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"God fucking dammit," Nico shouted, "I got the fish again!" Allison and Jessie chuckled, "Not funny! She's been stalking me for the last seven god damn years! She takes classes outside of teaching just so she can move up and mess with me the next year! Seriously, there's no other explanation. The current teachers that I SHOULD get, end up dying. Every. Fucking. God damn. Year. Remember Mrs. Sutherland? Yeah, it took the police 2 god damn hours to get the tiger under control. I swear to god Mrs. Feeessj is going to kill me one day."
Allison sighed, "Well at least we have every other class in common. Mr. Garrison for English, Mr. Porter for art, Mrs. Chokesondick for history, Mr. Onella for PE, Mr. Shaw for Spanish, and Mr. Sjobring for biology. Wow, they really got everything down to the math class. Jessie and I both have Mr. Smith, and you have the fish again. Haha."
"I swear to god, I will slap you in the face. I won't be able to survive another year with her," Nico groaned.
"Don't worry about it, I heard Tweek is maybe in your class," Jessie smirked.
"Well now he'll actually believe me about Mrs. Feeessj."
The bell rang and the kids headed off to first period; English with Mr. Garrison.
"Hello there children, I'm your English teacher, Mr. Garrison," He gestured to a half naked man sitting on his desk, "This is Mr. Slave. He's only here so I can pound his tight ass every passing period. Right, I'm super gay!" Jessie snickered from the back of the room. "Also, I see some familiar faces out there. I used to work at South Park Elementary. Well, I got transferred for using Mr. Slave's ass as a chalkboard for extra writing space because the tiny white board was all filled up. Principle Victoria said all the kindergarteners went home in tears. So, now I'm here."
"Well, alright then.." Allison muttered.
"Anyway, today we will be learning about the book 'The Odyssey' by Homer Simpson or something . It's a piece of shit children. Your homework for tonight is to take a shit, and wipe your ass with it."
"Well if I wipe my butt w-with a book, my parents will ground me," Butters Stotch said.
Jessie laughed, "My brother can probably use the whole thing tonight. Our family goes through 3 rolls a day because he eats too much." Allison and Nico chuckled.
"For now, you may talk amongst yourselves. Mr. Slave has a rock hard erection that I'm going to blow." With that, the two men exited the room, skipping happily.
The class was silent for a few seconds before one Eric Cartman fell onto the floor laughing. "Ahaha! High School is freakin awesome!"
Nico laughed, "Yeah Fatass.. I don't think you're going to like the other classes. Garrison is easy."
"Whatever fat Mexican ho!" Cartman yelled, and continued laughing. Nico swore.
Before long English was over, and the kids headed to art with Mr. Porter.
Porter took one look at Jessie and Kenny and pointed at the door, "No. You two, out!" A few years back the couple had been forced to draw nudes for community service. While Kenny promptly refused to draw some guy's shlong, Jessie had taken it apon herself to draw an incredibly detailed picture of the model's dick with hearts and smiley faces surrounding it.
"See you guys!" Allison ran in and sat next to her boyfriend Kyle, who was in the middle of painting some dumbass color wheel. "Hey Kyle!" The boy gave her a quick cheek kiss before continuing his painting.
Nico waved goodbye to Jessie and Kenny and went to sit next to his rightful boyfriend Tweek. "G-gah! Hi Nico!" He smiled as he sat next to Tweek.
Mr. Porter walked up to the front of the room and banged on the white board with a dry erase marker, "Hey, hey! Listen up you monkeys! Today we are going to have our introduction to modern color. As you could see when we walked in, there was materials you should have picked up before you all sat down." He was a somewhat medium height man with brown messy hair and a goatie covering the bottom of his face. His glasses were pushed far up onto his nose, and he looked intent on continuing with the lesson. Most of the kids had to stand up and retrieve their materials. After everyone was back into their seats, the teacher talked for a good half hour about colors and history of art and stuff. The whole class looked like they would fall asleep, all except for Tweek, who was drinking coffee and bouncing up and down in his chair.
Another 15 minutes of painting passed until the bell rang, and anxious students ran to their next class.
