A/N: I should be working on other projects, but this has been in my head all day and I if I don't release it my head will…implode on itself and I don't want that to happen.
I shut the laptop I have been working on for at least 4 hours, standing from my crouch and into the hunched position one would call standing. For once I have grown…bored. With work, that is.
It is six-o'clock, and from where I stand I can see the sunset, through a rather large long window in this hotel I have chosen, and I stare at it.
I am enraptured, enraptured by the beauty of a common thing; this sunset, settling over the large skyscrapers of Tokyo. Everything seems to be set aglow, illuminated by the warm colors that I have failed to realize were there before.
Vermillion, orange, chartreuse, and a whole other array of colors I cannot name fill the landscape.
My eyes, once so particular about what to look at and what the details are, droop suddenly, half-lidded, at this sight. Such beauty, such loveliness, found within an everyday thing that happens no matter what the circumstances of that day were, or what will come the next day. Either way, it is there, or I am witnessing it.
This has drawn me to think, because it seems my thoughts do not stop, and are on a never-ending repeating track, even within a seemingly time-halting occurrence.
The sun is so simple, yet complex, but is seen every day.
Like the sun, I am simple but complex, but unlike it, my existence to most people is unknown.
What I am trying to say...Is that perhaps I am a lonely person.
Yes, that must be it, and it is true.
No matter what happens in this world, I will always be alone.
No matter how many times I visit the orphanage of which I grew up in, where children swarm to me and stare up with adoring eyes. They clutch at my hands, my shirt, anywhere they can latch on to, to seek comfort, praise, and maybe even love. Even then I cannot respond with more than acknowledgement, because I don't know how.
The people I do happen to keep in contact with, however close to me they may be, Watari, for one, cannot simply reach out and touch me, emotionally or physically, because I have built a barrier around my being that keeps them out.
I cannot even contact my successors, for they have all separated themselves from each other, and then, when I think this, the loneliness becomes mixed with guilt, a dangerous cocktail.
I am alone, in my feelings.
The outside world.
And most likely in death, however soon that may be.
Death…
It brings another memory, which makes me wallow in self-pity, then mentally scold myself for this reason.
A, originally my successor, a quiet one to say the least, but intelligent. I didn't pay much attention to him, but I knew he was to be the next L, and that's all I cared about.
If only I knew the sheer pressure that was put upon him to step up to that position.
Suicide. I only cringe mentally at that.
Then this thought:
"He felt so trapped that the only escape he could attempt was death."
And BB. What he became, I blame myself for as well.
Serial killers are generally smart, and he was.
Yet, within the pressure, like A, he tried to escape too, except in a more morbid way.
Killing could only satiate the never-ending suffering he must've felt.
I stare at the now darkening sky, contemplating all of this, and I watch as the first star slowly appears.
A lone star, tiny, unimportant to the human eye.
And for a moment I pity the star, so much like myself.
I turn back to my work, crouching in my position.
Pity is a horrible emotion, and God forbid anyone come in, and see me like this, drowning in my own pity, loneliness, and never-ending self-hate.