I haven't written in a long time but I hope you like this. Please leave a review!
Disclaimer: I feel like a broken recorder ; I do not own YNM nor do I make any profits.
Hisoka stared stonily out the window watching the Sakura petals fall slowly to the ground to join the sea of pink. He had finished his report on the latest mission and was now waiting for Tsuzuki to come back from the infirmary.
What had started as a standard go-in-and-retrieve mission turned into a fight for the young woman's soul. As usual Tsuzuki had ended up fighting the demon that had been devouring the women's soul while he was in the back useless.
He hated his weakness. Tsuzuki had accepted him as he was, but Hisoka did not like who he was. His partner always told him he was perfect as he was but deep in his heart Hisoka felt he could be so much better.
If it wasn't for this cursed, literally and figuratively, eternally young body he could possibly help Tsuzuki more and himself. As it was he was having a hard time accepting that in this immature body he was limited.
Tsuzuki would often mention size wasn't always much of a factor but what did he know? He was tall, gorgeous and extremely powerful. Besides Hisoka was an empath and nobody could deny the frailty of his body but with a double taxation of receiving and housing wayward burdening emotions it was nearly impossible to function.
Hisoka dropped his head against the desk, something he only allowed himself when he was alone. Tsuzuki and he had become closer over the years but a small barrier was always there sometimes growing thicker or taller but that never deterred the two from working together and getting along.
Of course the barriers were the ones Hisoka placed. Tsuzuki had very few to no secrets and as it were he knew some of them anyways. What bothered Hisoka was that he had to read them off the man, Tsuzuki never volunteered information of his past or anything that was remotely troubling.
He always felt like he would burden people with it or that they didn't care. But Hisoka knew, he cared and he wasn't going anywhere. It was only fair that Tsuzuki kept things to himself it wasn't as if Hisoka ever volunteered information of himself.
The blond groaned in frustration, trying to make sense of his emotions and thoughts was like trying to get Tatsumi to give Tsuzuki a raise; impossible
He quickly lifted his head and his shields as he felt a slight bundle of mixed emotions come his way. Tsuzuki had improved his shields but no matter how strong they were Hisoka could always feel something, ever since Kyoto that was.
The door, much to Hisoka's surprise, did not burst open but was opened silently. Tsuzuki walked in and out of habit Hisoka noticed Tsuzuki was doing his damnest to maintain a strong shield blocking both emotions and thoughts.
Moments like this, despite Tsuzuki's best always ended up being awkward for them. It only served to irritate the young empath further. Standing he walked silently to where his partner was. Looking up he saw new shadows in the amethyst eyes and his heart gave a painful wretch.
Unable to cope he walked past the silent man and out into the cold hallway not bothering to check if Tsuzuki was behind him. Hisoka's demons were riding him hard and Tsuzuki's mixed and intense emotions were not helping.
Tsuzuki trailed behind the stonily silent youth his head bowed and eyes tired. It was times like this that he wondered why he had left Toudas embrace. Walking out he looked up at just the moment to see the last of the suns ray reflect of his partner illuminating him in light and making his emerald eyes reflect the light.
'And that is why' Tsuzuki thought 'This boy, no young man gave everything he had everything he was to save me. It was no easy feat either but he did it nonetheless. He gave me purpose and showed me light."
He was brought out of his musing when Hisoka stopped. Looking up he noticed they were at Hisoka's apartment. Sensing Hisoka wanted to be alone he smiled and took a step back "Well here we are. I'll be heading down to Solace, so I'll see you tomorrow."
Turning he was about to leave when his name softly spoken stopped him. Looking over his shoulder he saw Hisoka looking down at the concrete his hands clenched at his side. Looking up but not meeting his eyes he muttered "Come up"
Tsuzuki forced a smile he wasn't really feeling out of habit and shook his head lightly "Nah thanks. You need some time to unwind."
"Don't tell me what I need or don't need! Just come with me. I don't want to have to drag your drunk ass out of a bar."
Turning he marched up the steps. He knew it was cruel and controlling but his emotions were riding him hard. He was still trying to get them back in order since Kyoto but the cursed things were refusing to be closeted again.
Opening his door he walked in and took of his shoes. He stomped slightly to his kitchen and put water to boil hearing the door softly close behind him he took long even breathes trying to control himself. It wasn't Tsuzuiki's fault but his own temper and insecurities.
