Chapter 1
"So, Colt have any news about your next fight?" Paddy asked as they made the drive from Pittsburgh to Philly the next day.
"Mmm?" Tommy was staring out the window of the old Plymouth, lost in thought. "No, he ain't said nothin'!"
Paddy grunted a reply. His relationship with his boys was already mended, there were still the odd times when something would come up from the past, but they worked through it now. They were a family, a family that they didn't have growing up, and they were happy. But they were still the strong quiet types, The Conlon men were never much for talking!
"You Ok Tommy? You've been pretty distance today!" His father observed. "How long's it been since you saw your therapist?"
He gave his father a look "Over a month, I guess!" He replied, "Pops, I'm alright, just tired s'all!" He saw the look his father was giving him. The rest of the Conlon's had convinced Tommy while he recovered from his injuries he received at Sparta, to see a therapist to help him deal with his past, family and military. Both Brendan and their Pops had agreed to go with him if he needed them to. He was totally against the idea at first, saying that training and fighting was the best therapy for him, but eventually he agreed and realized after the first month, that it really was helping him!
"You need a break from training, this weekend will do you good I think!" Paddy replied. Tommy gave his father a stunned look, never had he ever thought he'd hear anything like that come out of his father's mouth! "It's true, you look like death here lately, not just because you've dropped a weight class, Colt's got you workin' all hours and trainin' on top of that, it's not good!"
"Yeah, he's tryin' to get me in this event, not as big as Sparta, but close, down in Vegas in a couple a months. Say's this could make my career really take off!" Tommy rested his head back on the glass, staring out at the frozen October scenery.
Colt had convinced him to drop down to the next weight class, saying that agility made a better fighter, not that all that bulk wasn't helpful, but Tommy couldn't maneuver like the lighter fighters. He was still Tommy 'The Tank' Conlon, his overall physique was still larger than the normal middle weight contenders, but as long as he kept his weight close to 185 lbs. it was all good!
"Good, good!" His father grunted, "Now, get some rest, don't want to be scarin' Rosie and Emily into thinkin' zombies are real, do ya?"
Tommy hadn't been a big fan of little kids, hell any kids besides Manny's, until he met his two beautiful nieces two years ago, he loved playing with Emily and Rosie, but he'd quickly make an escape when it came to tea parties and dress up time. "S'pose not!" He replied, closing his eyes, hoping that for the next 5 ½ hours his mind would be filled with that brown-eyed beauty once again.
But he would be disappointed, the blackness behind his eyelids turned into blinding light and the sounds of explosions and people screaming filled his ears. He could smell the burning all around him, flesh, wood, fuel. He heard the jets whizzing overhead. He saw the flagman face down in the sand, the stars and stripes held tightly in his outstretched hand. Grabbing the flag and waving it furiously, Tommy screamed at the fighter jets as they did another Passover, still not realizing that they were friendlies!
Shit, where was Manny? He screamed for his brother. He scanned the area, frantically searching for him, with no trace. 'Fuck, he's gone! I failed Pilar, lil' Man' and Eva!' He thought, when suddenly someone grabbed him from behind and pulled him along the sand, it was Manny, he was hurt, but he was determined to get them to safety.
"What the hell is going on?" Manny yelled over the confusion, "Don't they see the flag?" They were under "friendly fire", but they had yet to see what was so friendly about it, half of Tommy's unit had been wiped out, the other half would probably die from their injuries before anyone got there to help them! It was just him and Manny running for their lives from men they called their brothers!
Another jet whizzed overhead, unloading machine gun fire into the sand around them, they kept running until they found shelter inside one of the small shacks that made up the village, or what was left of it.
"Damn it! My radio's busted, Manny, give me yours!" Tommy cursed, no reply, "Manny!" Tommy looked around, Manny wasn't beside him, "FUCK!" He saw the body of his best friend, his brother, laying in the dirt street, eyes to the sky and lips moving in prayer. "MANNY!"
Tommy burst from his hiding spot as he heard the last of the jet engines fade into the distance. Manny was whispering a hurried prayer over and over as bloodstained tears ran down his face. Tommy held onto his friend, promising that he would be alright, that help would be there soon, but help came too late, Manny had died in his arms after making him promise to take care of Pilar and the kids, just minutes after Tommy reached him. He held onto Manny's lifeless body, trying to convince himself that this wasn't happening, that Manny would be alright, as tears ran down his face and grief ridden sobs racked his body. He decided then and there that this would be the last he would see of Afghanistan!
