"I'm not sure I'll ever get used to this," Alex was tense. This was their fifth visit to the fertility clinic, and four times already she had had to cope with the crushing disappointment of not falling pregnant.

"I'm hoping you won't need to," Olivia said softly, taking up her hand. "This could be our lucky day, Alex." Olivia chafed Alex's hand between her own. Despite the waiting room being warm – almost too warm – Alex's fingers were cold. Olivia looked at Alex. "We don't have to do this baby," she said. "We can go home right now. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do."

Alex tried to smile. "I do want to do this. Well, I don't much enjoy the process. But I want to have a baby. Our baby. More than anything. It has to work sooner or later, doesn't it?" she looked at Olivia for reassurance.

"There's no reason why it shouldn't," Olivia phrased her response carefully. She knew how much Alex hated the clinic. She had felt the same way before falling pregnant with Lily. It was bad enough that their second child would be conceived in a clinic, but she remembered only too well how difficult it had been to force herself to relax enough to climax after the insemination. But she – and Alex – had read all the literature, and listened to all the medical advice. It was clear that there was a much greater chance of conceiving if Alex came right after insemination. Olivia smiled at Alex. "I guess we've had more romantic afternoons than this, huh?"

Alex's smile was weak. She was so grateful that Olivia understood what she was going through. It had taken them four attempts before Olivia had gotten pregnant with their now 16-month-old daughter Lily. Alex relaxed marginally as she thought of Lily. She remembered being so excited, and so terrified, when Olivia was expecting her. But she had brought so much joy and laughter, and love, into their lives. "We don't want Lily to be an only child, do we Liv?"

Olivia kissed her tenderly. "I just want you to be okay, Alexandra. Are you okay?"

Alex nodded. "I have you. And Lily. Of course I'm okay."

"Miss Cabot?" the nurse called. "We're ready for you."

Alex got to her feet, straightening her back. Olivia took her hand as they entered the treatment room.

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It took nearly two hours, but eventually Olivia coaxed Alex to a weak climax.

"That's it, baby, good girl," Olivia whispered, taking Alex in her arms. "You did good. Try and lie still if you can," she felt Alex clinging tightly to her. "Keep your hips still if you can. Hey, sweetie," Olivia heard Alex let out an anguished sob. "It's okay. We can go home soon. Just need to keep you still for 40 minutes. Lex, what's wrong baby?"

Alex just clung tighter to Olivia. She felt so miserable. Only Olivia's strong arms made her feel safe. "Hold me," she choked out.

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That evening, Alex sat in the much-loved leather chair in Lily's room, holding their daughter as she fell to sleep in her arms. Normally, they were strict about putting Lily to bed while she was still awake, so that she would get used to drifting off to sleep on her own. But tonight, for reasons Alex couldn't articulate, even to herself, she wanted desperately to hold their child as she fell to sleep. Olivia realized that Alex was getting much-needed comfort from their daughter, so she tactfully withdrew from the room and left Alex to settle the child.

Much later, Alex came out of Lily's room. Olivia looked up and put down the book she was reading. She got up from the couch and took Alex in her arms. She held her for a few moments, relishing the feel of Alex relaxing in her embrace. "Whisky?" Olivia suggested.

"Oh God yeah," Alex tried to smile. She settled on the couch while Olivia poured them both a generous measure. Alex pulled Olivia down onto the couch with her. "I love you, Liv," she said in a quiet voice.

"I love you too, Alexandra. Always have. Always will."

Alex snuggled into her arms. She kissed her softly. "I don't want to make love," she said, almost apologetically. "Not tonight. Do you mind?"

"Not one bit. Can I hold you though?" Olivia asked.

"Please."

"You want to tell me what's gotten you so upset?" Olivia thought she could guess.

Alex buried herself further into Olivia's front. Absent-mindedly, she cupped a soft breast. Olivia forced herself not to react, knowing that Alex's hand was seeking comfort, not sex.

"I wanted to do better today," Alex whispered. "I really did. But ... it was so hard."

"You did great, Lex. You came, didn't you?"

"Barely," Alex sounded so miserable.

"It could have worked. We won't know for a while. Try not to second-guess the outcome baby. It'll be okay," Olivia rubbed her hand lovingly up and down Alex's back.

