Summary: The end of the year has arrived, bringing with it an important season. No, not Christmas... well, okay, yes, the Winter Holiday season, with Christmas being the flashiest of them all. But, more importantly, Star Wars season. The Last Jedi has arrived in theaters and guess which nerdy couple has shown up to the premiere?
Of course, the duo can't help but pick apart the movie when its over.
Established Hartmon
Ignores the majority of stuff happening in season 4
So many Star Wars: The Last Jedi spoilers
Notes: Originally written and posted over on Ao3 before the DVD release of The Last Jedi.
Two Nerds and a Lightsaber
At 6:30, Cisco and Hartley were fifth and sixth in line to pile into theater 6 to watch the 7:00 Star Wars: The Last Jedi 'Midnight' premiere. (Hartley's rant on the ridiculousness of calling it a 'midnight' premiere and been cut off midway when Cisco finished booking the tickets and kissed his boyfriend to shut him up.) They were at the Lounge Cinema closest to Hartley's apartment (which Cisco was starting to spend more time at than his own apartment) which always had a pre-show half an hour before the actual movie started.
The pre-show was basically a clip show made up of relevant You-Tube videos, cheesy movie clips, and whatever other weird video clips they could compile that were even tangentially related to the movie. (Cisco had attended the last of the Hobbit Trilogy at the Lounge and been very, very amused to see "They're Taking the Hobbits to Isenguard" show up in the pre-show.) This time there were clips of old Star Wars toy commercials, Bad Lip Reading's "Seagulls! (Stop It Now)", Robot Chicken clips, and a few other bizarre videos that alternately had Cisco and Hartley giggling and exchanging WTF expressions.
But then, finally, the theater lights began to dim, the trailers for upcoming movies began to play, and the two settled down. Cisco's arm slid around Hartley's shoulder as they leaned comfortably against each other, having moved the armrest between their seats out of the way when they sat down.
Some hours later, they left the theater in contemplative silence, wandered around to the back alley where no one could see them, and Cisco opened up a breach back to Hartley's apartment.
"That was..." Cisco paused thoughtfully, plopping onto the couch. "Well, I'm not going to say it was great, because there was so much that wasn't, but... it wasn't horrible either."
"It was a deliberate deconstruction of the most popular Star Wars tropes, and it was badly done at that," Hartley countered, wrinkling his nose. "Every step of the way, I just... ugh."
"Alright, so... I actually really liked the General Hugs thing at the start," Cisco offered.
Hartley snickered and took to pacing, his hands waving expressively as he spoke. "That was the only part of the battle at the start of the movie that I liked. Taking advantage of the Imperial - or First Order, whatever - tendency towards villainous monologuing? Priceless. But everything after Poe disabled the Dreadnought's defense canons was just awful. Okay, so General Leia orders Poe to disengage the enemy and he refuses. Fine. Leia's the freaking General, not Poe, so why the hell doesn't she just signal the rest of the fighters and bombers and give the order to disengage to them. Just because Poe is an idiot doesn't mean the rest of them are going to mutiny along side him. Instead it looks like she sacrificed the fleet because she didn't want to risk her favorite dying despite him disobeying orders. Which... that is not the sign of a good leader."
"Expecting a realistic military campaign from Star Wars is about as ridiculous as expecting movie writers to have any concept of distance or time passing equally in disparate story lines that are meant to converge later... which, that last one, definitely a problem with The Last Jedi." Cisco paused and then shrugged, "anyway, back to the first battle, yeah its a little... weird that Leia didn't just recall the ships herself and force Poe to come back or risk being left behind due to his own hubris, but... I dunno, what really bugged me were those bombs. There's no gravity in space. Those bombs should not have fallen like that."
"I'm... I'm actually okay with the bombs falling to the ship. There's, like, three... no, four different possibilities I can think of off the top of my head that make the bombs 'falling' in space make sense." Hartley paused, taking a moment to settle beside Cisco. "Okay, so weakest theory is that the Dreadnought was the next permutation of the Interdictor class and it projected an artificial gravity well."
"Weakest, I presume, because if it were capable of doing that then the Resistance ships wouldn't have been able to jump to hyperspace in that case, thus justifying Poe's attack on the Dreadnought," Cisco filled in.