The three teens arrived at the door to the history room. They hesitantly opened it. All three of them hated the subject, but they all learned to fear it after they saw what was inside. There was the corpse of a lady with seemingly prominent breasts, and a massive cock shoved down her throat. They all screamed and ran out of the room.
A man stood in the way, and they all bumped into him. Turning around, Nico asked, "Who are you!?"
The man replied but the kids couldn't pay attention to his words because all they could think of was how much he sounded like Kermit the Frog. He ushered them into the room nextdoor, where the other kids were waiting.
"Eww, it's that lame bitch," Bebe Stevens sneered.
"Oh shit, something smells horrible in here," he said, walking over and sitting next to the girl. Fanning his. hand toward Bebe, he raised his hand, "Excuse me teacher? Could we open a window in here? It smells like a skank with herpes."
Bebe scoffed, "Very funny Mexican ho."
"Hey that's my line!" Cartman yelled from the other side of the room.
"Hey, guys lets keep it down in here. I'm Mr. Askankwithherpes, and you," the teacher spoke, pointing at Nico, "Are a horrible person. As punishment, you will smell my finger in front of the whole class."
Bebe and her group of girls burst out laughing as Nico's friends tried to shut them up.
Nico walked up to the front of the room, bent down and sniffed. "Bacon? Yuck. Thanks for sharing, asshole."
Mr. Askankwithherpes laughed, "I took Ms. Piggy to bed and never washed my hands. I've been waiting 10 years for this moment."
Nico turned a shade of Kermit green and proceeded to vomit all over the teacher's dress pants.
Tweek jumped out of his desk and grabbed Nico, pulling him back to his desk and giving him a sip of his coffee. He coughed, but settled down in his chair. "Y-you d-dont-gah!- mess with my b-boyfriend!" Tweek spat.
The teacher laughed at him, "Because you children are such horrible people, I will now assign your first homework assignment of the year, all of you must write an 8,000 word research report on the Cold War."
Everyone groaned. "Dude, this teacher sucks balls," Stan whispered to Kyle.
"Dude, this is for sure my worst class so far," Kyle replied, taking ahold of Allison's hand, "I'll get you out of this," he winked at her. Allison smiled and blushed at him.
Their history class seemed to drag on forever, until finally the students had snack time.
Nico, Tweek, Allison, Kyle, Jessie, Kenny, Wendy and Stan all sat in a far corner of the high school, attempting at all costs to avoid any other horrid teachers. They talked, kissed their respected dates, and before long headed to their next class.
Finally, a normal teacher. Spanish class was next, and their teacher called himself Señor Shaw. Crazy curly hair, dorky glasses, and a constant corny smile, everyone enjoyed the class. It seemed to go by the fastest to them, but probably because time flys when you're actually having fun.
Next class was biology with Mr. Sjobring. "Excuse me Sir," Butters tapped the shoulder of a giant frog standing in the corner, "Where is our teacher?"
The frog stirred, "I am your teacher!" Mr. Sjobring, spelled, "' G,' but pronounced like 'show-bring." He wrote his name on the board, and smiled, "Since today is just the first day, I thought all of you would just like to get used to my class."
Jessie smiled, "Finally a normal teacher!"
Mr. Sjobring pulled a tray out from behind his desk. Resting on it was a dead frog.
Jessie frowned, "Spoke too soon." Kenny chuckled and pat her back.
"Today we will be put into partners and dissecting frogs!" Mr. S exclaimed with a smile on his face.
"Um, that's so wrong. That isn't like, your brother or anything?" Stan Marsh asked.
Mr. Sjobring tilted his head in confusion, "Huh?"
"Why would you make us dissect something of your species?" Cartman yelled, who sadly was in this class with them as well. (Small school, bleh.)
Mr. S apparently took offense to that. He slammed the tray down onto the floor, and the students watched as the frog went flying; right onto the desk of Butters Stotch. The boy screamed and ran out of the room. "Don't you dare make fun of trans-species! Just because we're different from you, doesn't mean we deserve shit from everyone! God, so what if my mom fucked and married a frog, why the hell does it matter?" Mr. Sjobring fumed.
