I guess we've established that relatives can be pesky at times. "Pesky" is an understatement when it comes to Commodus Gadus Snape. I am left but to wonder how annoying one can get… My friends and I still laugh about it from time to time.
It all started that night, at three in the morning…
My Sixth-Worst Nightmare
I stared at the ceiling, mesmerized by the violent storm outside. This is my favourite type of weather. It reminds me of memories past. It was in one of these overly sentimental periods that I heard the sound that from that night on signalized something… ah, irksome. I heard something break just outside the door to Woodsmanor.
"Hic - Reparo!" I heard someone say outside. They were not bothering to keep their voice down, not even in a building teeming with Death Eaters. I waited with baited breath, my wand instinctively raised.
"Hello?" the abysmally foolish person shouted. Throwing caution to the winds, the someone outside grabbed the doorknob and frantically started twisting and turning it. Probably by accident, they opened the double doors.
The person staring bemusedly at me was a pale, scrawny, dark-haired, black-clad, very drunk boy not older than eighteen. His cloak was turned inside-out and his much too large shirt was untucked and overflowing over his much too long trousers. A bolt of lightning thundered in the background as he opened the doors, giving the situation the wrong effect. But there was something fishy about his glinting black eyes…
"What are you looking at?" he shouted at no one in particular. The words barely left his mouth when I threw myself at him, knocking him down. I pointed my wand at his throat.
"Who are you? What are you doing here?" I hissed in his ear. I was almost knocked backwards by the unbearable aura of pure homemade vodka protruding from his putrid breath as he breathed. He coughed and colossal flowers erupted from the tip of his wand. The stranger jumped to his feet.
"Commodus Gadus Snape, at your service ma'am!" he yelled, bowing low, "I come here in search of my long-lost cousin, Severus! Care to join me?" he asked someone about twenty feet to my left. He held out his arm, his sleeve hanging hopelessly.
"Severus?" I repeated in disbelief. Commodus swayed on the spot. Abandoning my intentions to kill him, I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and dragged him up the stairs. I wound my way through the labyrinthine corridors of the third floor heading for Snape's chamber. He chose this location just to be as far as he could from me. I saw the door of his district at the end of the corridor.
"SEVERUS!" I roared, not even trying to keep my voice down myself. I threw open the door of his bedroom. He woke up with a start.
"Fade! What are you doing here?" he shouted acidly.
"Does this," I shook Commodus, "belong to you?"
Commodus stopped mumbling about pretty pink ponies and caught sight of Severus. His face broke into a drunken grin.
"Severus, how wonderful to see you! I lost track of you after you ran away at my sixteenth birthday party! Come, join me, dear cousin, let us once again pursue our adventures in Sunshine World, the land of happiness, joy, and cute, fluffy, pink, bunny-rabbits!"
I dropped Commodus.
"Sunshine World?" I mouthed. My expression turned from anger to maniacal glee.
"Don't ask…" Severus muttered, burying his face in his hand, "Commodus, what are you doing here?"
"Why must I repeat myself? I come in hopes of finding you, and, as you can see, I have succeeded!"
He broke free of my renewed grip and started cheering and punching the air, "Yes, I, Commodus, have accomplished my goal! Commodus, Commodus, he is our man! If he can't do it, nobody can! Yeah, everyone loves Commodus, thank you, Amsterdam, good night!" he said as he swept off a non-existent hat and fell unconscious on his cousin's bed.
Severus leapt off his bed, accidentally dragging the sheets off. Commodus spun off the bed and fell in a heap at the edge, his head lolling on the mattress. Apparently, he was too drunk to wake up. He started snoring loudly at once. I watched him for a few seconds, hardly daring to believe it. Another member of the Snape clan. What more could one ask for in a perfect nightmare? Severus looked up at me, the look of disgust still on his face.
"Did I do something to you? Did I hurt you in some way?"
"Yes."
"How did this even happen?" he asked, ignoring my last remark.
"I don't know! He came in and started shouting about his long-lost cousin. Some idiot by the name of Severus."
"I can't believe this! It's like being twenty-four all over again!" he said, smacking his face.
"Come on, Severus, surely you can escape again," I said encouragingly. Snape looked at me in suspicion.
"Where did you go to last time? Sunshine World?" I snickered.
"Why must you do this?" he said, pulling his hair, his hands slipping over the grease, making him all the more anguished.
