Disclaimer: I own nothing of these characters.
Author's Note: A mildly AU KIBBS. Not much plot just mostly fluff. Is Gibbs OOC? Who knows how he would have actually been with Kate. I think that's why we call it Fan Fiction. I hope you enjoy. Reviews are always appreciated.
Finding His Future
It was early Spring in Washington DC. One of those days when you could still sense Old Man Winter lurking but the flowers and trees were straining towards the promise of warmer weather blowing in the breeze. The day was going to be warm once the early morning chill was chased away by the sun. A beautiful day for a funeral or for finding something you thought you'd lost. A day like every other, full of possibilities.
Jethro Gibbs parked his car in the lot reserved for funeral participants and stepped out pulling on his suit coat. He was here for the 9:00 internment of an old friend from his days in the Marine Corps. Gibbs, like most people doesn't like funerals but he loves Arlington National Cemetery. He appreciates the grandeur of the place, the stillness and the symmetry. This is a place Gibbs comes often to think and find some peace when the past, or the job, or life in general doesn't provide it. He likes to wander along the paths reading the names of generations of patriots and wondering about their stories. Inevitably he would wind up at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. This was his favorite place in Arlington. The view is spectacular but the simplicity and the reverence of the place are what really draw him here. Gibbs never tires of sitting on the cold stone steps as the Old Guard sentry steps endlessly back and forth in front of the Tomb.
After his friend was laid to rest Gibbs walked back toward the parking lot by way of the Tomb. He arrived about 10 minutes before the Changing of the Guard ceremony was to take place and decided to wait and watch it before going to work That would be one of those decisions that he would later wonder about and eventually have to say he couldn't explain. One of those moments when your life changes even if you don't realize it's happening. Always one to be aware of his surroundings, Gibbs took the opportunity to glance around at the people coming to sit on the steps for the ceremony. He noticed a woman sitting near the top of the steps in the middle. When he looked at her she was looking right back at him. He didn't look away and neither did she. He couldn't believe it. Kate Todd.
Given where they were and the fact that the Sergeant of the Guard and the replacement Sentry were approaching, Gibbs couldn't move to where she was sitting. Normally he would have been totally focused on the soldiers and their precise routine but today he couldn't keep his eyes or his mind off the dark haired woman on the steps. Memories of Kate and the time they had spent together began flashing through his mind like a high speed slide show. Gibbs closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he looked again she was still there but her attention was on the ceremony and not one him. The question of whether or not to speak to her never occurred to him; he knew he had to take advantage of this very unexpected opportunity.
Kate Todd loved to sketch and take pictures. She often came to Arlington Cemetery to indulge those two passions. She especially liked the early morning hours when there weren't many tourists about. The stillness of the cemetery was in stark contrast to the places Kate normally took photos; the grimy, gritty, dangerous places she followed soldiers into so she could document and tell their stories to the people they were protecting back home. Today Kate was sketching the sentries at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. She had met a young man in Iraq last month who told her he used to be a Tomb Guard. His stories of how much that assignment meant to him sent her here this morning because she had promised to do some sketches for him. It was a perfect day, sunny and warming up quickly. She had been sitting on those hard marble steps for well over an hour now and had several drawings she was pleased with. Maybe just one more she thought and then she needed to get up and move around a little bit. After all, marble wasn't the most forgiving of surfaces to be sitting on for two hours.
Kate was sketching in the background for one last drawing when she glanced up and let her eyes wander over the people gathering for the next Changing of the Guard ceremony. She didn't see him at first but when she looked back toward the far end of the steps there he was. Jethro Gibbs. What was he doing here she wondered. She noted the dark suit and white shirt with the tie. She guessed he had come for a burial; he certainly didn't dress like that for work, at least not in her experience. She couldn't take her eyes off of him even when he saw her looking at him and looked right back at her. Kate had never been one to back away from Jethro's infamous stare. Memories were flooding her mind and she wanted to leave but the ceremony was starting and she knew she couldn't go until they were finished. She wondered if he would come find her when she did leave. She steeled herself for the fact that he would and also for the fact that he might not.
