Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Slam Dunk (belongs to Inoue Takehiko) and the song 'Ocean Deep' belongs to the wonderful Sir Cliff Richard.
Author's note (4/1/2014): I was inspired by one of Sir Cliff Richard's songs, it's called 'Ocean Deep'. And I thought it would be good to spruce it up since this is one of my favourite angsty stories to write for Slam Dunk. Please read on :)
Warnings: RuHana established relationship, possible OOC, angst and expect sweet fluffiness at the end (because I can't stay sad to the end, I write only happy endings). Song lyrics are in italics and are added for atmosphere.
Ocean Deep
The bar's dimly lit and almost silent atmosphere matched Sakuragi's depressed demeanor as the redhead went in and settled for a beer at the counter. The bartender looked on with a knowing sympathetic look as he handed him the drink before returning to polishing his glasses. The beer was bitter on his tongue...it was another sleepless night...so cold...so lonely...
Sakuragi sighed heavily, one hand gripping his red locks in frustration, 'Every night it's the same...he wouldn't come near me...and he would give me that glare to leave him alone...what have I done wrong to make him like this?'
Sakuragi pushed his beer aside, no longer interested in drinking the beverage to drown his nightly sorrows. His thoughts were focused on his Kitsune lover, Rukawa Kaede, who ironically became his drive and inspiration in playing basketball, which over time their rivalry developed to one of grudging respect. Then that grudging respect turned to the most unexpected: love...at that time, Sakuragi thought he saw some semblance of tenderness shining in those cold blue eyes when they got together. Kaede said he accepted his feelings and kissed him on the cheek and that small smile that accompanied it was so beautiful...but after that, that sparkle in the dark blue eyes disappeared...the traces of his kiss on his cheek disappeared and his smile also disappeared...Rukawa went on as before in his icy demeanor yet it seemed to get progressively worse after one year being together...
Rukawa and Sakuragi were currently living together as roommates in the dorms of Kanagawa University but it seemed that the blue-eyed man didn't want the other to come physically close to him. He stiffened at Sakuragi's gentle caresses and chaste kisses and would always hesitantly return his crushing hugs. He said nothing when Sakuragi said 'I love you, Kitsune' to him. Rukawa had insisted to sleep on separate ends of the double-bed they were sharing.
The reminders of his lover's cold demeanor were painful to bear. Sakuragi thought he could open his Kitsune's heart and let him feel the love he had for him...but with each attempt, he would be pushed away...
'Everything was nothing to him then...' Sakuragi frowned, his balled fists turning pale with cut-off blood circulation, 'Maybe I'm...'
Just then, the song in the stereo changed. Hearing the first few melancholy notes that followed, Sakuragi sighed and settled to lie his head on his folded arms on the counter top, his brown misty eyes filled with new sadness. He heard the song before and it fitted so perfectly in his situation.
"Love, can't you see I'm alone?
Can't you give this fool a chance?
A little love is all I ask...
A little kindness in the night...
Please don't leave me behind...
No, don't tell me love is blind...
A little love is all I ask...
And that is all..."
'All I wanted is to be loved...' Sakuragi sighed and buried his head in the open spaces his arms created, 'Why can't I have a chance to love you, Kaede?'
Sakuragi wasn't the type to hide his feelings. It just didn't suit the boisterous character that was Sakuragi Hanamichi. Keeping them inside would make him burst like a balloon. But being with the Ice Prince of Kanagawa, the redhead was forced to hide his sadness and his deteriorating spirit. Inside, he was dying. Over the time together, his hatred for his ex-rival was completely gone. Instead, he wanted to love Rukawa, his icy-hearted Kitsune. He wanted to show him the beautiful feelings and hoped that it could be reciprocated back to him...
'Is it too much to ask...maybe I am selfish...' Sakuragi deduced, 'I've been asking too much of him...'
His hopes for Rukawa to look upon him tenderly and open his heart died gradually to be replaced with pain and depression that he couldn't see basketball in the same light. He had admitted to himself and acknowledged that Rukawa's basketball skills were superior to his. Unlike his Kitsune, he could feel his skills falter and his spirit waned. Love had weakened him...but not Rukawa...Rukawa had in fact grew stronger...more skillful...he was fine...
'I thought that he needs me as much as I need him...' the slicing pain was cutting through his heart, 'I want to help him...'
Sakuragi knew that the other boy had a lonely painful past as well. It was what bonded them yet it seemed like he didn't need the redhead's help even though they became lovers. He told him to not talk about it and grew angry and annoyed with him if he pressed further. If anything, he poured everything he had into basketball and called for the redhead to do the same, his voice was always annoyed and angry with him that he couldn't keep up...they were so distant...but it wasn't supposed to be like this...
