A/N: WHOAHEY WELCOME TO CRACKLAND.
I wrote this thing when I was about twelve and suffice to say that was a while ago. xD I didn't redo it since then so it's not up to my current standards but hell, it's crack. I wrote it for the lulz and I'm putting it up here for the same reason.
It's chock full of inside jokes with some of my friends, so you may not get bits, and you may not find it funny at all. But it was a blast to write at the time, so I hope you find it at least somewhat amusing~ ;D
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Envy's Bagels
It was Saturday morning, and all was silent in the Homunculi's mansion. The continuous commotion that always seemed to resound within the colossal building had ended as its inhabitants went off to sleep. The noisy renovations required after the last little incident involving a squirrel, an overly sensitive news reporter, and of course peanut butter, were completed. Despite the fact that the house was eerily silent, one of the Sins was wide awake, and had been for several hours.
Snake-like tendrils of dark green hair spread out across the white pillow, all of the many strands leading back to Envy's head. He wore only a plain, light green bathrobe. (He could almost hear Lust clucking her tongue and telling him the color clashed with his hair. Women.) Even his black headband with the red triangle was not adorning him forehead.
His narrowed purple gaze was fixed on the clock on his bedside table.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Just a few more seconds…Now!
Suddenly, the happy squealing of an overexcited Wrath broke the lull. Envy grinned wickedly. What a genius, he was. Why make the first morning noise, he reasoned, and get into trouble for it, when he could simply let Wrath do it for him?
He leaped up as the sleepy, exasperated groans of his other fellow Homunculi sounded, right on cue. And, just as he had planned, the moment Wrath was about to stomp past Envy's room, the eldest Sin shot out of his bedroom to intercept him.
A shriek of surprise from Wrath, snarls of forged grogginess from Envy. And the chase was on. Now Envy could shout to his black heart's content, and he could blame Wrath for starting it all.
Just another lazy weekend morning in the Homunculi's abode.
As usual, it had been Sloth who had settled the skirmish.
Envy, "Hey, he started shouting first!" the very image of one who had a perfect excuse.
Wrath countered with a cunning mind trick, "…It was you!" He stared accusingly at his surrogate mother.
Sloth and Envy stared blankly. Even for Wrath this was an idiotic comeback.
"Sure it was, Wrath, love." Sloth croaked, exasperation obvious in her sleepy voice. She rubbed her temples, blowing out a sigh. "Let's just go eat breakfast."
Wrath obliged like the goody-goody he always was around Sloth, sauntering after her like a puppy. Envy just rolled his eyes and followed them to the kitchen.
There was Gluttony, still sleeping beside the fridge in his doggy bed. There was Wrath, already happily munching on a carrot muffin. ('Carrot muffin? Nowai! It's too good to be carrot!') There was… a bagel on Envy's plate?!
Envy snarled in disgust. He hated bagels. The reminded him of Hohenheim. Hohenheim loved those vile creations, and so Envy hated them. Hohenheim also loved Brussels sprouts. What freak of nature liked those smelly things? Honestly?
"I'm not eating the bagel, Sloth, honey." Envy told, giving Sloth a sympathetic look, as if mocking her for her stupidity at placing that thing on his plate in the first place.
"You're eating the bagel, Envy, dear." Sloth grumbled irritably back, countering his mocking term of endearment with her own.
Such blatant disrespect! Envy grimaced dangerously. "I don't like bagels."
Sloth, "I don't care. You're eating the bagel."
Envy, "Bagels are angel spawn."
Sloth turned her angry gaze upon Envy. "Ooh, angel spawn instead of devil spawn. Aren't you a witty one," she hissed, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
Envy straightened; a gesture which might have been more impressive if he hadn't been wearing a bathrobe.
"I like bagels." Wrath piped with the coyest expression on his face as he chewed his baked good.
"No one asked you, brat." Envy turned on the child.
"Mommy! Envy called me brat!" Wrath shrieked.
"Don't call him a brat, palm tree! Now eat the damn bagel!" Sloth barked, her face hard as granite.
"I'm not a palm tree! And I'm not eating the bagel!"
"Bagels are yummy~! For my tummy~!" Wrath sang.
"You're an orphan! Your mommy doesn't even love you!" Envy shouted back distractely, shutting his eyes tight in fury as he spoke.
"Mommy! Envy called me a stupid twit!"
"No I didn't! Sloth's right here, she heard what I said, you stupid twit!"
