It was the worst day of everyone's lives.
Except for the number one hyperactive, knuckle-head ninja.
"I WANNA BE, THE VERY BEST, LIKE NO ONE EVER WAAAAAS!"
Naruto pranced around the room like the gay-ish hero he was, singing that damned song everyone in this universe couldn't stand because some of their characters looked like Pokémon characters.
"SHUT UP, DOBE!" Sasuke yelled in his helium-like voice, caused by an earlier predicament when Sakura, wearing high heels for once, kicked him there.
"No way, Pikachu!" Naruto laughed. Sasuke glowered at him and shot a few shuriken into his back. Naruto fell onto the giant bowl of chicken ramen that was oddly present in Haruno's living room.
"Hn," he smirked.
"Naruto-kun!" yelled a very anxious Hyuuga, running to his side.
"YOU KILLED HIM!" she squealed, running at Sasuke with a kunai. Sakura tripped her because, even though Sasuke was probably never going to able to have children, she still kind of liked him. Which included protecting him from the uncharacteristically-raged Hinata.
"Damn you!" Hinata exclaimed. She picked up her kunai and would've stabbed Sakura in the leg if not for a newly-turned hippie Itachi bursting through the door and placing himself between the two.
"Hey, hey, man, quit with the kunai stabbing." Sasuke snorted in contempt of his older brother.
"Like you have anything to talk about, family-killer."
"I see your insults haven't gotten any better, Sasuke-kun."
"Go fuck yourself."
"Already did. Go die."
"Already did… Wait, what?!"
Itachi chuckled, took the kunai out of Hinata's hand and tucked it inside his boot.
"Your smarts haven't improved either."
Sasuke silently fumed at his older- and considerably sexier, poor Sasuke-kun, taking after his mother- brother.
"I swear, man, you shinobi have got to find out the meaning of true peace. Through this!" Hippie-Itachi proceeded to take a bag of weed out of his other boot and tossed a bit of it to everyone. Hinata, anger pushed aside, placed some in Naruto's hair and lit it on fire. Naruto, allured out of death's grip by the scent of weed mixed with ramen, shot up like a spring and hit his head on the roof.
"OW! What the fuck is that smell? It's awesome! Believe it!" Naruto started bouncing around the cherry-blossom's house like a really fucked-up rabbit. Itachi just smirked.
"See, bro? Ramen understands the true grooviness of weed and peace."
"He's high!" Sasuke exclaimed, waving his arms around for added effect.
"That's the point, dude! When you're high on psyche, all you hear is John Lennon fucking Yoko and all you see are pink and blue butterflies flying away into the horizon…"
"You're high, too, aren't you?"
"Damn straight."
Suddenly, everyone's favorite Sakura fanboy burst through the door.
"Sakura-san, Sakura-san! I've come to rescue you from the druggies!" Fag Lee exclaimed, jumping up and down. Sasuke put a protective arm around Sakura's waist and backed away from him.
"LEE, GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE! WE'RE NOT DONE TRAINING OUR- Well, hell-o, Kurenai-chan." Guy-sensei struck the nice guy pose at her, who shriveled away to nothing at the sight of our favorite pedophile sensei wearing nothing but a speedo…
Some things, no one wants to know.
Lee, somehow not hearing his sensei, started trying to kiss Sakura, who instinctively bucked her heeled-shoe at Lee's crotch.
Some people were amazed he actually had something there. The apparently-drunken Lee cried out in pain and Guy-sensei picked him up, running out the broken door, trying to comfort his mindfucked student.
"Well then…" Itachi said, his voice trailing off. Suddenly, a crash was heard from the direction of the kitchen.
"YOU- YOU- YOU… PERVERT!" yelled a voice that sounded suspiciously like Tsunade, followed by a slap.
"Hey, hey, like I haven't heard that one before…"
"JIRAIYA! I WILL KEEEEEEEEEEL YOU!"
