OK, just as a note, this is hypothetically AFTER the fairie tales themselves have occurred. And it's in play format because I like it that way. So, yes, it has stage directions, but, even if you can't understand it, it doesn't matter. Just go with it. Oh, and please review. Merci!
After "Happily Ever After"
(Curtain is down. SNOW WHITE and PRINCE CHARMING walk onstage from L in front of the curtain. They are at a psychiatrist's/marriage counselor's office, in the waiting room. They are also in the middle of an argument.)
SNOW WHITE
Yes, Charming, dearest, this is essential.
PRINCE CHARMING (CHARMING)
But why, Snowy-Girl?
SNOW WHITE
For one thing, that. Could you please not call me that?
CHARMING
But it's so you!
SNOW WHITE
Dear, I just –
(The secretary GOLDILOCKS enters from R.)
GOLDILOCKS
Excuse me, but Doctor Grimm will see you now, Mrs. Charming. Go right in.
SNOW WHITE
Thank you.
(SNOW WHITE leaves at R. GOLDILOCKS walks in front of CHARMING to get to the other side of the stage. He smacks her rear end as she passes. She flashes him a smile and leaves L with another "come-hither" smile and pointed look in his direction. He follows her offstage.)
(Curtain rise. SNOW WHITE lies on the couch. DR. GRIMM sits in the chair to the left.)
DR. GRIMM
Now, Mrs. Charming –
SNOW WHITE
Please, call me Snow White.
DR. GRIMM
Alright, Snow White. Now, my brother, the late Dr. Grimm, referred you to me. I'm just going to ask a few routine questions to get the feel for you. First off, your childhood. Were your parents ever abusive?
SNOW WHITE
My real parents never were, but my Step-Mom, she hated me from the start. Tell the truth, I didn't much care for her either. She was always going about, mumbling things like "Hocus Pocus" and "Shazam!" whenever she saw me. I should've guessed she was a witch when she yelled out, "Allakazam!" and this servant behind me was just gone. All that was left was a toad, and Step-Mom stormed off, cursing a blue streak.
DR. GRIMM
Did your father know about this?
SNOW WHITE
He did. I heard them arguing once about me, and Step-Mom yelled that he should leave if he was unhappy. She wanted his property and money with a divorce, but he refused. Said it was against his morals to divorce, so they continued together until he died.
DR. GRIMM
What about you? Do you believe in divorce?
SNOW WHITE
I can't imagine my husband doing much to make me want to divorce him. Marriage is a sacred vow that shouldn't be broken.
DR. GRIMM
I see. Alright, back to your childhood. Did you ever feel…abandoned?
SNOW WHITE
(Sarcastic laugh)
Did you neglect to read my file?
DR. GRIMM
I prefer to hear the story particulars straight from my patients before diluting it with another Doctor's mumbo-jumbo. I do, however, know the overview of your tale, Snow White, so you needn't go into it.
SNOW WHITE
I didn't feel abandoned; I was abandoned! After Daddy died, Step-Mom completely lost it and sent a huntsman to kill me in the woods. Thankfully, the kind soul couldn't, and I ran off.
DR. GRIMM
And that's when you found these "little men"?
SNOW WHITE
Cutest little guys I've ever seen! Seven of everything in that little house, so adorable. They were like grown-up little kids. They were my cute, little dudes!
DR. GRIMM
Snow White, you seem to have a certain…affinity for these dwarves.
SNOW WHITE
I guess so. I mean, they're, like, my best friends. Anyway, after the whole Step-Mom thing was done with and I was "resurrected", so to speak, I met Prince Charming.
DR. GRIMM
Your husband.
SNOW WHITE
(Sarcastic)
Oh, yes, my ever-so-wonderful husband.
DR. GRIMM
Which is what brings the two of you to me.
SNOW WHITE
Yeah. This past year, our marriage has been…well…he's been…different. Like he's got two sides or something. He'll be the perfect gentleman to me one minute and then start… leering at a serving-maid when he thinks I'm not watching. He'll be out weeks on end and only talk of "slaying dragons" or some quest or other as an explanation.
DR. GRIMM
And where do you suppose he goes?
SNOW WHITE
(Uncomfortable)
I'd rather not think about that.
DR. GRIMM
I really think we ought to talk about it, Snow White. What do you suspect?
SNOW WHITE
…Nothing that any wife doesn't suspect at one point or another in her marriage.
DR. GRIMM
Which is…?
SNOW WHITE
That Charming is seeing another woman.
DR. GRIMM
What makes you think this?