Gibbs and Kate met on a case almost two years ago. At the time Kate was in the Secret Service on the Presidential Protection detail. Gibbs and his team investigated the death of the President's 'ball carrier' on Air Force One. There were sparks between them from the beginning and not just when Kate threatened to shoot him. Kate left the Secret Service shortly after that and Gibbs offered her a job at NCIS. After a lot of soul searching and some pretty intense pressure from Gibbs, Kate turned down his offer. Gibbs was disappointed and he let her know it. He also asked her to dinner and she accepted that offer. Kate tried to explain her decision but Gibbs, in his usual manner, didn't want to hear it. He was angry but he couldn't or wouldn't admit why. They saw each other steadily over the next four months and then he let the relationship end. Kate was out of the country a lot after that and eventually they stopped communicating at all.
Kate thought the ceremony was taking an awfully long time even though she knew it took exactly the same amount of time every time. It was one of the most precise rituals she had ever witnessed. Today she just wanted to leave and the ceremony she normally took great pleasure in watching was driving her crazy. Her mind was zig-zagging between wanting to talk to Jethro and wanting to disappear before he came to find her. She just had a feeling he was going to come after her when she left and she wasn't sure how she was going to deal with that. Following a squad of Marines into a firefight didn't give her nearly the anxiety she was feeling about seeing Jethro again. It had taken her most of the last year to get used to the fact that he had stopped calling her. She wasn't sure she wanted to talk to him after all this time.
The four months she had spent seeing Jethro had been wonderful as far as Kate was concerned. She always enjoyed being with him even if it was just watching him build his legendary boat. He was definitely a complicated and difficult man but Kate had felt like they were making strides in their relationship. They had become lovers soon after she declined his job offer and that part of their relationship had been very good. The problem had always been Jethro's intensely private nature and his tendency to be very closed off emotionally. Kate knew a little about his past but she never brought it up to him. She knew he had been divorced three times but he never talked about that. Or about a lot of things for that matter. She thought at the time that it would all work itself out if she just gave him time. Jethro, unfortunately, didn't give them that time. They had been arguing too much and Kate could sense Jethro was pulling away from her and shutting down for some reason he refused to explain to her. She had finally told him to figure out what he wanted and then call her. To this day, he had not called. Shortly after that happened, Kate took a job as a photographer and writer for the DOD and began shuttling back and forth between Iraq and DC. She had not heard from Jethro in over a year.
Gibbs couldn't take his eyes off of Kate. He had thought about her almost every day since she had left his house one night telling him to call when he knew what he wanted. Problem was he knew what he wanted that night. He just didn't have the guts to tell her. From the first time he saw her on Air Force One and she threatened to shoot him he was smitten. She was beautiful but she didn't seem to know it or at least she didn't use it like most women he knew. Kate stood up to him and questioned him at every turn; no one ever did that to him, not since Shannon. And that was the problem. When they started seeing each other after she rejected his job offer it didn't take him long to fall in love with Kate. But he knew it couldn't be. He was too old for her, he had too many failed relationships on his record, he was a bastard, he was emotionally distant. All these things Gibbs knew about himself and he cared for Kate too much to expose her to all that. But…he loved her and he missed her like crazy. Seeing her today was a total surprise and Gibbs decided he wasn't going to question fate, not today anyway.
'Finally', Kate thought as the new guard was posted and the sergeant and the other sentry marched away. She gathered her belongings and made her way down the steps to the sidewalk leading away from the tomb area. Sure enough Gibbs was standing right there on the side of the walkway waiting for her. 'How did he manage to get over here so quickly?' she asked herself.
"Hello Kate."
"Gibbs." She had decided go with the business-like approach in hopes of not getting emotional about seeing him again.
Kate barely paused in her stride but Gibbs easily fell in beside her. "How are you?"
"I'm fine, you? And Ducky?"
"I'm okay. Ducky is very well. I'll be sure and tell him you asked. Kate please stop walking and talk to me."
Gibbs very rarely used the word 'please' and Kate was just surprised enough to succumb to his request. They stepped off the path and Gibbs led her to nearby bench silently motioning for her to sit down. When they were seated, Gibbs just looked at her for a long moment and Kate began to wonder if he was going to say anything or if he was waiting for her to start. She wasn't of a mind to let him off the hook so she just sat looking at the people walking by.
Gibbs finally reached out and took her hand in his and said so quietly she almost didn't hear him, "I've missed you Katie. Every single day."