"And why must I help you? If he irks you so, what have I got to lose? You know me, I would never miss an opportunity like this," I sneered. Snape muttered something about not knowing Commodus. I paid no heed to him.
To this day, I partially regret not helping Severus get rid of his idiotic cousin. By the next morning, I thought Commodus would have recovered and would today be a completely different person. I was sadly mistaken. By seven o'clock, I couldn't wait any longer. I ran up the stairs and snaked my way through the third floor. I ran into Severus outside his door. He was pounding his head against the wall with his eyes closed.
"Have you not made any attempt to get rid of him?" I asked.
"And what use have you been? Weren't you the one that brought him here?" he grumbled darkly.
"No, no, actually--"
"Hold it!" he interrupted me, "You're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you?" he said, suddenly alert.
"And just why not?"
"You don't know Commodus, you don't know what he's capable of!"
"Well-- Wait a minute, why would you care about me? I may have trusted you in some situations in the past, something that I have been proved wrong in doing many times… Anyway, no, I do not know what he's capable of, and from where I'm standing, it sounds like something good. Now, if you will excuse me," I pushed past him and into the room.
Commodus seemed to have managed to heave himself onto the bed. He looked like some gooey, black liquid spilled on my arch-nemesis's bed. Commodus lay there, happily sucking his thumb. Severus came in after me. I looked at both cousins in turn. I approached his bed to shake Commodus awake, but thought better of it and backed off.
"Would you do the honours?"
Severus glared at me and walked over to Commodus. He took his wand out from the pocket of his robes and pointed it at Commodus. I thought he would poke him awake or something. But, no, Severus aimed at his face and shot a shower of blue sparks up his nose. Commodus sneezed himself awake.
"Hey, what's up, Sev?"
"Er… shall we?" he turned to be and jerked his head towards the door. I followed him out.
"When do we eat? I want breakfast in bed!" Commodus called out as we exited.
"OK. What's up, Sev?" I asked once we were out of earshot.
"Shut up. I don't know what to do to him yet, but--"
"Let's give him a chance. Maybe he'll change."
Snape sighed.
"I told you, he--" he began, "Actually, I kind of want to see what happens…"
"I'm glad you see my side of it. But first we have to report him to the Dark Lord."
"What? 'We'?" he looked at me in bewilderment.
"You're right," I agreed. "Not it!" I said at once.
"Not it!" Severus said a split second after me.
"Damn it!" he cursed. He went inside to get Commodus. They both came out a few minutes later. Commodus looked very strange in Severus's clothes. I figured the clothes he wore last night once belonged to Severus, too. I stifled a fit of laughter at the sight of the pair of them. Commodus looked like he was dissolving under the clothes Severus lent him. I pretended to go downstairs but doubled back when they went to meet the Dark Lord. I tiptoed back and listened intently. I heard the Dark Lord's voice inside.
"YOU WHAT?"
Severus hastily said something.
"What made you think… mumble, mumble… could you not… mumble… rid of him… mumble, mumble, mumble…" I heard the Dark Lord.
"Mumble, mumble… not my idea, my Lord…" Severus began but stopped immediately.
"Leave us."
I ran down the stairs as quietly as I could. I managed to slump into an armchair just as Snape came in and did the same.
"And?" I urged him.
"He's asking him questions as we speak."
"You think he will become a Death Eater?"
"I'd rather die."
"That can be arranged," I said nonchalantly.
He glared at me. The minutes passed in silence, until…
"YEEEEEEES!" A shrill cry pierced the muffled silence. Commodus bounded into the room.
"NOOOOOOO!" A second scream filled my ears, this time coming from Severus.
"What?" Commodus said, confused, "I was celebrating about the cookies…" he pointed to a plate on the table.
"Oh, never mind then," said Severus, greatly relieved as he handed him the plate of chocolate-chip cookies, "I knew I should've poisoned these…" he muttered.
"And?" I said again.
"And what?"
"Did you make it?"
"Make what?" he looked at Severus as if asking for instructions.
"Did you become a Death Eater?"
"Oh, that. Yeah, I figured 'why not?', you know," he said through a mouthful of cookies.
"NOOOOOOO!" Severus screamed again, this time more gruffly.
I pulled out my wand and raised my eyebrows enquiringly at him, asking him if he wants the sweet release of death now.
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