A/N: Okay, here's the story. I got bored at school (as per usual) and suddenly the image of C.S. Lewis atop a Great Lion holding (and don't ask me why) the sword of Gryffindor came to me. And the other day, my friends and I were bashing Mary Sues during study hall.
I don't like how Caspian made out with Susan. It disturbed me greatly, I threw popcorn at the screen, and it ruined my birthday. (Going to see the movie was my birthday present from my brother.)
I know this has been done a gazillion times before, but I wanted to try my hand at it. This is a oneshot, but if I get tempted, I might expand it. Reviews are nice and usually helpful, but don't feel obliged. : )
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"We'll go," Peter said.
"We will?" asked Edmund. But Lucy had figured this would happen. She said goodbye to Reep and Trumpkin, and gazed out over the Telmarines and Narnians while the others said good bye. Suddenly the breeze picked up and Lucy heard the strangest thing.
"Do you hear sappy music?" she whispered to Edmund. They both looked uneasily at Peter, who was staring at Susan and Caspian. Who were kissing.
"Oh, GOD!" Edmund yelled. "Somebody get Clive!"
Lucy ran like hell, but was quickly overtaken by Aslan. So she ran back to the square to help restrain Susan.
Susan and Caspian were being held apart by Peter, Edmund, Trumpkin and That-One-Centaur-Whose-Name-I-Always-Forget.
"My love!" Caspian screamed, sounding like a young girl.
"We're only thirteen hundred years apart in age!" Susan yelled, whilst beating Peter with her fists. "You can't stop love!"
Lucy slapped her across the face, but it didn't seem to help.
Suddenly, Alsan came galloping back with Clive Staples Lewis riding on his back. In Lewis's hand was a jeweled sword.
While all this was happening, Regina Spektor's voice floated through the air, crooning something about a 'call'.
C. S. Lewis turned purple. "STOP THE MUSIC!!" he screeched.
There was the sound of a record scratching and then the music halted. Lewis turned to Caspian and Susan who fell to their knees before his powerful gaze.
"You two. What is wrong with you? Caspian, you love Ramadu's daughter in the next chronicle, remember? And Susan – " He would have continued but was interrupted by Susan.
"It's not our fault, sir. It's what the movie script says. And Ben Barnes kept looking at me throughout the film with those eyes..." she trailed off thoughtfully.
Lewis considered this. "I see," he said. He lifted his sword and pointed it at Ben Barnes.
"You, sir, are an imposter." A shock ran through the crowd. "You are hereby banished Narnia, Telmar, Calormen, Archenland, Ettinsmoor, and any other magical land that is born of my mind. Leave now."
"But – but why??" the Caspian-impersonator, Ben Barnes blubbered.
"Because, you're ugly. And sooo not Caspian."
Barnes's mouth became a perfect 'O'. Then he disappeared with a pop not unlike Disapparation from the Harry Potter stories.
Lucy ran forward and hugged Susan, who was shaking her head as if to clear it.
"What happened?" Susan muttered.
Striding down the streets toward them was the True Caspian, ready to resume playing out the scene.
Crisis averted, Lewis left on his merry way to settle down for a nice cup of tea before he would be needed for another hazard such as an incorrect telling of a story, bad grammar, or worse, Mary Sues and Gary Stues. Such was the life of an author.
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A/N: Also, not saying I don't like Ben Barnes, I just don't think he was right for Caspian.
Thanks to those who reviewed! Virtual cookies to you!