"Exactly. Theory number two, they were still close enough to the planet for the planet's gravity to exert some influence... also a weak theory, yes, I know." Hartley snuggled back into Cisco's arms, much the way they'd been at the theater. More comfortable, of course, on his couch than they'd been in the theater's stadium seating.
"Because gravity itself would've been weak in orbit, far too weak to account for falling bombs?" Cisco responded dryly.
"Sabelotodo," Hartley grumbled.
"No insultes a ti mismo," Cisco shot back teasingly, smirking when Hartley craned around briefly to stick his tongue out at him.
"Anyway. Theory number three is magnets."
"I'm not even dignifying that with a rebuttal," Cisco muttered. "Are you sure that one isn't the weakest theory?"
"Hush, you," Hartley harrumphed. "Theory four... well, okay, so the bombers clearly have artificial gravity generators, right?"
"Right," Cisco agreed. "Not that it makes sense to equip them with gravity generators, but I will concede that they clearly had it, otherwise the scenes with Rose's sister beg the question of why she had to climb the ladder instead of just pushing off to float fast through the null gravity."
"So, the bombs falling out of the ships would've already achieved a certain amount of downward velocity when they passed out of the gravity field and into said null gravity. And with space being a vacuum and thus having nothing to apply friction to slow down the bombs... the bombs would've continued traveling at the same speed and direction they were moving at the moment they exited the bomber's gravity field. Thus 'falling' bombs making a certain amount of sense."
"Why, exactly, did you bother with the first three theories when the final one had actual science in it?" Cisco complained, pressing a kiss against Hartley's jaw.
"The magnets one was just to mess with you," Hartley admitted with a laugh, tilting his head to the side slightly to give better access to his neck.
Cisco obliged with another kiss that made Hartley shiver against him. "¿Quién es el sabelotodo ahora?" he muttered against Hartley's ear before settling back comfortably again.
Hartley hummed softly and snuggled down against his boyfriend's chest. "Where was I?"
"Actual science for why the bombs fell. Well, actual science beyond the magical, never explained gravity generators, but those have been around since A New Hope was just Star Wars. So those get a pass."
"Right, okay... so Poe definitely deserved his demotion," Hartley said, "and I thought they did a good job of demonstrating that Kylo Ren was genuinely conflicted over possibly killing his mother. Killing Han clearly had more of an impact on him than he wants to admit."
"His temper tantrum in the elevator was annoying, though," Cisco opined. "He's even more of a man child than Anakin was in the prequel movies."
"At least the acting is better? Also, its deliberately invoked man-child-ness this time, where as the prequel movies it was an unintended side effect of no one knowing how to tell George Lucas 'no' anymore." Hartley grinned when Cisco snorted in amusement. "The symbolism of him abandoning the helmet was pretty good, though. Foreshadowing that he's very much not like Vader, despite the similarities and his desire to emulate his grandfather."
"Also when he walked out and freaked out the officers, I was reminded of Matt from the Undercover Boss SNL skit," Cisco added with a laugh.
"I was hoping that there'd be a clip from that in the pre-show." Hartley reached for the blanket he kept hooked over the back of the couch and pulled it down, kicking his shoes off at the same time, before curling underneath the quilt. "Little sad it wasn't there." He yawned and then nearly purred when Cisco scratched his scalp lightly.
"When Leia used the Force to bring her back inside the ship's shielding, I thought that was a nice touch. She might not have gone in for being a fully fledged Jedi, but she clearly learned a few tricks from Luke." Cisco smothered a little yawn of his own. "I liked Rose at first, but I'm not really sure what my final opinion of her really is."
"Same."
"Seeing Maz again was nice. Would've preferred that Finn and Rose's side-quest had been to rescue her from her noodle incident than their adventure on the super preachy casino world for a code breaker they ended up never actually meeting."
"That would've been awesome. I mean, okay, they're in the middle of a covert mission so they park on the beach in front of witnesses?"
"Where did they even get that ship from? Never mind how they sneaked past the First Order, how did no one except Poe and not-Leia's-daughter notice an entire ship went missing?"
"Not-Leia's-daughter?" Hartley asked in bemusement.
"Cinnamon bun hair girl," Cisco elaborated.
"Oh, Carrie Fisher's daughter... not-Leia's-daughter..." Hartley nodded, "I feel slow now."