Everything had been brought into sharp focus after Kyoto yet at the same time everything had , in few words, gone to hell. Feeling's for Tsuzuki, feelings he had been suppressing had rushed out and were now drowning him. He knew he felt something more than partnership, more than friendship towards Tsuzuki but he didn't know what to do with it or even if he should do anything.
Everything was so confusing. It wasn't like he was ignorant of these things, or feelings. He might not have known much growing up but as a Shinigami he had, had a chance to grow mentally if not physically. If there were even a glimmer of a chance for something …else to happen between them, which in itself could take centuries as they both tended to tip toe around subjects and matters that involved more than a cardboard smile, he would have to be stronger, an equal to Tsuzuki.
Hisoka jumped up and whirled his energy rising and sending a blast. His eyes filled with remorse and anger at himself as he saw and heard Tsuzuki yelp and jump back cradling his burned hand to his chest.
"Idiot you know you shouldn't sneak up behind me."
Hisoka cringed at the harsh words even as he turned to get a wet rag to ease the temporary pain even as the knife in his heart twisted and embedded itself deeper into his already bruised heart.
"I just wanted to tell you the tea was ready." Tsuzuki murmured. He took the cloth from the blond youth and turned away. "I think it would be better if I left now, Hisoka."
"No it's fine. I'm…I'm sorry" the empathy said as he poured tea into cups. Something fierce was building in his chest, something big and he was deathly afraid he wouldn't be able to hold whatever it was in. He hadn't even realized he had insisted for his partner to stay.
"Hisoka."
Tsuzuki looked over at his partner and noted the trembling shoulders and the blurry eyes. He knew something was terribly wrong with his partner but every time he attempted to get closer to Hisoka the blond shinigami would simply push him away and build even stronger walls.
If it weren't for Kyoto he would have thought Hisoka hated him. But fact was he didn't and if something was hurting his partner he had to help because; Hisoka was his hope, his anchor and most importantly his best friend. He wished there could be more but Hisoka was shaky enough as friends and Tsuzuki didn't want to push his partner away, not the way he had Tatsumi.
" I'm fine. You should drink your tea before it gets cold"
His voice sounded shaky even to himself. Hisoka bit his lip hard to make it stop trembling but to his horror tears stung his eyes and his shoulders shook. No, no, he couldn't fall apart in front of Tsuzuki, not now, not ever.
With a small sound he turned sharply and ran out of the room ignoring Tsuzuki's alarmed cries. He dashed past the living room and into his small dark room. He stood in the middle of the room soft shadows cast around the spartan like room. His body trembled uncontrollably as his breath jerked in and out if his lungs with the effort it took to maintain the flood of tears from falling.
Why couldn't he ever control anything? Why was he so damn weak? He was so useless, so scared and useless.
He felt two strong arms come around him "No Hisoka! You are not useless or weak don't ever say that!"
Hisoka felt himself being drawn back into a hard chest and with a cry he wretched himself away. Spinning around the snarl died on his lips, a flash of rage shot through him and pale hands reached for him. With a panicked cry he stumbled back, his breathing becoming erratic.
A faint buzz in his ear soon became his name. Blinking he saw Tsuzuki several feet away his hands clenched at his side, his expression of concern and confusion. Hisoka was flushed with embarrassment, his face loosing the little color it had regained. Closing his eyes his slight body began to shake in anger at himself, in shame.
Tsuzuki couldn't take his young partners pain, calling out softly to him he took a few steps forward his hand outstretched when a sharp "Don't" cut through him. Hisoka opened his eyes slowly revealing the misery that lurked behind the sheen of tears.
"I can't do it."
"Hisoka?"
The blond youth shook his head. "Don't you see Tsuzuki? I'm no good to you or anyone! I can't control my empathy, my memories or my demons! I'm useless!"
"That's not true Hisoka!"
"Yes it is!" Hisoka screamed "You think I don't feel the others pity when they see me? You think I can't hear what they think? 'Poor Hisoka, he looks beat' 'Poor Tsuzuki always having to take care of that poor boy' "poor kid this job is too hard. He can't make it. What was the Chief thinking?'"
Hisoka was unaware of the tears running down his face "And it's true! God it's true! It's always you who has to protect me, you always hurt because of me and I can never do anything about it, not with this frail and cursed body. Not with this shattered mind"
Tsuzuki was shaking his head. "No you are so much more Hisoka! Don't say that…" he moved towards Hisoka but for every step he took forward Hisoka took one step back. "you're my partner Hisoka, my friend and your whole. You…"
"Stop it! Just stop" Hisoka screamed. All his emotions were drowning him, battering at him like the relentless waves on a cliff. He faced the mirror and all he saw were dark circles under red rimmed crazed eyes. A frail body and his fathers disgusted face. Screaming he raised a fist and slammed it into the mirror. The mirror cracked and as if in slow motions slowly fell to the ground, Hisoka's blood sprinkling the glass. The blonds shoulders heaved a he tried to breath.