SNOW WHITE
Well, I was cleaning a couple of months ago while he was away and found a pair of fancy dancing slippers in the closet. They weren't mine – too small and dainty. And I would never wear glass slippers! Then, later on, he came back from one of his quests and seemed mad at something. Or someone. He kept going on about midnight and balls and dancing shoes. I asked him about it, and he told me I was imagining things.
DR. GRIMM
(Non-committal)
Hmm…
SNOW WHITE
I mean, maybe I am just being paranoid. Maybe he bought the shoes for me and then saw they were too small. Maybe this is all just a big misunderstanding. What do you think?
DR. GRIMM
I wouldn't jump to any rash conclusions that could ultimately ruin your marriage. Do you see any other signs?
SNOW WHITE
(Thinks for a moment)
Nothing else comes to mind.
DR. GRIMM
Alright, Snow White, this session has been quite productive, but I would like to speak to the both of you together, if I could.
(DR. GRIMM gets CHARMING from offstage L. CHARMING enters, swaggering. He sits on the chair just vacated by DR. GRIMM.)
DR. GRIMM
Hello, Prince Charming. I'm Dr. Grimm. (Shakes hands with CHARMING and suddenly scrutinizes him) Sorry, but have we met before? I swear I know you.
CHARMING
No, Doc. Positive.
DR. GRIMM
Do you perhaps have a brother?
CHARMING
Oh…no.
DR. GRIMM
Strange. I could have sworn… (Shrugs and sits in the other chair) Anyway, I understand you two have been having troubles with marriage. When did it start?
SNOW WHITE
Well, our first argument was about two months after the wedding, when Charming was insensitive enough to actually offer me an apple! He knows I hate apples, ever since the last incident with one.
CHARMING
I still maintain it was a slip of the tongue.
SNOW WHITE
I doubt it…
CHARMING
You're not so perfect yourself, Snowy-Girl.
SNOW WHITE
Don't
call me that!CHARMING
(Ignoring her)
You always want to be doing something and can't just sit around. You're royalty and my wife, which means you cannot go into the kitchens and help the servants!
SNOW WHITE
What else is there to do? Lie about and get fat?
CHARMING
You are nobility, not a commoner!
SNOW WHITE
I was raised to be a servant, not nobility! Please, dear, can't you understand where I'm coming from?
DR. GRIMM
OK, OK. Snow White, Prince Charming. Please, settle down. Now, when was your last altercation?
CHARMING AND SNOW WHITE
Yesterday.
SNOW WHITE
He complained that I'd been spending too much time with my friends –
CHARMING
Dwarves!
SNOW WHITE
– so I told him –
CHARMING
Demanded!
SNOW WHITE
that I never complained about his "outings" –CHARMING
Quests.
SNOW WHITE
– and he shouldn't complain about me visiting friends. And he really shouldn't try to stop me. Do you know what he did? Stole the clothes I was making for the dwarves! And I can't find them anywhere!
CHARMING
You must have simply misplaced them. And I have a right to be angry! You're there practically every day!
SNOW WHITE
Well, I'm sorry if that's the only place I'm happy now.
CHARMING
Why you little –
DR. GRIMM
Snow White, why do you only feel happy there?
SNOW WHITE
Well, they…it's not…they never try to oppress me.
DR. GRIMM
Do you feel that Prince Charming oppresses you?
SNOW WHITE
(Slowly, uncertainly)
Sometimes, it feels that way.
CHARMING
What?! I never –
DR. GRIMM
(Cutting in)
How so, Snow White?
SNOW WHITE
(Finally exploding)
He never lets me do anything! There's always a maid there, even to help me dress! I'm not allowed to cook, tidy up, work in the garden, nothing! I can't even draw my own bath! I know you just want me to languidly sit around, wistfully sighing at poetry composed about my smile! I will not be a trophy wife! Ever! (By now, she is standing and visibly restraining herself. She takes a deep breath and walks over to stand over CHARMING, who's very uncomfortable. The following is said through clenched teeth.) I. Will. Not. Be. Your. Trophy.
(SNOW WHITE storms out L. CHARMING follows her.)
CHARMING
Snowy-Girl, c'mon…
SNOW WHITE
(Off-stage, screaming)
Don't call me that!
(DR. GRIMM shrugs and goes over to his desk, sitting down. GOLDILOCKS enters L.)
GOLDILOCKS
Your next patient is here, doctor.
DR. GRIMM
Thank you, Goldilocks.
(CINDERELLA enters L as GOLDILOCKS exits. CINDERELLA is barefoot. She sits on the couch, completely at ease, as if she is accustomed to this.)
DR. GRIMM
Welcome back, Cinderella.
