He cried.
"Juvia," Gray said softly, voice as quite as death, "there is something you should know. If you intend to move forward, then I must."
"Gray-sama?"
He added nervously, "I don't expect you to stick around after you hear everything, but it is necessary, for both our sakes, to clearly lay out how I feel. .."
"Gray-sama- b-before that …please Hear me out! A-about your father.. I-it was me..Please don't hate me…I..", she blurted out hastily, tears streaking down her cheeks sorrowfully.
"Don't-I understand.." he quickly responded achingly, running his hand through his hair. "I couldn't hate you for something like that. How could I, when I understand exactly how it feels. Maybe not exactly, but I killed Ul, you know. Not intentionally, but I might as well have. It was my fault she died."
"Gray-sama!..I-"
"It's alright. I understand. It was painful for you to be the cause of my father's death, but he was already dead Juvia. You didn't kill him. You did the right thing."
He gazed at her with so much sadness that Juvia's heart broke.
"It was painful….to see him die again." he said softly, his eyes glazing with tears, and somewhere else, staring at nothing, "He stayed behind for my sake, you know. I'm tired. So tired of everyone always doing things for someone like me. Dad. Ul... Ultear…" he closed his eyes, halting abruptly, and Juvia had the terrible sense that something inside him broke then.
He continued, "What you're feeling right now, I think I get it. I realized it was the same. I- I killed Ul and for the longest time, Lyon really hated me for it. I-I thought Ultear might be the same. That she would hate me too. But she didn't. Things with her were more complicated and twisted than that, but she ended up surprising me in many ways…"
"Gray-sama…"
"Her reasons, the things that drove her- they were a lot more heart-breaking than I could deal with- there wasn't much I could do for her..I-I look back and I realize she had every reason to hate me, ...I was the reason Ul died…. "
Juvia got the sense that he really needed to let it all out, so she let him talk without interrupting, a bittersweet dread pricking her heart.
"…; my first thought when I realized who she was…was that she must really despise me…except she never did…she hated on Ul instead… it made me soo mad and sad all at the same time..she thought Ul abandoned her when she never did…even so, after finding out the truth about Ul and her, and me and deliora, I was prepared to have her hate me…"
"Gray-sama…" Juvia could feel her heart breaking further, for Gray-sama, for Ultear-san and herself too.
She was finally beginning to comprehend the depth of his feelings for Ultear san. She wondered if Gray-sama himself was just beginning to realize it now?
..Ohhh, she had been soo silly then, thinking up ridiculously convoluted love-charts about Gray-sama. She had suspected Ultear-san loved Gray-sama, but she had been completely off the mark with Gray-sama's feelings. She had thought he loved Lyon-sama. She had never once stopped to think about how Gray-sama might feel about Ultear-san!
"..I was prepared to have her hate me, but she never did…Ultear should have hated me for it…she had every reason to…I thought somewhere inside, she really must,.. but strangely, she never did...maybe because she understood, maybe because, like me, she knew what it felt like to sink into darkness and lose something precious because of it.."
Juvia could physically feel the pain etched in his voice and the contorted expression on his face.
"A-anyways, she never hated me. I know that now. Datte, she died ... she made it all worse and better and died instead of me and macao and droy and sacrificed herself for everybody without once asking me if I would be okay with that. ..that horribe night when the dragons created havoc in our world, she silently gave up her time in exchange for ours and nobody knows or cares.. except ..me... She died instead of me- I-I should have died that night …I should have died…"
That shocked her and she choked out,
"Ohhh…Gray-sama…I didn't know..I didn't know..Ultear-san is …Ohhh" Juvia sobbed achingly, thinking back to how Gray had looked that day when everybody was celebrating their victory.
She had noticed something was wrong, but she had never thought…Ohhh she had been thinking he looked so beautiful when he had smiled so tenderly then, not knowing it was for her. For Ultear-san. Ohhh all this time, he has been mourning the death of someone he probably didn't even know he loved, all alne, on his own.
It was so heartbreaking.
Gray-sama was suffering from a broken heart and there had been nobody there to help him with his pain. because nobody knew. ..Ohhh
"Sorry, I'm going really off-track, aren't I? Sorry …I can't help it. I wanted you to know how I felt-feel about her for some reason… I can't tell for myself what this feeling is, I've never felt like this before but I think –I think.. "
"Gray-sama is in love with Ultear-san…" she finished for him painfully, "It hurts, demo I understand...Ultear-san is amazing. I can understand why Gray-sama loves her." she said softly, biting her lip and tasting her salty tears.
She could see the ripples of shock, realization and acceptance flashing consecutively in his eyes and he smiled sadly at her.
"Sorry…I –I thought I was, but I am not familiar with emotion like this-I. I wasn't sure…I didn't know Juvia."
"A-aa. I know. But it's true Gray-same is in love with Ultear-san. I can tell," she repeated, even as her heart ached with irrational jealousy and screamed in protest.
"I-I see", he said hesitantly, running his hand through his hair, "…I haven't been able to shake her off my mind since she disappeared like that…I haven't wanted to…. and just yesterday, when I was fighting my dad… I –I .."
"Gray-sama?"
"..I thought about dying. Since Ul's death... since my fight with Lyon, when Natsu told me he didn't want me to die, I've been struggling to remember to live, but since Ultear died, it was getting harder to remember. I told myself I must smile. I must live. I must move forward. I must do all this for Ultear's sake. I must. I tried. But I couldn't help wishing I could give up. I couldn't help wishing I was dead instead.