That was not what Kate was expecting and having him holding her hand was more disconcerting than she wanted it to be. She was torn between what her heart wanted her to do and what her mind was telling her. Kate looked into Gibbs' very blue eyes and felt her heart beginning to win the struggle. She smiled at him and said, "All you had to do was call Jethro. I told you to call when you knew what you wanted and my phone has yet to ring."
"I know. It's just …" Gibbs' phone rang and he had to answer it. He listened for a few minutes frowning as the information was passed along. When he clicked the phone shut Kate knew their conversation was over. "I'm sorry, I have to go. Have dinner with me tonight, Kate. Please."
Wow, two 'pleases' in one day, this was hard to believe. Kate looked at him and thought she had never seen him looking so sincere or so needy. "Okay, 7:30 at Luigi's."
"Thank you Katie. Can I walk you to your car?"
"No, I think I'll just sit here for a while. Jethro, we aren't going to just pick up where we left off a year ago. You understand that don't you?"
"Yes, I understand. I'll see you tonight."
Standing in front of her closet several hours later, Kate realized she was taking an inordinate amount of time to decide what to wear to dinner. She shook her head and reached for her favorite skirt and a light cotton sweater. So many things were running around in her head she had trouble sorting them all out. On one hand she knew she had very strong feelings for Jethro and she had missed him terribly these last months. On the other hand, she didn't want to open herself up to another painful parting. She was happy in her job and she had plenty to keep her busy. Reopening a relationship with Jethro Gibbs was probably not a good idea. 'It's just one dinner' she told herself as she got in her car and started for the restaurant.
Kate arrived at the restaurant a little early and was greeted by the owner who remembered her from when she and Jethro used to eat there regularly. She was seated at a small table near the back, where Gibbs always liked to sit. As she waited patiently with a glass of wine, she glanced up from the menu in time to see Ducky approaching her table.
"Caitlyn my dear how nice to see you again. I'm afraid Jethro has been delayed and he asked me to keep you company until he arrives. I hope you don't mind."
"Of course not, Ducky. I'm so happy to see you. Is he alright?"
"Yes, he's fine. Just caught up with a case and couldn't leave when he wanted to. He assured me he would be here by 8:00."
"This gives us time to catch up then. Tell me how things are going at NCIS. Is Tony still causing trouble?"
"My yes, our young DiNozzo is still incorrigible. We stay busy of course. Jethro seemed in a better mood today than I have seen him in ages. I attribute that to him seeing you this morning."
"It was quite a surprise to see him. It has been a long time. I'm not sure this dinner is a good idea Ducky but he seemed so…I don't know quite how to describe it really. I couldn't turn him down. How is he really, Ducky? He said please to me twice this morning."
Ducky laughed at that comment. He considered his response for a few moments and then chose his words carefully. "Jethro was much happier when the two of you were seeing each other regularly. When that stopped he was extremely difficult for weeks and weeks. Finally he more or less evened out and we all adjusted to his new level of functioning. In my opinion he drinks too much, works too much and doesn't take care of himself like he should. Not much different than before he met you, my dear."
"I'm sorry to hear that Ducky. I thought we were happy together but all of a sudden he just began shutting down and I couldn't find a way back in. I told him to figure out what he wanted and then call me. He never called. I went on with my life because I'm not going to chase after him. He knew how I felt about him. Do you know what happened Ducky, why he let us go?"
"I think so. You scared him my dear. You brought out feelings in our friend that he didn't think he was capable of anymore. You saw past his defenses and his flaws and you still cared for him. That is not what he expected. I believe Jethro fell in love with you and he didn't know what to do with that. He doesn't believe he is worthy of your love, Caitlyn."
"Oh Ducky, that's nonsense. Why would he think that? There is something you're not telling me isn't there?"
Ducky looked past Kate and saw Jethro coming in the door. "My dear Kate, there are many things you need to be told but I'm not the one to tell them. But here comes the man who can enlighten you if he will. Please consider giving him another chance. I promise you it will be worth your effort. Now, I must get home and check on mother." Ducky stood up and greeted Jethro, "She's all yours my boy. Do try and behave yourself." He bent down and kissed Kate on the cheek, "it was wonderful to see you Kate. Please come visit me sometime. Goodnight you two."
Jethro sat down in Ducky's place and said, "I hope it was alright for me to send Ducky. I don't have a number for you and I didn't want you to leave thinking I had stood you up."
