For a Little While
Summary: Addek post-prom. Addison finds out the truth of what happened between Meredith and Derek on prom night. Much angst.
A/N: My first Grey's Anatomy fanfic. Meep.
The ride back to the trailer was excruciating. He stared straight ahead, unblinking — anywhere but at Addison. To look at her would betray his feelings and tell her a story she didn't need to hear. He couldn't read her face, couldn't figure out if she had an inkling to what had gone on while she had waited on his return. He guessed that she didn't, or she would have said something by now.
He wasn't sure how he would have handled it if Meredith had chosen him over the vet. It was a very wrong thing to be thankful that your mentor's niece had collapsed on the dance floor, drawing Meredith away, but he thought so anyway. Addison would have never understood—it would have crushed her. While he was quite sure he wasn't in love with his wife any longer, he was also sure he didn't want to hurt her so deeply.
He turned in at the trailer, and all was silent.
"Too bad about Richard's niece. I don't think she'll make it," he commented dully once they were inside. He loosened his tie and kicked off his shoes.
He turned to look at Addison, who hadn't responded. She was leaning against a wall, staring at him with a look he couldn't quite decipher.
"What is it?" he asked with a chuckle, moving closer to her.
Her look turned from almost expressionless to a disbelieving glare. "Oh, nothing, Derek. Nothing."
He was a bit stunned by the harshness in her voice, and, not wanting to admit even to himself that she knew what had happened, continued on, "Addison. What's wrong?" He reached up a hand to push back a lock of hair, wanting her to know that he cared, even if he didn't.
"Don't touch me." Her voice was crueler than before, and he could see the fire in her eyes.
"Addison…" he repeated.
"Don't you 'Addison' me. Don't even speak to me." Her last words came out in a hiss. She stalked off away from him.
"Addison, wait." He followed after her to the bedroom. It wasn't a far walk.
"Christ, Derek," she said, her voice uneven. "I thought we were trying at this? I thought… you didn't want to leave me. I thought, maybe, you might choose me. I'm your wife. She's an intern."
He frowned, feeling helpless. "I—I don't want to leave you. It was an indiscretion. Isn't that what we're good at? Indiscretions."
She ignored his words, staring down at the bed. She looked as if she was trying to hold back tears. "I had faith in you—in us. I didn't think twelve years of marriage was something you'd just throw away for one more time with her."
He chewed the inside of his jaw, looking anywhere but her eyes. "I'm sorry. I want to make this work. I really do. What can I do to fix it?"
"Derek, please," she said, sounding like she'd given up. She threw up her hands in defeat. "You love her, not me. It's taken some getting used to, but I can't keep doing this with you. I can't keep going to work and hoping that I don't walk in on the two of you." Her lips were pursed and there were tears in her eyes when she looked up at him. "I didn't know what had happened between the two of you tonight for certain. I just saw the looks you were getting—and the looks you gave back.
"O'Malley's girlfriend kept glaring at you and Meredith. I'm not stupid, I notice things, you know. So I asked her what was happening. It took some… some coaxing, but she eventually told me… what she saw."
He stood quietly in the doorframe, unsure of what to say, and feeling vulnerable.
"I didn't deserve that. I may have the first time, but to shatter my heart again, Derek?" She shook her head, disbelieving. "I really thought you were better than that."
He hung his head, feeling guilty. He opened his mouth to speak, but found all he had to say was an apology with little feeling behind it.
"I don't want to hear it." She collapsed onto the bed, turning away from him. He watched sadly as her back heaved and he, every so often, heard a sharp gasp. She was crying. "Leave me alone," she said when he attempted to step nearer her.
"I can't. I don't want to leave you anywhere. You're my wife, my companion for almost twelve years. I don't want to throw it away, and I don't want to hurt you. I fell in love with Meredith, but I didn't want to. I don't want to. Don't you think I'd rather have you?"
"No, Derek, I don't. It's over between us, isn't it?" She scrubbed at her eyes and face, and then turned to face him. "This is it, right?"