The kids flinched, but he finally calmed down. "What ever haters. See you in hell."
"Oh you know Satan? Nice guy!" Kenny yelled out, "Tell him I said hi."
The demented frog thing strode out of the room, leaving the kids confused and alone. Butters ran back into the classroom yelling loudly, "You guys, you guys! I just saw a turtle out there on the field!"
"That's nice fag," Cartman laughed.
"No! I'm serious!" Butters said, "He had a baseball cap on, but no shell. He drove onto campus in an old truck. And guess what it said on the side!?"
"Butters likes men?" Cartman laughed again.
"No! It said Sam Onella's Cock Plantation!" What could it mean?
"Well he's obviously a PE teacher, so maybe we'll find out next period," Allison replied, "Why the hell are there so many trans-species for teachers?"
The kids talked for what seemed like another hour, until the bell rang and they hustled to PE.
True to Butter's recent statement, there on the field stood an old turtle wearing sports clothes, an old baseball cap, and didn't seem to have a shell.
"Good morning! I am Sam Onella. But please call me Mr. Onella. I will be your PE teacher for the year. To begin I ask of you that you put these on." He tossed a uniform to each child, "The girls locker room is over there, and the boy's is there. Five minutes to change, so hurry!"
The clothes smelled like reptile and were sticky and baggy on them.
"Aww fuck, this is gross!" Allison said.
"You know that's right," Nico replied.
The children re-grouped in the gym with Mr. Onella, who insisted they stretch, do 31 sit-ups, and 31 push-ups. Cartman was about to pass out, even though he only did two sit-ups. "Now go run a lap around the track kids!" Mr. Onella ordered.
"Aw fuck it, come on!" Nico begged, "Don't do this.."
The mutant turtle rubbed his cold reptile hands down Nico's arm, "I loooooooooove you."
The frightened boy took off in full speed and ran 3 extra laps just to avoid him, completing a full mile.
Mr. Onella welcomed him back with a smile and open arms. "Get the fuck away perv!"
"Aw, come on now," he said, "give me a hug."
"Don't do it!" Stan shouted, "I did a research paper on turtles last year. They can carry a horrid disease called salmonella."
Nico looked back, "What made you think I was going to do that in the first place?"
Mr. Onella ran over to the ping pong tables that were set up, and as he did a business card fell out of his pocket. Everyone was afraid of getting salmonella, so they made Butters pick it up. "Mr. Onella's cock plantation," he read, "See I told you guys! It says here.. He grows them to blow them. And then there's a number listed here."
"Hey Mexican Ho! Call the number!" Eric Cartman yelled at Nico.
He flipped him the bird, but took out his phone and dialed the number, setting it to speaker phone so that everyone could hear.
"You've reached Sam Onella's Cock Plantation. Grow them to blow them. If you are interested in purchasing some dicks press 1. If you are here for seed press 2. If you have a problem or complaint, feel free to suck a complementary cock. Leave your message after the beep."
The phone beeped and he hung up. The room was silent.
"Umm.. Dafuq," Nico breathed out.
Mr. Onella yelled to the kids to come and play ping pong now, and they all shook their heads, and hid in the corner. The turtle teacher had contaminated everything. He kept trying to hug them all, and it became a wild goose chase around the gym, ducking under tables, jumping up and grabbing basketball nets and swinging to safety.. That whole facade went on until the bell rang. The students ripped off their jerseys and headed off to their last class.
This was the one class Nico had been dreading all day, math with Mrs. Feeessj. Allison and Jessie waved goodbye as they stepped into their class, while Nico went alone to the origin of his worst nightmares and fears.
The door creaked open, and Nico's first sight was a lone desk in the middle of the room, with a light on it; the rest was dark. The jowled teacher stepped out of the shadows, "Hello Nico."
"Where are the other kids?" He asked.
"Oh, I made sure that this year, it was just you and me. Alone," Mrs. Feeessj cackled, her jowls quivering.
"No," Nico refused to believe it.
"Oh yes," the fish said, "And this class also involves numerous jowl cleaning and massaging from you!"
The already mostly black room turned full black as the young boy passed out.