"Ooh love, I've been searchin' so long...
I've been searchin' high and low...
And a little love is all I ask...
A little sadness when you go...
Maybe you'll need a friend...
Only please don't let's pretend...
A little love is all I ask...
And that is all..."
Sakuragi felt the burning mositure in his eyes but held it back, 'Having someone to turn to...someone who would understand...someone who would love you back...I thought I have it with Kaede but I was wrong...'
The realisation made Sakuragi's heart bleed. Perhaps Rukawa may not have loved him at all by the way he acted. He was cold and silent...
'But he always have been cold and silent...'
Sakuragi tried to recall when was the last time Rukawa even smiled at him or called him softly...he couldn't remember...and it made him panic...all he picture his Kitsune were stony glares...his shouts to concentrate on the game...his annoyed grunts to be silent when he was napping...nothing...nothing warm to remember by...
'Does he ever care how I feel for him? I am really a do'aho to think that he would ever care a pitiful fool like me...'
Sakuragi's depression deepened as he recalled the long nights when he would cry himself to sleep after he was certain Rukawa was safe in a deep slumber. Yes, the self-proclaimed Tensai cried. Who would think that the cheerful and egotistical redhead had experience with heartache?
No one would hear his muffled sobs of anguished pain and sadness. No one would ever know how much Sakuragi needed a soft embrace, forcing to make do with a pillow he could only crush and hopelessly willing it to embrace him back. At night was the time when Sakuragi could only silently cry out his pain he wasn't allowed to present in broad daylight.
"Love, can't you hear when I call?
Can't you hear a word I say?
A little love is all I ask...
A little feelin' when we touch...
Why am I still alone?
I've got a heart without a home...
A little love is all I ask...
And that is all..."
'Why do I still feel more alone than ever?'
Rukawa was the seme of the pair. Sakuragi gladly relinquished the control to him, hoping that he would be happy being the one to set the pace in their relationship. There were some fleeting touches...a few fleeting kisses...quick fleeting warmth...leaving him cold...bare...and vulnerable.
Sakuragi eventually picked his head up from his arms. He frowned when he found a couple softly making out in a dark corner of the bar. His heart pained yet once again. They were mocking him what he couldn't have. He wanted so much to break up the sweet scene: bash that boy's head and make the girl cry. So that they could feel the pain he was experiencing. But he couldn't as he was glued to his seat and the sinking feeling of sadness outweighed the angry jealousy in his heart.
'I just want a tiny bit of love...or a simple touch from you, Kitsune...' Sakuragi wished in his burdened heart, his throat and misty brown eyes suppressing the urge to cry, 'My heart is so empty and cold...is this how you feel, Kitsune? Is that what you want me to feel?'
Sakuragi sniffled shakily, covering his wet eyes with his hands.
'When was the last time he said or did anything that screams 'I love you' to me? Why are we together then? Why is he with me? Maybe it's because...oh God...' his eyes widened behind his palms, the last vestiges of his bravado fading and the depression reaching his limit, 'He pitied me...he knows about my affections but...'
Suddenly it all made sense to the redhead. If he couldn't recall the last time the other boy said or did anything that says 'I love you' to him, that meant that he was only with him for the sake of it. How ironic...love was supposed to be a beautiful feeling...but it appeared to be one that had a sharp and ugly edge...
Sakuragi knew that his love for the other man would never fade. He had fallen for the opposite traits to his and the beautiful icy features of the raven-haired man. Even if the redhead did leave Rukawa, he would still suffer the anguish of separation. He felt like he was trapped between two planes of deep pain, continue to endure his lover's cold silence and his nightly ritual of crying or to break it off with him and suffer heartache that would surely last for eons.
"I wanna spread my wings...
But I just can't fly...
As a string of pearls
And pretty girls go sailin' by...
Ocean deep..."
'I've been so blind...what have I been doing? But how do I tell Kaede? He will surely be angry with me...'
"Do'aho..."
Sakuragi stilled, feeling the hairs prickle at the back of his head. He didn't dare to face him...he knew that voice anywhere. He swallowed the lump formed in his throat and strictly willed his eyes to not well up with tears. He could practically feel the intense gaze.
"Do'aho, what are you doing here?"
"Why don't you mind your own business, Kitsune?!"
Sakuragi turned to face his lover in the eye and sharply stood up, facing the other man. The atmosphere in the bar grew tense and the patrons and bartender looked on warily.
"You've been spying on me, haven't you, Kitsune?" the redhead said with a quivering voice, "Since when you became concerned for me?"