"It's fine Jethro. I enjoyed catching up with Ducky. Everything alright?"
"Yeah, we just got held up with a suspect. Are you ready to order?"
The waiter approached and Jethro ordered dinner for the two of them and a glass of wine for himself. He realized he was nervous. He had been thinking about Kate all day and now that she was right here with him he couldn't begin to talk to her. He felt like he was sixteen and on his first date.
"Jethro, why did you invite me to dinner tonight?"
"Because I miss you and when I saw you today I knew I had to talk to you and try to explain some things to you. You deserved better than what you got from me Kate."
"You're right about that. Why don't we just enjoy our dinner and save the serious talk for when we're alone."
"That sounds good to me. Tell me what you've been doing these past months."
"Well, I work for the DOD as a photographer. I've spent the last eight months going back and forth to Iraq every few weeks. I am assigned to a different Army or Marine command each trip. I document their work, the living conditions and the local area on film and in still photos."
Jethro was stunned to learn Kate had been working in a war zone. It must have shown on his face because she reached across the table and covered his hand with hers. "Not what you expected to hear is it? I told you when I left the Secret Service I was tired of standing around waiting for someone to take a shot at the president and I wanted to do something more active."
"Well, going into a war zone is certainly more active, I'll give you that. I think I'm glad I didn't know what you were doing because I would have been way past worried about you." Jethro was enjoying the feel of Kate's hand on his but the waiter appeared with their meal and she took her hand back so she could eat. Conversation dwindled as they both enjoyed the delicious Italian food.
"I have really missed this place. This is the best meal I've had in ages." Kate wiped her mouth and took a drink of wine as she finished her pasta.
Jethro grinned and leaned back in his chair. "It's the first meal I've had that didn't come in a box in months. I'm glad you suggested it."
When the bill was paid and the couple were standing on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant Jethro asked, "Will you come to the house so we can talk?"
During the meal Kate had been mulling over what Ducky had said and she decided she was willing to take some risk if it meant reconciling her relationship with Jethro. "Yes, I'll follow you. I'll see you in a few minutes."
Twenty minutes later Jethro pulled into his driveway and Kate pulled in right behind him. Jethro opened the front door and Kate stepped in ahead of him. She started toward the living room but Jethro caught her arm and she turned around to look at him.
"Do you mind if we go downstairs for a while?"
Kate smiled. She knew talking wasn't going to be easy for him and she had already decided to do what she could to make it less painful. Being in his basement with his boat would probably be a big help to Jethro. She wanted him to be able to relax and open up to her so even though she preferred the living room she agreed to go downstairs.
"Sure the basement's fine. I want to see how the boat's coming along anyway."
"Yeah, well, unfortunately I've been spending a lot of time with the boat lately."
"Okay then, let's go see." Kate led the way down the stairs turning on the light as she went. Reaching the bottom step Kate stopped and stared at the almost completed hull. She couldn't believe Jethro had made so much progress. But then it had been a year after all. She moved to the boat and ran her hand over the smooth planks.
She's beautiful Jethro. I can't believe how much you've done. You're almost finished."
Jethro stood by the workbench and watched Kate walk around the boat trailing her hands along the frame. He remembered how it felt to have her hands on his frame and he tightened his grip on the edge of the workbench. Watching Kate talking to him reminded Jethro of how her lips felt on his. He swallowed hard and tried to concentrate on the sound of her voice.
Kate walked all the way around the boat and came back to stand in front of Jethro. She leaned back against the boat, crossed her arms over her chest and looked him right in the eyes. She was remembering a lot of really good times they had spent in this basement. A lot of touching and kissing and even making love under the shell of the boat. She took a breath and looked at him wondering what was going on in that hard head of his.
"What do you want Jethro?"
"You." His voice was soft but thick with emotion and he answered her without hesitation.
"You had me and you let me go."
"I didn't want to."
"Then why?"
Jethro took a tentative step away from the workbench toward Kate. Kate pushed herself away from the boat and moved to stand just inches from him. She reached out to touch his face but Jethro caught her wrist and stopped her.
"There are so many things I need to tell you Katie."
"You mean like you've been married and divorced three times?" Jethro's face registered surprise and Kate continued, "Did you think I wouldn't check you out before I got involved with you Jethro? Those are all public record you know."