Turning slowly amidst the broken glass, he looked up slowly at a stunned Tsuzuki. "This is who I am" he gestured to the broken pieces that reflected him, some with blood splattered on them "I am so many things that make up nothing, yet always tainted and never whole.
o.0.o
Watari sighed and shook his head. He was leaning against the doorframe that led to Tsuzuki's and Hisoka's office neither had looked up nor noticed him. The office was like a tomb, silent, cold and well, dead.
Smiling sadly he walked back to his lab wondering what had happened and hoping that it would end soon. A silent and sad Tsuzuki was heartbreaking and that went for Bon as well.
Hisoka glanced up when the worried and sad bundle moved on. Sighing lightly under his breath he peeked over at Tsuzuki and nearly cried. Since his breakdown a week ago Tsuzuki and he hadn't spoken at all. He because he was so ashamed and didn't know what to say and Tsuzuki…he honestly did not know.
All his emotions were muted completely. Now he sat at his desk and quietly scribbled away at his paper work, never asking for sweets or complaining about work. Hisoka had to blink back the hot tears that threatened to fall. What had he done?
With a strangled sob he jumped to his feet and ran out the door nearly knocking down a startled Tatsumi. He ignored the shout for him to stop and kept running out of the oppressing silence, away from the one thing in his life that was ever good to him, the one thing he had torn to pieces with his stupidity and weakness.
He collapsed against a Sakura tree and just laid there panting trying to bring oxygen into his burning lungs, his legs trembling with the effort it had taken him to make the mad dash into the mini forest. The tears fell like a torrent as the dark yawning hole opened deeper in his mind and heart.
Suddenly two black shoes appeared before him, trembling he slowly looked up past the black pants, a wrinkled white shirt with its crooked tie and he paused before taking a deep breath his gaze landed in amethyst pools swimming with concern.
Slowly the older shinigami crouched down in front of him, never breaking eye contact he reached out a hand and giving Hisoka time to pull away he brushed aside some of the corn silk hair that covered his face. Hisoka's breath caught in his lungs when Tsuzuki gave him a small smile; a small genuine smile.
"I want to show you something" Tsuzuki said simply. Standing he offered his hand to the trembling youth. Hesitantly Hisoka placed his hand on Tsuzuki's much larger one and closed his eyes braced for the emotions that would crash into him.
It took him a few minutes to realize that he hadn't gone numb from any strong emotions, there were none! Frowning he looked up, that wasn't right. There was something there, there always was. Looking at their joined hands he concentrated and realized it was warmth he felt, Tsuzuki's emotions were at peace, serene.
Hisoka's gaze flew to Tsuzuki's and was met with a radiant smile. "Come" Nodding numbly Hisoka stood and before he knew it Tsuzuki had flashed them to his apartment. A wave of dizziness washed over him, the lack of sleep and food rushed into him with the sudden movements. But he didn't fall.
Looking up he saw Tsuzuki, his eyes concerned but no pity. Letting him go he silently offered his arm and Hisoka took it gratefully knowing there was no lecture involved, no smothering concern or fake cheerfulness. Tsuzuki lead Hisoka to his lumpy, yet somehow comfortable couch and ambled of towards the kitchen.
Glancing around he noticed the usual mess; clothes strewn around some bottles and papers. On the table old magazines littered the top; curiously he bent forward as something shimmering on the surface of them caught his eyes. Fine powder covered the magazines, swiping a finger across them he brought it up close trying to identify what the substance was but was unable to.
A light noise made him look up, his gaze landing on the tray the amethyst eyes shinigami was holding.
"I know, I know! I shouldn't always try to take care of you and feed you; you do it fine on your own. That's why" he said as je put the tray down "it's only tea and dumplings. It's not a meal only a snack." He pronounced proudly.
Hisoka opened his mouth but nothing came out. Shaking his head he reached for the tea and took a sip allowing the warmth to soothe him. He glanced sideways at his partner. "You've improved"
Tsuzuki smiled widely and chuckled reaching for his own tea. Hisoka stared at the dumplings, a sense of dread filling him as he slowly reached for one. They looked fine but…
Once again Tsuzuki laughed. "It's fine Hisoka I didn't make them. Wakaba-san gave them to me just yesterday"
Smiling slightly Hisoka took one and bit into it, his cheeks coloring a pretty pink as embarrassment infused him. Silence descended upon them and after a few minutes Hisoka began to shift uncomfortably. Sighing he started to speak "Tsuzuki I…"
"No Hisoka." He interrupted "It's my turn to talk now. Just listen please."