Rukawa, his icy mask slightly distorted, was taken back by the intense look his lover given him: there was anger and sadness. Not one single trace of happiness. He saw love in his dark eyes...but they looked so pained...
"Yes, I followed you, Do'aho," Rukawa said evenly, "I couldn't sleep and found you outside the building. And here...that's where I found you. Let's go home..."
"Don't toy with me," Sakuragi whispered coldly that made the other barely flinch, "Don't you know what you do to me, Kaede?! No! That's it, you never did anything!"
"Hanamichi, I-"
"And since when did you call me by my name?! No, you shut up and listen to me!" at this point, the redhead's depression completely transformed to hurt anger, "I hate this gap between us! All you ever did was push me away like I never mattered. I got past my phase of hating you but why do you still hate me! What did I do to make you unhappy?!"
"You're wrong, Hana! I-"
"But you act like you don't! I wanted to love you! I still do even though I'm hurting!"
Sakuragi glared at his lover who was staring at his back with wide eyes. But he couldn't hold it for long as his glare turned into a pained, hurt look that even made Rukawa's breath catch.
"Hanamichi...Hana...please stop..." Rukawa reached for his hand but the redhead pulled away and stepped backwards, "Hana..."
"Don't leave me like this, Kaede. Say it straight to me," Sakuragi said in a quivering tone, "Say that it straight in my face. I can't take the pain anymore. I want it to end. I can't have any more doubts. Admit it! There's someone better than me and you're pushing me away. That's enough proof to let me know that I'm not wanted. You hate me, don't you?!"
"Stop it, Do'aho!"
Before the redhead knew it, he was thrown to the ground as he felt a socking punch against his jaw. Shocked gasps echoed in the vicinity. He was shocked to the pits as he laid unmoving, his jaw now sporting a bruise. Rukawa had never struck him before...yelled...grunted...shouted...yes...but not hit him...
'Kitsune...' Sakuragi hid his face in shame from his fallen position, 'It proves it...Kaede...Kaede hates me!'
Rukawa was shocked at what he had done to his lover. He didn't mean to silence the redhead in that manner. He panicked when he saw the brown eyes sparkling with a sheen of unshed tears before he curled up in a quivering ball. He immediately fell to Sakuragi's side, propping him up.
"Hana! Do'aho! I'm so sorry! I-"
"No...no..." Sakuragi shook his head and pushed Rukawa away as he stood up shakily, "I was wrong to think you could love someone like me. I-I'd better go. You won't have to see me again. I'll move out and stay with Youhei until I get a place of my own. I'm sorry for ruining your life with my stupid weaknesses, Kitsune. You're better off without me..."
"I'm so afraid to show my feelings...
I have sailed a million ceilings in my...
Solitary room...
Ocean deep...
Will I ever find a lover?
Maybe he has found another?
And as I cry myself to sleep
I know this love of mine I'll keep...
Ocean deep..."
Just as the redhead was about to take a step towards the exit, Rukawa immediately jumped up and wrapped his arms around his lover's body, shouting hoarsely, "Don't go, Do'aho! I beg of you, don't leave me! I need you!"
Sakuragi gasped in surprise at the sudden outburst and stilled in his tracks.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, Hana..."
The redhead's breath hitched as Rukawa pulled him for a tight, bone-crushing hug that he couldn't breath. The sudden warmth circulated through his system but the redhead made no move to return the embrace.
'It has to be a cruel dream...Kaede wouldn't do this...'
"It's all my fault...I'm so sorry. I'm such a coward. I'm so selfish. I was hurting you so much. I actually heard you cry each night and I couldn't sleep well because of it. I was scared of you do to me...you loved me so intensely and...I just couldn't find it in me how to love you back as you rightly deserve to be."
Sakuragi stiffened. Rukawa was scared of him...because of his love.
Sakuragi shook his head and tried to wriggle out of Rukawa's arms, "So you acknowledge my love for you...but you have to let go, Kitsune. I can't believe my love frightens you. It's obvious I'm disturbing you...I'll leave..."
But the struggle was futile as the other man was as strong as he was.
"Hana, please...I'm not finished yet. I owe you an explanation for how I behaved. I thought things would be normal after that day. But you changed me, Hana. I was so used to my icy demeanor and having my heart open to another frightens me. I thought that I could push you away so that I could be myself...to hold on to the self that drove me to play basketball. But I was wrong..." Rukawa gazed at his lover and reached out a shaky hand to gently caress the bruise on the other's jaw, his blue eyes now filled with intense guilt and regret, "I was so horribly wrong...I killed your spirit...and hearing you cry each night really broke my heart. And what happened tonight when I found you here, trying to hold back your tears...I really regretted what I've done to you for the past year. The chance for me to love you was there but I was selfish and cruel not to take it. You deserved to be loved, Hana...I should've seen that you needed me. Please believe me there's no one else I'd rather be with. There's only you!"