CINDERELLA
No prob, Doc. Tell the truth, I'm feeling tons better.
DR. GRIMM
Have you attempted to wear shoes once more yet?
CINDERELLA
(Lifts up a foot, wiggling her toes)
Sorta. Tried flip-flops, but even those were too constricting.
DR. GRIMM
It's a good beginning. How about your husband? Is your relationship improving?
CINDERELLA
(Shrugs)
He still says I shouldn't help the servants, but I was a servant, so I can relate, you know? But he's all like, "No wife of mine will labor like a servant. You're nobility, not a commoner." Ugh!
DR. GRIMM
Hm…
CINDERELLA
And I just know he's cheating on me! Once, a few weeks ago, he comes back from one of his so-called "quests" muttering about some wench and apples. But when I asked him about it, he said it was "dappled wrenches" and then ran off again. Honestly, how dumb does he think I am?
DR. GRIMM
(Startled)
Apples?
CINDERELLA
(Short laugh)
Yeah! How random is that?
DR GRIMM
(Distracted)
Yes, very random…
CINDERELLA
And that annoying nickname! I mean, who can turn "Cinderella" into something as childish as "Cindy-Girl"?
DR. GRIMM
(Startled)
"Cindy-Girl"?
CINDERELLA
Yeah. Isn't that, like, the worst nickname you've ever heard?
DR. GRIMM
I can think of one just as bad…
CINDERELLA
And I've been finding some weird stuff as well. Like, there're seven sets of really small clothing stuffed in the back of a closet. I asked him, and he said that he was just setting a friend straight and then went away again for another adventure. (Pause, considering) You know, I think I'm seeing a pattern here with Charming…
(DR. GRIMM suddenly stands from his chair and strides over to his desk. He rifles around the top two files and looks for a few seconds at each before looking up again.)
DR. GRIMM
I'll be damned…
CINDERELLA
(Standing but staying in front of the couch)
What's the matter, Doc?
(DR. GRIMM hastily closes the files and returns to his chair.)
DR. GRIMM
Nothing at all, Cinderella. Just some notes on a couple previous patients. Now, tell me what your stepmother and stepsisters are up to…
(Lights dim.)
(Lights come up on DR. GRIMM, standing behind the couch, speaking to SNOW WHITE and CHARMING, the latter two sitting in the chairs as far away from each other as they can reasonably get. However, they are not on far R or L, still in the lights.)
DR. GRIMM
…Now, I have reviewed both of your files and feel that the two of you (Looks pointedly at CHARMING) have secrets to share. I think you should.
(Both SNOW WHITE and CHARMING remain silent, glaring at the other, arms crossed.)
DR. GRIMM
(Sighing)
OK… Allow me, then. Snow White, Charming, both of you believe that the other has been having, and quite possibly is having this moment, extra-marital affairs.
CHARMING AND SNOW WHITE
What?!
SNOW WHITE
Wherever did you get that idea? I have been nothing but faithful to you!
CHARMING
And what about the dwarves?
SNOW WHITE
Can you comprehend the word "platonic"? As in, what you and I are soon to be if this nonsense keeps up.
CHARMING
(Laughs)
Oh, Snowy, you keep threatening, but you'll never go through with it.
DR. GRIMM
She's threatened this before?
CHARMING
A few times, but she'll never leave me. After all, who can blame her? I mean, look at me! (Flexes muscles)
SNOW WHITE
You're so immature, Charming.
CHARMING
Hey, I'm not the one pansying around with seven runts, you wench!
DR. GRIMM
Now, now. Name-calling solves nothing. Prince Charming, I believe Snow White tells the truth. (Speaks over CHARMING's protests.) However, you have a secret to tell. I was speaking to one of my patients yesterday, and she accidentally revealed some… interesting…facts about you, Charming.
SNOW WHITE
Who?
DR. GRIMM
(Casually)
Oh, your husband's other wife.
SNOW WHITE
What
?!CHARMING
(Sputtering)
I'm not going to take this insult! (Stands.) Anyway, on a completely different subject, it is fair past time for me to go slay the nefarious dragon and save the maidens fair! (Strikes a heroic pose.)
DR. GRIMM
(Muttering)
I think you've done quite enough of that already. (To SNOW WHITE) May I present Cinderella Charming.
CHARMING
I'm leaving.
(CINDERELLA is walking down the aisle of the theatre while speaking.)
CINDERELLA
Not so fast, dear… You've got quite a lot of explaining to do…
CHARMING
Oh, God…
(CINDERELLA reaches the stage. She puts a hand on each of CHARMING's shoulders, pushing him back onto his seat. CHARMING eyes the "door" at L throughout the following conversation.)