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Thirteen days later, Olivia turned in bed and realized she was alone. She looked at the clock; 0646am. She listened carefully, and heard the unmistakeable giggle of her daughter. She smiled. Alex must be giving her her breakfast.

Olivia slid out of bed, and padded to their en-suite bathroom. She peed and washed her hands. She opened the bathroom cabinet to retrieve her toothbrush, and that's when she saw that the new packet of tampons on the shelf had been opened. Her heart sank; she knew exactly what that meant.

Alex looked up as Olivia entered the kitchen. "Hey, Lily, it's your mama," she said to the child.

Lily looked over and gave a huge smile at the sight of her mother. "Mama!" she cried. "Have toast!" she instructed, holding up a half-chewed piece of toast and jam.

"Hey, munchkin," Olivia kissed their daughter on the top of her head. "I'll get some of my own toast, sweetie, you eat that piece." She accepted a mug of coffee that Alex passed over to her. "You're a saint," she took a large sip.

Alex smiled back at her, and turned back to the counter. "I'll put some toast on for you Liv," she said, trying to keep her voice bright.

Olivia could see that Alex was trying to hold it all together. She approached her and slid her arms around her waist from behind. She rested her chin on Alex's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, baby," she whispered.

Alex stiffened. She put on hand on the counter top, steadying herself for a brief moment. She put the other hand gently over Olivia's. "We have time. We'll get there," she said, in a soft voice.

Olivia just tightened her grip round her waist.

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"I feel such a ... failure," Alex admitted that night after they had put Lily down for the night. She tried to smile. "I'm not used to not getting my own way, I guess. Spoilt princess syndrome."

"Alex..." Olivia started to speak.

"I'm sorry. Self-pity. I just feel like I'm letting you down."

"You have never let me down. Ever."

"We haven't made love for nearly a fortnight. I know you, Detective Benson. You must be horny as hell."

"Honestly? No," Olivia said. "Make no mistake, Alexandra. There is no purer joy than making love with you. That sound you make, when you ... it's beautiful. But I only want to make love when you want to. And I know, the clinic, it's ... difficult. And I know it's meant you can't relax right now. Not properly. But you mustn't think that you have to ... do anything ... for me. I just want to hold you. Nothing more. Nothing less. I want to sleep with you in my arms. And when this is all over, everything will fall back into place. You're putting too much pressure on yourself, and you don't need to do that. Just relax, and let me take care of you. We can survive a few weeks without sex, can't we? A few months, even. Whatever it takes. I'll be waiting for you."

Alex's eyes filled with tears.

"Tomorrow's Friday," Olivia continued. "Just two more days of work, and we have some downtime. Let's talk tonight, plan something good for the weekend."

"Let's take Lily out. Sarah and Jay are back tomorrow," Alex smiled at the thought of her niece and her firefighter girlfriend. "Though I'm not sure if they're coming back here or staying at Jay's."

"We have better laundry facilities," Olivia said, drily. "I'm betting they'll come here. And it's nearer the airport."

"We barely heard from Sarah," Alex said. "I hope they've been having a good time."

"I'm guessing they're having a great time," Olivia grinned. "A ten-day vacation in Cape Cod is just what they needed. Sarah did so well, didn't she?"

"I can't believe she's graduated already," Alex agreed. "And she's starting work next month."

"It's amazing. We'll have a research scientist in the family!"

"Neuroscientist," Alex reminded her. "She's so smart. She's going to do it all. If anyone can find a cure for Alzheimers, motor neuron, MS, all that, it's going to be her."

"She'll have missed Lily," Olivia mused. "Jay, too. Let's all go to lunch, at the diner. And then we'll take the ferry, show Lily where it all began, huh?"

Alex smiled. On one of their first dates, Olivia had taken her to Liberty Island on a night ferry, and together they had watched the huge statue loom up in front of them. She remembered the awe with which Olivia had gazed at the statue, and she would never forget the words she had spoken to her. "Freedom and opportunity. That's what she symbolizes. And that's what you are to me, Alexandra. More than that, you have brought me love."

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"Do you think she's okay?" Jay asked Sarah that Sunday evening, as they let themselves into her apartment.

Sarah nodded. "She will be. She has Olivia."

"She seems so sad."

"I think she really thought it would work this time. I think maybe she's wondering if it will ever happen for her."