Rukawa carefully observed the man in front of him. Sakuragi was hyperventilating silently in stunned silence, his facial features were tense as they tried to hold back the impending urge to weep. His lover had poured his heart to him...but...
"Don't give me those excuses, Kitsune. What if you don't mean what you said? So you want me to stay and then what will happen tomorrow? Will you act like nothing had happened the night before? I gave you my heart yet I couldn't have yours. How can I trust you now?"
Sakuragi reluctantly pulled away from Rukawa and turned away. Rukawa looked on helpessly.
"I don't know what to believe anymore..." Sakuragi shoulders were shaking slightly, "It hurts, Kaede..."
'What have I done...no...don't you dare leave just yet!' Rukawa shivered and hugged the other man from behind, nuzzling the top of the crimson covered head with his pale cheek, "Please, Hana...I know that I'm being selfish but I'm ready to do everything to win back your trust and your love if it makes you stay and make the pain disappear. Will you give me another chance? Please?"
Sakuragi was shivering with intense emotion as his brown eyes were filled to the brim with tears. Although he should have listened to his mind to break away from the other man and leave without turning back, his heart convinced him that his lover was speaking the truth. He was hurting his Kitsune and himself. The second chance to renew their relationship was there. He narrowly missed it but he managed to grab it just in time.
"Hana..." Rukawa's voice was uncharacteristically pleading and tinged with sadness, "Say something...anything...but please...don't say goodbye..."
Sakuragi couldn't take in the sad tone of his lover as he turned to face him. Rukawa's face was already tainted with silvery tearful trails, his blue eyes filled with pain and sadness...nothing like the icy hearted mask and bravado he wore. It was at that moment, Sakuragi finally gave into his tears.
"Kit...Ka-Ka...Kaede!" Sakuragi embaced Rukawa tightly and pressed his cheek against his chest.
"Oh...oh Hanamichi...thank God you didn't leave..."
Rukawa didn't pull back as Sakuragi buried his head against his neck and wept loudly like a child as they crumpled onto their knees on the floor. Instead, the raven haired man wrapped his arms around the redhead's shoulders, softly brushing his hair and whispering tender words in his ear. The tears on Sakuragi's cheeks trickled down in tiny crystal rivulets and onto Rukawa's sweater and his arms went around his lover's waist in an iron grip. Rukawa's tears of relief dripped onto his lover's red hair.
With an aching heart, Sakuragi rambled as he continued crying, "Ka-Kaede...I'm so sorry...please...I love you, Kaede...I love you. I love you. I love you, Kaede...I need you. I want you. It's not your fault. It's all my fault. I love you so much that I'd die, Kaede. I-"
"Shhhh..." Rukawa voice changed from its monotonous quality to a soft, tender kind as he rocked his lover in his arms back and forth gently, "Shhhh...Hana, it'll be all right...shhhh..."
"Kistune...please...I love you..." Sakuragi whimpered, burrowing his head against his shoulder, "I love you...I love you..."
"I'm so sorry, Do'aho..." Rukawa whispered, "I'm so sorry it took me so long...I'm so sorry...I love you too, Hana. I always have."
At the soft confession, Sakuragi's tears flowed even harder but a soft smile graced his lips. All the loathing, the pain, the depression, the anger and the intentions of leaving Rukawa vanished into thin air as he found himself being protected in his fox-eyed lover's embrace and warmth. This was what he wished for. This was what he needed most. He blushed when he felt Rukawa's long slender fingers touching his cheeks, tenderly wiping his tears away.
"No more crying, Hana," Sakuragi looked up to find Rukawa sporting a gentle look on his handsome face. Just like the day they confessed...Sakuragi stared at that look intensely...he had to memorise it...just in case, his beloved Kitsune wouldn't make that look again, "Don't cry anymore. Everything's going to be all right."
"This has got to be a dream...if it is only for tonight...I...I don't mind if you give me one last kiss or hug...all I ask is a little bit of love, Kaede...or even...be a small part of your life..." Sakuragi tore his eyes away.
Rukawa shook his head, tilting the redhead's chin to meet his eyes, "Do'aho, I don't want you to be a small part of my life..."
Rukawa caressed his lover's cheek with his thumb.
