Author's Note: This was inspired by the episode where all the males but Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave go through a metrosexual phase. Did anyone else notice that throughout the entire episode, Tweek didn't twitch or spasm once? He's never been completely still before in any previous episode, or any later ones. This made me think, and you all know what happens when I think.

Vladimir: Some weird ass shit.

Me: Exactly. So, I hope you enjoy this what-if story.

Disclaimer: I was born after South Park was created. Come at me, bro.

/OO/

Tweek Tweak was a very consistent person. He drank the same type of coffee every night. He wore the same kind of shirt every day, incorrectly buttoned in the same places every time. He even had a before-bed ritual of checking for gnomes, just in case they decided to come back and start stealing his underpants again. Tweek didn't like change. So when Craig approached him at his house one day with what was undoubtedly the gayest outfit he'd ever seen on him, he handled it in a very Tweek-like fashion.

"D-dude! W-what the hell are you wearing?!"Craig's usual hat was missing, and his black hair had been evenly parted down the middle and pressed flat against his head with some sort of gel that made it shine. He was wearing pink sunglasses with blinds, a dark pink jacket with a white-furred collar, and a white T-shirt with a pink triangle necklace over it. He had light pink pants on, and a pink and white belt holding them up. Overall... Pretty fucking gay choice for an outfit.

Craig laughed and walked closer to Tweek, putting an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close. "Tweeky, darling, it's not gay, it's metrosexual. I'm just loving it."

Tweek blushed a bright red at Craig's words and actions, twitching and yelling a little. "Gah! Why did you call me T-Tweeky?! And w-why are you touching me like this?! Ah, it's too much pressure!"

"Tweeky, just go with it. You know, every male in town's gone tooootally metro. Even Clyde and Token. You should so get in on it, Tweeky. You're gonna love it, promise." Craig smiled at Tweek, rubbing his arm in a soothing manner.

"R-really? Even Token? Oh Jesus, what about Cartman?" Now THAT was something he didn't want to see. It was just too weird to imagine someone like Cartman dressing and talking the way Craig was right now. It was almost too much seeing Craig like tihs. It was so strange and unlike the Craig he knew!

Craig nodded, frowning a bit. "ESPECIALLY Cartman. If he thinks he can outmetro me, he's got another thing coming! So Tweeky, what do you say? Will you come to the metro side?"

"N-no!" Tweek yelled. "I don't want to! I-I'm happy the way I am now! And s-stop calling me Tweeky!"

"But Tweeky, it's cute~ Besides, me, Token and Clyde already put together an outfit for you to wear! I'm sure you'll love it." He called the others in, Token and Clyde being dressed in a similar fashion to Craig, and holding a ridiculous outfit that matched theirs. "So, what do you think?"

Tweek bit his lip, looking at the clothes before him. 'I-I'd look so ridiculous in that... I f-fucking hate it!' He looked at Craig, opening his mouth to tell him no, then closed it. He couldn't do it... Not when Craig was smiling at him and giving him such a hopeful look. "...F-fine."

Craig grinned and clapped his hands together. "Great! Alright boys, let's make him metro!" Token and Clyde advanced on the blonde with big smiles, and what followed next was sheer torture for Tweek.

/OO/

Tweek stood in front of a mirror, looking at himself in discomfort as he tugged at the fabric of the ridiculous pink jacket he wore. 'I-I fucking hate pink...' He was now not only dressed just like Craig, Clyde, and Token, but his hair had also been styled in a hideous manner. Tweek's normally wild hair was now slicked down, though it was still somewhat wavy, and had been dyed an even brighter blonde color than before.

"Well Tweeky?" Craig asked in a sickeningly cheerful voice so unlike his usual monotone manner of speaking, "what do you think of your new look? Isn't it simply fabulous? I especially love the brown roots in your hair! You've never looked better!"

Tweek's head violently twitched to his right, but he stayed silent, not wanting to upset Craig. 'T-the brown in my hair is what I hate the m-most!' He regretted agreeing to this ridiculous new fashion, but if he'd known how he would have looked like from the start, he'd probably have done it anyway just to please Craig.

Token frowned and shook his head, the new dreads in his hair swinging as he did. "Oh dear, that won't do. All this twitching and shaking and st-t-tuttering of yours has got to stop, Tweekers. It just isn't fashionable to spazz out like that."

Tweek's mouth dropped open at this, staring at Token in disbelief. Sure, people had made fun of his twitchiness before, but no one had ever so blatantly said it needed to stop! And for a reason as stupid as fashion? That was just insulting. "B-but I can't just stop, dude! You don't think that I would if I could?! Oh Jesus, I hate being like this, but there isn't s-shit I can do about it!"

Craig grinned, an unsettling sight to any close to him, and reached into his pocket. "Oh, but you can, Tweeky! You see, I planned ahead for something like this. We know it's not your fault, and we know we can't just ask you and poof, you'll calm down. Sooo..." Craig pulled a bag of a familiar-looking substance from his pocket, holding it out proudly. "I got a little something to make you calm down!"

The room went quiet, all the boys staring at Craig with varying degrees of surprise on their faces. The silence lasted for a few moments, broken only by Tweek's sputtering. "Craig..." Clyde tentatively asked, "is... Is that pot? Did you get pot just to get Tweek to relax?"

"Nope!" Craig was quick to correct, holding up a single finger. "It's cannabis. There's a difference. It's not like we're gonna get him addicted or anything, it's just to get him to calm down. See Tweek?" Craig looked directly at the trembling blonde. "I do care about you! Specifically about making sure you're as fashionable as possible."

Tweek's mouth opened and closed like a goldfish out of his bowl, left completely stunned at the lengths Craig had gone to for this cause. "Y-you expect me to take drugs?!" he finally managed to get out after a minute. "I can't! I-it's illegal and I'll go to jail and do you know what would happen to me in jail I would get raped so hard by all the other inmates and I'd end up with more STDs than birthdays and-"

"Tweek!" Craig yelled, his eyes changing from carefree to stern in a split second, effectively silencing the spastic blonde. "You're going to eat this. We're going to bake it into a brownie for you and you're going to eat it and calm the fuck down, got it sweetheart?"

Tweek shook in place, but bowed his head. "O-okay." In the end, he didn't have it in him to truly oppose Craig, even when the other was in such a ridiculous state. No matter how much he hated this, Tweek would never risk making Craig angry at him. He had seen Craig's anger, his true anger, only once before when they'd fought and landed each other in the hospital. He didn't want to experience it again.

"Good." Craig clapped his hands together with a smile, the plastic bag dangling from one of them. "We'll go downstairs and get started, since your parents are at the coffee shop. You can stay up here, Tweek. Come on boys, we're only one step away from making him perfect!"

Clyde and Token cheered, following Craig as their leader turned and strode out of Tweek's room, disappearing downstairs. As the noise faded, Tweek looked at himself in the mirror, picking up a strand of his highlighter yellow hair. "J-Jesus Christ. What have I gotten myself into?"

/OO/

Author's Note: So I actually did research on this little topic right here. Tweek's always twitchy and spazzy, and him giving up coffee temporarily is about as likely as me growing wings. In other words, it ain't happening. So... Drugs. Cheap, affordable drugs. Hope you found this interesting, lovelies. I'll be adding more chapters in time, but for now, don't forget to review! It always makes me feel warm and fuzzy reading your kind words.