"All this because I didn't get you a desk?" Mulder asked as he stared at the shaken partner he thought he knew through and through. Her stunt these last few days caused him to worry for her, considering it was usually him that needed rescuing. He could see that she was avoiding something, but didn't want to pry and completely push her away. He only hoped that whatever caused this small act of rebellion would soon be out of her system.
"Not everything is about you, Mulder. This is my life." She said exasperated with the man sitting across from her. She knew she was being foolish during her excursion in Philadelphia, but she had never felt more alive. The rush of the mysterious stranger, the needle piercing her skin, and the formalities of her life all left to be broken, made her feel exhilarated. As much as she knew she should apologize for the mayhem that she caused, she felt there was no point, not anymore.
"Yes, but it's my..." He paused, realizing that exhaustion was going to make him slip up about his true feelings. She gave him a puzzled look, and he let out a heavy sigh. He knew there was a discussion to be had, one that they were both avoiding.
"It's your what, Mulder? Your job to keep me in line, make sure that I'm abiding by every rule set before me? Here's the reality of the situation that you seem to be twisting in your head - I needed a few days, to escape from all of this, from you. Yes, I lost some of my inhibitions along the way, but those were my choices. Regardless of the outcome of that trip, I've never felt so intoxicated on a life that I've been missing out on." She said with annoyance in her speech, directed at him. He winced at the tone in her voice, and exhaled deeply at the misunderstanding of his half-said sentiments.
"That's not what I was going to say, Scully." He said gently, hoping to calm the tension so evidently rising in the room. "I'm just worried about you. This, all of this, isn't like you. I'm not saying I don't welcome a change of demeanor, but it makes me question the reasoning behind it. You can tell me anything, I hope you know that."
She licked her lips, deep in thought, trying to mask the true emotions daring to escape. She wasn't ready to include anyone, especially Mulder, in on her little secret. She knew that the time was coming, to disclose her diagnosis with him, but she wanted to enjoy this small solace of denial, before having to face the truth.
"I do know that, but like I said, not everything in my life concerns you. I'm exhausted, so I'm heading out if you don't need anything else from me." She said as she stood, implying the finality of the conversation that they weren't having. He wordlessly nodded at her, and she made her exit. Mulder sat back in his chair, and mulled over the events of the past few days in his head, trying to piece together the reason behind the madness.
It was within the next week that Mulder got the call that changed his life. He could hear the fear in Scully's voice, no matter how hard she tried to mask it with her strength. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he walked through the corridors of the hospital, hastily making his way to oncology.
She let out a heavy sigh as she heard the door open behind her, and the footsteps approach. She smiled at his light-heartedness, given their surroundings, trying to mask the worry emitting from his eyes. She read his face, and knew she needed to answer the unspoken question in the room. As she finished explaining what her diagnosis was, she could still see the nonverbal puzzlement in his eyes. This was the first time in his life that Mulder didn't want the truth.
"You're the only one I've called." She said in a small voice. The reality of the situation washing over them both. He nodded at her implied notion, neither wanting to directly address the heavy air filling the room. He found some small solace in the reality that he was the only one who shared her secret.
The past events washed over his mind, and he now knew it was how she handled the news that threatened her life. He wanted to question whether that would be her only excursion in this thrill seeking thirst that she acquired, but it went left unasked.
They carried on through their next case, unknowingly uncovering some truths about Scully's recent discovery. They skirted around addressing her symptoms, and the distress in his eyes when her nose bled, caused her to reconsider how she was handling things.
She never wanted to see the pity in other's eyes as they looked upon her. She didn't want this diagnosis to define her, and was tired of living by the rules she followed her entire life. The memory of Philadelphia surged through her mind, and she needed that arousal of excitement to mask the sadness and fear.
With Mulder was running off on his latest truth seeking expedition, she knew it was her chance to escape the heaviness that filled her life. She found a dive bar late that night, and paid extra attention to somewhat attractive man who kept eyeing her. She threw back several drinks, feeling the alcohol mix with the cancer running through her blood. The inebriation washing over her made her feel like she was losing control, and she never felt more alive. She relished in the buzzed sensation, and began to give in to the nameless man's physical notions. After allowing his lips access to hers for a while, she finally separated and made her way home. She sighed as she saw the blinking light on her voicemail, and knew she needed to face this.
Scully, it's me. I haven't heard from you, you must be busy. Uh, just call me back when you get this. I'll try your cell again.
