"Rory! I need your help. River is really angry with me this time."
"Hello Doctor, what happened to you," asked Rory "and where's River?"
"She's in the TARDIS trying to wash the egg out of her hair."
"Why is there egg in her hair?"
"Because they flew out of my hands when I slipped in the soda."
"And why did you slip in soda?"
"Because I tripped on my scarf."
"What scarf? I didn't know you had a scarf?"
"It was my fourth's scarf."
"You have four scarves?"
"No, my fourth incarnation's scarf. It's about 16 feet long and multicolored. It was a fashion statement."
"So, why were you wearing this scarf?"
"I've been going through a nostalgic phase."
"Okay. So, why did you trip on your scarf ?"
"Because I was trying to catch my boa constrictor."
"What boa constrictor?"
"My pet boa constrictor that got loose in the super market."
"How did your pet boa get loose in a supermarket?"
"When my scarf got caught in the TARDIS door it was left ajar, so she followed it out."
"Wait a minute, why was the boa following you?'
"She wasn't following me, she was following the scarf."
"Why was she following the scarf?"
"Because she's got a crush on it."
"So she was following the scarf because she wanted to crush it?'
"No, she has a crush on it. Pay attention, Rory."
"Okay. Let me see if I got this straight. So you have a pet boa, that I have never seen or heard of before, who's in love with your scarf and followed you into a supermarket and River is mad at you because you got eggs in her hair when they flew out of your hands when you slipped in some soda."
"Precisely, Rory."
"I think I'm missing something."
"Your missing several somethings actually."
"Yeah, I figured as much. So why don't you start at the beginning and explain everything to me. What happened after your boa followed your scarf into the supermarket? And was this an alien supermarket or an earth one?"
"A bit of both actually. Wal-mart went intergalactic in the 28th century. Well, my boa was following my scarf around but she lost us in the men's clothing section when River made me try on some clothes. Told me I looked like an idiot walking around in the scarf."
"Especially with the bowtie."
"Bowties are cool."
"Sure, Doctor. Whatever you say. So what happened to the boa?"
"Well it started following these Geppins-"
"Wait, what are Geppins?"
"Mushroom people. With tentacles."
"Why was your boa following mushroom people?"
"They were wearing my scarf."
"The mushroom people stole you scarf?"
"No, they had scarves that looked like mine."
"Why did the mushroom people have scarves that looked like yours.?"
"Free knitting classes on Gepnax 4? I don't know. But my boa followed them to candy department where they had free samples of wiggly gigs."
"Wiggly gigs? What on earth are wiggly gigs?"
"They are like gummy worms and everyone was sampling them. Now to my poor boa they looked like baby snakes-"
"Let me guess, your boa tried to rescue the wiggly gigs."
"How did you know?"
Rory rolled his eyes "Its what you would do. So what happened next? Utter chaos, I bet."
"Indeed it was. There were fainting nuns, My boa underfoot attempting its daring rescue and the manager trying to get in touch with the pet department while River scaled the aisles."
"What nuns? And why was River scaling the aisle?"
"To get the Jammy Dodgers."
"The nuns were fainting for Jammy Dodgers? Was there some kind contest going on?"
"No, River was scaling the aisles to get the jammy dodgers. The nuns have nothing to do with anything."
"Then why did you mention them?"
"Because there were about five of them and they all fainted when my boa started grabbing wiggly gigs."
"So why was River trying to get Jammy Dodgers?"
"For our tea."
"You stopped to have tea in the middle of all this?"
"No, before. But we were out of Jammy Dodgers so we went to the supermarket to get more."
"And you pet boa, who had fallen in love with your scarf, followed you, lost you in the clothing department and followed some mushroom peoples who were wearing scarves like yours, mistook candy for baby snakes and scared some nuns into fainting trying to rescue them."
"Exactly, Rory."
"I suppose River was scaling the aisles to avoid the crowds panicking over your rampaging pet boa?"
"I dislike the term 'rampaging'. But yes."
"I suppose that makes a sort of weird sense. So what happened next?"
"Well, I was trying to catch my boa before it got trampled when this group of hooligans from the pet department showed up to catch it."
