I walk in and set my keys down on the counter. I sit down at the couch, and know what's coming. The first tear stings as it slides down my face, cold and salty. The thoughts run through my head like a marathon with no winner. Why seems to be the only thing I can understand in my own thoughts.
It had been a long day. Scratch that, a long year. I have never questioned myself as much as I am in this one moment. Have I lost sight of it all? Am I ever truly happy? What am I even working towards if i'm not helping people. It's all swirling around my head as I break down, unable to breathe, or stop the wail coming out of my mouth.
Stone said he couldn't do it anymore, he'd lost sight of it all. That's exactly what Barba said, and what… Elliot said. Even though I don't want to, I can't help but think this is my fault. . Everyone around me is leaving, going on to better things. Am I the reason why? I've never had someone like stone, He was almost perfect. He cared, truly cared about the cases and their victims. He wasn't afraid to tell me I was wrong. He liked me, and I knew it. There was this tension that I thought we were finally breaking, but maybe that was just me pushing.
As I sit there thinking about the day, and hell the year, I hear a knock at my door. I look through the peephole as if I don't know it's him. "Yes" I say as I open the door. "Have you been crying?" He says, walking inside. Before I try to brush the wetness away I realize it's no use, he knows me better. "I just don't know how to feel" I say, too tired to dance around the truth. He holds my hands in his, knowing I just need to know it's going to be okay. "I did what I did because I care about you" I nod, knowing what he's trying to say. "Peter, I hate that it has to be my fault" I say, almost in a whisper. He tears up. "You know that's not what i'm saying, I'm saying that it's my fault that the decision was made, and that I would have done it no matter what." I sit on it for a moment. "But, why for me? Why my son? I don't understand why you haven't when every other kid was being targeted in your career." He can barely speak at this point, choking up. "Liv," He pauses. "I did it because it's you, and because I couldn't handle to watch you worry every single second of every day about what could happen to Noah. I know life has been hard, and that he is the only thing you have. I did it because I, because I love you Olivia" I feel his words, deep in my heart. I'm not the romantic type, and I would never let work and home life get crossed, but I know what I feel. I lean in and feel our lips touch for the first time. It's never been something I needed, or really even thought about. But in this moment, there is nothing I have ever needed more. As we deepen the kiss I feel his arms wrap around my neck, bringing me closer. We break apart and I let my head fall on his chest, feeling the warmth of his body. He let's go and we both don't know what to do or say. "So what happens next?" I say, bravely. "I don't know. I didn't really plan this out." "Have you eaten yet?" I say, feeling hungry myself.
We park at the chinese resturant down the road and walk in. We both don't really know what to say, so we sit in silence. Although what would anybody else say? The situation we're in is unknown, especially given all that's happened in the last few days. We finish our meal and walk out to the car, still not really knowing what to talk about. Once in the car we both look at eachother. "What do we do now?" He asks. I look into his eyes, knowing what I want to do, and what I should do. "There's two options…" He knows i'm saying he can sleep over, but he also knows i'm a grown woman who isn't about to have sex with him on the same night we had our first kiss, if not our only kiss. "I have to pick up Noah from the sitter, but if you'd like to stay over we have the guest room, it's late anyways." I say with a surprising amount of confidence.
The three of us walk into the door laughing about Noah's drawing of me. "I only put the horns for fun" Noah says trying to justify his 'artwork' I set my bag down and put the leftovers in the fridge. "Okay sweet boy, time for bed." He runs down the hall to his room. "So Liv, instead of having things be like this, let's just talk about it. I'm planning on getting another job, but I need to see what my options are. As for what happens with us from now on, I feel like it would be more fun to let whatever happens happen. But that's entirely up to you." My eyes are a little wide, surprised at his openness. I nod, piecing together my words. "Yes" Is all I say. He smiles.