DR. GRIMM
Mrs. Cinderella Charming, meet Mrs. Snow White Charming.
CINDERELLA
(Shaking hands with SNOW WHITE)
Charmed, so to speak. My (short, soft, sarcastic laugh) our husband hasn't said much about you.
(CINDERELLA sits on the couch.)
SNOW WHITE
(Sarcastic)
Imagine that. (To CHARMING) Of all the faults you already have, did you have to add "polygamist"?
CINDERELLA
Why don't you explain yourself, Charming.
CHARMING
(Helpless)
What? You two were so fair, I just couldn't help it! I wanted both of you to myself. Like Father always said: "If you want it, take it." And I wanted both of you! My father's wives didn't care, so why do you?
CINDERELLA
(Falsely sweet)
Did they know about each other?
CHARMING
Well, not really. Father was quite tricky when he wanted to be. He had seven wives, and, to his dying day, none knew about each other.
DR. GRIMM
They never knew about each other? Ever?
CHARMING
Until the funeral. When the funeral home director asked for the widow, and seven women stepped forward… Well, it was certainly a memorable funeral.
CINDERELLA
What'd they think?
CHARMING
Um…not many grieving widows after that. But that's beside the point! C'mon, be reasonable, Cindy-Girl, Snowy-Girl…
CINDERELLA AND SNOW WHITE
Don't call me that!!!
(Silence. CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE look strangely at each other before bursting out laughing.)
CHARMING
Hmph. I can tell when I'm not wanted. I have a quest to fulfill. (Strikes another heroic pose) For a valiant prince's work will never be completed until he rids his lands of all the evil and saves all the beautiful, innocent roses of maidenhood.
(CHARMING leaves at L.)
CINDERELLA
Yeah, he was talking about more affairs.
SNOW WHITE
(Shocked)
Oh, God…
DR. GRIMM
Well, I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you will find more than one thing in common.
(DR. GRIMM leaves at L.)
SNOW WHITE
(Uncertain)
So, um…I guess this must've been a shock for you as well.
CINDERELLA
Nah, I've actually known for some time now.
SNOW WHITE
(Astonished)
And did nothing?
CINDERELLA
Sure, funnier that way. 'Specially when it blows up in his face. I mean, did ya' see him? So worth it!
SNOW WHITE
How did you find out?
CINDERELLA
All the quests he'd go on. Then, he'd talk 'bout some random wenches sometimes when he came home, and some strange things've appeared in the castle. Like a set of clothing for some kids.
SNOW WHITE
That's
where he took the dwarves' clothes!CINDERELLA
Yup. Dwarves, huh? Oh, then, Doc Grimm explained the rest t'me when he figured it out.
SNOW WHITE
Well, that explains the shoes. But glass slippers? Really?
CINDERELLA
Lemme tell ya', Snow White, it hurts to run in those things and then break a heel offa one a' those.
(BOTH wince.)
SNOW WHITE
Anyway, what do we do about Charming?
CINDERELLA
Divorce him.
(SNOW WHITE looks flabbergasted.)
CINDERELLA
We'd be so much better off without him. I mean, look where he's gotten us now. (Arm sweep to encompass entire office)
SNOW WHITE
But – but – no princess has ever before divorced the prince who saved her!
CINDERELLA
Until now.
SNOW WHITE
But divorce is out of the question! My father didn't leave Step-Mom when he found out she hated me! A princess can't just casually throw away her "Happily Ever After"!
CINDERELLA
And it's a new era, Snow White. We can do what we want. I'm going to divorce him. I'm gonna make my own "Happily Ever After"!
SNOW WHITE
I don't know what to do.
CINDERELLA
You could come with me. I'm gonna go about the countryside, tell other women how to stand up for themselves, not wait for their so-called "Prince Charming".
SNOW WHITE
I just don't know… I mean, Charming isn't that bad…
CINDERELLA
(Snorts)
Sure, 'course you believe that. Listen, you decide which view you hold: the old or the new. But don't decide 'cause of some old, male-dominated views instead of what you really believe.
SNOW WHITE
(Pause)
I'll have to think it through, Cinderella.
CINDERELLA
As long as you're happy, I suppose. But think carefully. (Looks at a watch) Well, I'd better be off. Gotta get home before midnight, you know. It was great talking to you, Snow White.
(CINDERELLA stands to leave at L.)
SNOW WHITE
(Suddenly)
Can you be there next session when I make my choice?
CINDERELLA
Sure thing.
