been going particularly in my favor for the past little while as soon as you get over the fact WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!!" Kiev kicked away a rock, tossing his bag over his shoulder. "Where's the train?! We gotta find the train! It couldn'tve gotten fa-" he stared up at the sky. It was already high noon. "...who am I kidding..." he fell back to the ground, dropping his bag. "...this is friggin ridiculous... that was my ride! And now..."
Rover sighed. "Well, you know what I said."
"I know perfectly what you said. I can't get it out of my head as much as I want to."
"At least we have our stuff..." Rover opened his bag, making the futile attempt to keep its contents from spilling over. He dug around, eventually pulling out a large travel map. "...I have everything we need to find our way... now we just need somewhere to find a way to. There's gotta be a township around here somewhere... they're everywhere."
Kiev plodded by again, flailing his arms. "Oh, this had BETTER not be a week's trek..."
Rover brightened considerably. "Hey, hey! Lookit this..." he planted his finger onto the map where Kiev couldn't see. "I think we have our solution right here! Given our proximity to that ravine over there... wow, that place is less than thirty miles from here!"
"What township?"
Rover looked up. "It's a pretty big settlement. It's a place called Helle."
Pause.
"...hell?"
"Helle."
Pause.
"Somewhere, somehow, some supernatural force is busting a gut right now." Kiev sighed as he lifted up his bag again. "...hell?"
"Helle."
"Hell."
"Helle."
"...let's... just get moving." Kiev started down the hill, starting away from the ravine.
Rover followed closely, tugging his vest as he went. "From the topographical information it looks like a decent-sized place. We should be able to fit right in."
"For the time being."
"...for the time being."
Thus, after another annoyed glare from Kiev, the two picked up their bags and began the long trip over the hills and plains and forests toward Helle, not thinking once about their overstuffed bags which could potentially crush them at any given moment. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
"Now I feel like I could do ANYTHING." Kiev sneered.
"Just.. move." Rover hoisted his bag over top of his back, nearly dwarfing its holder. "...gack..." he toppled over, collapsing facefirst into the pond.
In an attempt to make this transition as painless as possible, it has been suggested by the author and several other reliable sources that the scene be played at fast forward. At this time we suggest you play the most ridiculously upbeat instrumental MP3 you have. This has been tested with both the Benny Hill theme and the Saber Dance. Your mileage may vary.
Thus a particularly amusing scene commenced, with Rover dropping his gigantic bag on his toe four times, and Kiev accidently stepping off a ravine and landing on his head.
It was late into the evening when Kiev and Rover stepped over another hill, cresting the horizon once again as the sky finally reached pitch darkness. Rover limped on his good foot, dragging his bag along, while Kiev still rubbed the bandage on his head. "...graaahh.. where the hell is Helle?"
Rover stared distastefully at Kiev.
Kiev shook his head. "My bad."
Rover turned back, staring down at the grass. "...does this look funny to you?"
"Until you ruined it."
"No, I mean, look..." Rover gestured down at the ground. "...this grass is worn down. I think we're getting close to a settlement. Maybe it might be Helle."
Kiev curiously stuck his head over the hill. What he saw both brightened and darkened him. There was a vast plain with hills and valleys, with several lit houses scattered along a winding stone path. More light rose from beyond a grove of trees that seemed to stretch miles. Kiev casually glanced to the side, where a large sign stood. On it in messy spraypaint read "WELCOME TO HELLEL HEEL HELLE" the first two names were blocked out by huge blotches of paint but were still easily readable.
Rover slumped over the edge. "Well, this must be the place."
Kiev pivoted. "...now?"
Rover blinked. "...what do you mean, 'now'?"
Kiev tensed. "We're hauling several metric tons of clothes and toiletries and other essentials that I'm too pissed off to name off, I'm tired, you're tired, and for what we know the next train could come in the next millenia! WHERE DO WE GO?!" Kiev was ready to drop his bag and start strangling his travel partner, but decided against it should he have to go through the back-breaking stress of having to pick it up again.
Rover nodded, letting his eyes flutter as he stanced himself. "Oh, it's all about survival. You gotta start from the bottom and work your way up. We're gonna live on the streets. Build up some funds. Then we can start thinking about bigger and better things."
"I see a big cobblestone road and four houses!" Kiev spat.
"We gotta get some money, first," Rover spoke cooly. "I doubt your savings can carry us as long-"
"WHAT?!"