"Now he did!" Wrath bellowed triumphantly, pointing at Envy accusingly and hopping up and down.
"I hate you, Wrath. You'll be the first to go."
Wrath grinned sweetly. "I love you too, Envy."
"Eat the bagel!" Sloth hollered, returning to the source of the argument.
"I'm not eating the bagel!"
"Yes you are!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yuh-huh!"
"Mommy! Envy called me an idiotic sammich!" Wrath shouted, but he was ignored this time.
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yuh-huh!"
"Nuh-uh!"
Finally, this delightfully intelligent word joust was brought to an abrupt end as Gluttony jolted awake with a grunt.
"Good. I'll make Gluttony eat the despicable bagel." Envy growled, tossing the bagel nonchalantly toward the big lug.
"No! You're eating the bagel!" Sloth snarled. Now this was personal.
She threw out a tentacle-like liquid arm, and it closed around the bagel in midair. Envy grabbed it, even as it was within her grasp, and he tried to wrench it free.
"Eat the bagel!"
"No!"
"I will never eat it as long as I am undead!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Nuh-uh!"
"Yuh-huh!"
Fortunately, this time they had the foresight to stop earlier. Or, more accurately, the reason for the dispute left. Gluttony, after grabbing a massive ham from the fridge, trudged off to find Lust. And so, Sloth let go of the now, thoroughly wet bagel, and let it drop back to the plate.
"I won't eat it, Sloth. I mean, look at it! There's a hole in the center! It looks like Wrath got a hold of it. You know his new hobby is to poke holes into everything he sees." Envy growled.
Wrath straightened. "…Nowai!" he retorted smartly.
Sloth, who had been merrily and conveniently ignoring Wrath as he punched holes into everything from cookies, to walls, to teddy bears, to hopelessly boring Geography textbooks, put on an impenetrable, puzzled expression.
"There. 'Nowai'. He said he's not the culprit. Now, stop lying Envy, and eat the bagel," she retorted coolly.
"I'm not eating the stupid bagel! Now, shut up and get me my cocoa puffs!"
"You're such a child, Envy! Even Wrath doesn't eat that kiddie food anymore! And you're 400 years older than him!" Sloth snapped, while Wrath munched his bowl of cocoa puffs that Sloth had given him not a minute earlier happily, completely immune to their conversation. Cocoa puffs did that to him.
"He's eating them right now!" Envy cried, throwing up his arms and staring at her in amazement. Such bias! Only one idiot fanfic writer could think up such an atrocious idea! I mean, the plot is focused on a stupid bagel, and I haven't killed Wrath yet, Envy thought agitatedly.
"That's it, idiot! I refuse to participate in this story." Envy shouted, glaring around the kitchen as if this particular writer was lurking in one of the cupboards. Which she wasn't. She had a much better hiding spot. Oh yes. For this 'idiot fanfic writer' is a witty one.
As Envy made to walk out of the kitchen realization dawned on Wrath. "She's writing this? Ohh! So that's why Envy hasn't killed me yet!"
"I wondered who had come up with this idea." Sloth told, nodding in understanding at this epiphany.
However, as Envy was about to leave the kitchen, a violently lime green spork flew out of nowhere and struck him in the head.
"What was that?! Oh, you'll pay--" Envy cut off in shock as he felt a bagel-like shape being shoved into his open mouth.
More by instinct then anything else, Envy swallowed it, despite its size, in a single gulp.
Sloth grunted, satisfied, her arm still liquid after she had flung the bagel straight into Envy's mouth with it. Wrath had frozen mid-cocoa puff chew.
Envy's eyes narrowed so much almost no black was visible, giving him a maniacal, crazed appearance. He uttered a roar so outraged, that it woke Sloth and Wrath from their transfixion, and they fled from the kitchen, Wrath shrieking something about lasagna, and Sloth gloating about her victory.
The moment they had left, Envy lunged toward a cupboard, throwing it open. Where were the bagels? Oh, for the love of hate, and for the hate of love, where were they?!
He had liked the bagel he had just eaten. No, not just liked it. He had loved it. It had been the most delicious thing he had ever eaten. Twitching like he had some illness, Envy threw open shelf and cupboard, searching for the rest of the bagels.
There it was! The bag of assorted bagels! He pulled the bag out so violently, he tore it, and its contents spilled out all over the floor.
He fell to the ground like a rock, scrabbling at the luscious bagels, and forcing the fridge open simultaneously. Out came the cream cheese, the butter, the strawberry flavored cheese thing, the…mayonnaise? No, that one went back into the fridge.
