Hey everyone. Welcome to the start of my Hellboy parody! I hope you enjoy and don't forget to review!

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In the dark and cold reaches of space, the God Hand, demonic creatures who proclaimed to be the servants of god, rest in their far away prison, waiting for the day they will return to reclaim the mortal world, and bring their wrath of god onto Earth

-Berserk, page 417

What makes a man a man? How the hell should I know? I'm a woman! I suppose it's to do with his origins, the way he started out, or is it something else? I can't say for sure,

Scotland, 22 August 1992

Rain poured mercilessly onto Scotland, never stopping or slowing for a second. Thunder roared in the background, deafening ears with its large crash. To the more superstitious person, it would seem that the gods were angry with something or someone, and with the vile and evil work that was about to begin, it did not seem like a ridiculous idea

A group of green camouflaged soldiers marched through the ruins of an old, long destroyed church, using the ruins as a cover and hiding spot. At the front of this group were two individuals. The first was a man with brown hair in a long ponytail, an eyepatch on his left eye, and a cigarette in his mout. Despite being French, he also wore a cowboys hat. His name was Pip Bernadotte, and he was the leader of the Wild Geese mercenary group

The second was something you would not usually see with a group of soldiers, a teenage woman! She had long blonde hair and wore glasses. She was surprisingly wel built and could keep up with the mercenaries with ease. She was Sir Integra, leader of the Hellsing organisation, an organisation that dealt with the more 'paranormal' cases

For me, it all begin on that rainy day 16 years ago, fighting with the Wild Geese mercenary group. Millennium, a splinter group of the former Third Reich, was desperate for power, and had resorted to combing dark magic and science. I was only sixteen at the time, but I was already head of the Hellsing organisation. I decided to join the Wild Geese myself, since they had no experience dealing with magic. I had no idea, that that day would change me forever

'Fucking rain!' Pip cursed at the weather, squeezing the soaking wet clothes. The Wild Geese rested for a moment, hiding behind a huge pillar. Integra stopped right next to him, and dug into her pocket. She took out many silver crosses, and gestured them to Pip

'Here, you may wish to carry these' Integra stated. Pip snorted sarcastically

'Crosses? What are you, Christian?' Pip asked. Integra looked at Pip like he was an idiot

'I'm the leader of a protestant organisation, which answer directly to the protestant Queen, and you're asking ME if I'm a Christian?!' Integra asked sarcastically

'Good point!' Pip admitted. He took out a pistol from his belt and showed it to Inegra 'I'd give you a gun, but it would be a crime to see a woman hold such a dangerous thing!'

'That's okay!' Integra mumbled, taking out her own pistol 'I have my own!'

'C..Christ woman! You truly are something else!' Pip exclaimed. Pip looked out from the rubble and saw what was behind them

Dozens of soldiers clad in Nazi uniform worked determinedly around a huge wheel like machine. Wires were connected from each direction, which in turn was connected to dozens of machines. These Nazi's were planning something big, and out of this world!

'It seems our Nazi friends are here, but what in gods name are they doing?!' Pip asked, Integra walked next to Pip, and looked over to the Nazi's

'Shit! I didn't think they'd have it ready so soon! Any later here and we would've been too late!' Integra growled

'Well let's not worry Sir Integra! We are here now and we shall halt their plans! That is if you think we can take them!' Pip asked flirtingly

'I can't say for sure. They've got a lot of soldiers with them, and what's worse is that they've brought him!' Integra panted, pointing over to the far corner the machine

Standing alone was a pale man who face was hidden by a gas mask. He wore all black and no hair on his body. He carried an aura around him that made even his allies stay away from him

'Who…the heck is that?!' Pip demanded. Integra gritted her teeth

'Psycho Mantis, a psychic and the Major's top assassin. If he was brought here, then what we're dealing with is certainly serious!'

'Oh and it wasn't already?!' Pip spat. He looked over to the Nazi's again and pointed 'Who're they?'

Pip was pointing to a man and a woman standing besides each other in a corner, holding each other romantically, and almost as if they were saying goodbye! The woman had long green hair and a beautiful, yet cynical face. She wore a green dress which fitted her perfectly

The other was a man with spiky black hair and wore a constant greedy face. He wore a pair of sunglasses and black clothes

'Well the woman I believe is called Lust, but the man I know full well. His name is Greed' Integra said, darkly

Greed handed Lust a book and smiled at her 'No matter what, this book will guide you back to me'

'I won't leave you Greed!' Lust whispered. Greed sniggered

'In that case my love…' Greed purred, placing his hand over her forehead '…I grant you eternal life, youth, and the power to help me succeed'

a very muscular woman with half her body tattooed, named Zorin Blitz walked over to the two 'Five years of research Greed! If you've wasting our fucking time with all this, the Major will not be happy'

'There will be no failures Zorin! Today I will give the Major the one thing he has wanted for a while now, a miracle!' Greed proclaimed. Psycho Mantis walked over to Greed, levitating a huge metal glove with wires connected to it. Mantis fitted it onto Greeds right hand

'Today is the day the world will change forever! We will awaken the God Hand, and become gods ourselves!' Greed proclaimed to the Millennium officers, who cheered as if victory was assured

Greed extended his gloved arm, and Mantis turned on the switch on one terminal. Greed then began muttering an enchantment 'Padre Nuestro…anung…anung..'