"I want you to be a big part, Hana..." Rukawa whispered as he gave a soft and hesitant kiss on the redhead's forehead, "I'm willing to take the second chance to make you happy again. I want to make our time together in basketball special from now onwards. Will you let me, do'aho?"
Sakuragi gave a nod with shining brown hopeful eyes and a smile adorning his lips. Much to the redhead's surprise, Rukawa initiated their very first real kiss. Unlike other times when Sakuragi would be the one to bestow them and receive a fleeting sensation in return, this kiss was slow and gentle before it turned on with passion and desperation. Rukawa arms were now snaking around Sakuragi's waist, pushing their hips together and leaving no gap between their bodies. Sakuragi let out a whimper and a sob and pulled his lover closer, ravaging his lips like they were his source of everlasting elixir of life. Rukawa growled and pushed his lover against a nearby wall before resuming their kiss. It was hot and hungry and they could taste the remnant of tears on their lips.
'No more...I won't make Hana cry anymore...'
The kiss was broken as Rukawa trailed his lips to suck on Sakuragi's neck, leaving a red mark in its place. Rukawa growled with satisfaction with a husky whispered 'Mine'. The redhead panted and moaned softly at his lover's assault before he was pulled for another warm embrace.
"Kitsune, you're not the seme for nothing, are you?" Sakuragi whispered as he laid his head comfortably on the crook of his lover's shoulder, only to have his earlobe nibbled lightly thus sending a pleasurable chill down his spine.
"I won't hurt you again, Do'aho...not after what happened tonight...and the days before..." Rukawa whispered with earnest honesty, "I only want you to be with me. I just...I just hope that you made the right decision. I know that I'm not perfect with expressing my feelings like you do and-"
"I don't want you to change yourself just because of me. I fell in love with Rukawa Kaede whose traits are opposite to me, Sakuragi Hanamichi. I just need to know that it is me you love..."
Rukawa smiled reassuringly and hugged the man even tighter, "There is no one else in my heart but you, Hana...because you are the Tensai."
Sakuragi became mesmerized by the beautiful smile on his lover's face when he pulled back to feel the pale hand tenderly cupping his tanned cheek. There it was...that same smile! The redhead beamed softly as he and his lover closed the distance between them for another kiss before leaving the bar hand in hand to head back to the dorms before they got spotted. The atmosphere between the two men changed. For it was warm and companionable, nothing like the cold and lonely atmosphere they shared in the past year. The sad depressing song faded in the background...
As Rukawa kissed the back of his hand with a gentle glow in his sapphire blue eyes, Sakuragi felt liberated...finally happy that his love for his Kitsune was reciprocated and that it would forever remain deep as an ocean...
OWARI
Omake
Sakuragi slowly opened his eyes as he heard the birds chirping outside their small bedroom window. He blinked his eyes open, surprised that warmth was surrounding him and found pale muscular arms embracing him close to an equally muscular pale chest. He dared to look up and found his Kitsune asleep, a peaceful expression painting his handsome face. He felt a slight tinge of pain in his own jaw, recalling that there was where he was punched...although now, his happiness that Rukawa was holding him willingly in his sleep outweighed the hurt from last night.
'So it wasn't a dream?' Sakuragi leaned down to kiss the pale forehead lovingly, 'Kaede...'
For once, the redhead felt full and his heart was radiating with happiness...this meant that Rukawa was willing to try to make him happy again...and he loved him back!
"Hmm...Hana?" a sleepy mumble greeted Sakuragi as dark blue eyes blinked open...they weren't as cold as before...and it made him look beautiful, "Morning..."
"Kaede..." the redhead felt his cheek gently brushed by the back of long slender fingers and watched a small frown mar his lover's face, "What's wrong?"
"I hurt you..." Rukawa said with some self-loathing as he traced the bruise and then trailing to Sakuragi's chest where he could feel his heartbeat, "I'm going to treasure it this time...I won't ever break your heart ever again..."
Sakuragi's smile was bright as sunshine and he leaned down to kiss his Kitsune, "I believe you, Kaede...I'm here now...I won't ever leave you after now truly knowing that you love me...that's enough..."
"No...it's not..."
Rukawa surprised Sakuragi by flipping him onto his back and towered over him, "Kaede..."
"I love you, Hana...last night made me see how I could've lost you...I have a lot to make up for..." Rukawa said, leaning down to kiss the tip of his nose, "This time...let me give you all I have in me..."
"Baka Kitsune..."
Sakuragi pulled his Kitsune down for a passionate kiss which the other reciprocated enthusiastically...drowning in an ocean filled with blinding passion...growing lust...but most of all...pure love...
THE REAL END