"..uh... OUR savings. Right. What did I say..." Rover cleared his throat. "Anyways, I've got some nonessentials I can sell. How about you? We can do a little street selling, if you know what I mean."
"Isn't that illegal?" Kiev tilted his head.
"Hey, this is a little hamlet! Do you think anyone'll care?"
--------
The police dog sat at his desk, his elbows resting as he twiddled his thumbs. He glanced between Kiev and Rover, hunched into tiny chairs and staring at him like ghosts. His stare dug into both of them like a knife. "I hope you two have something to say for yourselves."
"It was his idea." Kiev and Rover chorused, pointing at each other.
"I don't know who the hell either of you are..." the officer's voice suddenly raised in pitch, making both culprits jump. "...but you're going to respect the law in this neck of the woods, just like anywhere else! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLE-" he paused as his voice squeaked out. "...do I make myself clear..."
Both Kiev and Rover nodded furiously.
The officer buried his head in his one hand, stretching his other out. "...man.. I've NEVER been good at this serious punishment thing... you two... go away and stuff..."
Kiev and Rover both departed their chairs, leaving the single-room police station and stepping out into the cool night air. By now, the once field of beacons was now completely dark, save for the cramped office they had just left. They both stepped forward, heading off in no particular direction at all.
"What's your next brilliant idea? I'm dying to hear." Kiev chimed.
"Okay, okay... just listen. Maybe I was a little out there... maybe there's... a hotel? Or... even low-cost housing?"
"Low cost housing?! I started my day by leaping on that train hoping I could rent a decent little house, or at least a fairly large apartment block, and I'm going to wind up in low cost housing?!?" The words seemed to echo like a death sentence in Kiev's ears. Low cost housing. Low cost housing. Well, they were, as a matter of fact, actually resonating. The voice in the night found its way deep within the bushes, where a wild animal's ears perked. With a sniffle, it slowly, quietly navigated the bushes, attempting to find the source of the discussion.
"LOW COST HOUSING!" Kiev stamped his feet.
"Well, what's YOUR bright idea? Huh?" Rover leant dangerously close to Kiev.
The figure's eyes narrowed. It began to move, from a crawl to a walk, from a walk to a run, from a run to a windsprint. Its prey was finally in sight. Soon, they too would be assimilated. It zeroed in on the bickering human and cat, its toothy grin widening in anticipation as it homed in on its target.
Kiev suddenly paused, leaving Rover to try to slow his own verbal barrage down. "...do you hear something?"
"...I don't like the feeling..."
With a mighty roar, a pair of bright eyes lanced out of the darkness, moments before the beast leapt from the bushes, ready to attack his two victims in one fell swoop.
"HELLOOOOOOOOO!" a raccoon leapt out of the bush, flailing his limbs.
"GIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Kiev and Rover turned white, turning to sprint away - instead plowing into each other, sending them sprawling across the road with a painful thud.
The raccoon froze in place with his arms in the air, watching in confusion as the two bodies writhed on the ground trying to right themselves. He reached up, taking off his glasses-and-moustache. "...um... hello?"
Both Kiev and Rover turned towards the attacker, beet red. In a flash they were back on their feet, already advancing on him with fists raised. Rover paused as he examined him, managing to hold back Kiev as he vented. "You leap out of the bushes like a banshee to say HELLO?! You FREAK!!"
"...you should see the looks on most peoples' faces when I do that... even if I've done it to them a million times before. It's always worth the effort."
Rover was nearly drug away by Kiev. "...you really look familiar. Are you related to Tom Nook? He's the manager of the Nook 'n Go in my hometo-"
"I AM Tom Nook." Nook suddenly blurted monotonously. "I'm the manager of Helle's local Nookway and head of the tourism department of Helle. How can I possibly help you? Asides from your low-cost housing situation?"
"...ri-ight..." Rover blinked.
"You were listening...?" Kiev now looked as confused as Rover.
"I'm the problem solver of Helle, so to speak." Nook exerted a particularly dull laugh. "It would seem to interest you that I own a small portion of real estate in our little town of Helle. You insist you need a place to stay?... well, as a matter of fact, I am currently trying to sell a house for the low, low price of 10,000 bells!"
Kiev attempted to ignore his perpetrator's extremely artificial tone. "...um.. well, see, we're not really interested in BUYING a house in Helle, as per say... we're more interested in renting one out for the time being... for the right pri-"
"No can do!" Nook suddenly chorused. "This house is for sale! Or lease! No rent!"
