I do not own twilight or anything to do with twilight….just having fun.
Bella's Diary-November 2005
Though his lips were like ice stone when they met mine I could not breathe, my body would become engulfed in flames. I did not deserve the Adonis angel of mine. He thought of himself as a monster, but he saved me from a life of loneliness. Just as my body was ready for him, he pulled back like always, afraid of hurting me, though if he only knew that when he pulled away, that is what hurt the most. I would rather die in his arms than to never have tried. I knew my scent sang to him and it was difficult even to kiss me, but I always hoped for more. I was dizzy as I usually was this close to him. Even HIS scent was intoxicating. Everything about Edward was, but he did not see himself that way, he only saw the monster without a soul. Though I knew he HAD a soul, how could anyone as perfect as Edward not have one? He always saved me before anything else, even his desire for my blood…his personal brand of heroin. Then because of my 18th birthday party he realized the one thing I was most afraid of…..he realized I was not good enough for him. The pain that ripped through my body killed everything inside, I was void, and I was dead. Edward accomplished in one instant what he prevented James from doing in that ballet studio what seemed like a lifetime ago, he killed me. Though I was not "technically" dead, I WAS dead without Edward. He was my life, he told me once that I was his too, but deep down that was hard to believe. I was so ordinary and he was a living Greek god it was all so too good to be true. Then a few days after that atrocious happening at my 18th birthday party he brought reality crashing down upon my heart, I was not enough and he left. All the Cullen's left and that hurt just as much, they had become my family and I hoped to be just like them, Alice had seen it He never would agree to change me like Alice saw, he said he would not make me a monster. On the day that he left me, I wish that he could have, to see I had no life without him. Nothing else mattered to me, but Edward.
Sighs, He was gone though now. A clean break he had said. I saw what he meant. He took all the pictures I had of him, of us. The present of the CD, he had made for me with my lullaby. All of it gone. He had given me a clean break; I think that is what hurts the most knowing I had no reminders of Edward except in my memory, it hurt because I knew over time my weak human mind would fade him and I would be left with nothing of Edward at all. I would grow older in time and not be the Bella that had at one time meant a little something to him. Another dagger about that is he would stay perfect at 17, never age; he would remain my perfect Edward.
I am torturing myself sitting here watching "Ghost," if the movie did not make the impossible break in my heart any bigger the strains of "Unchained Melody" are destroying what is left of my heart. Everything reminds me of Edward and I have probably listened to every 50's record ever made because Edward loved that musical era so much. Edward is so musical and loves just about everything except country. The pains shooting through my body are like a minefield exploding repeatedly with each mention and thought of Edward. I cannot even bring myself to mention his name anymore. However, the thoughts continue to bombard me. I am very determined to not even think about it, it is a goal I will repeatedly fail I am sure. Ugh, "only you" is now playing on the oldies station I am listening too. I know I am a masochistic a phrase Edward once used in regards to him. Instead of Edward's masochistic lion, I am now a masochistic lamb. It is actually almost funny except for the fact that it hurts so much. I think I rented every Dracula or Vampire movie in Forks. You should have seen the look on Eric's face at my selections. Quick as not to let him think, I told him I missed the marathon on TV during Halloween. Even though the Cullen's had, left I still did not want to do or say anything to draw attention to them. I would always protect them even if it were the death of me.
I would think it was all just a dream if not for the pain that encompassed every cell in my body. Of course, I change the radio station, and "It must have been Love" is playing. Will this pain ever end? The words of the song clutch at me…
"Lay
a whisper on my pillow Touch me now, I close my eyes It
must have been love, but it's over now
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake
up lonely, is there a silence
In the bedroom and all around
And dream away...
It must have been good,
but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
Engulfed by despair and trying to act alive when I am very dead inside.
BELLA