Slowly the wind began to get more ferocious, getting stronger and stronger, until finally the huge metal wheel lit up! A blue portal appeared and began to sweep everything in nearby

Whatever Greed was doing, they were succeeding….

Millhouse, a blue haired, yellow skinned, red glasses wearing recruit of the Wild Geese poked his head out, and aimed a camera at the portal. Pip saw this and angrily pushed him out

'What the flying fuck are ya doing? Do you want to die?' Pip spat. Millhouse looked at his feet shamefully

'I just wanted to take a picture, that's all…' Millhouse whispered. Integra ran over to the two

'We need to stop that portal now, before any real harm is done!' Integra ordered. Pip grinned, taking out a grenade

'As you wish, Sir Integra!' Pip then ripped the grenades pin off, and threw it over to the portal, landing next to a few soldiers. The soldiers noticed this, and gasped

'GRENA…' the soldiers were caught off as the grenade exploded, sending them flying into the portal

'WILD GEESE, KICK THEIR NAZI ASSES!!' Pip roared, charging out at the Nazi's followed by his men. Integra jumped out too, but was quickly shot in the leg by an unknown assailant

Integra fell to the floor, but determinedly started crawling to the portal. Psycho Mantis noticed this, and after sending a few soldiers into the air, walked up to the injured woman. He aimed his hand at her, and she suddenly levitated off the ground

Mantis was about to kill her, but was suddenly shot in the back by Millhouse, causing him to lose focus and drop Integra. He spins around and mind pushed Millhouse into a wall. He went back to Integra, but it was too late

BANG, BANG

Two shots straight to the skull, and Psycho Mantis fell dead to the floor. Meanwhile the experiment with Greed was failing completely. Slowly Greeds body was being sucked in, bit by bit into the portal, until eventually, his whole body was gone

After that, the portal vanished as soon as it had came. The Wild Geese had killed the Millennium soldiers, and the portal was closed. The Wild Geese cheered in victory, but Integra shot up and growled

'It's not over! The portal was open for too long, something may have came through! Check the whole area!'

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'Is their really a hell, Sir Integra?' Millhouse asked Integra, who knealt in a ruined shelter. She tied a clothe around the injured leg, and sighed

'There is…something out there Millhouse….a place of darkness and evil, and if something from there has come here, god knows what shit we'll be in!' Integra stated

'That Greed guy, who was he?' Millhouse asked

'Greed, once considered the un-killable man, since he could turn his skin into an armour, is a lead expert in black magic, and he jumped at the chance of opening the portal to Hell. It seems as though that backfired on him' Integra laughed slightly

Millhouse suddenly heard something and pulled out a gun and flashed his flashlight over to the area he heard it and slowly approached it. He then flashed it around a corner and saw that there was nothing.

Millhouse sighed in relief. However, something that was dark brown came out and yipped Millhouse fired his gun in fear. The thing jumped away and retreated to a corner. Now that they had a clear view of the creature, Millhouse gasped at it

The creature was green skinned, with dark green hair, and skinny body. Everytime it moved, it changed into a different animal. It was shape shifter, and it seemed more scared of Millhouse than he was of the creature

'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!' Millhouse screamed, so loud other members of the Wild Geese came over. Pip came in first, and gasped at the creature

'Sacra Bleu….look at the size of it!' Pip exclaimed. Every soldier then aimed their gun at it

'WAIT!' Integra ordered, hopping out to the front, and approaching the baby creature. Integra reached into her pocket, and took out a Tofu bar, opened it, and pointed it at the creature, a warm smile on her face

The green baby was reluctant at first, but not before long swiped the Tofu bar and ate it in seconds. Integra laughed happily, and took out another Tofu bar. This time the green Changeling jumped up and into Integra's arm, like a mother holding it's child

'It's just a baby!….And a boy at that!' Integra exclaimed happily

Next day…..

Millhouse set up the camera which pointed at the surviving members of the Wild Geese. Standing in front was Pip, Inegra, and the green Changeling

I went in a teenager, and I came out a mother. I loved him like my own, and I promised to protect him no matter what, and hoped he woiuld find true happiness. That day, we all agreed on the name for the child…

'Everyone say Cheese!' Millhouse said, taking the picture. Everyone said cheese and smiled, except for Integra, who whispered tow words instead

'Beast Boy….'

There's chapter one! Hope you enjoyed, and please tell me your thoughts of it. Stay tuned