Jethro kissed her palm and let out a short laugh. "I knew you'd make a good investigator. But it's not just about ex-wives Kate."
"Then what is it about?"
Jethro let go of her wrist and turned away reaching for the bourbon bottle on the shelf above the workbench. He poured himself a drink in a chipped coffee mug and offered her one. Kate declined and stepped back to lean against the boat knowing this might take a while. When he didn't answer after finishing the first drink and poured himself another, Kate sighed and turned toward the stairs. "Thanks for the dinner Jethro. Please don't contact me or come looking for me. You said you wanted to talk but you're not so I'm going home. Good night."
He heard her walking away. He wanted desperately to stop her so why wasn't he? He wanted to tell her he loved her and he needed her but he couldn't. What if he let her down? What if he couldn't be who she needed him to be? He knew this would be his last chance; Kate wasn't the kind of woman who would come chasing after him. If he let her go up those stairs and out the door it would truly be over and no amount of bourbon would ever make it right. A part of him hated himself for needing her but the fact was he did. He hadn't been the same since he let her walk away a year ago.
"Katie. Don't go. Please."
Kate had her hand on the railing and her foot on the second step when she heard his plea and she froze. She had never heard him sound like that. The emotion and the pleading in his voice overwhelmed her and took her breath away. Walking away from that was not an option for her. Without turning around Kate said, "I'll wait for you upstairs. Take your time Jethro."
Kate went upstairs to the kitchen and started the coffee maker. Then she went to the living room and sat on the couch to wait. She asked herself what in the world she was doing but she already knew the answer. She loved the obstinate, difficult man who was sitting in his basement trying to work up the courage to talk to her. She had tried over the past several months to stop loving him but it didn't work. She knew what a good man he was; how courageous and loyal and generous he was. She had experienced his tenderness and his passion and she wasn't ready to walk away just yet. She also sensed he had been hurt deeply and not just by his ex-wives. What that hurt was she didn't know but she was sure it was there and it was probably the basis for his emotional lockdown. Kate told herself she was a patient person and she could wait for Jethro to work out his thoughts and present them to her. She had waited a long time to find a man she could love and over the course of this day she had realized that man was still Jethro Gibbs so she got comfortable and waited.
After what seemed like an eternity but was really about twenty minutes, Kate heard Jethro's footsteps on the stairs. He bypassed the living room and went straight for the coffee as she had expected he would.
"Do you want a cup?" he called to her from the kitchen.
"Yes, please."
Jethro came into the living room and handed Kate a mug of coffee before settling on the couch with her. Kate was sitting sideways at the end of the couch, one leg tucked underneath her and she studied him as he sat down just out of her reach. She thought he looked tired and a little bit sad. She sipped her coffee and said, "Ummm, you still know just how I like it. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Would you like to know what Ducky said about you tonight? About us?"
Jethro looked at her and smirked his famous smirk, "I'm not sure. I should probably hear it though; Ducky is a wise man."
"He said I scared you. He said you fell in love with me and didn't know what to do with your feelings. He said I should give you another chance."
"Like I said, Ducky is a wise man." Jethro studied the coffee in his mug for a long time. Finally he put the mug on the table and turned toward Kate. "What he said is true; all of it. You know I'm not much for talking Kate but I understand I have some explaining to do so I'll try. Like I said downstairs, it's not just about the divorces. It's about what caused them. It's about what they represent to me." Jethro looked past Kate now and sighed.
Kate reached for his hand and squeezed it offering her support. "I'm not going anywhere. We have plenty of time, Jethro." She held onto his hand and he idly rubbed his thumb back and forth across her knuckles.
"Kate I screwed up all my marriages. I shut out the women I was supposed to love. I lost myself in the job even when I didn't need to. I never gave them the kind of love that a marriage needs. Those marriages are failures to me. They are examples of how I hurt the people I care about and how I let them down."
"Did you lie to your ex's or cheat on them? Did you hit them?"
"Of course not. You know I'd never hit a woman and I've never cheated, not one time. Lie? I might have lied by omission but that's all."
When he paused Kate asked, "Did you love them?"
"Not like I should have. I guess I thought I did at the time but I probably didn't really."
"Jethro, you and I both know relationships don't usually fail through the actions of just one person. Something must have been missing; something you kept looking for but didn't find. Am I right?"
"Yeah. Did Ducky tell you anything else?"
