Anyway, that routine got smashed one night. Quite severely too but in a way that Logan would have found it amusing to watch hadn't the situation been so grave.
A scream could be heard. Of the blood-curdling kind. Then silence.
Everyone rushed out into the hallways, heading for the source of the scream. Scooter's bedroom.
It turned out that was a very bad idea, because no matter what had happened there it must
have been grave. Scooter was missing and his bedroom was looking like, well a swamp.
"What's going on?" Logan asked, to no one in particular.
"I can venture a guess, Sir. I'm guessing this is the phenomena called Psi-ghosts.
"Psi-ghosts"
"Well, Jean Grey used to live in this room too didn't she"
"Yeah, but so what"
"Well, you see. The mind of a telepath is different and the mind can at times survive the body. She has
us trapped inside Mr Summer's mind."
During that conversation Sabie had been walking around, sniffing the air when he suddenly stepped into something. "Yuck. This is one weird place. Strange animal noises, unbearable stench, squelchy underfoot. It's just like your laundry basket at the end of the month." he informed Logan.
"Ha, ha. Very funny. Anyway, back to you Kryten. What can we expect to find here"
"I'm not quite sure, Sir. But all his neuroses. All his personal demons will be
incarnated here. Made flesh"
"Example"
"Well, each person's mindscape is unique but we could well encounter, say,
Mr. Summer's lust personified as some kind of slobbering, rampaging beast"
"Scooter's lust monster! Urrgh"
"Every individual's mental landscape is dominated by one drive. In some
cases it might be ambition, in others greed, envy, or the desire to please.
Whatever it is that took Mr. Summers, we can only pray that its intentions
are benign"
"Come on, he can't be in that much danger. He's a hologram"
"Not here. Here he will have a physical form until he leaves and any danger he may be in will
be very real indeed."
At that a scream could be heard. Not Scooter's but still. A scream that made Sabie break his silence with "This sounds like a 12-change-of-underwear trip."
Meanwhile, elsewhere
Scooter was chained to a wall and was protesting over being held prisoner to anyone or anything that might care to listen.
"Is this the American Embassy? Does it even look the remotest bit like the American Embassy? I want to know who you are, what I'm doing here, and I want to know now!"
A dark figure answered him in a menacing tone. "In accordance with the
appetites of the Dark One, the viscious ruler of this domain, we, the hooded
legions, proffer up this sacrifice to slake the vile, depraved, thirstings
of the Unspeakable One"
"Well, that's cleared that one up then."
Two almost naked blonde women came to stand near him, bearing pitchers of sacred oils.
"Oh, thank God. Thank God. There were some very, very strange men running around in black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing red eyes. Thank God you're here. You know, I actually thought I was in the most awful danger."
The women tore off the robe he'd been dressed in leaving him with nothing on but a conveniently placed strip of burlap, almost making him look like Jesus on the cross.
"Is it me or has it suddenly got rather hot in here?"
The women were caressing and oiling Scooter, and he couldn't do anything but to babble on and on. He didn't even know what he was babbling on about. Maybe Logan had been right when he had said he had the largest yellow streak in existance after all.
"I'm the first commanding office of the X-men. I'm briefed to give you my name
and number and nothing more. I don't know who you are or what you think
you're playing at, but I'm not going to give you anything else.
You can oil me all you like, you can use your tongues and your full sensual
lips to caress my erogenous zones onto a plateau of sexual ecstasy. But I'll
tell you now. This nut's not for cracking.
However, far be it for me to change your game plan, if you absolutely insist
on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends, then so be it. Just
have a large Quatrofromagio pizza with extra olives ready at the end."
The maidens stopped their work and walked up a set of stairs where a gong had been placed.
"Err, what are you doing"
"We are going to summon the Master"
"The Master"
"You have been prepared for him"
"This Master character - and I acknowledge that I may not want to know the
full answer to this one - but why does he want me oily in particular?
Obviously, whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and
pliant, yes"
"He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better
for conducting electricity"
"Not the best news, but it could have been worse."
The gong was ringing.
Back to the rest of the gang...
"Why I ever agreed to go for a stroll in Scooter's psyche I will never
know," Logan was complaining when they encountered a sign that read:
"SWAMP OF DESPAIR."
"Aww, terrific. This gets better and better," Sabie whined.
"Is it just me or are those frogs saying, 'Useless?'".
"Useless, useless. Scooter, Scooter.". They all could hear the frogs croaking.
Sabie suddenly pulled a leach from Logan's neck while saying
"Hey look at this! You've got a huge great blood sucking leech on your
neck. It's got a human face"
"It's Scooter's mum.
"Here, come quickly. I think I've found a metaphor." Kryten announced.
"A what"
"Look at all these gravestones"
Logan read the nearest one out aloud. "Here lies Self-Respect, died age 24"
"They're all aspects of Mr. Summer's personality which are dead. 'Generosity, died age nine'
'Self-Confidence, taken from us, age 22.'". Kryten explained.
"Honour, gone but not forgotten, died age 12."
"Look at this. This one's minute," Sabie said looking way too amused, gesturing to a small stone
labeled, "Charm"
"Check this one out! It's freshly dug"
"Who's it for?" Kryten asked.