My god, how would be tell Pilar that she was now a widow and the kids that they were now fatherless? He knew he had to be the one, even though it was his fault his best friend had died!
When the cleanup crew arrived to collect the bodies, they thought they were going to have to shoot Tommy so he would give up his grip on the lifeless body in his arms.
"Sir, we need to get you back to base camp and get those injuries looked at!" A young private replied, pulling Tommy to his feet.
Huh? Hurt, Tommy didn't feel any pain, he was numb all over, numb with grief, numb with anger. Tommy attacked the young private, "Take your filthy hands off of me, Damn traitors, all of ya!" He yelled at the men. He was like a maniac, throwing insults at them, attacking anyone who came too close, his grief stricken mind along with the confusion of that what had happened, that he was the only one of twenty left alive, was telling him that they were all enemies, despite the US flags on their uniforms. He had been betrayed by the people he had trusted the most! Finally, he had to be tackled to the ground and sedated before he was loaded into a truck and taken back to camp.
He awoke with a start, he almost jumped out of his seat. "Tommy! What's wrong?" Paddy asked, laying a hand on his youngest sons arm soothingly as he slowed the car to a stop.
It took Tommy a few minutes to come to his senses and realize he was dreaming. He wiped the sweat from his face and pinched the bridge of his nose tightly between his thumb and pointer finger. "I think I'll call Donovan when we get back on Monday!" He sighed. This was the first nightmare he'd had in a long time, he thought that he had stopped blaming himself a long time ago for what had happened, guess he was wrong, now it was time for another trip to the therapist!
Colt wasn't gonna like this, him taking more time out of training! Of course Colt knew Tommy had went through a lot of shit both at war and at home, he knew the therapy was a necessity, but the raw emotions that Tommy showed in his fights started to slowly disappear after he started those sessions, he was still an aggressive fighter, but he wasn't the same, he was releasing his anger in another form, not just with his fights and training.
"Hmm, Good!" His father grunted, he hadn't agreed with the therapy that had been offered to him when he returned from war, thought it was a pussy way out of dealing with your problems, but now looking back, he realized his mistake. If he had taken the offered help, would he have been a different man, husband and father? Would his boys have grown up with their loving parents together instead of separated? He had wound his mind around all of these thoughts when Brendan suggested the therapy for Tommy at first and threw himself into the battle to get his son help, not wanting him to end up like him. "You shouldn't go so long in between sessions, just when you start thinkin' you're ok, the memories will sneak up on you again and swallow you whole!"
Tommy looked at his father, knowing what he said was coming from experience. He nodded, "Yeah, I know Pop! I'm ok now, come on let's get goin', don't want to miss tha party!" He plastered a grin across his face, hoping that it convinced his father he was ok, but guilt swirled once again in the pit of his stomach, he tried to push it aside until Monday. He willed himself to stay awake for the remainder of the drive, talking about the upcoming UFC fights and other mindless small talk he and his father could come up with to keep his mind focused on the present.
About an hour later they pulled into Brendan's driveway. They were greeted by the two young girls, who burst through the front door before Paddy even got the key out of the ignition.
"Grandpa! Uncle Tommy!" They shouted as they latched onto the legs of either man. Tommy lifted little Rosie onto his shoulders after giving her a hug and a kiss on the top of her dark curly head.
"And how are my two favorite girls doin'?" Paddy asked as they walked up the path to the house. The girls talked up a whirlwind about school and their Christmas dance recitals and everything else that had happened since they had last saw each other. The men laughed at their chatter and both promised to come and spend the holidays with them so they could watch them dance to the Nutcracker the day before Christmas Eve.
"Tommy! Pop! You made it!" Tess greeted as they entered the house. "It's good to see you guys!" She gave them both a hug, stepping back to have a look at Tommy's sleeker frame! "Looks like Colt's been workin' you a bit hard, eh?"
"Yeah, he talked me into droppin' a weight class a few months back." Tommy replied setting Rosie down onto the couch to watch television with her sister.
"Mom, Uncle Tommy and Grandpa are spending Christmas with us, right?" She looked at the two men then to her mother.