,,,,,,,,,,
Ultear had become a very painful contradiction in his life. She made him want to live and she made him want to die….. he just didn't know what to do anymore…
,,,,,,,,,
"I might have died yesterday if not for her. I thought about you and everyone in Fairy tail and Ul and Lyon, and for a second, I chose goodbye. I said, 'I'm sorry'… and prepared to die…just so I could be with her… Is that okay?..."
He held his head in his hands, looking lost.
"I performed Iced-shell, while thinking of her, but the spell broke for some reason…I wonder if that was her looking after me like she promised…she shows up sometimes in my head to offer me comfort... am i going mad?...I know what she wants from me…She wants me to live….But …How do I do that? How do I live without wishing I could die the next time something terrible happens?... and then when dad said it was time for him to die so he could finally be with my Mother, Mika…I cried…I cried because he was leaving me too, like everybody else I loved … and I cried because I realized that's what I wanted to do too…I wanted to die so I could be with Ultear. That's not okay is it?"
No, it wasn't okay.
But there was nothing she could do but accept that this was how Gray-sama felt. This was how gray-sama felt about Ultear san.
She couldn't deny that Gray-sama wanting to die so he could be with Ultear-san was a very romantic idea even if he was innocent in its conception.
It was a testament to how strongly he felt about Ultear-san.
She sighed sorrowfully… it was more romantic than Gray-sama dying for her, because she knew Gray-sama was the kind of person who would die for anybody if he couldn't help it. He had shoved Meredy and her out of harms-way that first time, hadnt he? He hadn't had time to react after he pushed her away.
She had been so distracted herself. She would haave died if not for him.
It didn't matter now.
She couldn't delude herself anymore. She had to leave her pretty fantasies behind and grow up. She had to accept this reality. And she realized now that while reality was painful, it was still beautiful too.
But even so, even if he wanted to be with Ultear-san, Gray-sama dying and leaving them all behind was not an ending she was willing to accept.
Ultear-san was so unfair.
How could she leave behind Gray-sama, missing her and crying for her like this? How could she do this to him? Why hadn't she thought that Gray-sama had needed her to live for him?
Maybe…maybe she hadn't known!
Like Gray-sama, Ultear-san hadn't known either. She hadn't known how Gray-sama felt about her and so….it was so painful to contemplate.
How did Gray-sama and Ultear-san manage to live and smile at the world with so much pain in their hearts?
What could Juvia do for him now? He was so broken.
She stood silently by, crying for him, as Gray-sama spilled his heart out to her.
Even if he was saying things that pained her, she knew he was hurting far worse than she was right now, and in a twisted way, she was glad he was here with her.
That finally, he was baring his soul for her. Even if he was in love with another woman as he did so, he was finally letting her in.
And it was thanks to Ultear-san.
Because of his love for Ultear-san, he was beginning to understand her pain too.
And he was willingly sharing his pain with her, hoping she could do something about it.
Maybe he was letting her in because he was preparing to let her go.
She didn't know if the 'her' referred to herself or Ultear-san. That was something only Gray-sama could decide.
Regardless of that, if he was here, letting her see him cry, then he must need her to move forward.
She took a step closer and hugged him, holding him close like a mother holding her sobbing child and he reluctantly gave in, sobbing silently into her.
"Let me help you Gray-sama.." she whispered softly.
She made a vow to herself, gazing up at the dawning night.
[I'll take care of him for you too, Ultear-san. I'll make him want to live again. I promise.]
She could have sworn she heard Ultear-san whisper, "Thank you" to her.
"Juvia…"
She returned her gaze to the back of Gray-sama's trembling head, still resting on her shoulder.
"..Thank You. I'm sorry. "
She brushed his shaggy hair back and forth gently in response and said,
"It's Okay."
"..despite how much you love me; despite how far you're willing to go for me, I don't know if I can love again."
"I know. I'll wait.
"Then the only thing I can tell you is 'll try."
,,,,,,,
Yes, I'll try. I'll keep trying till I break and hope you'll be willing to pick up the pieces for me.
I'll try for Ultear.
I'll try for everyone in Fairy Tail. I'll try for Dad and Ul. I'll try for Lyon who gave up on you for my sake. And I'll try for you.
,,,,,,
"I believe you Gray-sama. Thank you for saying you'll try. Juvia will always be here waiting for you to succeed. And Juvia has more than enough love to last till Gray-sama is ready to fall in love with her. Juvia understands Gray-sama's pain, so Juvia promises Gray-sama that she will love him enough to live for him. Because, Juvia thinks that if you have love in your life, then you must live for them."
"I'm too broken… I might never be able to make you happy." he said hoarsely.
"Juvia is already happy when she is with Gray-sama. It's alright. I will fix you..Gray-sama…for Ultear-san too…Ultear-san probably didn't know how much you loved her before she died…" she added softly. "Its so sad. She never knew Gray-sama. Just like you didn't know. Its so sad."
He broke down completely then and cried. Oh how he cried.
Her heart broke a million times for him today.
He cried aloud with complete abandon, ulgy soul-crushing sobs wracking them both, allowing somebody to hold him in his pain for the first time.
He cried until he was empty and there were no tears left to shed.
He was empty. He was dry and empty but she would fill him up. She was made of water after all.
She would make him cry again. But they would be tears of happiness instead.
Gray-sama had enough sadness in his life.
"I want to make you happy, Gray-sama."
Ultear-san was the peak of his pain.
Juvia would strive to be the peak of his happy.
It was the only thing she could do for him now that he had finally let her in.