The tombstone for the unfilled grave read: "Hope"
"Oh! Psychologically speaking, Mr. Summer may be in far bigger trouble than
any of us ever suspected. If we don't get to him before this grave is
filled, we may never get out of this nightmare."
Back to Scooter again...
"Boy, am I glad to see you," Scooter said, trembling. He was facing a
terrible monster with for him remarkable bravery. "You must be the Unspeakable One.
Just to fill you in, there's been a gigantic administrative cockup. Some of
your staff have somehow mistaken me for a virgin"
The Unspeakable One growled, "Stop your putrid whining, you damp tuft of
rectal pubic hair"
"Sorry. Yes, I do tend to jabber on a bit when I'm nervous."
The Unspeakable One at that point revealed his right arm, where he was holding a branding iron.
"I've never been partial to physical torture. It's actually always been one of my.
worst nightmares actually"
"Now, all your nightmares will come true here. All of them."
Another location jump...to Logan and mates...
"He's got to be somewhere near here. We should be right on top of him."
A loud roar intterupted his and everybody elses thoughts and Sabie said
with fear in his voice "Whatever it was, let's hope it's had lunch"
"It's right below us," Kryten announced.
They could hear Scooter faintly from below, in the middle of a conversation
"Who are you?" Scooter asked.
"Here, from here we can see what's happening." Logan said and pointed to an opening
in the floor.
"And why are you being so horrible to me?" Scooter asked the unseen nightmare.
"It is you who created me, nurtured me, help me grow strong. I am the part
of you that hates yourself. I am your self-loathing"
"My self-loathing"
"Is it not true that you despise yourself? That you detest your own incompetence and stupidity?
That you hold yourself in contempt for your countless failures and disappointments? Is it not true
that you feel nothing but the deepest, blackest rancor for that walking
vomit stain the world calls Scott Summers? Is it not true"
"Yes.", could be heard. In a broken voice.
"Look, we've got two choices. Either we go in and somehow get him out of there or we sit here
like lemmings and watch him get tortured"
Sabie grinned. "Anybody got any opera glasses"
"We're going in. Kryten?"
They burst into the dungeon just in time to interrupt the Unspeakable One from branding
Scooter's flesh. Logan immediately jumped onto the beast with claws extended and
was soon in a very fierce battle. Well, fierce from Logan's point of view that is.
The Unspeakable One was just shrugging him off and was causing some damage to the
walls at the same time.
"Is it my turn now?" he asked.
"Sabie, your turn!"
Sabie didn't seem that eager to go into a fight though but relucantly was getting
ready to fight for Scooter, of all people.
"Sir, another fight may lead to the room falling apart around us"
"Nevermind that." Logan said, "Just fight the damn thing".
"You'd risk your lives for me?" Scooter said, clearly surprised.
"Of course Sir, You're part of the team!"
The Unspeakable One growled and went up in smoke.
"What happened"
"Weird.
"Where'd he go.
"There's an old android saying which I believe is peculiarly appropriate
here. In binary language it goes something like this: 001100111011000111100,
which roughly translated means, 'Don't stand around jabbering when you're in mortal danger."
He looked around, saw that no one else was still around and took off after them.
"Which way"
"Well, we go right at the Swamp of Despair, straight
past the Wood of Humiliation and then hard left at the Chasm of Hopelessness"
Sabie looked at Scooter. "You're a weird guy, you know that?"
They ran off and when they put a safe distance between themselves and the dungeon Scooter finally asked
"Why're you all looking at me like that? Like, as if this
is all my fault? Have you any idea what kind of day I've had? I've been
kidnapped, stripped, oiled, menaced, manacled, licked, nibbled, chained,
tortured, humiliated, and I nearly had a knobbly thing the size and shape of
a Mexican agave cactus jammed up where only customs men dare to probe"
"Don't you know what this place is?" Sabie asked.
"Yes, it's a hell hole. It's a nightmare. It's a stinking infested pit of
putridness"
"Scooter, it's your mind"
"So... So what are you saying to me? That thing... that, that beast... that
lives inside my mind"
"Metaphorically, yes, sir"
"Self-loathing? I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly
loathe about me"
"Would you like the list, sir"
"What list"
"Well. There's the fact that you were despised by your parents for failing
to achieve their standards; there's your inability to form long term relationships with
anyone; your cowardliness; your lack of charm, honour, or grace; and the
awful knowledge that throughout your entire life no one has truly liked you
because you are so fundamentally unlikeable."
Scooter was near tears. "Oh, that."
"Please don't interrupt, sir. I'm only halfway through my list. Now where
was I? Oh yes"
"I think he's got the point, Kryten"
"God, I'm such a mess."
Sabie got an idea, very far-fetched but it could work. He's got the power of ignorance
after all. The kind of ignorance that makes him one of the most powerful humans ever
alive. His subconscious were saying "Harness your stupidity Sir. Employ you witlessness,
use your emptyheaded simplistic moronmind and find a solution!"
Which he did. Knocked Scooter out that is. And the swamp faded away just leaving them with a familiar looking bedroom.
The End