Rover shrugged. "Hey, we'll buy i-" he was instantly throttled as Kiev drug him into the bush. Shoving him up against a tree, Kiev moved in closer. "...what's... the big deal?!"
Kiev grimaced. "Are you KIDDING?! I only have 11,000 bells here to work with! I can't just BUY a house that I'm not going to be using once I'm OUT of Helle! You do NOT survive in the the CITY with 1000 BELLS!"
"Are you leaving Helle?" Nook peered right over Kiev's shoulder. Kiev in response dropped his grip on Rover, letting out a shriek as he hopped back.
"Will you GIVE us a little privacy?!" Kiev refitted his hat. "...no, we're not permanent residents of Helle. First train that comes by, we're movin' out!"
Nook frowned. "I'm afraid that might not be possible."
Kiev facefaulted. "What do you MEAN it isn't possible?! We wait for the train, steal a ride and get the hell out of here! What's there not to understand?!"
"Well, according to the newswire, just yesterday there was supposedly a train hijack, one that was headed to pass Helle. One of the attendants was held hostage, and though the attacker was thrown off the train, all lines in this region of Anima are being shut down until a proper investigation can be conducted as to the means of attack, motive of attack, possible affiliations of the subject with any major hijacking groups, et cetera."
"HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!" Kiev screamed.
"...ah, actual forensic investigations should begin sometime in the next month, I believe."
"...THIS IS TOO CRUEL!!" Kiev spun around, winding up as he slammed his fist into the trunk of the tree behind him. "NOW what do I do?!"
Rover tugged nervously at his collar. "With all due respect, I have places to go, too. But we're not going to get anywhere at this rate. Maybe we should just... settle down in Helle for a while until things clear up. You know? As soon as we get a ticket out of Helle, we'll just pawn the house."
Nook shook his head. Rover stared on in shock. "...wha?"
"You know how long I've waited to get someone into this house?" Nook frowned. "I can't guarantee I'll still have all the money you've given me, should you decide to. I've got a store to take care of, debts to pay... that house is my lifeline right now, the profits I obtain from it. If you were to sell it, you'd need to sell it to someone else - there's no guarantee I'd ever have that sum of money back necessary to rebuy it."
"That's a chance we'll have to take." Rover sighed. "Kiev? You 'kay with that?"
"...I don't even care anymore." Kiev waved lifelessly as he remained leaning against the large pine.
--------
Deals were made, money changed hands, and soon Kiev and Rover obtained full ownership sans utilities of a small, relatively well-maintained shack at the far side of the field, sitting at the foot of a cliff. The house, or the 'slum of Helle', as Kiev lovingly and repeatingly referred to it, quickly filled up with both of their belongings. No appliances. Food would have to wait for another day. In the second of two rooms in the house, a very bland living room-ish arrange with a large pane glass window facing the bland cliff (the only one in the house, of course), Rover set up his luxurious sleeping bag while Kiev sat poised on an inch-thick foam mattress.
"So," Rover sighed. "Any big plans for tomorrow?"
"You?" Kiev wheezed back.
"...I think I'm going to die here."
"Thank you, Captain Obvious."
"...might as well make ourselves aquainted with the populace."
"...over my dead body."
"...good night."
"...fuck you."
Thus the stars shone brightly, showing absolutely no pretense whatsoever to the literal purgatory Kiev and Rover would eventually head through on their passive adventure to their destinations.
Good night, everybody.
"..."
"I figured I shouldn'tve left my cell phone at home."
"Shut up already..."
--------
Chapter 2: Whipping Boys
In which our heroes become aquainted with Helle's senile populace, Rover learns the secrets of Nook's success, Kiev learns the true value of hard work, many air mattresses meet their death, Anima's mass transit undergoes budget revamping and much environmental destruction goes unchecked.
---------
Ultimanium
Comments? Queries? Death threats?
ultimanium@hotmail.com
Ch-chunk.
Ch-chank.
Outside, the sun rapidly set as the train rounded another bend, racing between the cover of the endless grove of pines. Inside, most of the residents of first class sat comfortably, discussing stocks, bonds, their estates, and and each other's expensive necklaces and prim clothing as classical music played in the background. Second class mates, meanwhile, were discussing what clothes they'd packed, the weather, how beautiful the horizon was at this time of evening, and exactly where their childrens' college funds mysteriously disappeared to during that one bout at Vegas.
Economy class, on the other hand, was more of a symphony of destruction.