And Envy ate bagel after bagel, putting either cream cheese, or butter, or strawberry cheese, or mayo-- How did that one get out again? No, he left out the mayonnaise-- onto his bagels. (Even the raisin bagels! And those ones are disgusting!)
And he savored every one, devouring them so swiftly and easily that it put Gluttony to shame.
Until, miraculously, the hallucination of Chuck Norris descended from the solid ceiling.
Envy leaped up, clutching his beloved bagels to his chest protectively.
"Gimme your bagels." Chuck Norris ordered, glaring Chuck Norris-ly.
"My precious. My precious." Envy hissed, his left eye twitching as he stroked the bagel. He was completely immune to the reference to Lord of the Rings. "Touch my bagels and I'll bite your fingers off!" He snarled. Wow, yet another LOTR reference.
But, with unexpected and unsurpassed agility, Chuck Norris the delusion grabbed the bagel, tugging at it unrelentingly. Envy pulled back, and so Envy and the illusion of Chuck Norris got into a tug-of-war. But, as Chuck was an illusion, what exactly was Envy fighting?
The answer came with Sloth, Lust, and Wrath as they ran into the kitchen to find the source of the commotion.
There, on the floor, now smashed to bits, was Wrath's cookie jar, and its contents; cookies. The cookie jar had been shaped like a cowboy, and the bagel had been caught on its cowboy hat. Envy stared at the newcomers, his gaze darting around madly.
Wrath lunged toward the smashed cookies and the broken cookie jar, scrabbling at them desperately. But, it was too late. Those good cookies were lost.
"You smashed the cookies! Why would you do that?!" Wrath cried, his face turning redder than a tomato. A tantrum was sure to follow.
Envy put on a tough expression. "I had to pop Chuck Norris. He wasn't giving me my props in the kitchen," he told seriously.
"Chuck Norris was here? Nowai!" Sloth stated with a curt wave of surprise.
"Nowai!" Wrath agreed, mimicking her dismissive wave.
"Nowai!" Lust nodded, also using the wave.
"Yeahwai!" Envy told.
Wrath was once again mourning over lost cookies, pounding the ground and screaming, "Why?" to the ceiling as if hoping Chuck Norris would reply.
Envy, using his pwnful sneaking skillz, grabbed the remaining bagels and slipped out of the kitchen. Wrath was still distracted over the tragedy that had befallen his beloved cookies, and Sloth and Lust kept repeating, "Nowai!" to each other, still with that danged wave.
And soon, Envy was in his room. He once again began munching the bagels, completely immune to the world.
Until, the bag was empty. No, no! He needed more bagels! They were good, so good! He needed to feed his new fetish. He needed bagels! Envy twitched his way over to the cooking book area, collapsing and face-planting half-way there. He lay there, unconscious. A few moments later, he randomly shot back up and continued his mission, searching through every page of every book to locate pictures of bagels, and anything that looked like them. Now, why did Envy have cooking books in his room? Because Lina said so, and we all know she pwns your soul. Besides, who doesn't have cooking books in their room? Oh, just me then? Alrighty…awkward. Ahem.
Envy sat in his room, two hours after eating the initial bagel that spurred his insatiable addiction. Before him, was his bagel shrine. It was hidden within his closet, as he wanted to keep the fact that he was obsessed with bagels a secret. His pride couldn't take Sloth's gloating about her being right about him eating bagels.
Envy stared at each picture lovingly, and his jaws slavered hungrily.
"Envy~ I'm coming in~" Wrath's singsong voice drifted through the door and reached Envy's ears.
He barely managed to shove his bagel shrine into his closet before Wrath pranced into his room.
"Hi, En--"
"No! I'm not obsessed with bagels! Nowai! Chuck Norris wasn't a delusion! Nuh-uh!" Envy remarked quickly, his eyes darting around the room and resting upon his closet, where his bagel shrine was.
"Riiiiight." Wrath blinked, puzzled, waltzing into the room and proceeding to jump on the bed. With a bleep, Envy's computer blinked on, telling him he just got an e-mail. Groaning angrily at Wrath, he stomped to check who had e-mailed him.
It was Lust. Who was in the room right next to him. Jeez, what was the world coming to?
"ZoMGGG ENeEe!!!!!11111!!!!!11111 LyK G11t YaSezVV 1nToo lyk t33h KIIIchIcKen!!!!1111111!!!one!!!!!!!!!!