SNOW WHITE
Thanks, I'll see you then. (CINDERELLA leaves at L.) Well, I guess this is it. (Stands and paces around the stage at random) Stay or leave? Such simple questions, yet I'm still so confused. It's strange. It's true that I've been comparing this marriage to Dad and Step-Mom's, but are we really that similar? Am I really so much like everybody else that I can't break away? Is Cinderella right? Can I really leave my own Prince Charming? (Sighs) But I still love Charming, right? I mean, I can forgive him if he promises faithfulness, right? (Stands at DC, staring out across the audience) So, what shall I do?
(Lights dim.)
(Lights come up on SNOW WHITE and CHARMING sitting side-by-side on the couch. CHARMING is holding SNOW WHITE's hand. It's obvious this has been going on for quite a while.)
CHARMING
(Almost desperate)
…and your eyes are like limpid pools of water, your hair glossy and beautiful as a black swan in flight, your lips and cheeks cause the fair goddesses to cry in envy, your skin radiant enough to light up every dark corner, and your grace is like a fawn leaping through the glade, and…
SNOW WHITE
Really, Charming, I –
CHARMING
My love for you is so fiery that it can only be compared to…to…uh…to…
SNOW WHITE
Fire?
CHARMING
Yes, darling, exactly! You understand perfectly!
SNOW WHITE
You said the exact same thing to me on the way over here.
CHARMING
Oh. Well, I meant it then, and I mean it even more now. Every time I see you, it's like I fall in love all over again. I swear, I was always planning on telling you about Cindy, but every time your beatific countenance shone on me, I couldn't because I never wanted to see you cry. If you come back home with me, I promise to never even look at another woman again, let alone marry one. You are all a man could ever want. I love you, and I promise never to be a polygamist ever again. (Kisses her cheek)
(SNOW WHITE opens her mouth to respond, but DR. GRIMM and CINDERELLA come in at L, interrupting her. CINDERELLA and DR. GRIMM take the chairs. There is uncomfortable silence for a few moments as EVERYBODY looks at each other.)
DR. GRIMM
Well, Snow White, have you decided?
SNOW WHITE
I believe so. As much as I like you, Cinderella, I don't think I can divorce Charming. People make mistakes. I'll just forgive and let him have another chance. (CHARMING is elated, but CINDERELLA remains silent, a sly smile on her lips.) However, (rounds on CHARMING) I'm far from forgetting this. If I find you ever have another affair, especially if it ends in marriage, you will be out of my life faster than you can say, "Mirror, mirror".
CHARMING
Absolutely, Snowy-Girl.
SNOW WHITE
And don't call me that!
CHARMING
Sure, sure, whatever you say.
DR. GRIMM
Well, Snow White, if that it your wish…
CINDERELLA
Just one thing, Snow White… (Pause) Have you ever met the secretary here, Goldilocks?
(CHARMING stands up and looks around for a place to hide but, finding none, looks stricken. GOLDILOCKS enters L.)
GOLDILOCKS
(to CHARMING, ignoring all the others)
Hey, handsome! She divorce you yet; are you permanently mine now?
(CHARMING sinks back into his seat)
SNOW WHITE
(Standing, backs away from CHARMING)
You…you…her…what?!
CINDERELLA
I saw her getting outta his carriage when I came last time for my session. Figured you'd want to know.
SNOW WHITE
Well, now I've decided. (Stands above CHARMING and slaps him soundly across the face. Walks to CINDERELLA, who stands up, and hugs her enthusiastically.) Thank you, Cinderella. Well, where shall we start liberating women?
CINDERELLA
Let's start with Gretel, from Hansel and Gretel… Prob'ly Jill, from Jack and Jill, too.
SNOW WHITE
(Leaving at L with them)
How 'bout this one? (Snags GOLDILOCKS by the arm and drags her with them.)
CINDERELLA
Absolutely…
(SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA drag GOLDILOCKS out L.)
CHARMING
Hmm… Two wives and a girlfriend lost in three seconds. Not too shabby. (Turns to leave at L. Stops and looks back at DR. GRIMM.) Say, Doc, do you know if any, though preferably all, of the Twelve Dancing Princesses are available…?
(DR. GRIMM shrugs. CHARMING leaves at L. DR. GRIMM checks his schedule on his desk when he looks over to where his "door" is at L. Lights slowly dim as he speaks.)
DR. GRIMM
Ah, yes, welcome back, Mr. Wolf. No, nobody's following you. Yes, I promise. No, I won't turn you in to the Three Little Pigs' relatives or anyone else. No, Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother isn't hiding in here with the woodsman. Nobody is tapping your phone. Have you been taking you medication? No, don't be so paranoid…