Kiev ducked, narrowly dodging a bottle of milk as it flew over his head. It hit another person in the compartment behind him, knocking him clean onto the floor. As chance would have it, though at first collection an air-raid siren had went off, the illegal immigrants' seven children immediately behind Kiev began crying.
Kiev grit his teeth as he sat back up, readjusting his hat. He paused as he noticed a horn missing. Casually he bent down to the aisle, picking the solid-metal object off the badly warped floor. He ducked back in as a pair of raggedy-dressed leopards backed by, clawing each other into submission. Kiev just sat, keeping his eyes on the seat in front of him. He was cold. Bitterly cold. He reached over to pop the window back into place, but instead jumped back as the window completely plunged out of its sockets, shattering with a loud crash as it hit the ground below. Kiev watched with a sigh as the debris disappeared over the horizon. He rested his arm on the giant dufflebag next to him, drumming his oddly spherical hand against it.
"Is this seat taken?"
Kiev glanced up from his seat. Just inside his compartment stood a blue-furred cat, dressed in a red vest. Kiev tipped his head towards the seat across from him. Nodding, the passenger waddled in, carrying a bag at least twice as packed as his own. Kiev blinked as the guest grunted, lifting the giant sack onto the seat. The seat appropriately broke in two.
Kiev rolled his eyes, shuffling over in his own seat as the other half was taken. The cat leant back, resting his head against the torn cushioning that made up the wide headrest. "...given that we're going to be sitting here for a while, perhaps we could strike up some conversation?"
Kiev shrugged. "Be my guest. Name's Kiev."
"Keev?"
"Kiev."
"Koiv?"
"KI-EV." Kiev droned, turning back to his bag.
"...is that so? You can call me Rover." Rover leant further back, yawning. "...oh, hey, where are you headed?"
"I'm movin' out. Somewhere bigger and better. I'm going to follow oppritunity, get a cushy job, bury myself in Bells and laugh at all my subordinates."
Rover sighed. "Well, that's good. Where you intended on heading? Olenville?"
"No."
"Destin?"
"No."
"Freedom?"
"No."
"Green Mesa?"
"No."
"Hion Fiel-"
"NO, NO NO NO!!" Kiev screeched. "If it SO much BOTHERS you, I'm going to NEW YORK!!"
Pause. A nearby window was hit with a stray crowbar, causing the wind to blow dust and stray trash straight into both of their faces. With a loud thwap, Kiev reached up and tore the loose newspaper away from his face. "...how do you know about all these places, anyways?"
Rover grimaced. "Oh, I've followed this route quite a bit. I've heard from the others, some of their destinations. It seems to go on forever... and in a sense, it does."
Kiev shuddered. "Go on."
"Take a look around you, this is the largest train route in the continental Anima, and also one of the most understaffed, mind you. All twists and turns taken into consideration, I'd guess this entire thing to run close to 25000 miles. And... here's the kicker... there's only about five huge engines running the entire thing! Wacked, huh? So I'd make up your mind where you're going to settle down... cause you could be in for a long wait should you change your mind."
Kiev gulped. "...dandy."
"My stop's not for another 500 miles or so... wake me up when they bring snacks, huh?" Rover snatched the newspaper from Kiev's hands, dropping it over his face as he lied back. Kiev rolled his eyes...
...as suddenly, the train roared into a tunnel. There was a scream. A brief moment later, light returned to the cabin as it came out the other side. Kiev took a deep breath as a hulking frog stepped out from the torn curtains at the head of the car, holding one of the attendants up with a pair of box cutters. "ALL OF YOU!! DO AS I TELL YOU!!"
Kiev buried his head in his hands. It would be a long night.
********
Helle
Chapter 1 - Highway to Helle (In which Kiev eternally damns himself)
********
14 minutes later...
"This is wrong." Kiev droned.
"Oh, just shut up and do it..." Rover grumbled.
"I feel my humanity threatened in a SITUATION LIKE THIS!!" Keiv cried. He was promptly beaned with thrown garbage from the other bystanders. "...oh... fine... just once... but I think I'm going to cry." Kiev took a deep breath, and stood on his toes.
He began crouching, nearly tripping over the dress he had been provided. "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT!" he cupped his arm around, touching his tightened waist. "HERE IS MY HANDLE," he stood again, sticking his arm out into the air. "AND HERE IS MY SPOUT!"