Hisoka nodded mutely. He couldn't look at Tsuzuki, not now instead he stared at his hands and the cup of tea he held. A burning sensation in his chest began and his hands started to tremble lightly.
"I know that we, and sometimes especially I make you feel inferior somehow. That you can't do the task assigned to you and I'm sorry. I was, am a hypocrite in doing so because people think I am frail too."
Hisoka looked up in shock. He had not been expecting that, hadn't even thought about it. "Tsuzuki" the older man held a hand up and Hisoka closed his mouth his eyes asking questions that he could not voice out.
"It is not that I believe you can't do something Hisoka but I want to protect you from everything I can. And it's not because you are weak Hisoka, never that but because I care for you."
Amethyst locked with green, never wavering.
"You are special Hisoka, to me and as a person and…" he paused looking down at his clenched hands. Hisoka didn't have to feel the struggle within his partner when he could so plainly see it. He could see what it cost Tsuzuki to say this, to admit it and it touched the jaded teen in places he didn't know he had, brought emotion forth that he never had need to feel.
"you make me feel human" he finally whispered. Hisoka's eyes widened and the empty cup fell to ground. Standing up Tsuzuki quickly walked to the bedroom trails of emotions were left in his wake like a shooting star.
Embarrassment, slight fear, anxiety, but the most prominent emotion was determination. Hisoka couldn't move, couldn't breath or think. He sat numbly trying to process everything that Tsuzuki had just declared. There was no pity in the man, no falseness in his speech. Everything Tsuzuki had said, he meant, down to his core.
Tsuzuki walked back out slowly carrying something large covered by a blanket. With an almost sheepish expression he walked to the wall and carefully hung whatever it was that he had. Making sure it was stable he took a deep breath before walking back to Hisoka. Silently he offered his hand and was delighted when Hisoka reached for it with less hesitancy than before.
Walking over they stood silently next to covered object. Hisoka looked up curiously at his partner but Tsuzuki merely shook his head and gestured to the cover. Hisoka faced it, his mind racing and his body full of emotions, for once, for one selfish moment they were his and only his. Slowly, his hand quivering lightly he grasped the cloth. Holding his breath he gives it the lightest of tugs and the cover slowly slithers down.
Hisoka's breath catches in a gasp, his eyes widen and burn with the sudden rush of tears. Before him was a mirror, a broken beautiful mirror. Each piece held a carved image, a picture of his life, his friends and his partner.
Tsuzuki and he standing side by side, 033 and Watari laughing and holding a hand up in greeting. Tatsumi-san offering a helping hand. Tsuzuki's 12 shikigami gathered like a true family, him reading, taking a nap in the Sakura tree, Tsuzuki with a doughnut in his mouth and a book flying towards his head, Tsuzuki laughing and holding Hisoka. It was Hisoka's life as a shikigami each piece of glass representing what he had, his memories and family. In the center was a katana with swirls all around it, and Hisoka understood that those swirls represented his empathy but behind the katana was a shield and three names were etched into it; Tsuzuki, Watari, Tatsumi.
Silent tears coursed down his face as he slowly turned to Tsuzuki. His amethyst eyes were warm with affection, his feelings a warm river of compassion, understanding and happiness and comfort.
" A mirror might shatter and never be the same again but it does not mean it can't be brought together better and more beautiful with love and care" Slowly Tsuzuki wrapped his arms around the shaking shinigami and pulled the unresisting teen against him. When he felt Hisoka hesitantly returning the embrace he held the youth closer and bent his head and softly whispered "I might have the power to protect you from outer forces Hisoka but you do so much more. You save me from myself and my demons. So please let me protect you so you can protect me."
Hisoka pulled back a little but remained within the circle of Tsuzuki's arms. "Baka" he whispered. Tsuzuki smiled and Hisoka finally gave in.
Leaning his head against the warm solid chest he gave a contented sigh "My baka. Don't ever let go because you are the glue that holds me together."
The dying ray of light touched the mirror bringing every image to life and the katana gleamed ready to cut down any demon that interfered, and his shield was ready to support and care for it's precious jewel.
Maybe it wasn't that good, the ending kinda went blah but please leave a review!