She walked slowly, her feet dipping in the golden sand, leaving behind imprints. The November sun silhouetted her, and she turned to look across the ocean, watching as the reddish hue of the sun spread all across the horizon, so that it looked as though vermillion, carmine and cobalt blue had been released from the confines of paint tubes and splashed across the sky.
The view was breathtaking, and it never ceased to amaze her, this play of colours. It reminded her of life, after all was'nt it a swirl of colours? Her journey had just begun, and the mixture of salt and the wind left her feeling very much like the ocean itself- tempestuous.
The waves crashed on the shore, some licking the edges of her toes, caressing, almost pleading with her to join in the midst of the foamy lather. She watched the blue of the waves reflecting the colours above, and at that instant she was filled with the realization that no matter how much she tried, she could not rationalize everything into black and white, there were other shades too.
Her skirt whipped around her, as she drank in the sight before her, and at the same time tried to calm this deep, heaving, lurching feeling within her heart. She was unsettled yes, but it was more than that. She felt as though her entire life had been a course on the white water rapids, and she had lost all control, the oars having long gone.
Her path which she had so carefully mapped and chartered, could been seen disintegrating before her very eyes. She was following a path she knew not where, and she had lost the power to even try and find out. Drawn towards the glistening sand at the very edges of the nipping waves, she sat down on the cold and wet sand, welcoming the chill seeping through the thin fabric of her skirt.
She drew her legs up, and rested her chin on her knees, her arms wrapped around, and for a single moment, she almost felt his strength, his warmth enveloping her, but that brief moment disappeared, as though it had never been there. Hesitantly her finger traced patterns in the sand, only to be washed away seconds later.
Was that exactly not how one's journey was, all the good that one did, eclipsed by one moment of weakness. So fickle was the human mind, unable to see beyond it's prejudices. She raised her finger and licked the salty water off her finger. She found herself giving in to childish sentiments- she found herself tracing his name, carving it, almost searing it into the sand, but when the next crash of lather wiped the slate clean, almost as though giving her another chance to re-write history, she found herself crying.
All the memories came crashing by, in complete sync with each huge giant wave that lashed at her feet. She could feel her emotions rising with each heave and abating with each fall of the stormy water. That was exactly how she felt- stormy. Her usually hazel eyes, now reflected the emotional upheaval she felt, and were mirroring an almost gray, quite like the distant sky.
She knew she should let go, but she found herself unable too. Time was supposed to be the greatest healer of all, but it somehow had seemed to abandon her. It was a damn cold night, the sky above now inky black, and the vast ocean before her fathomless. But somehow that did not scare her, it only served to remind her that each time she thought she had reached rock-bottom, there was an endless myriad still waiting.
She was done trying to figure this out, all on her own. She longed for someone, anyone to take her by the hand and take her somewhere new. She was done with the waiting, the incessant pleading, the torment. She was done with him. But she knew that in a way she was done with herself too- a part of her had died.
Someone told her that love was what would save her. She gave a hollow laugh, look what love had done, it had not given her anything, instead it had taken away every bit of warmth, every fibre of happiness she had ever posessed, until it had left her completely denuded.
The icy wind which at first had only nipped at her, was now biting with a sadistic pleasure she had not known existed, but which she welcomed. The day was long, but this night was her's alone. She had had enough, no more hanging on, she would let herself go, go into the distance, delve into the inky darkness melting around her. She refused to hold on anymore, for she had been let down, time after time.
Her skin white with the cold, was stretched taut across her facial bones. Time held no meaning for her anymore, it was all an endless blur of swirls, patterns and colours, and were usually black, white and varying shades of grey.
She now began to shiver, but she wanted it, needed it, she needed this pain, for it gave her pleasure. With each gust, pain seared through her frozen skin, like tiny, sharp needles. She was beginning to resemble an icicle, but it made no difference, for she had turned into an icicle on the inside long before this. She had looked into his eyes for one last time, pleading and hoping to see something, anything, but all she saw was vast emptiness. And it was the same emptiness that she reflected herself.
She had given of herself with no refrain, and now she had nothing left. She was hollow, there was nothing even vestigeal about her, and healing was impossible. She had nothing to heal with. No hope. The embers within her had died a long time ago, and the burning fire within her had melted away.
Everybody needs some time on their own- but that was what she had always had, time on her own. All that remained within her was a shadow of her past, but she had no one left to blame. She welcomed the darkness, for now she did not want to find a way.
Her fingers had turned numb a long time ago, but she did'nt care, it was not as though she wanted to move. She longed for that moment when she would stop feeling in every sense, no pain, no warmth, no desire, no hurt…………..she ached for it, for she wanted to drown.
The waves now crashed over her pathetic form, for high tide was now setting in. She could feel herself being dislodged by the cataclysmic jolts of water, but she was comfortably numb. All her senses had begun to shut down, she could no longer smell the frightening cold and the salty air, no longer feel the frost on the tips of her fingers, no longer visualize the darkness, and the thundering in her ears had obliterated all other sounds.
Strong arms gripped her with a vice she was unable to feel but which she knew existed, and she found herself being shielded from the elements by a broad chest. Warmth began seeping back into her frozen form slowly, taking almost an eternity and she finally began to thaw, as she rested her head against him.
I'm aware that I'm gripped by an unhealthy obsession with angst, but I'm unable to help it. Please leave behind a review and let me know what you think.