Author's Notes: MY FIRST SONGFIC! Funny, I thought my first songfic would be something different…. But never mind, this is good too! I was just listening to it in the car, and I thought how perfect is was for Kenshin and Kaoru. Read and see if you agree!
Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin (Watsuki does), nor 'Things I'll Never Say' (Avril Lavigne does)
Things I'll Never Say
La da da da la da da da da...
It was an ordinary day. Not particularly sunny, just muggy and hot. Yahiko was running about inside the dojo, cleaning the floors and doing other menial chores. Kaoru-dono was practising her katas outside. And I…. I was watching her. Just like always: watching her from a distance. Of course; I am too stained and impure to do anything else. We can't move any closer. My flaws are keeping us apart.
I was so caught up in the distance between us that it made me jump when Kaoru-dono, having stopped practising without my realising it, suddenly came over, the expression on her face one of mixed concern and amusement. "Are you all right, Kenshin? You seem very thoughtful..."
I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pulling at my clothes
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I started abruptly, embarrassed for having been caught staring at her like that. "No, no, Kaoru-dono! I mean, yes! Sessha is just fine!" What a twit. Why is it I always manage to make myself look so stupid? It's a good thing I have the rurouni façade to hide behind. I can laugh it off and smile at her, and she'll think nothing of it.
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head
I got up to move away, to do something useful, like laundry, or cleaning. It does bother me sometimes. I can never really be myself around those I care about, because the real me is far too bloodstained….too ugly. I'm not worthy….
I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it, yeah….
I carried on with this train of thought as I knelt down at the laundry tub. I like doing the laundry, since it doesn't require too much concentration; I can focus on my own thoughts. It also makes me feel cleaner… marginally.
I let my mind wander to a pleasant daydream of the way I only wished things could be, possibly inspired by the kimono of Kaoru-dono's that I was currently scrubbing. In an ideal world, one where I was free from the guilt of my past, I could hold her without fear of staining her with my touch … be with her without fear of inflicting upon her the burden I carried…
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down… on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away….
With these things I'll never say
As it was, I had to protect her innocence as much as possible by keeping my past from her. My actions as a hitokiri, and my current (mostly) peace-filled present, were two worlds I wished to keep apart. The only place where they came together was in me, and I had to bear the nightmares alone.
"Kenshin?"
It won't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you, what's on my mind?
There she was, crouched in front of me again, worried about me despite my determination to prevent her from being so. I smiled at her cheerfully, blocking her from gaining any insight into my musings with practiced ease. They say the eyes are a window to the soul; I lowered mine.
If it ain't coming out
We're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care?
She seemed to care about me, and part of me – no, the whole of me – ached to tell her that I cared about her, too. But even when I made a resolution to tell her, to put my hesitation aside, something inside me wouldn't let the words come out.
'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it, yeah….
"Kenshin? Look at me." Her voice had a bite of impatience to it now. I lifted my eyes even as my hands mechanically continued washing the laundry, rinsing the now clean garment and reaching for another. Her hands reached out to still mine, and I froze obediently, my skin tingling at the contact, little though it was. I wanted to take hold of her hands. There were so many things I wanted to do – holding her hands was the least of them – but I wouldn't allow myself.
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down… on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away….
With these things I'll never say
"Hai, Kaoru-dono? What did you want to ask Sessha?"
It was the distance thing again. Sessha…. Dono…. Those words were like a barrier I placed between us. Only to protect her from me, of course. It hadn't taken me long to realise she was the heart and soul of my existence, and I had to protect her no matter what the cost.
"I wanted to know…" she began, turning slightly pink as I continued to calmly stare into her eyes, "What's on your mind…."
What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
"You're really distant today, and it's worrying me. A problem shared is a problem halved, Kenshin…. If there's something bothering you, I'm here to listen." She smiled at me encouragingly and I felt my heart melt. She wanted to know…. Wanted to listen. What better opportunity could I get, to tell her what I'd always wanted to? That I cared for her more than anything else?
Her fingers were still resting lightly on top of my hands. I swallowed, and fumbled for the right words. "I… um… ano…"
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say
"….Oro?"
I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it, yeah
Of course, things are never that simple.
La da da da la da da da da...
Kaoru-dono's expression saddened, her hands withdrawing from mine. I felt like kicking myself. Why was it, that no matter how many opportunities I was presented with, I could never bring myself to speak my mind? There was always something getting in the way, forcing me to reconsider. I had second thoughts, I had third thoughts. There were a dozen or more reasons why I should keep my relationship with Kaoru-dono strictly on a friend level. Kaoru-dono deserved someone far better than me…
Guess I'm wishing my life away….
With these things I'll never say
She got up from her crouched position – which must have been very uncomfortable for her, and yet I didn't even notice! – and turned away, her shoulders slightly slumped. She looked defeated, and I felt incredibly guilty as I watched her walk away. It was all my fault, of course. She had only been trying to help….
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
It wasn't too late. I could still call after her.
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down… on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away….
With these things I'll never say
"Wait!" I stood up, letting the item of clothing I had been holding idly in my hands fall into the tub. I threw caution to the winds and called out again. "Wait! Kaoru…."
These things I'll never say….
Author's Notes: Well, how did I do? This took me a hell of a long time to word correctly, I can tell you. It's really quite cool if you can read the fic and listen to the song at the same time. Difficult to reach the end of the fic at the same time as the song ends, but y'know, minor details. Let me know how I did: click the little blue button and review!