"That for some reason you don't believe you deserve my love and that you are the one who needs to tell me about whatever is haunting you."
"Haunting? His word or yours?"
"Mine. May I ask you another question?"
"Sure."
"Do you love me, Jethro?"
He looked up and studied her face. "Yes, but…"
"No buts, Jethro. Either you do or you don't. Now, is there anything I could tell you about myself, my past or whatever, that would make you stop loving me?"
"No. Believe me I've tried to stop loving you but I can't."
Kate scooted closer, reached out and took his face in her hands. Looking him directly in the eyes, Kate said, "I want you to listen to me Jethro and believe what I'm saying. I love you. There is nothing you can tell me about yourself that will stop that. I know who you are. You are one of the best men I've ever met. You are brave and generous and loyal and passionate. You are also stubborn, and single minded when it comes to your job and maybe just a bit of a bastard sometimes. Those things don't bother me. I love who you are. I don't want to change you. If I wanted something else in a man I would find someone else. I'm not looking for someone else, Jethro. I'm right here. I want to understand what is holding you back but whatever it is, it won't change how I feel about you. I want you to believe that."
When she was finished talking she leaned in and kissed him softly on the mouth. Her hands tangled in his hair and Jethro wrapped his arms around her pulling her tightly against him. When they needed to breathe Kate slowly pulled away and rested her forehead on his. Jethro ran his thumb across her lips and kissed her again. Finally, he pushed her gently away after kissing her one last time.
"I believe you Katie. The thing is, Ducky's right; I am afraid to love you. I know I will disappoint you and hurt you and I love you too much to let that happen. And frankly, I don't think I would survive you leaving me. And before you say anything crazy like, 'I'd never leave you Jethro', just remember no one ever thinks they'll leave but they do. They all do, one way or another." The last part was barely a whisper and Jethro got up from the couch and stepped over to the windows.
Kate rested her head on the back of the couch and closed her eyes. This was just as hard as she had suspected it would be. She knew there was something else he needed to say but Kate wasn't sure he was going to be able to say it. She thought back over all the conversations they had had, all the little things he had told her or not told her. There had to be a clue somewhere. Kate was trained as a profiler but she had resisted using her training to try and figure Jethro out. Now, as he stood staring out into the night, Kate tried to clear her mind of emotion and think clearly about how she could help him talk to her. She thought back to what he had said before he stood up, 'they all leave one way or another'. Then she knew; there was someone else who had left him besides the ex-wives.
Kate got up and walked to stand behind Jethro. She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his back. When he covered her hands with his she asked, "Who else left you?"
She heard and felt his sharp intake of breath. "What makes you think there was someone else?"
"Are you telling me there wasn't?" Kate was trying to keep her voice even and calm but she was on the verge of frustration. "You forget I was trained as a profiler. I listen and I pick up things. You said 'they all leave one way or another'. Who else left you, Jethro?"
She was a little more insistent now and came around to face him. When she looked in his eyes she saw so much hurt and sorrow looking back at her she almost wished she hadn't asked. "Come sit down with me." Kate took his hands and led him back to the couch and they sat down together. She intertwined her fingers with his and waited. She knew she had finally asked the right question and now there would either be an answer or not. It was all up to him.
Jethro sat looking at Kate and trying to quiet his mind. He knew, that she knew she had asked the ultimate question. It was his turn and he understood that if he wanted a chance to have a life with Kate he had to tell her what she wanted and deserved to know. Jethro pondered for a few minutes all the reasons he hadn't told Kate about his first wife before now. First of all he never told anyone really; only Ducky and Diane, his second wife. Mostly he just wasn't ready, even after all these years, to explore all that pain and loss and failure. But if he didn't he knew Kate would probably leave and he would be so very much alone. All this ran through his mind like a freight train and finally he just decided to try and tell her the truth.
"Her name was Shannon. She was my wife and the mother of our daughter, Kelly. They were both killed while I was deployed in Desert Storm. Shannon witnessed the killing of a Marine by a drug dealer and was going to testify against him. One of his men shot the NIS agent assigned to them and their van crashed killing Shannon and Kelly. I was notified in the field but before I could get out of Kuwait a mortar blast put me in a coma. I came home to two graves instead of to my family."
