I don't own OHSHC. And I know the summary is a bit . . . silly but, trust me, it does, actually relate to the story. NOT a karaoke!fic. Also I used one line directly from a showtune song, and I mangled a different one (different musical, too) in the fic. I'm curious to see if anyone cn find them both . . .
Everything in the Universe was close to, but not quite normal. Honey had way too much sugar, and was bouncing off the walls instead of his usual quiet, childlike façade, Mori was reduced to twitching, the twins were, for once, bored with the young ladies surrounding them, Tamaki had no customers, and, out in the garden, Casanova knew that someone tampered with his tomatoes. He would get revenge, but he was busy . . . Damn . . .
Needless to say, this was not helping Kyouya's blood pressure.
What of Haruhi? The audience may be asking- or not, I don't really care. You're finding out anyway.
Well, Ms. Fujioka had the average three girls seated around her, and was having a truly, honestly, awesomely amazingly fun time.
Or, at least, that's what it looked like to the meddlesome twins.
"Hey, King, look at Haruhi," Hikaru suggested, leaning on his right shoulder.
Kaoru slipped on his other side, before casually saying; "She's looks like she's having fun . . ."
"Doesn't she?" They remarked together.
"Almost . . ." Hikaru mused, feigning uncertainty.
"Too much?" Kaoru suggested, as a helpful brother should.
"Exactly!" Hikaru grinned.
Tamaki looked at his 'daughter', and saw her laughing, and flirting. With girls. He knew what the twins, who knew her well, were insinuating.
"No," he whispered, before screaming "Mommy!" at the top of his lungs.
"Yes, Tamaki?" Kyouya answered snappily. He was not in the mood for tomfoolery of Tamaki's, nor anyone else's, variety. He was in the mood for a massage. And maybe some fatty tuna.
"Haruhi is having too much fun!" He cried, and pointed dejectedly.
Kyouya glanced and said; "She's making money; perhaps to get away from you."
Tamaki all but teleported to his emo corner.
"Thank you, Shadow King, now who'll get him out of there?" The twins asked, in bored synchronization.
"No one. You," he pointed to them both, "Host. Now."
At the sight of his glare, they both ran.
Unfortunately, they ran directly to the ever-sacred emo corner.
"It's okay, King . . ." Hikaru soothed.
" . . . I'm sure she's not gay, or leaving our family for Renge or anything." Kaoru finished.
Tamaki sniffled, "My daughter! My poor, gay, daughter . . ."
"No, no, no," Hikaru said. "No, I'm sure she'd rather sleep with Kyouya."
Tamaki turned to Kyouya, puppy pout lasers set on 'Please, don't have screwed my daughter!'
Kyouya, 'gods bless him,' the twins mused silently, smirked in Tamaki's direction.
Now, many people would have taken this to mean 'eh, maybe', but Tamaki reasoned that Kyouya was saying something more like, 'damn straight I tapped that'.
He began crying.
"Oh, no, King. No need to cry, I'm sure her innocence is fine . . ." Kaoru assured.
"Then again . . ." Hikaru said gravely, and he had Tamaki's full attention, "Many, many girls like her. Who knows if she took advantage of that?"
"Good point, brother." Kaoru admitted, for the sake of torturing Tamaki.
"You're sure my Haruhi is . . . gay?" Tamaki asked, with the promise of sobs in his voice.
"No, not sure," Kaoru said. He had begun to feel a bit . . . guilty. This was going to have to be fixed.
"Just, look at her. Over there. Flirting. It's . . . gross, don't you think, my lord?" Hikaru, oh great one of no shame, remarked.
"Host Club is over, you may leave now," Kyouya said ceremoniously. Honey and the twin's neglected girls filed out.
Haruhi's, however, stayed after for idle chitchat with their favorite host, as they were slowly escorted to the door.
"Why are we watching Haruhi, guys?" Honey asked, running up clutching Usa-chan.
"Sh!" Tamaki said harshly.
"Tamaki thinks Haruhi is gay," one twin said, a slightly deadpanned looked on his face. The other wore the same expression.
"Oh," Honey mused, "So homosexuality is genetic?" He brightened, thinking he got it.
Six eyes, two violet and four greenish yellow, settled on him.
"What?" He ducked behind the rabbit.
"It makes perfect sense!" Tamaki crowed victoriously.