"We have all that to come, one day, I suppose," Jay said. "It'll be kinda strange, huh?" She looked over at her girlfriend and smiled. Just the knowledge that they planned to be together when it came time to have kids was exciting. "You know what I'm looking forward to? Really looking forward to?" her eyes twinkled.

"Surprise me," Sarah teased.

"I wanna be a grandma. I want us to be grandmas. Sitting on the park bench, watching our grandbabies playing."

Sarah grinned. "I know what I'm looking forward to," she said, her voice lowering as she reached out to unbutton Jay's shirt. "I'm looking forward to making out with the hottest grandma in the city."

"Just the city?" Jay pouted comically.

"The state. The country! Hell, the continent."

"Well, if you must put geographical limitations on my appeal...," Jay pretended to sulk and pulled away in jest.

"What time are you working tomorrow?" Sarah checked her watch.

"Not until 2pm," Jay smiled, seeing her lover's brain click into gear.

"Well, Ms Kazinsky. That's 18 hours from now. I suggest you make use of the time we have and prove to me just how global your skills really are," she tugged playfully at the hem of Jay's shirt.

"Is that a challenge?"

"It most certainly is officer," Sarah grinned.

"I do so like a challenge," Jay whispered."

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As Olivia came into the apartment that Wednesday evening, Alex looked at her watch. 10.48pm. "Hey, honey, long day, huh?" she kissed Olivia tenderly, looking anxiously at the worry lines at the corners of Olivia's eyes.

"Yeah," Olivia tried not to yawn. "I'm sorry, Lex, you shouldn't have waited up for me."

"I didn't want to go to bed alone," Alex admitted. "I like it better when you're there next to me."

Olivia smiled. "How was your day?" she tried to deflect attention from her own day from hell.

"It was fine. Good, in many ways. Caryn's been driving me crazy, but she means well. I never imagined it would work out, having her there. But it's been okay. She's still flirting outrageously with me, and you should just hear some of the things she says about you!"

"She knows how lucky I am," Olivia said. She liked Caryn Wright too, a fairly recent addition to Alex's office. She had been prepared to hate her, as she knew even before she met her that she had been Alex's only one-night stand. But Caryn was humorous, sharp, acidic and, deep down, decent. She had seen immediately how close Olivia and Alex were, and had backed right off. But she had maintained the blatant flirting, with both of them, even going so far as to nickname Olivia 'Hot Cop', or 'HC', depending on her mood. Olivia had nearly spit out her coffee one day when Caryn had announced loudly that Alex really should appreciate the 'spectacular boob-age' of her girlfriend.

"Did you eat?" Alex asked Olivia.

"Yeah, we had Chinese in the squadroom," Olivia said. Her voice cracked. "We were too late," she said. "We got him, but we were too late."

"I heard," Alex spoke softly. She dreaded days like this. The squad had been on the job since 1.15am, but they hadn't reached the abducted child in time to save him from the rapist. The rapist was now in jail, but the boy was scarred for life. He was four-and-a-half years old. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart."

Olivia nodded. "You have to make sure he never gets out."

"I swear," Alex promised her.

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"Did you sleep?" Alex smiled as Olivia blinked owlishly the following morning.

"Yeah," Olivia sounded surprised. "I did. Though I had a great idea before I did."

"Oh yes?"

"Do you think you could get any time off next week? Say Monday to Wednesday?"

"I guess... we're not that busy. I've got the Hopkins hearing on Tuesday afternoon, but if I ask Caryn nicely, she may be able to cover for me. Why?" Alex was intrigued.

"Cragen told me I have to take some of my vacation days soon, or I'll lose them. And you, you need to relax. Get away from it all. Forget all about the fertility clinic."

"What's on your mind, detective?"

"Let's go away for a few days. Take Lily for her first vacation. Somewhere different. In the country. Maybe up to the Great Lakes, something like that? We both need to breathe clean air, get back some perspective."

"Get back my sex drive too?" Alex said, a little sadly.

Olivia looked at her. "That's not what I meant," she said softly. "I just want you to take it easy. Stop being so hard on yourself. Take some time out from everything. We'll go for long walks, maybe take a boat. Show Lily some of the beautiful countryside. What do you think, Lex?" Olivia sounded eager.

"I think it's a great idea. I'll talk to Liz and Caryn today."

"I'll book us somewhere," Olivia sounded excited. "This is going to be great, Alexandra."

"It's going to be perfect, Liv," Alex said.