Izzie lays in her hospital bed, knitting a green scarf.
"Don't just stand here staring at me," she says to Meredith, Cristina, George and Alex. "Go save lives or something," she says.
As they all scurry off, claiming to have rounds, Izzie listens to the silence that surrounds her. She tries to pretend that she doesn't care that no one stayed, but she does. She cares a lot. She focuses on the scarf. She becomes determined to knit the most perfect scarf ever.
Dr. Bailey stops in periodically and shares her tales from the O.R. with Izzie, who is grateful for the distraction, but can see through Dr. Bailey's cheerful demeanor.
All of a sudden, there is a knock on her door.
"I wanted to check on your I.V." Cristina says.
"My I.V?" Izzie asks. "What is there to check? It's an I.V. It's in my arm?" Izzie says.
"I…umm…just wanted to check to make sure it's in correctly. Sometimes people get sloppy. I just wanted to make sure it's working before your surgery." Cristina says.
"I think it's working fine," Izzie says, puzzled.
"Don't make this hard…okay? Just let me check your I.V." Cristina sighs.
"Okay," Izzie says, holding out her arm.
Cristina fiddles aimlessly with the I.V. and then says, "It looks good," handing Izzie back her arm.
"Thank you," Izzie says.
The two of them sit in silence. Until Cristina says, "Listen…I don't really know what I'm supposed to say, but I know that if I were in your position, I probably wouldn't want to be alone all day, so I figured I'd stop by and just…I don't know," Cristina says.
"Thank you," Izzie says.
"You know, when you told me you were sick, you said I didn't like you much. I guess I just wanted you to know that isn't really true," Cristina says.
"Seriously?" Izzie asks.
"Seriously. I mean, I don't really get you…that whole happy, optimistic, glass is whole half full thing you have going on…but I do like you. I guess I just wanted you to know that," Cristina says.
Izzie smiles. "I guess I sort of knew that. And for what it's worth, I appreciate everything you did. I know I threw a lot at you and I didn't make it easy for you to help me. But thank you for making me fight. I'm going to fight…I just hope I win," Izzie says, with a wry laugh at her last statement.
Cristina thinks for a minute. "You know, I always win everything. I always finished first in my class. I was the fastest runner. I think the first contest I ever lost was that stupid sparkle pager thing. But I think the reason I always win is that I don't give myself an option. I don't hope I'm going to win. I go in knowing I'm going to win."
Izzie smiles. "I'll try that." She smiles at Cristina. "Thank you," she says.
(Break)
Izzie sleeps for a little bit, waking up to a knock on her door. "Come in," she says, groggily.
"Ummm…hi Dr. Stevens," Lexie says, awkwardly.
"Hi Dr. Grey," Izzie says, smiling politely. She invested so much in the interns and Lexie Grey was definitely the one who has shown her the most promise.
"So, you're patient X," Lexie says.
"Unfortunately, I am," Izzie says.
"Remember when you asked me what I'd say to her?" Lexie asks.
Izzie nods.
"Well, I wasn't sure. I was nervous and I didn't answer very well. But I'd like to try now if that's okay," Lexie says, nervously.
Izzie nods again. "Go ahead, Dr, Grey," she says.
"You are in for the fight of your life and the odds are against you, but odds only apply to people who listen to them. You're strong, you're not afraid of a challenge. After all, you agreed to teach us when no one else wanted to. You're surrounded by people who really want you to make it, and you have a lot to live for. Get ready to fight because we need you here to teach us. No one else took the time the way you did. I'm sorry if we were a lot of trouble, but we really did learn a lot from you," Lexie says, speeding up her words as she finishes.
Izzie smiles weakly. "Thank you, Dr. Grey. You did a good job figuring out Patient X's diagnosis," she says.
"I kind of wish I had been wrong. That the original diagnosis of anemia was correct…you know?" Lexie says.
"Yeah. Boy do I know…" Izzie replies.
"Are you scared?" Lexie asks.
Izzie thinks for a minute. "Yeah. Really scared."
"Well if you need anything…" Lexie says.
"Thanks Dr. Grey." Izzie says.
Lexie turns to leave. "Dr. Grey!" Izzie calls.
Lexie turns back towards her.
"You're going to make a hell of a doctor," Izzie says, smiling.
