Still Frame by Innocence
I loved him. I always had, and I always will. But I loved him so much more before everything, before everything that we couldn't control.
I met Draco Malfoy before I could even talk but that first time is still so firmly burned in my memory. There he was, a tiny runt of a blonde boy, one small hand clutching Narcissa's skirt. As my mother and I approached, he glared at as firmly and moved in front of his mother. He was so gifted to be walking so well at such a young age.
I felt dwarfed; Malfoy Manor was practically a castle, while my house was only a mansion. I remember shrinking back into my mothers soft arms and turning my head from the little boys penetrating eyes. Even then he could get to me so easily.
Our mothers forced us into Draco's room, we were supposed to play nice and quiet. His room was so grown up, a big four poster bed draped with silk and velvet, dark bureaus, and walk in closet. There were no toys in sight.
He jumped onto his bed and stared down at me while I was standing on the floor sucking my thumb. His hair was combed back and wet with water so it was perfectly flat. His little black robes, pants, shirt, and shoes were immaculate.
I felt so alone, and eventually my eyes were swimming with tears. Why didn't he want to play with me? Why wasn't he down here with me? And I started to wail, and wail. My mommy didn't come, but he did.
He hopped down and tentatively rubbed my back, I quieted down and stared at him with my big watery blue eyes. He had blue eyes too, but they were so much prettier then mine. He pulled his little arm away from me and rummaged under his bed. He handed a little stuffed dragon to me and I held it close.
We didn't talk at all, we couldn't talk yet, but we didn't do that gurgle chortle thing that everyone says babies do. I guess we were so used to being told to hush at home that it didn't occur to us that we could giggle all we wanted, without reprimand.
Over time we saw each other more and more until he knew me like the back of his hand, and I knew only what he would let me know.
He knew me so well, sometimes I would ask him what I would do in a certain situation. He was always right. Every emotion I felt and every moment I had, he knew. In any other way you could take it as freaky but I loved it. And he loved the power he had over me, but not in a freaky male-dominatrix way. Manipulation was key. He always says that.
But I could never figure him out. His eyes were always so blank, calculating. And his face, it was like he had complete and utter control over his emotions and nervous system. Sometimes it wouldn't even register shock. I didn't know him and he was my best friend.
Of course I knew the superficial things. Like he wanted to be in Slytherin, and his favorite color was silver, loved quidditch, and looked up to his father. I knew the things people would ask you about a best friend, but I couldn't figure him out.
I didn't know his fears, understand why he refused to eat strawberry ice cream, had never seen him cry, and never saw him so furious as I would later on. But I liked our friendship, it was more then I had ever had. More then I would ever get. But it was like a booby trapped glass house.
On his eleventh birthday, someone set off one of the traps. His party was cancelled, and I didn't see him until we started school. He didn't seek me out, and I heard he was hanging around with Crabbe and Goyle. My jaw had dropped. Draco was practically a genius, why would he be with those buffoons?
That year was a disaster. We were both sorted into Slytherin, of course. But he never talked to me. He was constantly feuding with Potter and his fan club. Some nights I lay awake in my dormitory crying at the loss of my best friend. I wished he would come up and rub my back like he did that first meeting. His grades were good, but he let them go. If he really had wanted to, he could have slaughtered everyone academically, but he didn't.
Second year was the same, except one revelation happened that changed everything. I was crying for the third night in a row, and Millicent had gotten fed up.
'For Merlin's sake, we're too young for you to be crying over a guy. Tell whoever it is that you love him,' I could have sworn I heard her mutter 'slut', but I was too busy thinking.
Did I love Draco? It was too right in my mind. Like a Muggle romance, being in love with your best friend.
After that I went to every Slytherin game, watched him beat everyone that stood in his way. Everyone but Potter.
And it was after that losing a game that I heard him use it. He said 'Mudblood'. I almost cried, because I knew in that instant what had changed him.
For Draco's first eleven years of his life, his father had almost nothing to do with him. And Draco was so open to everything he said, because of that. Lucius Malfoy was a god in his son's eyes.
And he had finally gotten to him.
In third year we talked and got reunited, but it was a glass house. Don't step there, don't lean there, don't touch that. It couldn't be called a friendship.
In fourth year I lost my virginity to him. It was nothing special, it just happened. But it changed my life. I couldn't tell if it changed Draco. He was too unreadable. But I could tell it wasn't his first time. But it still changed my life, and the glass was a little thicker.
In fifth year, he passed every one of his O.W.L.'s. But his father owled him about his scores. I know because I read it, I wasn't supposed to but I did.
It was a terribly insulting letter. It wasn't blatantly abusive, but every Slytherin is cunning (unlike what everyone thinks) and can read between the lines somewhat. Draco hadn't beat Granger, but had come in a close second. Lucius had demanded more. But that was impossible, everyone knew Granger was a big ho, and slept with everyone of those teachers and judges. There was more about the Dark Lord, and his mother, and quidditch.
I didn't ask Draco about it, I didn't want to trip onto something that would send me back to second year. And I pondered it for the rest of my life, why Lucius said those things, how often he said them, and how Draco reacted.
Our entire relationship was completely built on what we used to have. What I was trying to recreate, and he didn't mind letting me try to do. He knew everything about me. I feared the insane asylum, I loved spring rain, I hated anything Draco hated. And he knew it. But he never used it to take advantage. But now I know him. He acts like he's tough, and he is, but things that don't scare normal people unnerve him. His fathers ideals have been imposed on him to the max, but he doesn't believe them. He hates Harry Potter with all his soul, and that's all there is to it. He won't let anyone get close to him because of all the false security that has fallen down around him over his life.
I love him, and its not why every other girl does. Sure, he has a beautiful body and hair and eyes, but it was everything that people didn't know that caught my heart in my throat. And he is my world and I could never leave him.
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down, this picture's frozen and I can't get out (of here)
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you
And every time I think I've finally made it
I learn I'm farther away than I've ever been before
I see the clock and it's ticking away, and the hourglass empty
What the fuck do I have to say
Keep it inside the image portrayed
As if I couldn't stand losing as if I couldn't be saved, no way
A small confession I think I'm starting to lose it
I think I'm drifting away from the people I really need
A small reflection on when we were younger
We had it all figured 'cause we had everything covered
Now we're older it's getting harder to see
What this future will hold for us, what the fuck are we going to be?
I'm afraid I'm falling farther away (from where I want to be)
~~~~~~*****~~~~~~
Ok, I wrote this in like 10 minutes. I just wanted to write, so dammit I wrote! Um, if you didn't notice, I never tell you who is doing the musing. Can you guess? I bet you can! So please review, and guess whose POV this is from.
I don't own Draco Malfoy or anyone else from HP – All belong to the goddess JKR.
The lyrics are from Trapt, the song Still Frame – so I don't own them either. (And the title is their song title)