She scoffed, and hit the delete button, alerting the machine to play the next message.
Hey, it's me again, your cell must be off, it's going straight to voicemail. Just, uh, call me back as soon as you get in. I'm worried about you.
She held back the tears at his sentiments, not ready to face her own emotions. She knew she shouldn't push Mulder out of her life, not now, but she needed some small piece of solitude to keep for herself. She let out a heavy sigh, and picked up her phone.
"Scully?" He answered frantically after the first ring.
"Yeah, it's me. Sorry, I've been, uh, out." She said in a small voice.
"Jesus, Scully, I've been so worried. Are you okay?"
"Yes, Mulder. I'm fine. I was just out."
"You could have fooled me by the tone in your voice."
"I'm just annoyed that you seem to think you're my keeper. I have a life outside of the office, believe it or not. You don't need to know my whereabouts every minute of the day."
"Well, the last time I lost tabs on you, you ended up half-dressed in the apartment of a psychotic murderer, so excuse me for worrying." He said bitterly. He knew neither of them weren't handling this as they should, but couldn't concede their true feelings.
"Sorry I'm such an inconvenience for you, why don't you do us both a favor and stop bothering over me now." She said sternly. She disconnected the call before he had a chance to respond, and let the tears fall freely.
The next day they had to carry on working on their case. Scully made some discoveries and knew what her next course of action should be. She let out a heavy sigh and knew she needed Mulder's help, regardless of the current rift in their relationship.
When she called him, he was rambling on with the excitement in his voice about his findings, and she interrupted him, mid sentence.
"Mulder, I need you to come up here." She said as she exhaled deeply.
"Why? Did you find something there?" He asked frantically.
"I need you to bring the overnight bag from the trunk of the car, and I need you to call my mother and ask her to bring up some things to the hospital." She said calmly. It unnerved him how detached she was from her own predicament.
"Is there anything I should know?" He asked cautiously. As she explained her reasonings about searching for the truth inside herself, he felt responsible for what happened to her. He was losing his best friend, his soul mate, and he was too much of a coward to say anything. "I will be right there."
As Scully did her testings in the hospital, and Mulder went about searching the labs, they both avoided each other, and their unspoken feelings for each other and their current situation. He rushed to the hospital after discovering some unsavory truths in his quest, and needed to see her for reassurance.
The sight of her made him want to enclose her in his arms, and never let her go. He wanted to find a cure, for her, for himself. If he were being honest with himself, when he read her journal that she left in the room, it opened his eyes to his own thoughts that he'd been brushing aside.
"You know, I've got things to finish - to prove to myself, to my family. But for my own reasons." She said with a small smile. He looked down at her as the grin began to spread over his face. She matched his emotions, and allowed herself to lean into his embrace. With her arms wrapped around his waist, he gripped onto her tighter, melding them together.
"The truth will save you, Scully. I think it'll save both of us." He whispered into her hair. She knew what their unspoken sentiments meant to her, and could only hope it held the same meaning for him. She found some reassurance when he cradled her face in his hands, and leaned down to place a gentle kiss on her forehead.
She wanted to tell him, in that moment, that he was her strength to finish this journey. There were so many things left unsaid between them, but spoken with the gaze that passed between their eyes.
As their cases passed by, Mulder was amazed with the strength that Scully carried. He relished in being in her presence, hoping to absorb some of her confidence that she was going to beat this disease. Occasionally, he could see how the sickness affected her, but felt it wasn't his place to say anything.
"What do you say we hang out tonight, Scully? Grab some greasy take-out and partake in some classic movie marathons." He asked excitedly, hoping to find some reassurance in her whereabouts for the weekend.
"I, uh, actually have plans tonight. Maybe another night?" She said distractedly.
"You got a hot date or something?" He teased, not really wanting the answer.
"Yeah, hopefully something like that." She said with a smirk. She watched as the clock hit 5, and began to gather her things. "I'll see you Monday." She said with a smile as she exited the office.
He buried his head in his hands, wondering why she kept distancing herself from him, personally. They remained working as the dynamic duo as they had always been, but he thought their unspoken sentiments they shared in the hospital would push them past that final barrier.
She remained on the other side of the office wall, leaning against the door, trying to fight back the tears that stung her eyes. She knew in her heart that he was the one she wanted to spend her remaining time with, every minute of it, but she wasn't ready to face the reality of that situation. If she allowed him in completely, she knew her illness would kill them both.