"Thanks, Dr. Stevens. For what it's worth, I think you're going to make a hell of a patient," Lexie says, beaming at Izzie's compliment.
(Break)
Izzie holds the scarf up to her arm to measure it and drops it carelessly when she hears a knock on her door.
"Damn!" she snaps.
"Hi." Callie says.
"Hi, Dr. Torres," Izzie replies, surprised to see Callie at her bedside.
"I guess you weren't expecting me…" Callie says.
"Honestly? No. I wasn't" Izzie says.
"I wished you dead every night after I found out about you and George," Callie says.
Izzie furrows her brow. "Ummm…Thank you? I don't really know what the correct response to that is," she says.
"When I heard about your diagnosis, I told Arizona how guilty I felt for what I thought and she asked me if I was wishing you dead now that I knew that you were…ummm…sick. I thought about it really hard. I'm not. I'm wishing with all my might that you live, Izzie. And not out of guilt. It's sincere. I really want you to beat this," Callie says.
"I guess I'm supposed to thank you for not wishing me dead?" Izzie asks.
Callie shakes her head. "Please. Don't thank me for anything. I just wanted you to know that I was praying for you," she says.
Izzie smiles. "Thanks," she says.
Callie reaches for Izzie's hand. "Good luck," she says.
(Break)
George enters Izzie's room without knocking.
"You told Cristina first. Why?" he asks.
"To avoid seeing that look on your face," Izzie says.
"What look?" George asks.
"That look that you have right now. The only where your forehead wrinkles with worry and you look like someone just ran over your puppy. I didn't want to see that look," Izzie says.
"Things haven't been the same between us since…" George begins.
Izzie cuts him off. "No. They haven't."
"I still care about you," George says.
Izzie looks down. "I know. You're my best friend, George," she says.
"I made a lot of mistakes," George says.
"Me too," Izzie admits.
"Where do we go from here?" George asks. "How do we get back?"
Izzie leans against her pillow. "I don't know…" she says, squeezing her eyes shut. She is surprised when a tear escapes.
George sits next to her on the bed and pushes her hair out of her face. "I think we're on our way," he says.
Izzie leans her head on George's shoulder. "I think so too," she says, smiling threw her tears.
(Break)
"Iz?" Meredith says.
"Hi," Izzie says weakly.
"How are you doing?" she asks.
"I'm fine. How's Derek?" Izzie asks.
"He's ready, Iz. You don't have to worry," Meredith says.
"I know. I trust him," Izzie says.
"Good. Can I get you anything?" Meredith asks.
Izzie shakes her head. "No. Thank you."
"What can we do for you?" Meredith asks.
Izzie thinks. "You can all stop being so awkward and weird. You can all stop being so nice. It makes me feel like I'm dying."
Meredith nods. "Okay. We can do that. I…ummm…have a question to ask you," Meredith says.
Izzie waits.
"How do I turn on the stove in the house? I mean, you always cook, and I figure if you're going to be here for a while, we all might starve or go broke in the meantime, so I thought you might just tell me how to use the stove and the oven, and maybe even give me a few simple recipes," Meredith asks, somewhat hesitantly.
Izzie smiles. "I'd love to. If you bring me a notebook, I'll write you down some easy recipes that even you can make," she says.
"Thanks." Meredith says.
"I've got time…" Izzie says, then amends the statement. "Well…idle time. Not a lot of time in the sense of…"
"Iz…" Meredith says, putting her hand on Izzie's arm.
"It's weird. I look at all of you and I wonder what you'll be doing 5 years from now. I mean will you be attendings here? Will you be married? Kids? But I don't wonder about myself, because I don't really believe that I'm going to be here," Izzie says, her eyes filling with tears.
"Iz…" Meredith says again wishing she could think of something else to say.
"I know. Cristina told me that I have to believe that I'm going to beat this. And if you ask me if I'm ready to fight, I'll say that I am. But I don't know if I'm going to win. The odds count for something…don't they?" Izzie asks, tearfully.
Meredith looks down. "I think you can beat this…" she says.
"But do you really? If I weren't me and I were just a random patient would you think I was going to beat this?" Izzie asks, looking Meredith in the eye.
Meredith thinks for a moment. "No. I wouldn't," she admits.
Izzie opens her mouth to say something but Meredith cuts her off.
