Doug Witter
How can he see right through me? What is it that gives it all away? I've always managed to keep a lid on my feelings, never acted on them, never done anything that should give it away. I mean, he's what? a teenager, and he just gets it! And I've never got it myself. And it's me we're talking about. Me! I should be the one that understands the situation, the one that understands me. My God, I'm the grown-up. And he's just a kid, for crying out loud. But somehow ... somehow he just sees right through me – to the core of me.
And I hate him for it.
Because he doesn't back off. Every chance he gets, he uses to tease me about it. My taste in music, my taste in movies, the way I dress. Why doesn't he stop it? Why? What is it that makes him go on and on about it? And not just to myself, to his pals, to his teacher.
Still, not to our parents, come to think of it. Never to them!
How come?
How come he's never tried to make our dad realize what it is he's so certain of himself?
I wish I could ask him, speak to him about it, find out. How he knows? And why he doesn't tell our dad?
But I can't. Because that would mean admitting he's right. And I can't.
And I hate myself for it.
Pacey Witter
I love teasing my brother. It's just too easy. He's so self-conscious about his situation. I don't mean him being gay – and I don't mean that I'm a hundred per cent sure he is gay, although, if he asks, of course, I am – no, I mean just his role and function in society. Deputy Doug! Perfect son of Sheriff Witter. Not to be criticized or ridiculed at any cost.
I don't know whether he's gay or not. I wish I could just have a real conversation with him about it, you know, just ask him, calmly. Get him to talk. But I know it's impossible. He'd never agree to that conversation.
But something's bugging him. That's for sure! You don't get all that defensive and uptight without there being a reason.
Sure, he's had some girlfriends since I can remember, but I don't know, there's always been something off about the whole thing. It's like, he's too polite, if you catch my drift? Like, he treats them too well. Not that I think he should be mean to them, but ... I don't know ... not like they're goddesses. That's it, he's too smooth, for someone who's not a player. You just know there's something hiding underneath.
And when you look at his CD collection. It doesn't actually shout out STRAIGHT, does it!
The worst thing is, I KNOW he's unhappy. And there's nothing I can do about it! Not a damn thing!
So I tease him.
Doug Witter
I've always known.
When I was a kid, I used to ask myself, 'Why me?' all the time.
Okay, I still ask myself that question. Life would be so much easier if I was straight. If I was straight I might manage to keep a girlfriend. There's always something that goes wrong. I guess they kind of feel that I'm not that interested. It's always them who break it off.
But I've never done anything about it.
I say I've always known. I mean, even before I remember having a crush on anyone, I still knew.
Weird, ay?
The first boy I 'saw' was a new guy who started in our class a bit later when I was six or seven. I remember feeling like I wanted him to be my friend so bad. So, of course, I couldn't approach him and just stood by as the other boys befriended him. In the end, it was him who started talking to me. At first I didn't know what to say. He must have thought I was deaf and dumb. But thank God I finally managed to speak and joined the others.
There have been many since, but never have I acted on my feelings.
I almost did once.
It was in my senior year in high school. He was a junior who I knew through my girlfriend at the time. Actually, she'd just broken up with me. He was her best friend so I rang him to ask why she'd done it, and he asked me to meet him in a café. I agreed and we met up.
Guess it kind of was a date.
He told me that she felt that things were a bit off with me. And then he added that he thought he knew why.
I fell into the trap and asked the question.
'Because you're gay, dude!' was his reply.
I didn't know what to say. Didn't even think to deny it. Just sat there, so scared, and didn't say anything.
And then he asked whether I wanted to go on a real date.
I so wanted to say 'yes'.
I didn't.