Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
A/N: Poor Unohana always gets the short stick in these sorts of situations...or maybe it's really Kenpachi who gets the short stick in this one...:P
I'll try and write something with a better plot later on in the future, too...this one kinda came out bad...or maybe it just came out cliche, like so many other things I write...sigh...I need to practicing write a bit of angst at some point, although why read something depressing when you can read something that could make you laugh?
I decided to re-write this with the original plot I had in mind, since I was not too happy with how the fic went before...
The incredible amount of malice that filled Retsu Unohana's office that morning was undeniable. It made the paint peel off the walls and anyone with inadequate spiritual pressure would instantly collapse upon passing by the room. However, this plethora of deadly bloodlust was not radiating off of Unohana's person, or from her terribly hardheaded patient, the 11th Division captain and self-proclaimed 'Mr. Undefeatable', Kenpachi Zaraki.
It was coming from Yachiru Kusajishi. Even more surprising still was that this hatred was not aimed towards Unohana, but at the very man who had raised her since she was just a baby. Pink-colored reiatsu was practically pouring out of her very essence. The two older Shinigami tried to pay it no mind, but it was a rather difficult thing to ignore.
"Hana-chan...why do you always heal KEN-CHAN'S wounds first before mine?"
Even Unohana was slightly shocked by how venomously the tiny girl had spout her surrogate father's name. "W-Well, Yachiru...it's because Kenpachi suffers much more serious injuries than you do. If he comes in bleeding half to death, and you come in with a scrapped knee, I would have no choice but to attend to Kenpachi first..."
"Yeah, but," Yachiru's lips curled downwards into a pout, "But I'm gonna be your lover when I grow up...right, Hana-chan?"
Kenpachi slapped his palm to his face, while Unohana's face simply became as red as a tomato. Yachiru continued to pout in that cute little way of hers.
Still a bit shaken, Unohana leaned close to Kenpachi, and a dark shadow cast over her cheerful eyes as she hissed into his ear, "Kenpachi Zaraki...would you mind being so kind as to explain to me WHY Yachiru wishes to be my lover?" Although she spoke in a calm tone of voice, the emotion behind her words sent a shiver up the younger man's spine.
Kenpachi sighed. "It's been going on for a while now." he dryly explained, "Apparently, she's developed some sort of crush on you. You don't know how embarrassed I feel when she starts bragging about how you and her are gonna have a really awesome wedding with fountains that spray candy and shit...even worse, she's grown jealous of me since I spend so much time in your office...I wish I could do something to knock some sense into that sugar-fueled little brain of hers..."
"How about I try talking to her? I'm usually good at convincing people into doing whatever I want..."
Kenpachi let out a nervous chuckle. "Really now? If you weren't a healer, you could have probably gotten a job as a high-profile dominatrix in a prostitution ring or something...heh heh heh..."
"I'd advise that you never say anything like that again, Kenpachi Zaraki..." Unohana spat in a low voice, one hand wrapped tightly around the hilt of her zanpakuto. She was seriously going to hurt him if he didn't shut his trap soon.
"Heh...whatever..." Kenpachi rolled his only visible eye and sneered. He enjoyed teasing Unohana almost as much as he enjoyed fighting.
Tossing one last threatening look in Kenpachi's direction, Unohana turned her attention back to Yachiru, who was already chewing on some candy. Where she had obtained said candy, Unohana hadn't the slightest idea. However, such an insignificant thing was the least of her worries at the moment. Seeing he was of no further use here, Kenpachi grabbed a nearby magazine and began to read. Much to his dismay, it was a fashion magazine.
Unohana knelt down in front of little Yachiru and smiled sweetly at her. "Yachiru...honey...we're not getting married...no matter how adorable you are...I'm sorry." she really tried to sound apologetic when she said this.
Yachiru let out a ridiculously loud gasp. It sounded more like a scream than a gasp, really. "WHAT?! WHY NOT...?!"
"Because...one VERY good reason why we cannot, Yachiru-chan, is because I am much, much older than you..." Unohana explained diligently, not once losing her steadfast rhythm of speaking.
"Oh?" Yachiru cocked her head to the side, "Just how old ARE you, Hana-chan...?"
Unohana blanched; she hadn't considered that Yachiru might really ask her how old she was. There was no way she could actually come out and say it, especially not with Kenpachi in the room. He'd never let her live it down, for sure. The 4th Division captain mumbled to herself as she attempted to come up with a good excuse. When a full minute had passed, and she realized her mind was still drawing blanks, she decided to just skip over the question all-together.