Later that night, she found herself at another rundown bar, meeting another nameless man. Becoming inebriated again, her physical caresses increased on the body of the stranger. She let loose, becoming someone she didn't even recognize. It wasn't until she noticed the familiar figure sitting on the opposite end of the bar, glaring at her, that this fantasy life came crashing down.
"What the hell are you doing here?! You're following me now?" She seethed as she made her way over to Mulder. Her eyebrow began to arch as she gritted her teeth.
"Scully, I was just worried about you. What the hell are you even doing here? This isn't like you." He shot back.
"Maybe that's the point, Mulder. Maybe I'm tired of being me, and I just want to escape all of that."
"So scamming on some random guys in a bar is your definition of feeling alive?"
"Yes, it is. Do you want to know why? Because when they look at me, they see me as a woman, a sexual being. They don't look at me with pity and worry in their eyes. They don't see me as their equal in a pantsuit, and sometimes that's exhilarating. They look at me with arousal and intrigue, and that's awakening for me. It's something I haven't felt in a long time, and I figure there's no time to waste now to have it again." She finished, breathing heavily from her rant.
He held her gaze, and they stared at each other in silence. She was beginning to control her breathing, and rolled her eyes at his lack of response. Just as she was turning to leave, he grabbed her arm, spinning her to face him again, and enclosed his lips on hers. He pulled her into his body by her waist, and she melted into his embrace. She opened her mouth slightly, allowing his tongue access, and he took full advantage. He put the passion he felt for her over the years behind his kiss, sealing an unspoken promise.
He separated himself from her just as abruptly as their entanglement occurred, and left her wordlessly standing there. She licked her lips in confusion as she watched him leave the bar, and a small smirk began to touch her mouth. She composed her slightly disheveled appearance, and made her way to his apartment.
As she parked on the curb outside of his apartment, she could see the light illuminate through his window. She let out a shaky sigh as she made her way to his door. She didn't bother to knock, she just let herself in, needing answers.
"What the hell was that?" She demanded as she stepped inside.
"Ever heard of knocking?" He deadpanned as he situated himself on the couch. She moved towards him, standing with her arms crossed in front of her.
"Why? So you could ignore me and pretend like you weren't here? Mulder, what-"
"I don't know, okay? Maybe I just got caught up in the fantasy life you were trying to live out, too. It was nothing, just forget it even happened, and we can carry on with whatever this is."
"That wasn't just nothing. That was, I don't even know. Why did you even follow me there anyway?"
"To make sure you didn't make the same mistake as you did in Philadelphia. I've been watching you, every weekend that you mysteriously disconnect yourself from the real world. I watch you hang on random strangers, and flash them that flirty smile that lights up the room, captivating everyone instantly. I notice the change in clothes, and the looser hair that you display for the effect. I hear every rare giggle that you let escape your lips the more you drink..." He said as his voice trailed off. She sat down next to him gently, trying to control the sporadic thoughts mulling around through her mind.
"Why didn't you say anything sooner?" She finally said in a small whisper.
"I didn't think it was my place to. Plus, I had never gotten caught before." He said lightly as she chuckled. "Scully, I'm sorry, if I invaded your alternate life, if that's who you want to be, it's not my place to stop you."
"That's not who I want to be, it's just the version of me that makes me feel alive in this death sentence that's bestowed itself upon me."
"I guess I just don't understand why you feel the need to gain attention from random strangers when-" He paused, realizing the thought he was speaking out loud. "When there's people who care about you in this reality." He said carefully, avoiding the question of why she didn't want his attention that he was so willing to give her.
She studied his face, knowing there was more behind his question, things he wasn't saying. She sighed to herself, realizing that she had so many things left unsaid to him as well.
"I know, and I'm sorry that you had to see me like that. This terrifies me, and I don't know how to handle not having control in a situation, especially one that involves my life."
"You're not the only one this is affecting. It's my life, too." He finally said in a barely audible whisper.
She read the truth behind his eyes, and the tears began to sting her own. They held each other's gaze for a few more moments before she nodded and placed a gentle kiss on the side of his mouth. He sighed at the contact, and rested his forehead against hers. She finally broke from their closeness, and stood up to gather her things.
She wordlessly exited his apartment, leaving him sitting there with the "I love you" resting on his lips, left unspoken. He knew this small revelation would deepen their devotion to each other in their partnership, and personally. For the first time since her disease was discovered, Mulder had the strength to believe that he would have time to tell her the truth that was in his heart.