Everyone else stared on distastefully as Kiev's manhood rapidly diminished. Meanwhile, the giant muscular amphibian sat at the far end of the economy car, still holding the bullet-sweating attendant captive with the box cutters, letting out an annoyingly high-pitched laugh. "Oh, man, I never thought I'd see this! AGAIN!! OR THE LADY GETS IT!!"
"I'm a little teapot. Short and stout..." Kiev growled deeply as he repeated the movements, becoming more tangled up in the skirt as he did so. Eventually he crouched one more time, ripping the dress.
"Dagnabbit..." an old lady at the back mumbled. "I just got that tailored last week..."
Meanwhile, the laughter had hit a new level of amplitude. "...OH MY GOD YOU ARE... GAH.. GAHAHAAH... AHAHAHH!! Good show, good show!"
"Are you JUST about done?" Rover sighed.
The toad smirked. "Until I find some new way to toy with your little minds, I'm afraid so! Now, you're all going to sit back here like good little boys and girls until my demands are met! Or..."
"Or what?" Kiev muttered.
"...what?! Are you talking to ME?!"
Kiev folded his arms. "...yeah. For one thing, I'm not sure how you're going to endanger our lives and all in the name of your little hijacker codec."
Rover sweatdropped. "..uuhhh.. Kiev... are you sure..."
"I'm perfectly sure I have this all planned out!" the toad spat. "If you don't follow everything I instruct, this lady will GET IT!!"
Kiev groaned. "...and theeen..."
"...what do you MEAN, and then?! I'll endanger all your lives too!"
"And tell me, exactly HOW do you intend to endanger our lives?"
"With these BOX CUTTERS!!" Snip. Snip.
Kiev rubbed his chin. "...well, you DO realize that this entire car could tackle you in the time it takes you to snip once, correct? You're going to have to do better than that."
"...MAYBE I'LL BLOW MYSELF UP!!"
"You don't have a bomb." Kiev and Rover droned.
"...YES I DO!!"
"...no, you don't. For one thing, you aren't wearing anything to conceal one. You aren't wearing ANYTHING, as a matter of fact."
"EVERYBODY!! GET HIM!!" a voice in the back screamed. Accordingly, everyone in the cabin leapt for the attacker at once. At that precise moment, the train entered another tunnel.
"DIE TERRORIST SCUM!!"
"YAAAUGGHHH!!"
"ARRGGHH!!"
"Nobody move! I lost a conta-guh!"
"That's going to smart..."
"NOT IN THE FACE!!"
"FLYING LOTUS FIST!"
"Whuh?"
CLANG WHUMP POW SACK WHOOMP BAM CRASH
The train suddenly filled with light as it crested the edge of the tunnel. A giant melee took up most of the front aisle. Kiev stuck his head out of the furball, scratching it. "...um..." As the dust cloud cleared, it was revealed that everyone was mercilessly pounding the life out of Rover.
"H-HE'S GETT-TING AWAY-Y!!" Rover pointed down the aisle, through the open door and into the second class car as the assailant continued to drag his hostage away. Everyone promptly trampled over Rover. Kiev led the charge into the center of the car, where the seats broke off for a moment to reveal the departure doors on both sides of the car.
"End of the line!" Kiev thrust his finger at his attacker. Rover followed after an awkward pause. Both leapt back again as the mechanical device lunged at them, threatening to snap their heads off. "You will not threaten my possible prosperity in NEW YORK CITY!! DOWN WITH YOU!" Both circled around to in front of the left doors, narrowly dodging another attack. With a cry of rage, Kiev and Rover were bullrushed, slammed backwards by the massive amphibian's shoulder. Both yelled as they were thrown back from the impact, flying clean into and smashing the wooden doors to splinters as they carried completely through, launching completely off of the train.
"GYAH! HAHAHAH! HAHAHAAHH-*clunk*-guhhh..." With a mighty swing of the crowbar, the giant toad was KOed, collapsing out of the open train doors as it passed over a deep ravine.
"Fleabag!" the old lady tossed away the crowbar as she moved over to examine the torn skirt lying on the ground. "...oh, dear... this could take some work..."
--------
Birds chirped, and dandelion seeds floated across the breeze. The leaves in the trees rippled in response as the sun rose over the horizon, beginning a brand new day. The light reflected into and back out of a small pond, making visible a pair of lifeless bodies and a pair of dufflebags. Kiev opened his eyes slowly, lifting his head out of the water. He saw double as his sight slowly began to repair itself. The blinding sun hovered above, staring down onto Kiev.
"...ahhh... accccurssed sun..." Kiev slurred. "...go awayyy..."
