Summary: It couldn't be right. It was impossible.

Warnings: SPOILERS for chap 168, suicide and very slight insanity.

Rating: T

Pairing: ImpliedCrossAllen

Disclaimer: Do you think one of my all time favourite manga/anime characters would be dead if I owned D.Gray-man? Thought so too.. And for those of you who didn't understand, what I am saying here is that I don't own the manga or anime in question.

A/N: My reaction to the events in chap 168. This really has much of my own feelings woven into it so it pretty much is really crappy and not that good in description or emotions as the only thing that was even close to an emotion/feeling that I could identify while writing this was shock. So try and enjoy, yeah?

xxx

Rest in peace, my beloved

xxx

It couldn't be right. There's no way he could be dead. Komui had to be lying. He could hear the concerned voices of his friends but they didn't really register in his mind. It was impossible. No-one could kill him. He knew that much.

Marian couldn't be dead.

xxx

It wasn't until a few days later that my friends found me again. I was staring from the highest tower in the Order to the black water that was many, many feet below me. I wondered briefly if my body would be crushed or could it be identified after I'd jumped.

And then, just when I was about to do something I should've done some time ago already, I heard Lavi's fake cheerful voice.

"Oi Moyashi, you're not thinking of jumping, are ya?"

All three of them froze when they saw my gaze. I knew it was cold, emotionless and empty. I knew my other eye was a reddish black and I knew the other one was slowly turning golden. I knew the curse had spread out to cover the whole left side of my face in its delicate designs. I knew I must've been a terrifying sight to them. The always smiling Allen, the Allen that nothing could beat down, was there standing in front of them looking colder than Kanda could ever be.

"A-Allen-kun, are you alright?" Lenalee. Hmm, she'd never stuttered before.

I give out a hollow laugh. "As alright as I can be considering the circumstances." Of course that didn't really give them an answer but I don't care.

"Moyashi, you're making Lenalee cry." that grumpy and annoyed voice belonged to Kanda. I wonder how they got him to search me too, maybe something about not giving him any missions before I was found.

Another cold and humourless smile crosses my lips. "I don't care anymore."

"Allen, I know it must be hard but you should talk about it to someone, ya know." Lavi actually used my real name for once.

"You don't know half of it." This time the coldness in my voice surprised even me.

"Then tell us! Please, Allen-kun. We're your friends!" The tears had only increased on her face.

I burst out in hysterical laughter after that. "You? My friends? Not anymore. I have lost something no-one can bring back and no-one can replace. I've lost the only person who kept me together. I lost the only one who knew how to pick up the pieces and put them together again in the right order."

Lavi's face had something that reminded a suspicious look on it.

My grin stretched out and I knew it was maniacal. "I've lost the only one I've ever loved after my father."

That was the moment I stepped on the ledge of the tower and smiled one last time, a true smile reserved only for that person.

Rest in peace, my beloved.

xxx

A/N: I believe I said something about killing characters already in 'Losing control', didn't I? Anyways, review!! I need to know if someone else is grieving also and flamers will be fed to my insane authoress or my equally crazy dog.