Kate had unknowingly been holding her breath almost since Jethro began speaking. Now she managed to breathe again but there was nothing to say. She opened her arms and Jethro leaned into her embrace. For the first time in a very long time he cried. Kate held him and rubbed his back. She whispered in his ear over and over again, "I love you. Just let it go, babe, I've got you." Her own tears were falling as she tried to comfort him.
They stayed in that comforting embrace for a long time. Jethro's tears stopped pretty quickly but Kate continued to hold him and offer her support the best she could. When he sat up, Jethro scrubbed a hand over his face and looked at Kate. He didn't want to see pity in those brown eyes and he didn't. Instead he saw love and acceptance; two things he didn't think he was entitled to.
Jethro took a couple of deep breaths and in a scratchy voice he said, "I wasn't here to protect my family. I failed them."
"You know that's not true, Jethro. You were where you were ordered to be; where you had to be."
"But I wasn't here. That's the point."
"So part of the problem for us is that you are afraid you won't be able to keep me safe all the time? Is that right?"
"I guess so, yeah. But the other thing is I don't really know if I can let myself love someone else like I loved Shannon. Like I want to love you."
Kate was startled by that admission. "Jethro, when your daughter was born did you love her with your whole being?"
"Yes, even before she was born."
"Did you love Shannon less when you gave your love to Kelly?"
"No but that's different. She was my child."
"If you had had another child would you have loved them less or Kelly less?"
"I don't believe so."
"Do you feel like you're betraying Shannon by loving me?"
Jethro studied her face and tried to read her expression. Kate was holding his hand and looking him right in the eyes. She was completely trusting and open to him and Jethro was blown away by that trust. She had figured it all out. She understood in just a few minutes what had taken him months and months to figure out. He knew he had to be honest with Kate because she could obviously read him like a book.
"Yeah, I do. I keep telling myself that's not the way it is but I can't get past that feeling."
"Why do you think you keep Shannon and Kelly a secret?"
"Because if I tell other people about them I have to keep admitting they're gone. And if I don't talk about them I can hold on to them just for myself."
"Well, the only person you need to talk to about them is me. And that is only if you think it will help you decide what you want in terms of you and me. Nothing I can say will take away the pain of losing your child and I won't even pretend to know how that must feel even after all this time. But, Jethro, if you want us to be together you have to understand that loving me does not betray Shannon. I'm not a replacement for her. I'm another person you love; not in the same way or for the same reasons. You're not that young Marine anymore and I'm not a young, inexperienced woman in love for the first time. You're a survivor and you deserve some happiness in your life. I want to be the one who helps you have that but I can't do it by myself. You have to give yourself permission to be happy again. Personally, I think you have waited long enough and if Shannon was the kind of woman she must have been to have put up with you, I'm guessing she would agree with me."
For the first time since the conversation began, Jethro smiled a real smile. "What do you mean 'put up with me'? Are you suggesting I'm hard to put up with?"
"I'm not suggesting at all. Personally, I love putting up with you but I've been told I'm a little bit crazy myself."
"How do you know me so well?"
"You're not as hard to read as you might want to think you are. Not for someone who loves you as much as I do."
They sat in a comfortable silence then for what seemed like a long time. Kate leaned into him and Jethro put his arm around her shoulders pulling her closer. Lost in their own thoughts neither of them felt the need to speak. Kate knew what she wanted and she was pretty sure how far she was willing to go to have it. She wanted to renew her relationship with Jethro and she was now willing to give him whatever time—within reason—he needed to decide if he was ready for them to get back together. For his part, Jethro sat with Kate snugly at his side and thought he was as happy as he had been since she walked out his door a year ago. He wanted her back; he wanted her in his life as a constant presence not just a sometime date. Tonight he thought he might just be able to make that happen if he didn't lose his nerve.
Kate felt herself getting drowsy so she sat up and pulled Jethro's arm around to look at his watch. "It's getting pretty late, maybe I should go."
"Is that what you want to do?"
"Well, I'm tired and it's late and I thought you might want to work on the boat and think about all we've said tonight. I'm not going to crowd you or push you into anything, Jethro."
"What if I want you to crowd me and push me?"
"Do you?"
"I think I could tolerate some crowding and pushing." Jethro stood up and held his hand out for Kate pulling her off the couch to stand in front of him. Almost without him knowing what was happening the rest of it came out in a rush. "I want you to stay Katie. I want to wake up with you in the morning. Not just tomorrow but every morning. I know I'm asking a lot after all this time but you asked me what I want and that's it. I want you back in my life and I want to be back in your life."