In response, the sun shone in an even brighter and more annoying manner.
"...auughhh..." Kiev pulled his hat down, blocking out the light. Slowly, he began to push himself to his feet, standing up in the small pond. "...grahh.." he finally gave his head a shake, reeling back as he opened his eyes again. Spotting his bags, he turned back to where Rover still lied face up. "...hey, you okay?"
"...m'guess." Rover stammered. "...where are we..?"
"No clue." Kiev slumped over, beginning to lift his bags. He stopped, blinking in confusion.
"...somethin' wrong..." Rover gasped as he rose to his feet.
"...I think things have been going particularly in my favor for the past little while as soon as you get over the fact WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!!!" Kiev kicked away a rock, tossing his bag over his shoulder. "Where's the train?! We gotta find the train! It couldn'tve gotten fa-" he stared up at the sky. It was already high noon. "...who am I kidding..." he fell back to the ground, dropping his bag. "...this is friggin ridiculous... that was my ride! And now..."
Rover sighed. "Well, you know what I said."
"I know perfectly what you said. I can't get it out of my head as much as I want to."
"At least we have our stuff..." Rover opened his bag, making the futile attempt to keep its contents from spilling over. He dug around, eventually pulling out a large travel map. "...I have everything we need to find our way... now we just need somewhere to find a way to. There's gotta be a township around here somewhere... they're everywhere."
Kiev plodded by again, flailing his arms. "Oh, this had BETTER not be a week's trek..."
Rover brightened considerably. "Hey, hey! Lookit this..." he planted his finger onto the map where Kiev couldn't see. "I think we have our solution right here! Given our proximity to that ravine over there... wow, that place is less than thirty miles from here!"
"What township?"
Rover looked up. "It's a pretty big settlement. It's a place called Helle."
Pause.
"...hell?"
"Helle."
Pause.
"Somewhere, somehow, some supernatural force is busting a gut right now." Kiev sighed as he lifted up his bag again. "...hell?"
"Helle."
"Hell."
"Helle."
"...let's... just get moving." Kiev started down the hill, starting away from the ravine.
Rover followed closely, tugging his vest as he went. "From the topographical information it looks like a decent-sized place. We should be able to fit right in."
"For the time being."
"...for the time being."
Thus, after another annoyed glare from Kiev, the two picked up their bags and began the long trip over the hills and plains and forests toward Helle, not thinking once about their overstuffed bags which could potentially crush them at any given moment. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
"Now I feel like I could do ANYTHING." Kiev sneered.
"Just.. move." Rover hoisted his bag over top of his back, nearly dwarfing its holder. "...gack..." he toppled over, collapsing facefirst into the pond.
In an attempt to make this transition as painless as possible, it has been suggested by the author and several other reliable sources that the scene be played at fast forward. At this time we suggest you play the most ridiculously upbeat instrumental MP3 you have. This has been tested with both the Benny Hill theme and the Saber Dance. Your mileage may vary.
Thus a particularly amusing scene commenced, with Rover dropping his gigantic bag on his toe four times, and Kiev accidently stepping off a ravine and landing on his head.
It was late into the evening when Kiev and Rover stepped over another hill, cresting the horizon once again as the sky finally reached pitch darkness. Rover limped on his good foot, dragging his bag along, while Kiev still rubbed the bandage on his head. "...graaahh.. where the hell is Helle?"
Rover stared distastefully at Kiev.
Kiev shook his head. "My bad."
Rover turned back, staring down at the grass. "...does this look funny to you?"
"Until you ruined it."
"No, I mean, look..." Rover gestured down at the ground. "...this grass is worn down. I think we're getting close to a settlement. Maybe it might be Helle."
Kiev curiously stuck his head over the hill. What he saw both brightened and darkened him. There was a vast plain with hills and valleys, with several lit houses scattered along a winding stone path. More light rose from beyond a grove of trees that seemed to stretch miles. Kiev casually glanced to the side, where a large sign stood. On it in messy spraypaint read "WELCOME TO HELLEL HEEL HELLE" the first two names were blocked out by huge blotches of paint but were still easily readable.
Rover slumped over the edge. "Well, this must be the place."
Kiev pivoted. "...now?"
Rover blinked. "...what do you mean, 'now'?"