"Really? Well, that will be lovely, the whole family together for the holidays!" She smiled. "Brendan will be so happy!"
"Speakin' of, where is the old bastard anyways?" Tommy laughed, then quickly apologized to his nieces for his language.
"He's down in the basement, he's setting up some kind of home gym down there!" She rolled her eyes and laughed. "The garage is getting too cold to work out in apparently, so he's converting some space down there to use."
"Well, let's go take a look!" Paddy replied, heading for the basement door. "Brendan! How're ya?"
Tommy followed, the thought of working out intrigued him now, it was the only thing that really took his mind off of his, well, mind!
"Pop! Tommy! Hey, I'm glad you guys could make it!" Brendan replied, wiping the sweat from his face with a towel. He had started building walls for his workout room and was just putting up the last of the drywall.
"Happy birthday my boy!" Paddy replied, giving his eldest a hug.
"What, you ain't got enough money to hire somebody to do this for ya?" Tommy joked as Brendan pulled him into a hug that quickly turned into a headlock.
"Tap!" Brendan laughed, holding his brother tight.
"Hell no!" Tommy grunted.
"Ok, don't kill each other in the first hour, alright?" Paddy replied, swatting at his boys with his trademark salt and pepper hat.
"Nah, I prefer to do it myself! Old habits die hard, right?" Brendan replied as he let his brother go. "What happened to you? I could barely get my arms around you six months ago, now it's like huggin' Tess!"
Tommy gave his brother a stern look then proceeded to tell him about his decision to move down to middleweight. Then they once again fell into talking about upcoming fights and about the last UFC that had aired.
By now, they were sitting at the kitchen table, Brendan with Rosie perched on his knee and Tommy with Emily on his, drinking coffee while they waited for Tess to finish making lunch. All three men had offered to help, but got quickly shooed away from the stove. "You guys go catch up!" She had smiled at them.
She took a moment away from her cooking to grab her cell, the men where in deep conversation with the girls about some piano recital their dolls where having the next morning, it was a Kodak moment that she couldn't resist capturing.
"So, Tommy, have you found yourself a girl yet?" She asked, giving him a sly smile.
"Boyd don't give him enough time to find one!" Paddy replied, "Their nothin' but a distraction anyways!" He grinned evilly at her.
"One of these days Paddy Conlon, one of these days!" She replied with an angry tone that cracked with laughter, as she shook her fist at him.
"Pops is right, Colt's been workin' me pretty hard, between training and the other stuff he gets me to do 'round the gym, I don't got time fer nothin' else. Besides, there ain't much around the Burgh only ones ya gotta buy!" He grinned.
Emily turned to look at him, eyes as big as dinner plates, "You have to buy a girlfriend in Pittsburgh?" She was awestruck, "Well, you should move down here with us, daddy's friends don't have to pay for their girlfriends!"
They all looked at her, then to Brendan and Tess, bursting out in laughter at the little 9 year old. The men where almost in tears.
"Well, it's true, right daddy? And besides, you'd be closer to us then!" She smiled sweetly at her Uncle
"Well, we'll see, ok honey?" Tommy replied, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, still chuckling at her earlier comment. She seemed pleased with that, grabbing her little sister's hand and leading her back into the living room where the music of My Little Pony was spilling from the TV.
"God, you don't know what's gonna come out of her mouth!" Brendan replied shaking his head.
The fell back into mindless drabble as they ate lunch, Tommy's guilt still consuming him, he felt like the walls were closing in on him. He had to get out of the house for a bit, he decided a run might do it!
"He still seein' his therapist?" Brendan asked his father when the front door closed behind Tommy. "He seems distant."
"I know, he said it's been over a month, but something happened on the way here, he had a memory or somethin', he wouldn't tell me about it, said he was just tired, but he agreed to see Donovan when we get back on Monday!"
"Good!" Brendan replied, "I worry 'bout him, ya know, I don't want to see him turn back into that cold hearted person he was a few years ago!"
Paddy grunted his agreement and sighed.
"I think if he had a girl, it might help take his mind off of things!" Tess replied, trying to conceal the grin spreading across her face.
"Now Tess, don't go trying to play matchmaker!" Brendan warned, "Like Pop said, you women are nothing but a distraction!" This earned him a swat on the back of the head.