Before anyone could react, a towel-clad Tsunade chased a red-faced Jiraiya out of the kitchen where she was doing Universe-knows-what.
"HELP ME!" Jiraiya cried, anime-style tears streaming down his cheeks as he hid behind the still-high Naruto.
"FEAR NOT, LEAF VILLAGE SHINOBI! FOR I, THE ONE GUY WHO'S GAYER THAN A PINK UNICORN SHITTING SPARKLING RAINBOWS (Orochimaru-sama), HAS ARRIVED!" The gay- cough, I mean, guy, - in question bust through the just-repaired door with Kabuto and Karin following him. Juugo was unfortunately stuck in a pillow box with his rapist shrink (Suigetsu) so they weren't there.
"SASUKE-KUN!" yelled Karin. The annoying redhead ran toward what she thought was her beloved Sasuke and used her kunai to cut his pants open. Little did she know…
IT WAS ACTUALLY ITACHI!
(Gasp)
Well, he wasn't exactly going to point out that fact to her, and neither was our darling Sasuke, so the newly formed couple just ran off somewhere (in the same direction as Lee and Guy… Suspicious, ne?).
Orochimaru sneaked some of the pot still in some of the characters' hands and immediately lit it up. His creepy-rapist-snake eyes gleamed with high-ness as he spotted an almost-unmasked Kakashi in a steamy kiss with Anko.
"Hey, babe…" Orochimaru greeted, smiling. He draped his arm over Anko's shoulder, thinking she was Kakashi in his daze. Her eyes looked up to meet his and instead of running away scared shitless like SHE SHOULD HAVE, her eyes turned into little hearts and she let Orochimaru whisk her away somewhere to do nobody-wants-to-know-what.
"AAAAAAAAANNNKKKOOOOOOOOO!" Kakashi sobbed. He then wrapped his arms around Sakura and sobbed all over her, getting tears and snot on her cleavage.
Of course, the pervert had to open his eyes for a second… or two…
Or a few minutes.
"Kakashi," steamed Sasuke, "what the hell are you doing?"
"Now, now, Sasuke. Take pity on your poor heart-broken sensei."
"Like hell I will!" True to his character, Sasuke kicked Kakashi quite literally out of the house, where he fell on Orochimaru and Anko having sex on a tree.
"GOD DAMMIT!" he yelled, crying like the innocent little boy we all know he once was…
Meanwhile, back in the house…
"YOU'RE ITACHI?! NOOOOOOOO!" a dismayed Karin sobbed as she took the time to actually look at who she was raping.
"Heh, heh… At least you got the last name right?" Itachi said, trying to calm her down.
Stupid idea.
"NO! NO! NO FUCKING WAY! I WANT SASUKE-KUN, DAMMIT, NOT SOME ABRIDGED FORM OF HIM! YOU'RE NOT EVEN SEXY!" (At this brave statement, the authoress of this fic almost decided to kill her, but let it go.)
At this, Karin walked into the den (naked, I might add), walked right up to Sasuke, took him by the collar and dragged him down into the basement before Sakura could kill her.
"SAKURA! HELP M-"
"Silence, fool!" Karin yelled, punching him in the stomach. Our poor Sasuke-kun, exhausted from yelling too much, passed out. Itachi randomly appeared, and the hippie and cherry blossom just watched with mild interest.
"Hey," Itachi said, noticing Sakura. "You wanna go out, since you know Sasuke will never come out of there with his balls attached?"
Sakura just shrugged and started making out with the older Uchiha boy. I mean, sure, it was technically illegal, but who cares about that?
Again, the goddamn door burst open, tearing apart some of the wall along with it, and Kabuto walked in wearing a sailor suit.
A naughty, skimpy, usually-used-for-pedophile-pirates sailor suit.
Many people look back at that day and suspect he was drunk, but the reality was he really didn't care about his life anymore after his beloved Orochimaru hooked up with Anko.
Either way, the still-high Naruto laughed so hard his intestines fell out of his ass, and Hinata had a wonderful time of cleaning them up and feeding them to the ninja dogs.
"KABUTOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" squealed a now-sober-but-still-gay-as-fuck Orochimaru. He promptly proceeded to jump on Kabuto and hump his leg.
What happened with Anko, you ask? Well, after he finally opened his eyes and realized he dick actually had a hole to go in, he screamed in horror, chopped off Anko's head and ran back to the house. This left Kakashi to do whatever he wanted with the corpse, and Jiraiya to watch and gain inspiration from it until Tsunade appeared and started strangling him again.
…in the basement…
"Now, now, Sasuke-kun, you did a marvelous job of disguising your unsexy brother as your sexy self, but I shall not be fooled anymore! I SHALL FINALLY RAPE YOU!" Karin cackled evilly, and lightning bolts were heard in the distance. (The aforementioned lightning bolts hit the ramen stand, which made Naruto cry out to the heavens and go to Hinata for comfort sex.)
Alas, poor Karin, for the authoress of this fic (a budding Itachi fangirl) had had enough of Karin insisting Itachi wasn't sexy, and promptly ordered the Universe to direct a lightning bolt right where Karin stood. The Universe agreed, and within seconds, Karin was toast.
Of course, this totally fucked up the foundation Sakura's house was built on, but that's for another fic.
Sakura sensed Karin's death and Sasuke's still-present balls, so she knocked out Itachi and jumped down the hole the lightning bolt created into the basement.
There she found Sasuke clad in pink Hello Kitty boxers, strapped to one of those torture-table-things like the one Frankenstein was made on where Karin got from who-knows-where, with a kunai between his teeth and a bulge down there. She smirked, took the kunai, cut his girlish boxers to shreds, and proceeded to rape him.
Well, technically it wasn't rape cause he liked it, but so what?
Back upstairs, Kiba, Akamaru, Shikamaru, Choji, Ino, Neji, and Shino climbed in through the window since someone had taped the front door shut. Akamaru ran to Itachi and pissed that acid stuff in his face, which caused Itachi to immediately wake up. In his pain he was blinded, and threw Akamaru back into Kiba's arms, where the poor dog shivered violently at Itachi's new chakra.
Itachi, who thought he was high on some new kind of masochistic drug, activated his sharingan and cut his dick to shreds.
With the loss of his best friend, the now-dickless Itachi obtained the Mangekyo Sharingan and proceeded to kill everyone in the house (aside from Sasuke and Sakura, who were still in the basement) and then everyone in the village. Finally, he killed himself, and at the last moment realized he wasn't on a drug.
Aw fuck, were his last thoughts as he drifted into the Underworld…
When Sasuke and Sakura were finished (some number of days later), Sakura unstrapped him and the couple wandered upstairs. What they found shocked Sakura, who fainted, but just pissed Sasuke off.
"Aw fuck," he cursed, mirroring his elder brother's last thoughts. Then he realized this meant he and Sakura had to not only repopulate his clan, but the entire village.
(Queue evil smirk)
And so, they did.
THE END.
A/N: No, I do not do crack, to answer your first question.
Secondly, to answer your second question ('What the fuck?!') I don't expect you to even attempt to comprehend this.
Let alone get this far.
Kudos to you, you sick bastard. (Evil smile, knowing that she's a hypocrite for calling you that but not caring all the same.)
If I totally just scarred you for life… Sue me. I live in America! We can poison the minds of whoever we want!
But sorry, anyway.
This was probably the most fun I've had on a fic… EVER. I just felt like writing something sick and twisted to satisfy the Orochimaru in me.
Hai, hai, the ending sucks ass, but whaddaya gonna do?
Yeah, so… That's it. I really like the idea of a hippie Itachi, though. It fits, ne?
Have a great time living your life with this fanfic forever plaguing your thoughts!
(Again, gomen.)
Peace. Oh, and I don't own Naruto. But hippie Itachi is all my idea. Hope I made you laugh…