Kiev tensed. "We're hauling several metric tons of clothes and toiletries and other essentials that I'm too pissed off to name off, I'm tired, you're tired, and for what we know the next train could come in the next millenia! WHERE DO WE GO?!" Kiev was ready to drop his bag and start strangling his travel partner, but decided against it should he have to go through the back-breaking stress of having to pick it up again.
Rover nodded, letting his eyes flutter as he stanced himself. "Oh, it's all about survival. You gotta start from the bottom and work your way up. We're gonna live on the streets. Build up some funds. Then we can start thinking about bigger and better things."
"I see a big cobblestone road and four houses!" Kiev spat.
"We gotta get some money, first," Rover spoke cooly. "I doubt your savings can carry us as long-"
"WHAT?!"
"..uh... OUR savings. Right. What did I say..." Rover cleared his throat. "Anyways, I've got some nonessentials I can sell. How about you? We can do a little street selling, if you know what I mean."
"Isn't that illegal?" Kiev tilted his head.
"Hey, this is a little hamlet! Do you think anyone'll care?"
--------
The police dog sat at his desk, his elbows resting as he twiddled his thumbs. He glanced between Kiev and Rover, hunched into tiny chairs and staring at him like ghosts. His stare dug into both of them like a knife. "I hope you two have something to say for yourselves."
"It was his idea." Kiev and Rover chorused, pointing at each other.
"I don't know who the hell either of you are..." the officer's voice suddenly raised in pitch, making both culprits jump. "...but you're going to respect the law in this neck of the woods, just like anywhere else! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLE-" he paused as his voice squeaked out. "...do I make myself clear..."
Both Kiev and Rover nodded furiously.
The officer buried his head in his one hand, stretching his other out. "...man.. I've NEVER been good at this serious punishment thing... you two... go away and stuff..."
Kiev and Rover both departed their chairs, leaving the single-room police station and stepping out into the cool night air. By now, the once field of beacons was now completely dark, save for the cramped office they had just left. They both stepped forward, heading off in no particular direction at all.
"What's your next brilliant idea? I'm dying to hear." Kiev chimed.
"Okay, okay... just listen. Maybe I was a little out there... maybe there's... a hotel? Or... even low-cost housing?"
"Low cost housing?! I started my day by leaping on that train hoping I could rent a decent little house, or at least a fairly large apartment block, and I'm going to wind up in low cost housing?!?" The words seemed to echo like a death sentence in Kiev's ears. Low cost housing. Low cost housing. Well, they were, as a matter of fact, actually resonating. The voice in the night found its way deep within the bushes, where a wild animal's ears perked. With a sniffle, it slowly, quietly navigated the bushes, attempting to find the source of the discussion.
"LOW COST HOUSING!" Kiev stamped his feet.
"Well, what's YOUR bright idea? Huh?" Rover leant dangerously close to Kiev.
The figure's eyes narrowed. It began to move, from a crawl to a walk, from a walk to a run, from a run to a windsprint. Its prey was finally in sight. Soon, they too would be assimilated. It zeroed in on the bickering human and cat, its toothy grin widening in anticipation as it homed in on its target.
Kiev suddenly paused, leaving Rover to try to slow his own verbal barrage down. "...do you hear something?"
"...I don't like the feeling..."
With a mighty roar, a pair of bright eyes lanced out of the darkness, moments before the beast leapt from the bushes, ready to attack his two victims in one fell swoop.
"HELLOOOOOOOOO!" a raccoon leapt out of the bush, flailing his limbs.
"GIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Kiev and Rover turned white, turning to sprint away - instead plowing into each other, sending them sprawling across the road with a painful thud.
The raccoon froze in place with his arms in the air, watching in confusion as the two bodies writhed on the ground trying to right themselves. He reached up, taking off his glasses-and-moustache. "...um... hello?"
Both Kiev and Rover turned towards the attacker, beet red. In a flash they were back on their feet, already advancing on him with fists raised. Rover paused as he examined him, managing to hold back Kiev as he vented. "You leap out of the bushes like a banshee to say HELLO?! You FREAK!!"
"...you should see the looks on most peoples' faces when I do that... even if I've done it to them a million times before. It's always worth the effort."
Rover was nearly drug away by Kiev. "...you really look familiar. Are you related to Tom Nook? He's the manager of the Nook 'n Go in my hometo-"
"I AM Tom Nook." Nook suddenly blurted monotonously. "I'm the manager of Helle's local Nookway and head of the tourism department of Helle. How can I possibly help you? Asides from your low-cost housing situation?"
"...ri-ight..." Rover blinked.
"You were listening...?" Kiev now looked as confused as Rover.
