Disclaimer: Mass Effect and all its characters and settings and items and anything else related do not belong to me nor do I lay any claim towards them.
To the best of my knowledge and understanding they are the property of Bioware and EA and other people or companies unknown to me. This sorry excuse for a plot is mine though as is the mysterious Man/Being.
I do not earn any money through this piece and it is created solely for the purpose of entertainment and/or perhaps education(unlikely as it may be) of those who read it and it is of course free.
If you liked this story then please consider supporting the companies and people who own Mass Effect by purchasing the games, videos, comics, toys and various other related merchandise and items.
(I suggest you listen to Gunbuster March, and/or the Commander Shepard song by miracleofsound while reading this piece :D)
"Now see here..." said Admiral Hackett before the giant energy portal in the middle of the room interrupted him, that and the music which was playing from nowhere.
"Ahh-" said the Being as the bright circle shattered into pieces to reveal his form, "its always fun when I do that!"
Looking around the flagstabbered room he approached the admiral, "Here, take these and go build a functional super weapon instead of that kiddie thing you got going on for you." he said while throwing some schematics to Hackett and his omni tool.
"Wha-what?" was all the poor man managed to say.
"Oh! Before I forget you will find that quite a few sparks have appeared in your universe, with the obvious exception being the squids of course. Well toodles!"
As the Man approached the center of the room a new portal appeared, the security teams having regained enough cognitive function tried to apprehend him. He appeared oblivious to the massive Dakka impacting his form all the while bad whistling could be heard, "Lets go, lets go exelion.."
With a sound similar to that of plugging a toilet leak the warped space disappeared along with the super Being.
Admiral Hackett waited, then he waited some more before with a sigh he facepalmed, "Security tell me you saw this?" he mumbled under his palm.
The scared and confused camera technicians could only reply in the positive, "Ye-yes we did Admiral although we have no idea what just happened."
Said Admiral only sighed, 'Well lets look at these schematics, its not like I have anything to lose.'
As he read the plans his eyebrows kept climbing higher and higher, after finishing he calmly transferred the files to all the nearby technicians and into central command before calmly approaching a wall.
'Bang' 'BANG'
"Admiral wait!" screamed one of the scientists as she attempted to help the poor man.
Amidst the fighting a huge circular, and did I say glowing portal appeared, with music accompanying it of course.
"All ships, fall back. The package has arrived." said a madly grinning Admirall Hackett while wearing some weird glasses.
Just as he finished saying that the front of the portal shattered and out came...a huge Mako look alike.
"Fighting is fu-What?!" was the only thing Harbringer could transmit thanks to what he was looking at.
"Shepard here all systems report green, do I have permission to engage?" asked the hope of the galaxy.
"We are all counting on you Commander, GO!" said Anderson.
Following his friend's order Hackett took over, "all ships engage protective measures, operation Shepard is loose has begun."
As he said that huge ear plugs and glasses similar to his, aka Kamina shaped, only opaque appeared on every allied ship.
And not a moment to soon, a huge naked holo-projection of the Commander appeared on top of the Mako. While the reapers collectively shat their pants Shepard prepared and...started to dance.
"This hurt...error...us! Sto...this!" screamed Harbringer, the other squids expressing similar sentiments to the atrocious sight of the hundred kilometer Commander dancing.
After the machines suffered sufficient damage, and more importantly Shepard showed to everyone what dancing was all about the immense hologram disappeared. Much to the relief of friends and foes alike.
Just as the reapers were about to breath a figurative breath of relief Shepard started driving, mechanical screams were heard everywhere.
Meanwhile on the Normandy things were quite different.
"Hey Joker open up! The view from Samara's room is just not adequate." screamed Garrus while he banged his fist on the locked cockpit.
"Edi you are awesome!" mumbled the happy pilot.
"Thank you Jeff, how about next time we revisit the thanix cannon?" asked Edi in a pleased tone.
Garrus turned green at that, an impressive feat for a turian.
"Guys-" he asked as he turned to his comrades, "please tell me that Edi is not in there and what she just said wasn't true."
"Sorry big guy I am afraid it is," said James while patting the turian on the back, "and they are doing it in there." he added as an afterthought.
"Whyyy, I did not need that mental image. Also I am purging the cannon in fire" screamed Garrus in anguish.
"Oh come on, its not that bad Garrus. He could have left the door open." said Liara.
Poor Garrus fainted.
Back in the battlefield Shepard grew bored of simply driving the Mako around.
In the citadel the catalyst dared to open its eyes again as the abomination against nature stopped for a moment.
Before anything could be said the top of the Mako opened up as something rose from within, it was a giant Shepard and this time not just a hologram.
The Commander's arms were of course in a Badass Arm-Fold!
The bane of reapers and virgins virginity everywhere spoke at last while the epic music had resumed playing, "SHE...PARD...COMMANDER!" and with that the giant commander lunged.
All squids and unfortunately the citadel as well were eradicated within seconds, the latter thanks to a barrage of 'Shepard beamu', hey the commander wanted to try all the weapons available in the giant mecha.
Hackett reading the reports from the computer that the danger had passed canceled the 'sanity preservers', "Shepard good work, head back to base"
A nod was the robot's and the commander's within only answer before a portal sprung to life.
Thanks to all that new technology being created by a multitude of sparks random stuff happened from time to time, being ejected into a new dimension counted as one of them.
With a shoulder shrug Shepard decided to land while the systems repaired themselves so a jump back home could be made.
As the Commander exited the giant look alike to land on this alternate earth a weird human female approached from the sky of all things.
She landed next to Shepard as said Commander felt something similar to what the leviathans did only far gentler and not as intrusive.
After finishing her mind reading the woman had literal hearts in her three eyes. Wait three?
"I am Kaguya, also known as the rabbit goddess around these parts." spoke the obviously smitten woman now known as Kaguya to the baffled commander.
Shepard only thought one thing before Hinata's distant ancestor started kissing, 'A new place and hotties already want to sleep with me, Kirk's got nothing on me.'
The end?
(Author's Notes) This short crack piece came to be after thinking on Shepard's driving and dancing skills, or lack thereof.
Also I purposely left the Commander's gender ambiguous for the reader's pleasure.
And yes Kaguya is the mother of the sage of the six paths from Naruto, now you know who the father is and why said series is quite awesome from time to time. After all everything touched by Shepard turns awesome, for the whiners amongst you I don't know how Shepard impregnated Kaguya if the Commander was female but it probably was awesome. After all when has something being impossible stopped the Commander before?
P.s. I wrote this while listening to Gunbuster march on repeat myself, as well as Impressive!March of the exelion (same piece more or less but with awesome vocals)
P.s.2. Go watch Cosmos a space time odyssey, when this piece was written episode 4 was available. At least so far it has been anything but disappointing.
P.s.3 I will watch Kill la kill, expect impressions.