"And it turned into a race then, I guess?"
"Indeed, it did. A regular free for all and we all went tumbling all over each other trying to catch that snake. One tripped me with his net and I knocked a few of his friends into an aisle on the way down, causing a domino effect poor River had to jump clear of. Well, another one was standing on my scarf and when I rose he fell into a soda display, which crashed into an display of egg cartons causing all the eggs to go flying."
"And you caught some, tripped on your scarf and slipped on the spilled soda causing them go flying out of your hand and land on River."
"Yes and it broke yucky all over her hair."
"Uh huh. So what then?"
"She screamed and my boa spooked and knocked me into the perfume display."
"So that's why you smell that way. I was wondering about that. Go on."
"Well, River was mad. I mean psycho murderous sort of mad and threw an egg at me. But she missed and hit Jimmy."
"Jimmy? Whose the heck is Jimmy?"
"The manager. He had some sort of meltdown when my snake first appeared and was screaming into the wall speaker the whole time. When River hit him with an egg he threw two back at her. But he missed and hit the soda covered hooligan from the pet department who threw some at him and hit one of the nuns who had just woken up and she threw one at him, hitting a Geppin who threw about five and hit three more nuns, some lady and a Gorn who each threw one and hit River, two Geppins, some ten year old and knocked over a pudding display which caused a wave of surgery goop to shot out and coat everything in colored coded flavored glop."
"So why aren't you covered in egg?"
"I ducked. A lot. Besides I wasn't there."
"So where were you?"
"Well, I was loading water guns with perfume bottles and making paint bombs."
"Whatever for?
"For Team Jimmy, of course! I was designated Ammunition Maker."
"Team Jimmy? What's Team Jimmy?"
"We fought Team River."
"When did you get teams?"
"After we ran out of corn."
"Corn? I thought you were throwing eggs?"
"We were. But we ran out near the produce department and they had just gotten this big shipment of corn in so we started throwing that, plus some cabbage, tomatoes and anything else we could get our hands on. By this point, River was ready to kill me and about half the people there, so we retreated to the other side of the store."
"Where you started loading water guns with perfume bottles and making paint bombs, right?"
"Right! And they would have worked to."
"What do you mean 'would have'? Didn't you get to use them?"
"No. We were all ready to battle it out in the center of the store. Team Jimmy was in the men's department and Team River was in the women's when Jimmy's boss appeared out of nowhere and told us to all leave since it was after closing time."
"Well, you at least got your Jammy Dodgers right?"
"No. The boss wouldn't let us pay for anything after he made us clean up the mess and banned us from ever coming back." The Doctor explained, sadly "And the worst part of it was a man in the cereal aisle was laughing at us hysterically the whole time and I overheard him say that it would make a great children's book."
"Of course! I thought this sounded familiar. Tell me, Doctor, have you ever met a man named Steven Kellogg?"
"No, Why?"
"No reason. So what happened then?"
"Well, we got in the TARDIS and River went to clean herself off, issuing some very colorful threats against my person. Which is why I need you help."
"Yes, you did mention that at the beginning. But what do you need my help with?"
"Making her stop being mad at me! Come on, Rory. You're married, you must have some advice, some idea that could save my life!"
"Sorry, Doctor, you're on your own."
"But your daughter's going to kill me!"
"Doctor, I'd kill you after all that! Just be glad it's a trained psychopath whose after you and not Amy."
"Amy? How is Amy worse then River?"
"Just be grateful she wasn't angry at you anymore for faking your death by the time you came back."
"Why? What was she planing?"
"Lets just say it was a convoluted plot involving a lamppost, feathers and about fifty cans of silly string."
"Oh, dear. And I thought River's threat about the goldfish and clothes hangers was bad.
"All I can suggest is that you apologize. Quick!"
"But none of it was my fault!"
"Doctor, you're a married man now and that means everything is your fault! Apologize. And give her flowers."
"Alright fine. We can't finish our tea without Jammy Dodgers anyway." The Doctor huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. He jumped in his seat as a box of Jammy Dodgers dropped onto the table in front of him and looked up to see Amy smiling down at him.
