Seven months, nearly eight, she had been gone. 23 weeks and three days to be exact. He couldn't remember that he ever had missed anyone that badly before and no matter what had happened in his life it had never affected his work in that way.
Six months without any contact at all. Six months of asking himself what she was doing, how she was and if she was angry with him. He had disappointed her, he thought. He had remained silent when he should have spoken up. Another time when he had been silent for too long and she had left. For good. If only he could change time and go back to that moment, tell her how much he loved her and ask her on the spot to marry him, even without a ring.
Dr. Gardened had asked for her hand after barely five months of knowing her, while he, William Murdoch, had wasted years. He should have learned his lesson the first time when he had let her go and had been more than miserable without her. However back then she hadn't left and he had been able to pretend for a while that her friendship was enough.
Now all he could have was her friendship. She was about to wed her doctor fiancé in a week and there was nothing he could do but stand by, watch and wish them all the best. He could see that Darcy loved Julia and it seemed he was content to be with her even without children. Apparently he hadn't been so foolish as to remain silent when she needed to hear simply that she was enough.
He was glad that she was back in the same town, working with him, but at the same time it felt like torture. Having her close but not being able to touch her; seeing her, but seeing her with him; knowing that he had a ring while she was wearing the ring of another man… There were moments every now and then when they both seemed to forget all that stood between them. They would talk, laugh and joke and just be happy to be together. Those were the moments he was living for now. Yet, they always came with a price when one or both of them realized what they were doing and that it wasn't proper for colleagues. Then they would stop and everything would get all awkward. The distance between them in the aftermath always hurt him the most.
Insomnia had become his enemy and his friend during these last months. Sometimes it helped him to lie awake and think about her and remember their good times. Other times it would hurt so much he wished he would allow himself a drink from time to time and get lost in the oblivion the alcohol would provide. Having a drunk as a father he knew that wasn't a good idea. Still, when the pain became excruciating, the sadness settled over him and his heart felt like it was ripped out of his body very slowly he wished he could escape it. Sometimes he rode his bike down to the river, other times he smashed something into tiny pieces and most of the times he would simply allow the tears to come and the sobs to wrack his body in the loneliness of his room.
This night he lay on his bed, stared up at the dark ceiling and thought. The same scenes were playing in his mind over and over again and he wished he knew a way to stop these pictures. He had wondered if he should tell her that he still loved her and ask her to marry him instead of Darcy. He couldn't do it. For one the bible said you shall not covet your neighbor's wife. Sure, she wasn't his wife yet, but wasn't fiancée very close? The main reason why he didn't try it thought was that Julia seemed happy with Darcy and he treated her well. He had left his hometown for her and had changed jobs. Darcy was a good man, maybe even better than him, so who was he to try and steal her away from the man who could possibly make her happier than he ever could?
He was startled out of his thoughts by a knock. At first he thought he had misheard, but then it knocked again on his door.
"Who is it?" he asked after he had clambered out of bed and had put on his robe and turned on the lamp.
"It's Dr. Gardened, Detective," he heard the voice from the other side of the door. He raised both eyebrows in surprise and then opened the door. After the surprise came the concern for Julia when he saw the doctor's worried face.
"Is something wrong with Julia?" he asked hurriedly and then remembered who he was talking to. "Dr. Ogden, I mean," he corrected his mistake.
"I am sorry to wake you up detective, but I didn't know who else to ask for help," Darcy started and followed his unspoken invitation to step into the room. "I went to see Julia this evening to pick her up for dinner and after her housekeeper let me in she didn't come down on time. I found her in her room and she was… hysterical. At first she was crying, then she went silent and has been staring at the wall ever since. I'm at my wits end here and thought maybe you could… talk to her," the doctor explained frantically. William wasn't sure how exactly he was supposed to help. It wasn't like he and Julia had talked about private matters in the last months. However Darcy's worried expression let him know that something must be incredibly wrong. They needed his help… Julia needed his help and he wouldn't let her down again.
"Just give me a moment, doctor, I am just going to change," he nodded and saw the relief on the man's face.
"Thank you, detective," he sighed and left the room to wait for William in the hallway.
TBC