"Not slow, just sleepy. I am too," Cisco assured him. "I did love BB-8 getting to be a badass, though. The thing with the casino chips was adorable."
"And the Walker was definitely a nod to Chewie pulling the same thing in Return of the Jedi."
"True. But back to that casino planet. What was even the lesson supposed to be about that place? That not everything pretty is actually good because profiteers? Slavery is bad and should be considered on par with animal cruelty? Not that those are mutually exclusive, but... seriously, they release what we have no reason to believe are anything other than particularly intelligent animals into the wilderness to be recaptured later, but don't even try to rescue the enslaved children? That was just an awful message. And then after showing that the decadence is bad, the code breaker they found turns the war profiteer question around on them by showing them that he stole the ship from someone who sold to both sides of the First Order/Resistance conflict. If they were aiming for a 'war is a complicated mess even for arms dealers' lesson, then it was mangled, badly."
"Then to just ram home how much of a mess their side quest was, the code breaker gives back the sentimental trinket only to turn around and sell out the Resistance for credits and safety. I'm shocked the First Order actually honored their deal with him."
"I'm shocked he could pull off all that difficult hacking that Maz was insistent only her special hacker friend could pull off." Cisco huffed in irritation. "If it was that hard to do, then what were the odds that they'd get locked in a cell with another person on the same planet as the dude they were actually looking for who just happened to have the same skill set they needed? Because it wasn't his hacking that got them caught; it was pretty heavily implied that the BB-9E realized they were fakes."
"Rescuing Maz would have definitely been the better, more logical side quest," Hartley agreed. "I bet the Lego version will lampshade how nonsensical it was."
"So, what about the whole thing with Luke, then?" Cisco asked. "There were parts I liked and disliked about the Jedi temple world, and I really did not like the whole 'Kylo Ren is all Luke's fault' thing."
"Tossing the lightsaber was hilarious, though," Hartley said. "I don't think anyone expected him to just chuck it like that."
Cisco laughed and kicked off his own shoes, stretching out his legs. "Also the epic spear fishing. How did he even get that fish off the spear without using the Force?"
"That is a good question, though I couldn't really process that after the whole unsanitary, unpasteurized green milk thing." Hartley shuddered. "That was just... yuck."
"I'm really glad we didn't order the 'green milk' special they had on offer at the theater." Cisco gave a little shudder of his own.
"On the one hand, delicious mint shake. On the other hand, very unfortunate name," Hartley hummed, then added, "I kind of want a mint milkshake now."
"I think you're out of crème de menthe after we made grasshoppers last weekend."
"Oh, yeah, forgot about that." Hartley yawned again and nuzzled against Cisco's shirt (a Star Wars meme shirt, of course). "Ultimately, no, I didn't much care for Luke's characterization either. He screws up with his nephew and was traumatized, yes, I get that... but he runs away and blames everything that went wrong on the Jedi. The Jedi as they were in the prequels were backwards hypocrites, but Luke was the one who gave up because rebuilding the Jedi into something better proved to be too difficult. And if he'd just been checking Ben's mind for evil, or whatever, then why did he bring his lightsaber with him in the first place? This is Luke we're talking about. Sneaking into his nephew's room and apparently already over halfway to deciding to summarily execute the guy because the kid dared to think bad thoughts." Hartley wrinkled his nose in irritation before evening out his expression. "I pretty much liked everything to do with Rey, though. I get why she wouldn't have trusted Luke with her visions about Kylo Ren, though I think I'd need to rewatch her trippy vision a few times to even be able to start making sense of it."
"The whole 'what did you expect, that I'd take on the whole army with a lightsaber' line turned out to be a perfect description of his final stand while the Resistance got away," Cisco countered. "That was just... such an awesome fight. I knew something was going on when I realized that he wasn't leaving footprints in the salt, but... did not guess the long distance Force projection at all."
"How did C-3PO see him, though? If Luke was only there as a projection through the Force and droids are not connected to the Force because they're not organic beings, then..." Hartley closed his eyes. "You're seriously going to make me fall asleep if you keep that up."
"Keep what up?"
"You're petting my hair. It's... its..." Hartley frowned. "Demulceo... which is wrong even in Latin, but that's as close as I'm getting to the word I want... my brain isn't cooperating."
"What about Spanish?"
