Inconsequential Hatred
fluorescentpinkfairies
Rated: K+
Warnings: Shounen-ai, HieixKurama. Slight swearing. An 'I-Love-You' ending. Maybe angsty and dark at times.
Spoilers: Not really.
Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership upon the brilliant series called Yu Yu Hakusho.
--
Such a stupid fox.
He's so stupid sometimes.
He always risks his life for these humans, these stupid, stupid humans.
Dammit.
His human mother, that's what it is. If he hadn't chosen her to be his mother, then he wouldn't have been so compassionate to these stupid, stupid humans. He wouldn't have turned into this. He wouldn't have had the need to save everyone. Yoko Kurama used to be concerned with himself and his treasure and sometimes his partner.
Sometimes.
Dammit.
No, maybe it isn't his human mother that's the problem. It was Koenma.
How could he drag Kurama into this? What right did he have? For probation, that was his reason. Damn Koenma. The toddler made Kurama care. It was either going to jail or joining the Detective.
Dammit.
No, maybe it wasn't Koenma. Maybe it was...
Me.
I was the one who found him. I was the one who contacted him at a time when he was too vulnerable, too worried, to even think beyond the Mirror.
Dammit, Kurama! Always—always too caring, too compassionate, too...
too stupid...
idiot fox...
do you see where it leaves you?
do you?
love... you love too much...
you change people too much...
I hate you.
I hate you more than the moron, more than the toddler, more than the ferry girl, more than anyone.
I hate you.
I don't... want this... this tainted life... I don't want your blood on my hands... I don't want these tears, these words, these emotions...
I never wanted it.
That mother of yours... she should hate me. She should hate me like I hate you.
How can she even look at me?
Dammit...
Dammit, dammit, dammit...
They're trying to pull me away now.
I will kill them if they even try it.
I will...
They leave me alone, let me sink back down, tell me that it's okay.
Like they know what they're fucking talking about.
The tears they shed are inconsequential.
The words they speak are worth even less.
What is okay? Nothing.
You're too damn stupid to think twice, idiot fox.
What the hell gives you the right to give me so much of your life energy? I was the dead one, and I was better off that way.
If you die, I will tear you from Spirit World myself.
Dammit...
You're such a stupid, conceited, compassionate, idiotic, loving bastard, did you know that?
I will hate you forever if you die on me.
You...
...I don't want you to leave...
...I don't want to be alone...
...Kurama, you stupid fox...
...I love you...
--
Author's Space:
For those of you who need an explanation, here it is: While on a mission, Hiei got seriously wounded and Kurama gave away a lot of his energy to keep the little demon alive, much the same way that Kuwabara gave a way his energy to keep Yusuke alive during the Saint Beasts arc. The only difference is that Kurama gave away enough energy to not only keep Hiei alive but to also heal many of his wounds. So, throughout the course of this fic, Kurama is in a hospital bed, barely clinging to life, and is unresponsive. He has very little chance of living through this, and that's why Hiei is feeling so guilty. By 'tainted life', he means that his life is not truly his anymore, it's Kurama's and it's tainted by the death that is sure to claim him.
I don't particularly like 'I love you' endings because they seem so faceless and unrealistic. Things don't end at 'I love you'. They begin. As well, our culture has completely overused those three words, so that they mean hardly anything. I know there's a following of people who also believe this, my cousin included (note how Kurama and Thia still haven't said 'I love you', even after YSUtS ended, which is usually when characters tell each other their feelings; at the end of a fic) and that's the reason, in Chemical Bonds, that I was told that it was much more meaningful than many of the other HK shounen-ai fics that end with 'I love you'.
In spite of all this, I felt it was necessary to end this with 'I love you'. Hiei is overwhelmed by emotions: guilt, hurt, loneliness, a need to blame, anger, and, naturally, love. He expresses all of these throughout the course of the fic, and it wouldn't be fair to leave out one of the most important emotions of all.
Thanks for reading. Review/flame/rant. Tell me before you use this on a C2. Most responses to your reviews will be on my Profile.
Love,
fluorescent
(revamped 6/30/05)