"That's what I want too Jethro."
As his name was passing her lips Jethro covered her mouth in a kiss that told her everything she needed to know about his intentions. She let herself be completely taken over by his mouth and his hands and the feel of their bodies impossibly close together. When breathing became an urgent demand Jethro eased away and took Kate by the hand leading her upstairs to the bedroom.
Sometime around 3:00 am Kate woke up with Jethro snuggled up behind her, his arm slung around her holding her loosely against his chest. She could hear his soft snoring and feel his chest rising and falling with each breath. She knew she had never felt safer or more cherished; not even in the time they had spent together the previous year. Now she felt like she really knew this man she was in love with and she loved him more than she thought possible. This was the man she could actually imagine changing her life for; the man she could look into the future with. There was no illusion in her mind that a life with Leroy Jethro Gibbs would be easy. She knew there would be obstacles and challenges not the least of which would occur when she told him she was going back to Iraq in two weeks. That could wait however. Right now all Kate wanted to focus on was the man currently wrapped around her and the extraordinary way their evening had ended.
When the first got together Kate had expected Jethro to be a passionate and zealous lover and she hadn't been disappointed. What she had not expected was the attention he paid to her needs and desires and the gentleness he showed her. When he touched her Kate felt such a rush through her system it was almost impossible for her to concentrate on anything beyond his hands on her skin. When his mouth was exploring all her sensitive places she lost her capacity for rational thought and when he whispered her name as he entered her Kate knew what it meant to literally fall to pieces. Every time they were together she appreciated him more and tonight had been no exception. They had spent a lot of time touching and kissing and reacquainting themselves with each other as they got undressed and fell onto the bed in a tangle. Kate let Jethro take the initiative and he had slowly and thoroughly made love to her in a way she knew she wouldn't soon forget. Every touch, every kiss, every murmured endearment had raised the intensity a notch until there had been nowhere to go but over the edge of the very high cliff he had brought them to and she had happily followed him there.
As they came down from that very pleasant high Kate decided it was her turn to be in charge and Jethro certainly had no objections. She maneuvered herself to straddle him and began a very deliberate exploration of all things Gibbs using her mouth as her main tool. Her hands were busy too but it was that mouth that nearly drove him crazy as she moved from gentle kisses on his eyelids to a less than gentle devouring of his mouth and many, many kisses all over his chest and abdomen. When she took him in hand and began stroking his arousal as she plundered his mouth Jethro could barely contain the urge to flip them over and take charge of the 'situation'. One look from Kate though told him he best let her have her turn and it was worth the wait. Just when Jethro thought he was going to die of extreme desire, Kate took him into her warm, wet center and rode him back to that same cliff they had so recently fallen over together.
Kate smiled at the memory of their lovemaking and pulled Jethro's arm tighter around her. He mumbled something incoherent and Kate brought his hand up kissing his palm. Then she rolled toward him onto her back and he naturally fell on top of her. Even in a sleepy stupor Jethro knew what to do with a beautiful naked woman beneath him. He raised up on his elbows and without even opening his eyes he began kissing and tasting her as her hands scraped up and down his back. Jethro made his way down to kiss and nip her breasts and finally he opened his eyes and looked up at her and smiled.
"Hello beautiful."
"Hello yourself."
"Have you been awake long?" His hands were busy now; stroking and slowly lighting the fire again.
"Just long enough to remember what a wonderful time I had tonight. I do love you Jethro." Kate was beginning to find it challenging to breath normally.
"I had a pretty good time myself. Maybe we could do it again sometime." That famous smirk was visible even in the dark bedroom and Kate could see the fire dancing in those baby blues.
"Yeah, maybe. Got anything planned for the next twenty or thirty years.?" When Jethro's mouth opened and no sound came out Kate took the moment of distraction to roll them over so she was lying on top of him; her hands on either side of his head. "Because I was thinking I could get used to this."
Jethro framed her face with his hands and looked deeply into her eyes for a long moment before he finally said, "Katie, all I have planned is loving you every single day from now on."
"I can live with that." Kate leaned down and kissed him and Jethro knew he could finally let the past go. He had found his future.
END