"Oh no." Nearly everyone else said in unison, including Mori, excluding Kyouya.
"Haruhi is homosexual because of her father, I blame him!" Tamaki continued.
"Aren't you her father?" Kaoru asked, wondering if the father role had swapped from Tamaki to Honey.
Tamaki sighed. "Ranka-san."
Kaoru nodded.
"So, what do we do about it?" Hikaru asked.
"Well, what can we do?" Honey said sagely, "if she's gay; she's gay. It's in her DNA, she's gay!"
Haruhi ushered the girls out the door, and turned to them, wild fury marring her features. "I'm not gay!"
Kyouya looked up and pushed his glasses back, as he always did before destroying others' souls. "You were yesterday."
Shock.
Complete shock.
Haruhi blushed, "Stalking rich bastard . . ." she muttered.
Tamaki raced forward in a blur and clutched her leg, his eyes crying into her hip, "So it's true, daughter? You are gay?"
"What? No! I'm. . ." She trailed off. "Why do you care, anyway?!"
Tamaki sobbed harder.
"So," Hikaru said, leaning over the weeping heir.
"You're into girls, eh?" Kaoru breathed into her ear, leaning on her to match his twin.
"Get off of me, all of you! And, yes, I'm bisexual; like my father. I even have a date tonight- we're meeting here. Would you like to meet my date?" Haruhi exploded, rash ands brash as ever.
"Umm." Was the general emotion on all the Host's faces, including Kyouya.
"Well?"
"Of course, Haru-chan!" Honey said, running to hug her. "Do we know this person?"
"Yes." Haruhi said, steeled.
"Have they ever come to the club?"
Haruhi loosened and almost laughed. "Yeah. And I have to get changed, so . . .?"
Honey caught the hint and let go. He said, "Okay! I'm going to cake eat cake; maybe you're girlfriend will eat with me!"
Haruhi escaped into "her dressing room", with Tamaki sobbing behind her about his poor gay daughter on her heels.
He tried to follow her in, but she pushed him out, and he simply stood there, less than an inch from the cloth. Still sobbing.
Less than five minutes later, she came out again, dressed in a surprisingly pretty cotton skirt, and a pink camisole, keeping her uniform shirt unbuttoned over it.
Unfortunately, she didn't get far out before knocking into Tamaki and falling down inside.
" . . . Cute!" Tamaki shrieked scooping her up in a hug, the skirt she wore flying up farther than it should have.
"You look so pretty for your girlfriend, Haru-chan!" Honey said adoringly. Once again, the twins had to think: 'God bless him'.
Tamaki dropped her.
"Senpai!" Haruhi cried indignantly, from where her knees ached from the sturdy, handy, beautiful, masterfully installed-wood floors.
"Oh. Right . . ." Tamaki murmured, before returning to his corner.
Haruhi watched the clock, and it was exactly one minute before five.
"We were supposed to meet here at five . . ." She muttered. "Usually so early . . ."
"It's okay, I'm sure she's-"
Knock knock knock. "Fujioka-chan?"
"He's here," she said, with a small grin.
"He?" Everyone seemed to ask, as Tamaki bounced from his emo corner.
"My daughter dates a boy after all!" He beamed.
Then, Kasanoda walked in, and Tamaki's sunshine ran away.
"K-Kasa . . .noda?" He whispered.
"Yeah, so?" Haruhi asked, smiling softly.
"You look pretty, Fujioka-Chan," he muttered shyly, his hair shielding his eyes.
"Thanks," she replied startled. "I think we should leave now, though."
"O-Okay," he stuttered.
They left, somewhat companionably.
Watching out the window, they noticed how good they looked together, despite that they could see Kasanoda's blush redder and brighter than his hair.
"Better than a girl, right King?" Hikaru grumbled.
"I suppose," he sighed.
Honey grinned, and couldn't help this last, completely 'innocent' dig. "So, loving men is in Haruhi's blood, along with loving women!"
"Annnnnnd Tamaki runs down the field, faster, faster, faster!" One twin narrated.
"And he lunges . . . and there he is, folks, he's in the corner!" The other finished, and Honey waved a small "Go Tamaki's Pain!" flag. Mori played a tape of fanfare and a victory-drunk band.
Yes, Kyouya was going to need blood pressure pills.