Drought
13th January
"Pain is bearable.
It's the thought of continuing on without you that kills me every time I open my eyes and find that you aren't there lying beside me. It's like a red hot poker sticking through my chest, twisting it's way through my body until I can't feel anything at all."
17th January
"I spend my days numb and my nights in agony. Crying into sheets that used to smell like you, but all I smell now is my tears, washing away the last of you.
I wake up every morning forgetting, thinking you're in another room, but realization hits me hard. It knocks me backwards, pinning me to the mattress until I'm forced to go about the day as if nothing's wrong.
I can't grieve in peace."
29th January
"I can't grieve in peace.
I'm not alone, no one ever leaves me alone. And it's annoying. We used to be inseparable, and as intolerable as you were, you were better than this. You weren't in my business, you weren't telling how to live my life as if I was incapable of doing it before. You let me be when I needed."
3rd February
"I miss you. There, I said it. I miss you and it aches in my chest. There's a black hole that you left when you left.
You left.
You left me.
You left us.
You left everything we had. Everything we could have had."
16th February
"I need to know if it plagues you like it plagues me. As if every what if in existence is on a constant loop inside your mind as it is mine. We could have had so much, we had so much. And you threw it away for her. You threw it away for...her. Her. Not me. Her."
3rd March
"I used to spend a lot of nights wondering what it was that drove you away. Was she truly better than me? Was she truly what made you happy?
What about me? Did you think about me at all? Why? Why? Why? Why would you do this? Why would do this to me? To us?"
19th March
"I feel trapped. Caged in. An animal on display at the circus for everyone to point and laugh at. That's what they're doing. Pointing and laughing, but only when I'm not looking. Up front they 'care'. They pity me. I don't need pity. I don't need pity from them, or from you. I don't need you."
28th March
"It's raining in our room again, and I'm caught in the storm. I can't escape, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm drowning in you. I'm drowning in us. I'm drowning in the memories that you left behind when you ran out that stupid, God-damn door! You didn't stop to pick them up as you went."
17th April
"I'm drowning in this drought."
8th May
"I had to clean it all out today. The storm left everything a wreck and it all had to go. Everything. Everything that was ours. Everything was yours. Gone. No longer here to haunt me. My thoughts, my memories. I can't let you taint them anymore. I can't let you hurt me anymore."
31st May
"Breathe in. Breathe out. I started again today."
13th June
"I passed out place today. I didn't even stop to remember. I carried on walking, right past all the good and the bad."
17th June
"I passed our place today. I stopped to remember and had to rush home to stop myself from crying in public. I threw myself onto our bed and cried.
I cried and I cried.
I lied and I lied.
I'm not doing better. I'm doing worse. I can't take this anymore. I keep thinking you're going to come back to me, and I know that if you did I was greet you with open arms and it hurts. It fucking kills me because I know I know I know that you don't think the same thing. You don't feel the same way and I hate you for making me so weak."
31st July
"I give up. You win. This stupid game. You win. You win. You win. Just leave me alone. Stop haunting my thoughts. I'm done with you."
1st August
"I emptied everything. Anything that was left by you, it's gone for good this time. I changed the sheets and they smell fresh. They smell like a new beginning. They smell...not like you. Nothing smells like you. I'm not reminded of you anymore."
18th August
"I made a new route today. I no longer have to walk past our place."
3rd September
"I heard today that she left you. Just like you left me. Karma really is a bitch, huh?"
4th September
"I hope you come here, grovelling for my forgiveness, just so I can slam the door in your face. You don't deserve me anymore."
19th September
"I started over. Again. I keep starting over again and again and again. Every time I find my mind wandering to you, I start over. It happens less and less these days, but it still happens."
12th October
"It's been ten months. Ten whole months. I can't say that there are still moments where I don't miss you because there are. I miss you like cray from time to time, but I've learnt to adjust. I've learnt that it's not a bad thing to hold onto the good. Ten months. I'm ten months older, ten months wiser. Things that used to burn me ten months ago barely leave a scratch anymore.
I want to thank you. I want to thank you for everything, the good and the bad. Even though you're a back-stabbing jerk, I'm glad that you were for two reasons.
Number one, I'm no longer stuck with you. No longer playing your little fool.
Number two, I never would have realized how strong I am without you.
So I bid you farewell, dear Duncan. I say goodbye to you now for good and for always. I'm done with you. I'm done with drowning in this drought."
October 13th
The fire cracked and burned, the flames licking at the side of the old brick wall that encased it. She knelt carefully on the floor, her short, brunette hair curtaining around her face, hiding her delicate features from the dangerous flames. She didn't feel the heat, feel the burn. Her mind was focused on the box on her lap, the lid discarded on the floor to her left.
Twenty letters. Twenty miserable memories, reminders. Yesterday they were hurting her, burning through her soul. Today they released her as she released them into the flames.
A/N: Damn. That was intense.
Kinda got the idea from listening to Clean by Taylor Swift. I am obsessed with that song to say the least.
There were also a few other factors behind it...I've been wanting to write something in this style of writing for a while, I'm feeling particularly angsty today, and this is kinda based on a true life experience so
Thanks for reading, please review (:
Love, ChloeRhiannonX