"Encantador. No, that's still entrancing which isn't really wrong, but..." Hartley groaned. "This is going to bother me until I think of the right word."
"Anywho," Cisco continued to put Hartley's hair, "what did you think of General Holdo?"
"There is no good reason why she would have kept the 'we're escaping to this salt planet to regroup and contact allies' plan a secret. That was just a stupid move on her part. And even if there was a good reason for working on a need to know basis, why didn't the bridge crew - including not-Leia's-daughter - know the plan? And then the whole mutiny... it makes Poe look like he's a liability to the Resistance, but there go Holdo and Leia cooing over him while he's unconscious. They want to know why he pulls shit like that? Because they let him get away with it over and over and slap his hands in response instead of enacting actual punishments and consequences." Hartley paused and then added, "didn't help that, after our Jurassic Park marathon last weekend, I kept expecting General Holdo to finally explain what was causing the triceratops to get sick."
"Wasn't it that the rocks she was eating to aid her digestion were covered in that one poisonous plant?"
"Pretty sure that wasn't explained in the movie, just the book... and maybe the Lego game. I dunno, mostly I just remember Charlie stole the motorcycle at the end of Lego Jurassic World."
"We should replay that one."
"Hypnotic!"
"What?"
"The, uh, word I was looking for. Hypnotic. Your petting of my hair is hypnotic."
Cisco snickered and shifted to the side some more so he could put his feet up next to Hartley's on the couch. "Dork." They were silent for a minute, then, "I thought the use of a hyperspace jump to rip the First Order ships apart was cool, but, like, why didn't they do that from the start? They had three ships; they could've moved everything off the ship that was the least fuel and space efficient, left behind just enough fuel to make a short jump, and one person willing to go down with the ship since apparently they were leaving the captains behind anyway. Then, BAM!" Hartley jumped then grumbled as he settled back down. "Or, they could start building unmanned fighters with enough mass to rip another ship apart, equip it with a hyper-drive, and..."
"Autopilot becomes the unsung hero of the fight against the First Order?" Hartley filled in. "Sounds good to me."
"Then they could stop wasting perfectly good characters like, Sn... never mind, they're First Order characters."
"So remember when Palpatine was just a hologram in Empire Strikes Back and a smug snake without much in the way of characterization in Return of the Jedi and no one was upset by this?"
"Yeah, I know, he didn't get fleshed out until the prequels and he became Anakin's unofficial creepy uncle, but the new trilogy does itself no favors by making Snoke nearly a scene-by-scene rehash of Palpatine from the originals." Cisco let out a jaw-cracking yawn. "Pajamas and bed?"
"Would that mean we have to move? Because I like it here. It's warm, you're cozy."
"True."
"I'm glad Rose rescued Finn," Hartley muttered.
"Yeah. With him alive we can continue to ship him with Poe, assuming we still like Poe?"
"I think so. He learned, after all. He was taught all the wrong lessons, but he still learned not to make needless sacrifices somehow. Also Poe's love of BB-8 will never be anything but adorable, so points in his favor there."
"Rose's reasoning for saving him, though... I mean, what did she think he was sacrificing himself for, if not for protecting the people he cared about?"
"So much about that movie was not well thought through."
Cisco sighed quietly. "Is it weird that I want to watch it again anyway?"
"Not at all," Hartley assured him. "We're nerds. I want to see it again too."
There was a long moment of silence. "We still need to get up."
"Nope. Sleeping here. It's too late." Hartley made little noises of denial as Cisco sat up, forcing Hartley to sit up with him. "Just for that, no pajamas."
"I'm sorry, but how exactly is that a threat? I mean... I like it when you sleep in just your boxers. Makes morning sex easier when there's less clothing in the way."
Hartley flushed. "That's not... what I..." he blinked, hard.
"You're so cute when your brain is rebooting," Cisco assured him. "Now," he stood and commanded, "up." Tugging at Hartley's arms, he pulled the blond to his feet, the blanket they'd been cuddling underneath pooling on the floor at their feet. "Take me to bed?"
Translations:
Sabelotodo - Smartass/Smart aleck/Know it all
No insultes a ti mismo - Don't insult yourself
¿Quién es el sabelotodo ahora? - Who's the smartass/smart aleck now?
Demulceo - Entrance (as in entrancing and not a door)
Encantador - Entrancing