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AN: Writing this was not easy. This one-shot is probably the most controversial topic I ever approached and please note that these opinions are not my own. The idea came to me, when I read a recent interview about the second half of s4. It will broach darker topics and grey areas. (We all know by now, that Sam Swarek is not the rules kind of guys.) It was also mentioned that at least some of Sam's loved ones will be involved. So this is, what I think could be a reasoning for Sam to do something illegal and morally wrong. I predict, that Sam will start to show interest and maybe even break up with Marlo, just when Andy makes a serious effort to move on wth Nick. As the RB writers always seem to find a way to keep Sam and Andy apart this would be just another way to have Sam pine after Andy.

Also as usual the one-shot is not beta'd.

He never thought of himself as a bad person. He never thought, he would do someone injustice. But it seems like he he just did that. He swore to serve and protect the citizens of Toronto. Now it looks like he is the one they needed protection from. He knows, that he was in a sound mind when did it. He can't use anything like that in his defense. He was not drugged or drunk. He was just utterly enraged. He saw what it did to his sister.

And when Frank said they had to let him go, Sam snapped. He was not willing to let the scumbag ruin someone else's life. The ones, the guy already ruined were enough.

In hindsight he feels terrible. He knows, he did it to protect his family. His loved ones. But that doesn't make it better. Not really. Still he did something he shouldn't have done. No matter how guilty the guy was. He swore to uphold the law. What he did now though, was anything but legal.

The song is on repeat in his head. It is since they talked to the victim. It's obnoxiously loud ever since he retrieved Sarah's case file.

„Take a chainsaw

Cut a bitch in two

Fuck the bottom half

Give the other one to you..."

He is pretty sure, that they won't be able to proof it, that he planted the evidence. He was careful. He didn't log it, when they were at the crime scene and no one saw him leave it in his coat pocket. There were no cameras and no witnesses. Just the word of a man, who looked guilty enough already.

But now he feels like crap. It doesn't matter, that after almost 30 years his sister's attacker is going to jail. Right now, the only thing he can think of is that he broke the law. He didn't let the jury and judge decide. He rendered the verdict. He signed this man's fate and it makes him sick.

But he can't bring himself to confess. If he comes out now, not only will the bastard go free, but all the other cases he was involved in over the years, the one's where he did honest police work, will be overturned and retrials ordered.

It would sully the work of all the partners he had over the years. It will most definitely destroy the reputation of his rookies. What should one expect of officers, who were trained by a dirty cop.

Dirty. That's how he feels all the time now.

He has destroyed his life with a simple hairband. Just a little piece of rubber and a few hairs and now he can't look into a mirror anymore.

He can't feel the relief Sarah radiates, when he drives down to tell her.

He only hears the song.

And sees himself at with a chainsaw in his hands. Cutting out the hearts of every person that ever meant something to him. Sees the bloody mess he made every time he looks at his friends. Flashes of all the bestialities he witnessed over the years come to his mind when he sees her. He can't tell his brain to stop, when a bound and bloodied McNally appears behind his eyelids.

He can only force himself to stay away from her from now on. He doesn't want to drag her into his mess. He has to distance himself from now on. They can never rekindle their relationship. They can never have their happily ever after. He will not mess her life up with his mistake.

It will be his punishment. His penance.

She is already moving on. He has seen them together. She looks happy. Probably happier, that she ever looked with him. He can see that Collins is good for her. And he would be a fool to destroy that newfound happiness. And that will have to do for him. Seeing her happy. Letting Sarah live peacefully and him carrying silently his burden.

Reviews and constructive criticism is very much appreciated.