"If you were another patient, I wouldn't think they would beat it. But because you're you, I think you can. But not just because you're my friend. Because you're Izzie Stevens. You're the one who came back after your fiancé died and made it through probation, and then became the only one who can get through to possibly the worst intern class ever. You're not the kind of person who gives up. You grew up in a trailer park and you're here at one of the top surgical programs in the country." Meredith says.
Izzie's eyes well up again. "You know what kills me?"
"Melanoma?" Meredith says. "Sorry…bad joke."
Izzie shakes her head and laughs a little. "No. Good joke. Thanks. No one has make me laugh all day. But what kills me is that I was finally happy. I was liking teaching the interns, I was happy with Alex. I was feeling good…And then all of a sudden, here I am. Metastatic melanoma…"
"How is Alex handling all of this?" Meredith asks.
Izzie sighs. "I wouldn't know. He's disappeared. I haven't seen him since I checked in," he says.
"Just give him time, Iz. He loves you…" Meredith promises.
"I know he loves me. Mer?" Izzie asks.
"What?" Meredith asks.
"What if I'm alone when it happens? I always think that the worst thing that can happen to a patient is that they die without someone holding their hand. What if I…"
Meredith cuts her off. "You won't. I promise," she says, quickly.
"But if I die in surgery I will…if you die on the table, you just die. That's it. You just die. It's cold. You're alone…" Izzie says.
Meredith thinks for a moment. "I'll tell Derek that if anything happens, he or Dr. Bailey have to hold your hand. Okay?"
Izzie smiles. "Thanks."
"I have to go to rounds now, but I'll see you after your surgery," Meredith says.
"Mer?" Izzie says, as she turns to leave.
Meredith turns around.
"Thanks for stopping by," Izzie says.
"You're welcome."
(Break)
Izzie sleeps for lack of anything better to do. She knows she is going in for surgery in less than an hour, so she sleeps to make the time go by quicker.
When she wakes up, Alex is laying next to her.
"Hey sleeping beauty," he says.
"Hi," she says.
"I wanted you to know I was here," Alex says.
"I didn't think you were coming," Izzie admits.
"It may take me a little longer but I'll always come. I love you, Iz. You're it for me," Alex says.
"I need to tell you some things before the surgery," Izzie says, sitting up.
"Iz…don't…" Alex says.
"No. I need to say this and I need you to listen. If anything happens, I want you to be happy. I know you'll be sad for a while but I want you to eventually find happiness. And not with a crazy girl…with someone nice and normal," Izzie begins.
"Like who? Do we know anyone nice and normal?" Alex asks, trying to lighten the mood.
Izzie thinks for a moment. "Not really. Wait a minute. How about Lexie Grey. She seems normal. If I die, marry her," Izzie says.
"So the big thing you wanted to tell me is that if you die I should marry Meredith's sister? I think those brain mets are growing as we speak! You're talking crazy!" Alex says.
Izzie laughs. "You make me smile, Alex. No one makes me smile like you do," she says, sadly.
"And after Derek fixes your head I'm going to keep making you smile," Alex says.
The door opens and Dr. Bailey enters followed by Lexie and Derek.
"We need to wheel you down to the O.R. now, Izzie," Dr. Bailey says.
Izzie nods tensely. "Okay," she says, feeling a lump in her throat.
Alex squeezes Izzie's hand and says, "Should I take her for a test drive while you are in surgery?"
Izzie and Alex look at Lexie and start to giggle.
"Are my scrubs on backwards or something?" Lexie whispers to Derek.
"I love you, Izzie Stevens," Alex says, kissing her and squeezing her hand.
"I love you too," Izzie says, in a choked voice as they wheel her out of the room.
As the door closes, Alex sits on the chair in her room and dissolves into hysterical sobs.
Meredith opens the door and walks over to Alex and puts her hand on his shoulder.
"Let's go and wait outside the O.R." she says, gently.
Alex looks up at her. "It wasn't supposed to be like this…" he says.
"I know," Meredith says as she walks next to him down the corridor to where the large crowd has gathered outside the O.R.
*****
This was just a one shot. It was something I kind of was disappointed not to have seen on Grey's so I figured I'd write it myself!!
Review PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And PM me if you want to talk about Grey's. I'm totally in withdrawal until the 23rd!
-Jess