He returned her grin and pulled the box towards him "Why, thank you, Amy."
"I just thought you deserved it after everything you went through." she shrugged and sat down beside her husband "As for River, she has no right to be mad at you."
"Really?"
"Yes. After all, she knew you were mentally unstable before she married you."
The Doctor shot her a frown "I resent that."
"And I agree totally."
The Doctor let out a terrified squeak and disappeared under the table as Amy and Rory turned to see River standing in the doorway with a towel on her head and her arms crossed, an alien gun dangling from her fingers.
"River, go easy on him." Rory urged her, rising to his feet with a placating gesture.
"And why should I do that, daddy dearest?" River demanded sweetly, staring at the table with murderous intent.
"Because he's been terrified of what you're going to do to him."
"I am not!" the Doctor protested loudly, pocking his head out "I'm just . . . overly cautious. And sporadically skittish. But I'm not scared!" with that he dove back under the table, taking the Jammy Dodgers with him.
"Says the man hiding under a table from his wife." Amy pointed out, amused.
"Well, he should be." River huffed, absent-mindedly twirling her gun "Scared, I mean. Not hiding under the table. Even seven-year-olds know that's a perfectly pathetic hiding spot."
"I'm not scared!"
"Your hiding under a table." Rory reminded him "My table, actually. Which, if River damages trying to get to you, you arereplacing."
The edge of the tablecloth lifted and the Doctor pocked his head out to glare at Rory "Your no fun." he muttered and disappeared again.
"Well,you have to admit, it is pretty funny." Amy remarked casually
"Oh, it always is when he does this." River chuckled, a sadistic gleam in her eyes "I usually have to drag him out by the ears."
"I think she meant what happened at the intergalactic Wal-Mart." Rory corrected her, seating back down.
"Not if you were there." River frowned
"Think about it this way, you two may have inspired a beloved children's book."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm pretty sure the man who was laughing was the one who illustrated the book The Day Jimmy's Boa ate the Wash."
"Why would a Boa eat someones washing?" asked the Doctor from under the table.
"Well, it all started because the cow was crying."
"Why was the cow crying?" the Doctor demanded in concern "Was it her wash the boa was eating?"
"No, a haystack fell on h-"
"Stop!" Amy exclaimed, throwing up her hands in protest "We're not going through all that again! Just suffice it to say the guy was probably Steven Kellogg."
"Then how come he was in the 28th century?" River asked
"And was was the cow crying?" the Doctor asked, still under the table
"Now that I don't know." Amy confessed "And if you want to know about the cow, I'm sure you can find it at a library somewhere."
"Hmm, so Doctor, what do you have to say about that?" asked River as the box of Jammy Dodgers came out from under the table with the Doctor slowly coming out behind it.
He shot to his feet with a manic grin and strode for the door "I'd say I'd better find my library card." He jerked to a halt as River suddenly appeared between him and the door, gun-barrel pressed into his chest.
"Anything else?" she demanded, a sickly-sweet smile on her face
"Sorry, River." he squeaked
"Good job." whispered Rory, releasing the breath he had been holding.
"Alright, let's go." said River turning and heading out the door "You promised to take me to Azkibaar, something about riding yellow dolphins through a purple sea. Oh, and by the way Doctor, for future reference I don't like flowers"
"Okay, how about Hot Chocolate on Durib III?" The Doctor asked, following her out the door "They've got these incredible stuffed doughnut things. But don't eat the blue ones, there full of live bugs . . . " his voice trailed off outside.
Amy and Rory shot each other a look "One. Two. Three . . ."
"Oh, I almost forget!" The Doctor exclaimed, throwing open the door "Amy, Rory, see you later and thanks for the help. And stop the counting. I'm not that predicable. I'm not predictable at all. I'm the opposite of predictable. I'm the unpredictable man! Oh, that's a rubbish title. Forget I said that. When I get back I'll take you two skiing. In space. So long, Ponds!"
Rory shot to his feet "Doctor, Wait! I have just one more question."
"Yes, Rory, what is it?"
"Well, whatever happened to the boa?"
"Uh, oh."