Because That's Just How It Is
It's three in the morning and Katie is floating on a cloud of alcohol. Effy laughs at Katie stumbling up her front walk and they help each other inside. They drank and danced the night away, fighting off advances from tossers, swallowing pills that stuck in their throats, and pushing themselves into a place where it was ok to let the walls down.
Effy pushes Katie into her dark room, causing Katie to trip into her dresser. Effy doesn't hit the lights because that's not in the script. Katie pulls herself up and pulls Effy towards her. In the dark it's easier, less scary, it doesn't mean as much. Katie's lips touch Effy's without pushing in. Questioning whether it's ok. Effy wraps her hand around Katie's neck and pulls her further in. The question has been answered.
The bed creaks as the two familiar bodies move over it. Hands searching, fingers fumbling, buttons popping, hips grinding. It's not gentle because it's not supposed to be. Effy's slender fingers push aside Katie's underwear and sink into her body. Katie's back arches at the feelings that aren't supposed to be inside her. Effy's tongue pumps into Katie's mouth, timing the beats with fingers and pounding hearts.
Katie begins to unravel and she relishes sinking even further into the burning darkness that is Effy Stonem. Wondering briefly what this would feel like sober; Katie flips Effy over and slides over her hot body. Effy grins into Katie's mouth even as it slides away from her lips and down her chest, her stomach, her thighs. She wraps a hand in Katie's hair and pushes her closer, willing Katie to possess her. Wishing that one day she really could.
Effy's moan is muffled because she bites her bottom lip so hard that it begins to bleed. Katie doesn't stop because she never stops. She doesn't show concern because that's against the rules. Katie fucks Effy until for once even she has to relinquish control. Katie's fingernails rake Effy's bare hips and Effy rockets past the edge of control. Only in this oblivion can she find peace.
There's no kissing afterwards. No cuddling. Effy rolls over and pulls the covers up to her shoulders. She listens as Katie gets dressed and wishes that perhaps just once she'd actually stay. When Katie has pulled on clothes and reconstructed her walls, Effy turns to look at her. Bright eyes meet in the dark room, regret, love, and pain shining in blue and brown.
"This can't happen again," Katie murmurs to no one in particular. Effy nods but she's heard the words before. "It won't," she answers. Now its Katie's turn to nod because that's what she's supposed to do. They agree to mistakes and keep greedily making them over and over.
Effy watches Katie until she knows she's not supposed to anymore. Eyes break away and the silence fills minds and hearts. It's time to leave and time to let go. The coming together is easy, enough alcohol and drugs takes care of that. The leaving each other is harder. After being so close, it's hard to be so far away.
Katie forces her feet to carry her from the dark room and Effy forces herself to watch Katie walk away. At the door Katie murmurs, "Bye Effy," and it sounds final. Effy understands. It sounds the same every time. Each time is a new beginning and a new heartbreaking end. Each ending leaves them raw and hurting but the new beginning is shining on the horizon waiting to make them whole again.
"Bye Katie," Effy says, even though Katie is already gone. She rolls over and tries to sleep. Katie walks down empty streets, her heels clicking on cracked sidewalks. Effy hugs the pillow tightly to her chest, pushing away loneliness but still somehow finding it anyways. Katie brushes a tear away from her cheek and rubs its wetness on the material of her skirt.
They leave each other broken, unsure, wanting, needing, and somehow knowing that there will always be a next time. There will always be more drugs, more drinks. There will always be heated glances, whispered words, untouched feelings, and unsure advances. There will always be the darkness inside of Effy's room and the glide of lips across skin. However, even though there would always be another time, there would always be this lonely walk home and the girl falling asleep in a cold bed. There would always be pain and emptiness. Two little girls afraid of each other and afraid of the world. Two little girls embracing the doubt and fear raging inside of them and calling it by the name Effy or the name Katie. It's the same every time, it's different and new every time, its expected and it's a surprise, it's love and it's hate…because that's just how it is.