Last Kiss

And I hope the sun shines

and it's a beautiful day

and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed

You can plan for a change in weather and time

but I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes

all that I know is I don't know

how to be something you'll miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name forever the name on my lips

just like our last kiss

1:13 am. Again. It was ridiculous. Why couldn't she go to sleep before midnight, like normal people? She knew the answer. It was because of him. That didn't make it less ridiculous. She knew he wasn't going to text her, but still she stayed up every night just to stare at the little green dot behind his name for a few minutes, knowing that he was home now, before it disappeared again. Austin Moon. Active 13 minutes ago.

She could feel how she was starting to tear up again. She would only cry at night when she was alone. No one should see how much the events two weeks ago hurt her. At least no one here in London.

How proud she had been when she came back and had a boyfriend. He was perfect and the best thing that had happened to her in a long time. She had wanted to show the whole world that she was his girl and that they were perfect for each other. She was proud to tell people that even though they lived on different continents they liked each other so much that they were in a long distance relationship. She started sobbing.

She thought back to when he had told his little sister that she didn't need to talk to her now since he was going to Skype his girl almost every day. That was before school had started again. After that it had only been every Saturday, her new favorite day of the week.

She tried to picture in mind the moment he said I love you for the first time, but it was so long ago and he had said it so often by now that it was only a blurry memory. It seemed worthless anyway now that he had left her.

How many times had he told her that he couldn't wait to marry her and that they would be together forever? She even still had a handwritten note from a week before he broke up with her that said it.

She was crying now. Her pillow was already a little bit wheat from the tears streaming down her face.

She tries not to but she starts thinking about that Friday. She had seen it coming. He had tried to smile at her but it was nothing like his usual smile and in that moment she had known that he was going to end it. She had tried not to think about it, tried to ignore the way he was avoiding talking to her all day. All day until sixth period. She had had enough of him acting weird and not telling her what was wrong. He asked her to come to the locker room.

"We've been dating for four months now." was the first thing he had said. She couldn't remember everything, but she remembered that she was smiling through the whole thing, the only thought in her head being, I knew it. One of his last sentences had been, "this isn't easy for me either." Her reply had been, that it looked pretty easy and he said that was only because he had been looking for the right words all day. She hadn't known what else to say in that moment so they had stood there in silence in front of the lockers for a few seconds before he had said something about going back to class.

All she had wanted in that moment was a hug-goodbye. When he had been about to leave the room she grabbed his arm, pulling him back a little but she couldn't do it. His brown eyes had looked at her so intensively and she couldn't find anywhere inside her the strength to take those few steps forward to hug him. She had ended up letting him go and just watch him leave to go to his calculus class.

She hugged her pillow tight to suffocate the sobs coming from her mouth in remembrance of the pain of that day.

1:35 am. She couldn't believe so much time had gone by. She was going to be super tired the next morning in school. She wiped away the tears and decided that it was time to think about the good times. Maybe that would help her to fall asleep.

The first thing that came immediately to her mind was the bus ride and the Atlantic Shores game. It was in the top 3 of her favorite memories of the two of them. It was the Tuesday after she had come back. The soccer and volleyball teams had games at Atlantic Shores High School and she had asked if she was allowed to come with them since she was only visiting for two weeks.

They had had planned to sit next to each other but the "guys-sit-in-the-back-and-girls-in-the-front-rule" had kept them from doing so. She had ended up sitting in the very front and he had sat in the very back. No way to communicate during this almost 2 hour bus ride. Or at least so she thought before she had turned around and smiled at him. He had given her one of his big grins that went from ear to ear and mouthed "I love you". She had mouthed it back the words coming from the depth of her heart.

Later on she had begun to talk to Trish when her eyes were drawn back to him, sitting there in the last row of the bus listening to music. Right in that moment he had looked up and smiled at her as if he had felt her looking at him. They had smiled at each other and he had been mouthing something when she had heard Trish go: "Are you smiling at Austin?" She had looked at her, nodded and looked back to her boyfriend, who had still been smiling at her, when suddenly a goldfish* had hit her in the face. "Did you just throw food at me?" she had asked in disbelieve. "You gave me no choice. You two are so cute, it makes me wanna throw up, so I had to stop you." Trish had replied.

After the soccer game he had walked up to the bleachers, where she had been sitting und held out his hand. She had gotten up, taken his hand and without a word he had started walking toward the building where the volleyball game was. For a few seconds they had just walked hand in hand and it had been the most amazing feeling in the world. It was just him and her, being a normal couple, without him being in a computer screen and without getting in trouble for PDA.

Later on at the volleyball game, they had sat next to each other, as close as possible. He had decided to teach her how to slouch since she always sat totally straight. "Scoop forward and lean back, like this" he had explained to her. She had laughed but done as he had told her. He had put his arm around her, looked her in the eyes and kissed her. It was a soft kiss and when they had parted he had had the most amazing smile on his face. She had known she was home in that moment. Here in his arms, was where she belonged and all of a sudden all the stress of the past three months, the separation from him, getting used again to her British school, had fallen off of her. All that had been left was tiredness. She had closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest. She had been on the wrong side to hear his heartbeat but she could hear him breathe and that was enough for her.

How often did she wish, she could just go back to that moment and freeze the time around them so it could last longer. She would look up at him and tell him that she loved him. At that point she had at least known that he would have replied with I love you too and he wouldn't have pushed her away like he would if she told him now. Even though she was sure he still had to feel the same way. Feelings like these don't just disappear.

He had said it himself. He didn't end it because he didn't like her anymore. He did it to protect her from him because he wasn't ready for a relationship. It didn't matter whether she wanted to be protected or not. It was his decision and she couldn't change it no matter what she did.

He had said he didn't want to hurt her in the long run. Instead he was hurting her now. More than anything that he could've done wrong, would have hurt her. It didn't make sense to her. So now all she could do was wonder. Wonder what made him change his mind. Was it something she did? Was it something she had said? Did he not like her in person? He had told her so often how perfect she was in his eyes and yet now that he had spent time with her again in person, he had broken up with her.

She would have been able to handle it. She would've been able to handle any of these reasons, but not knowing which one it was, was killing her on the inside. It made her doubt everything and her already low self-esteem was suffering too.

She closed her eyes. She needed to sleep. Analyzing hadn't helped her the past week and it wouldn't help her now. Plus if she could finally fall asleep she at least got a few hours with him in her dreams. It wasn't like being with the real Austin, but it was all she had and she wasn't going to give that up too.

At about 2:03 am she finally fell asleep.