"Yachiru-chan, I am much taller than you..."
"No worries! I'll just make sure to go through a growth spurt, and then we'll be about the same height!"
"We work for different divisions..."
"I can still come and visit you whenever Ken-chan needs a check-up!"
"We're both women..."
"I don't really see gender as a problem!"
Unohana sighed; she had thrown out nearly every excuse that came to mind. Yachiru was just too stubborn to simply realize that her dream of marrying the older woman could never come true. There was only one option left.
"Yachiru-chan...I have been extremely dedicated to my job for the longest time. As such, I have put aside all sexual desires that I possess so that I may serve Soul Society to the best of my abilities...I could never simply go and get married to someone...it wouldn't work out for me..."
"Really?" Yachiru's large, glossy eyes nearly bulged out of her head. This was the last thing she expected to hear.
"Yes," Unohana giggled, "Really..."
Yachiru was actually astonished by Unohana's total commitment to her work. "Wow...I...I never knew..." she muttered faintly under her breath. It seemed she was finally beginning to understand, much to the 4th Division Captain's relief.
Unohana smiled weakly, and nodded. "Yes...it is true. I am very sorry, Yachiru-chan, but as you can see...I am already married to my job,"
Kenpachi let out a loud snort, prompting Unohana to glare at him spitefully for a moment.
"Well, then," Yachiru's eyes suddenly lit up with enthusiasm, "Can I...at least have a kiss from my first love Hana-chan?"
Unohana was slightly befuddled towards the girl's rather odd request, but she agreed to it anyway. "Sure...of course you can..." She prepared to give the small lieutenant a simple kiss on the cheek, but it seemed that Yachiru had other plans.
"Ahh!" Gasping, Kenpachi threw his magazine to the floor, and jumped to his feet, "W-Wait a moment! Unohana, when Yachiru says she wants a kiss, she doesn't mean a kiss on the cheek-"
The 11th Division Captain was too late. Unohana's stoic composure instantly shattered the moment she felt Yachiru's lips press against her own. This was no quick peck on the lips, either; it was a powerful, passionate kiss. Unohana could actually taste the sugar in the pink-haired toddler's saliva. Unohana's entire body went rigid; she couldn't break away even if she wanted to. She felt Yachiru's tiny fingers gently fondle her breasts, feeling up every inch of the soft, squishy flesh. As difficult as it was for Unohana to admit, Yachiru wasn't bad at kissing at all.
'...Why do these things always happen to me?' Unohana wondered; first Rangiku had taken advantage of her luscious lips, and now this!
'I feel so guilty that this is turning me on...' Kenpachi thought, his cheeks glowing brightly.
'Mmm...Hana-chan tastes so good!' Yachiru happily noted.
Suddenly, the office door slid open, and Kotetsu Isane waltzed in with a large stack of papers in front of her face. "Taichou, I have these documents you need to-" Isane immediately cut herself off when she realized that her beloved captain was sucking face with a girl about three or four times younger than her. She said nothing as she slowly backtracked out into the hallway, closing the door behind her as she departed.
'I've been traumatized AGAIN...!'
When the two women finally broke apart, they both wore completely different facial expressions. Whereas Yachiru was practically beaming with joy, poor Unohana appeared to be close to tears. Kenpachi sighed in relief; if it had gone on any longer, he might have had to excuse himself to use the bathroom.
"Ha ha! I tricked you, Hana-chan! I don't care if you're married to your job; I'll just wait until you two get divorced, and then I'll swoop in and take you all for myself...!!" Yachiru laughed that cute, boisterous laugh of hers.
Unohana attempted to keep up an apathetic profile, but inside she was screaming her head off. 'Oh god no...'
Kenpachi knelt beside the older woman, and patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry," he told her, "She said the same thing to Captain Mayuri about two weeks ago, and a month earlier it had been that pitiful sap Kira. She'll probably lose interest in you in about four days or so..."
"I wish you had told me that earlier..." Unohana mumbled dryly.
"Yeah...I probably should have..."
Yachiru suddenly slapped Kenpachi in the back of the head. "Ken-chan, get your filthy hand off my woman!"
'I really shouldn't let her hang out with Yumichika so much...' Kenpachi thought, rubbing the fresh bump that had emerged.