Mama, Papa
Forgive me
I know my parents wouldn't be happy about my feelings towards her. My mom already hated it when I moved in with Sean and fell in love with him. To my dad I'm still his little girl. But I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm a teenager with raging hormones and they're all directed towards one person... Paige Michalchuk.
Out of sight
Out of mind
Out of time
To decide
When I don't have her around, the world seems so dark and desolate. Her bright blue eyes light up the world around me. I see a flash of blonde hair and I wonder if it's her. She knows this too. But we have to pretend that we aren't together. We have to keep up appearances.
Do we run?
Should I hide?
For the rest
Of my life
I hate hiding from the rest of the world. I don't care who knows that Paige and I are together. The outcast and the queen bee.. who would've thought. There are only two people in the whole world who know about me and Paige. That's Marco and Dylan. We all gather in Dylan's dorm for Friday night movies. We rent ancient movies that are crappy and chick flicks and just sit there, two couples in love. Those are the moments I live for, the moments when I'm in her arms or she's in mine. I don't like hiding. I feel like I'm not being true to myself.
Can we fly?
Do I stay?
We could lose
We could fail
But Paige has told me why she fears coming out. She's afraid of what people will think. She's afraid of what will happen if we break up. She's so terrified of letting the world know that we're together. But lately she's been talking about telling a few people. She mentioned telling Hazel, who we all know is secrecy deficient. I only know that because she told me... I don't really know Hazel that well. Part of me is afraid too. What if people don't take it well and Paige just dumps me?
In the moment
It takes
To make plans
Or mistakes
So now we're on my bed in my bedroom discussing what we want to do. We don't know if we want to tell anyone or not. But we know we want to make our decision before school today. We have to leave in half an hour. We have so little time to make up our minds. Do we tell Hazel and Ashley? Do we let Craig and Alex and Spinner and the whole world know that we're together? Can we really walk down the halls of Degrassi Community School holding hands, kissing in the halls like Craig and Ashley.
30 minutes, a blink of an eye
30 minutes,to alter our lives
30 minutes,to make up my mind
30 minutes,to finally decide
Thirty short minutes. We have thirty minutes to make up our minds and to decide whether we continue our lie or we become honest to our friends. We have so many choices yet only two. We tell or we don't. We either come out of the closet or stay in there, cramped and hidden in the dark amongst the millions other wondering this same thing. I know what I want to do. I want to tell everyone. I want the world to know that I love Paige Michalchuk, but it isn't that easy.
30 minutes,to whisper your name
30 minutes,to shoulder the blame
30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies
30 minutes,to finally decide
We aren't talking much. Just holding each other tight, thinking thoughts uniquely our own. I wonder what's on her mind. Is she wanting to tell like I'm wanting to tell or is she secure in letting the world think of her as perfect Paige. I don't have those expectations so I never have to worry.
Carousels
In the sky
That we shape
With our eyes
To everyone else in the world I'm perfect. They don't know that I hold a big secret inside. No, it's not that I was raped. Everyone knows that. It's how I feel towards someone else. Someone who saw my ripped heart and decided to make it their mission to repair it, along with their own. This is someone that I never thought that I could love. But I do love her. I love Ellie Nash. But no one knows this. We have to put up the image that we're just friends, casual acquaintances.
Under shade
Silhouettes
Casting shade
Crying rain
I remember our first kiss. We were leaving Dylan's dorm room and it was pouring down rain. We just looked at each other. I don't know what she was thinking, but I know what thoughts were mine. I was thinking about how Marco and Dylan are so happy and I'm so miserable. I remember thinking that I live a lie every day because the one person that I had feelings for didn't know it. I saw a glimpse of something in her dark eyes. Then I just went for it. I went totally Nike and kissed her. Her lips on mine was the best thing I'd ever felt. It felt better than kissing Spin. From that moment on, we were a couple. Only we were a secret, at my request.
Can we fly?
Do I stay?
We could lose
We could fail
I'm terrified to tell anyone. What if something happens and Ellie and I break up. Then everyone will know the heartache inside. Ellie thinks it's because I don't want people to know I'm gay. I don't care about that. I just don't want them to see my hurt another time. I remember the pitying glances after me and Spin broke up. I was no longer someone's honeybee. But that didn't matter because for the last months of our relationship, every time I saw a flash of auburn hair, no matter whose it was, my heart would skip a beat. I'm just so terrified to tell anyone. What if I lose Ellie? Then people would witness my heartbreak again.
Either way
Options change
Chances fail
Trains derail
But I could lose her any way. It doesn't have to be us breaking up. Something could happen, another school shooting, and she could end up dead. Her mother could be driving drunk with her in the car and kill her. Anything could happen and I know that without her I'd be so sad. I'd feel like I was insulting her memory by not letting people know. Sure, Dylan and Marco know. But no one else does. I mean, how could I tell them? I mean, the fear of losing Ellie consumes me and I don't know what to do about it. But something else could happen, losing her in a different way, and I could never have let people know how amazing she was.
30 minutes, a blink of an eye
30 minutes,to alter our lives
30 minutes,to make up my mind
30 minutes,to finally decide
School starts in half an hour. We've got to make our decision by then. Today is when we make up our mind to tell everyone or to just stay in our closet. I like the closet, but in it, I can't hold her hand at school and kiss her at the Dot... all the things I want to do so desperately. I have to make up my mind. I have thirty minutes. I know what I want. I know I want the world to know I love her. I want to shout it from the rooftops but I'm still so scared. I have to conquer this fear. I know I'm ready. I want to tell everyone.
30 minutes,to whisper your name
30 minutes,to shoulder the blame
30 minutes,of bliss, thirty lies
30 minutes,to finally decide
But right now, I just want to hold her. I just want to smell her hair, it always smells like strawberries because of her shampoo. It's perfect because of the color. I use coconut now. Only because she mentioned one time that she loves the smell of coconut. I wish I knew what she was thinking. I don't know if she's ready but I know I am. I want to tell everyone that I'm in love with Ellie Nash.
To decide
To decide, to decide, to decide
Marco honked his car horn outside of Ellie's house. Paige and Ellie jumped up off the bed, giving each other a quick kiss.
"I want to tell everyone," Paige said suddenly. "I hate hiding us. I think you're beautiful and I love you and I want the world to know."
"I want the world to know too Paige," Ellie whispered. "And I love you too."
They shared a kiss and grabbed their backpacks. Both were nervous, but as they held each others hand, they felt calmer than before. They didn't feel as though the fear would consume them. They felt free. They finally felt free.