So...this is my first FF. I've been contemplating writing one for over a year but there was always something that stopped me. Today courage stuck so I want to publish before I lose my nerve.

Please review and comment, whenever I read stories I'm hesitant to review but even a few words would be appreciated. I would love your thoughts, both good and bad, but please make them constructive. The first chapter is supposed to be a bit ambiguous but that will get cleared up in time. Thanks for reading!

The Fifty Shades Trilogy and the characters from there belong to E.L. James.

Chapter 1 – Shared Fault

I know I should have told him, I've always known that. There was never a second, not a moment, during all this when I thought that the path I had chosen was the right one. There were a thousand reasons that telling him was the right thing to do and only one reason not to tell him…fear. In the end though I couldn't over come that fear. I tried telling him in every way imaginable, so many times that it became ridiculous. I typed his number into my phone without hitting send, composed text messages that got deleted instead of sent, and wrote letters and cards that were never mailed. Hell, I even showed up at his office one day only to run like a woman possessed when his new PA, Claire, said those dreaded words, "Mr. Grey will see you now."

The ironic thing about all this not telling was that it only served to make him ever more present in my life. I thought about him constantly and the guilt was overwhelming. It wasn't just that Christian didn't know, although thinking about that was enough to make me double over with the weigh of it, it was that no one did. Not Grace or Carrick, Elliot, Mia, or Kate, even my mother didn't know. My mom and I never really had a solid relationship and I couldn't take the judgment and condemnation I knew would come if I told her. I had enough of that on my own. The only person that did know was my father and he hated what I was doing. Actually, hate is a ridiculous understatement of what he felt but as he has been since the day I met him, Ray has been supportive and loving.

So I made my choice and moved forward. All the while trying to convince myself that I had done the only thing I could do. I couldn't stay in Seattle so I moved to a new city. Ray decided that he needed a fresh start too and came with us. I did all the things normal people do, I got a job and found an apartment in a cute neighborhood close to work. I tried to date, to meet new people and be a normal 28 year old. I told myself that I had done it, successfully moved on. Then one day, exactly 932 days since I had last seen or spoken to Christian Grey, the universe decided it had had enough of my lies and cowardice and put an abrupt end to it.

XX

I've always known. Ana doesn't know that I know of course. She thinks that I think she went through with it but I knew she didn't. She never would. Never could. Even for me.

I'm not sure who's more at fault, her for never telling me, or me for not telling her that I know. I do know one thing for sure, the fact that I let her go this long thinking that she's kept it from me, feeling all that guilt and doubt about what she was doing only proves this, she was right to keep it from me. She was right to never tell me or get me involved. Fuck, what kind of person does that? What kind of man does that?

I don't know how I convinced myself that I would go there and not run into her. Charleston is basically a small town masquerading as a city. I could have sent Ros or Will, I should have sent them. I told myself that I needed to go, that the company I was buying, GreenSpaces, was making some huge advances in green building and that before I signed on the dotted line I need to see the facilities for myself. I knew she was there, I have spoken to Ray once a week since the day she accepted the job there. We never talk about it, Ray and I, but he knows that I know and when I call he somehow tells me that they're ok without actually telling me anything.

Unlike Ray, my parents don't know and they are never going to forgive any of us when they find out. They didn't raise me to be a coward, to shirk my responsibly and run away but that's exactly what I've done. It's what I kept doing until I couldn't do it anymore. I'd like to be able to say that I made the choice, that I had chose to man-up and do the right thing, that's not even close to what happened. I couldn't pretend I didn't know anymore because she was standing there in front of me, they both were, and I didn't even have the wherewithal to act surprised. I just stood there.