~LyK UsT"
Envy scratched his head, unable to read the horribly written words. Why couldn't she have simply gotten up and told him herself? Why was e-mail taking over the world? Why was Envy still wearing a bathrobe when he could have easily gotten dressed in less than a minute?
Some questions can never, and would never, be answered.
"Hey, Wrath, you speak idiot. Get over here." Envy commanded gruffly, and Wrath grudgingly, but obediently bounced over.
"It says: Zomg Envy! Like, get yourself into like, the kitchen! ~Like, Lust" Wrath translated.
Instead of saying thank you, Envy simply slapped Wrath in the head, laughed at him for being able to read it in the first place, and dashed off to the kitchen, beginning to twitch as he thought of the bagels he could be eating. He wanted to tell Lust off for giving him a morning headache in person.
But thoughts of vengeance left the cunning Envy's head as he arrived in the kitchen. A miracle awaited him there. Bagels. Everywhere. Unfortunately, Sloth and Lust were also in the kitchen, watching him with devious gleams in their eyes; eyes so much like his own. And when his eyes had that gleam, it was never a good thing.
Envy barely managed to restrain himself from lunging and gobbling up every bagel in sight.
"Zomg Nowai! Bagels~" Wrath's annoyingly cheerful voice sang as he danced into the kitchen, beginning to munch on a plain bagel without any invitation. A surge of jealousy and loathing shot through Envy and he twitched.
"Don't you want some, Envy?" Lust and Sloth mocked together, picking out their own bagels and beginning to eat. "Oh, that's right! I forgot! Envy swore he would never eat a bagel as long as he was undead!" Sloth gasped, as if she had just remembered.
A low growl escaped Envy's throat, but it was inaudible.
"Unless, of course, you were lying Envy. I mean, I'm sure you would be jealous if you were lying." Lust told, winking and taking a dramatic bite out of a bagel.
Envy couldn't control himself. In a blur of green hair and bathrobe, Envy lunged toward the mountain of bagels, helping himself to half a dozen to start.
He ignored Sloth's exultant smirk at this, and continued to munch on bagels. They were addictive, those bagels.
"Hmph. Any more lies you'd like to confess, Envy?" Sloth grinned smugly.
"Yep." Envy told. "Of course it makes you look fat, Lust!" Envy scoffed, rolling his eyes at Lust. "Yes, I brought all that peanut butter into the house and I told Master you did it so you would have to clean up," Envy continued, grinning wickedly and raising his eyebrows scornfully at Sloth. "And, Wrath, I did drop that carrot muffin you were eating this morning on the floor!" Envy finished, cackling at his own evilness.
"Nowai!" Wrath, Lust, and Sloth snarled together. And, the three furious Sins lunged like no other Sins have ever lunged before. And they made Envy suffer. The cruelty of their torture was simply unimaginable. Wrath, Sloth, and Lust tickled Envy, taking advantage of the fact he was swamped in bagels and unable to move.
"Ahaha! I'M GONNA KILL YOU GUYS-- Ahahahaha!! STOP IT NOW YOU-- Ahahahaha!" It was a peculiar sound. Uproarious laughing interrupted by outbursts of vengeance and redemption. But, at least none of the bagels were hurt.
I think there is a lesson to be learned here. No, of course it's not lying is bad and you should never lie because lies will catch up to you eventually! What a stupid lesson that would be! The lesson is, A) Never admit more than one lie at once! Envy learned the hard way, and he had to suffer through tickle torture. Don't be like Envy. And, B) Never swear that you will never eat a bagel as long as you are undead. Because next thing you know, someone will fling one into your mouth and the bagel addiction will spread.
~La Fin~
A/N: HOLY SHIZ I WROTE THIS LONG AGO. xD
These are the final notes I added upon the original completion:
Yay! I'm done my third fanfic! ^^ Now, I have a few "thank you's". Firstly, thanks to my bestest friend Claire, who gave me the inspriration for 'Envy's bagels' simply by eating a bagel while talking to me over the phone. xD
Of course, thanks to Emjay, who gave me the lime green spork I used to thwack Envy in the head in the fanfic. xDDD You rock, Emjayz!
And Lissy gave me some good ideas! xDD Thankies, love!
And thanks to everyone who participated in the fanfic. And no, Envy. Your insurance doesn't cover spork to the head, so stop asking! And, unfortunately, I don't own any characters of Fullmetal Alchemist. I just think a lot about them. xD