"I'm the problem solver of Helle, so to speak." Nook exerted a particularly dull laugh. "It would seem to interest you that I own a small portion of real estate in our little town of Helle. You insist you need a place to stay?... well, as a matter of fact, I am currently trying to sell a house for the low, low price of 10,000 bells!"
Kiev attempted to ignore his perpetrator's extremely artificial tone. "...um.. well, see, we're not really interested in BUYING a house in Helle, as per say... we're more interested in renting one out for the time being... for the right pri-"
"No can do!" Nook suddenly chorused. "This house is for sale! Or lease! No rent!"
Rover shrugged. "Hey, we'll buy i-" he was instantly throttled as Kiev drug him into the bush. Shoving him up against a tree, Kiev moved in closer. "...what's... the big deal?!"
Kiev grimaced. "Are you KIDDING?! I only have 11,000 bells here to work with! I can't just BUY a house that I'm not going to be using once I'm OUT of Helle! You do NOT survive in the the CITY with 1000 BELLS!"
"Are you leaving Helle?" Nook peered right over Kiev's shoulder. Kiev in response dropped his grip on Rover, letting out a shriek as he hopped back.
"Will you GIVE us a little privacy?!" Kiev refitted his hat. "...no, we're not permanent residents of Helle. First train that comes by, we're movin' out!"
Nook frowned. "I'm afraid that might not be possible."
Kiev facefaulted. "What do you MEAN it isn't possible?! We wait for the train, steal a ride and get the hell out of here! What's there not to understand?!"
"Well, according to the newswire, just yesterday there was supposedly a train hijack, one that was headed to pass Helle. One of the attendants was held hostage, and though the attacker was thrown off the train, all lines in this region of Anima are being shut down until a proper investigation can be conducted as to the means of attack, motive of attack, possible affiliations of the subject with any major hijacking groups, et cetera."
"HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!" Kiev screamed.
"...ah, actual forensic investigations should begin sometime in the next month, I believe."
"...THIS IS TOO CRUEL!!" Kiev spun around, winding up as he slammed his fist into the trunk of the tree behind him. "NOW what do I do?!"
Rover tugged nervously at his collar. "With all due respect, I have places to go, too. But we're not going to get anywhere at this rate. Maybe we should just... settle down in Helle for a while until things clear up. You know? As soon as we get a ticket out of Helle, we'll just pawn the house."
Nook shook his head. Rover stared on in shock. "...wha?"
"You know how long I've waited to get someone into this house?" Nook frowned. "I can't guarantee I'll still have all the money you've given me, should you decide to. I've got a store to take care of, debts to pay... that house is my lifeline right now, the profits I obtain from it. If you were to sell it, you'd need to sell it to someone else - there's no guarantee I'd ever have that sum of money back necessary to rebuy it."
"That's a chance we'll have to take." Rover sighed. "Kiev? You 'kay with that?"
"...I don't even care anymore." Kiev waved lifelessly as he remained leaning against the large pine.
--------
Deals were made, money changed hands, and soon Kiev and Rover obtained full ownership sans utilities of a small, relatively well-maintained shack at the far side of the field, sitting at the foot of a cliff. The house, or the 'slum of Helle', as Kiev lovingly and repeatingly referred to it, quickly filled up with both of their belongings. No appliances. Food would have to wait for another day. In the second of two rooms in the house, a very bland living room-ish arrange with a large pane glass window facing the bland cliff (the only one in the house, of course), Rover set up his luxurious sleeping bag while Kiev sat poised on an inch-thick foam mattress.
"So," Rover sighed. "Any big plans for tomorrow?"
"You?" Kiev wheezed back.
"...I think I'm going to die here."
"Thank you, Captain Obvious."
"...might as well make ourselves aquainted with the populace."
"...over my dead body."
"...good night."
"...fuck you."
Thus the stars shone brightly, showing absolutely no pretense whatsoever to the literal purgatory Kiev and Rover would eventually head through on their passive adventure to their destinations.
Good night, everybody.
"..."
"I figured I shouldn'tve left my cell phone at home."
"Shut up already..."
--------
Chapter 2: Whipping Boys
In which our heroes become aquainted with Helle's senile populace, Rover learns the secrets of Nook's success, Kiev learns the true value of hard work, many air mattresses meet their death, Anima's mass transit undergoes budget revamping and much environmental destruction goes unchecked.
---------
Ultimanium
Comments? Queries? Death threats?
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