"Of course not. I want to be with you."
"No you don't. I'd say you just think you do, but I'm not even sure about that." She attempted a sad smile but, in Derek's opinion, it made her look even worse. "I can't keep doing this," she repeated. She was silent for a while, biting her lip and staring him down; it almost gave him chills. "I want to make this work, but I don't think you do. If you did, then you'd have thought for at least a second about the degree of what you were doing. And Meredith… makes you happy." Another silence, then, "I want you to be happy, even if I can't be the one to do it. You're free, Derek."
His face froze and he just stood there. His fingers were the first to go numb, and there was a buzzing in his ears. He didn't want this. Before Addison came to Seattle, he had thought he was better off without her, but he wasn't so sure now. He wasn't sure and, further more, he wasn't ready to decide.
"You're ending us? After everything we've fought for?"
She let out an exasperated gasp. "I didn't sleep with Mark again!" She blinked back tears furiously, and Derek wished nothing more at that time than to wipe them away; he felt terribly guilty.
His emotions betrayed how his head told him he felt. He didn't love Addison anymore, why would he care if the marriage was over? He shook his head, and turned away, not wanting to show her what he was feeling.
"That's fine. You want to put to rest a relationship we've had since we were interns, then… that's fine." He lingered in the doorway for a moment before leaving for the porch, still in formalwear.
He needed time to think, to weigh the magnitude of what was happening. He wanted Meredith—but was the possibility of being with her worth losing his wife? Meredith, his intern, had the vet, who, he admitted, was practically perfect. He wasn't married, for one. The vet was everything he was and wasn't at the same time—he was perfect for her—as much as it killed him to draw such a conclusion. The vet was her Addison. Meredith deserved her Addison.
His reverie was interrupted when his pager vibrated against his hip. He jumped slightly and grabbed it.
"Did you just get paged?" Addison had appeared at the door.
He looked up at her, conscious of how worn-down and distraught he must look. If he looked bad, though, it didn't hold a candle to how Addison appeared: she was still in her red dress, but her hair hung limply over her shoulders, looking terrible; her eyes were shot and her attempt at wiping away her running makeup had only resulted in a smeared mess across her face.
"Yeah," he said, his voice sounding unfamiliar even to him; it was small, scratchy, like he hadn't been in the habit of using it. "Hospital?"
She nodded, but there was a terribly strained calmness in the air. "I wonder what happened?" She started walking toward her Mercedes.
He continued to sit there—for once in his life, work took a backseat. For once he didn't care. Then, slowly, he rose from his chair and did something he never envisioned himself doing: he caught up to her.
"Wait, Addison." He grabbed her upper arm.
She wheeled around, though she didn't look angry. She looked like a woman who had given up, whose world had been shattered before her eyes.
He sighed, and didn't meet her eyes for what seemed forever. He then looked up, holding her gaze firmly, his eyes giving away the weariness he was experiencing.
"I know you don't want to hear it, or that it'll even mean anything to you, but I'm going to tell you anyway: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I fell in love with Meredith, and I'm sorry for putting you through hell, for running you through the dirt like that's all you ever meant to me. Because you didn't. At one time, you mean the world to me. At one time, we were happy and everything was more than okay. Everything was wonderful.
"But it's not now. It's not okay, Addison. And I… I miss that. I want it back, but I don't know how to get there. Not with you."
He paused to take in her appearance—there were tears in her eyes again, and she was biting her lip, looking helpless.
"I want to try, though. A lot of the time it may not seem so, but I would much rather be with you, my wife of twelve years, than my intern." He reached out to wipe away a stray tear escaping down her cheek, smiling sadly. "I want to make this work, Addie."
She smiled, letting out a sob. He took her moment of vulnerability to wrap his arms around her, holding her head against his chest. They stood there in the lawn; not caring about work or anything else in the world, and to Derek, everything seemed okay. At least for a little while.
Fin