"I just think it would do him good, to have someone other than us and Donovan to talk to and experience new things with! And besides, I might just have the perfect person in mind for him!"
Brendan gave his wife an exasperated look, "And who might that be?" He cocked his eyebrow at her.
"Miss Phillips, the girls dance teacher!"
Brendan thought it over for a minute, "Ya, she's nice, pretty, but I dunno if she's Tommy's type!"
"Well, we will see! The next time he comes for a visit, I'll introduce them!" She replied, confident that her plan would work.
Tommy jogged around the block a few times, his mind wandering, this time it stopped on the memory of when Emily transferred from his unit. She had said that it didn't look good for them to be a couple and in the same platoon, favoritism was how she put it. Besides, she was getting more interested in becoming a translator, with her fluent Russian, Oromo and French. Reluctantly he had agreed, he found it very hard at first not having her around, but he knew now, that she was a little safer working from camp then being in the field with him.
She was in Kabul when Manny died just outside of Kandahar. She had hurried back as soon as she heard, but Tommy was already accompanying Manny's body back to the States. She wanted to be with him when he told Pilar, to help him and her get through this time, but he hadn't responded to her calls, texts or emails. He was a mess, emotionally, physically, he didn't want to drag her down with him!
He wasn't back in Kandahar a week before he decided enough was enough, he had to get out of there! He had avoided the office, he was ashamed of himself, for letting Manny die, for letting Manny's family down, for letting her down! He was a shell of a man, and she deserved much better than that!
It was dark, Tommy was on patrol near the Mirwais Nikka Hospital when he made a break for it. He was only a few miles from the outskirts of the city, he was certain he could make it, and his unit, they had no idea he was gone! He tried to avoid the main streets and the heavily guarded areas on his way. He had no clue how he was going to get through the desert to the next town, he didn't care, he just had to get out of there!
He couldn't remember how many days he had been running when he came across a tank, blown upside down in a river. There where people screaming for help and that there was still someone inside the tank. Tommy's instincts kicked in, he jumped into the water and pried the back door to the tank off with a rush of adrenaline and pulled the Private out. Reality hit him hard then, he had to get the fuck away from there as fast as he could before he was detained and questioned before being thrown into the military jail for deserting.
He knew that before he could safely get out of the country, he had to find someone who could help him erase his past life, he had to start over with a clean slate. That someone came to him one night as he roamed the streets of some village not far from the boarder. With whatever money he had left he bought himself that new life, new passport, new name, he was no longer Staff Sargent Tommy Conlon, he was now Tommy Riordon, civilian!
He caught a redeye flight back State side as soon as he had those new papers in his hand. He didn't really know where he was going to go, the cancer had taken his mom in Tuscan, he couldn't think about looking for Brendan and he really didn't want to go back with his Pops either, so he decided to pay Pilar and the kids a visit first. She had talked him into going back to his family, to try and work things out, even though that was the last thing he wanted to do!
When he turned back onto Brendan's street, he could see his brother sitting on the front steps waiting for him. "It's pretty chilly out for a jog, ain't it?"
Tommy shrugged, "Nah, it's just the right temperature!" He replied as he took a seat beside his brother.
"So, how've ya been doin'?" Brendan asked, staring out into the street. "You seem a bit distant."
He rolled his eyes and sighed, "Look Bren, I'm fine. I've been workin' and trainin' a lot lately, I'm exhausted s'all!"
"O.K, but I want you to know I'm here for ya if ya need me!" Brendan replied, still staring out into the street.
"I know Bren, thanks!" He clapped his brother on the shoulder as they stood to go back inside, "Well, let's get back to the party you old fart!" He gave his brother his crooked grin as they walked back into the house.
A few of Brendan's and Tess' friends began arriving just as Tommy went to grab a shower. He let the hot water run over his body, trying to keep his mind blank, he didn't want to fall back into a mindless zombie stuck in the past and have his family worrying about him on Brendan's birthday. He toweled off and got dressed quickly and headed back downstairs. He greeted everyone with a hand shake and a smile, but stuck close to Pops. Tommy had always been a bit shy and found it hard to make friends.
Paddy made sure to keep a close eye on Tommy's alcohol intake, Colt had stressed little to no alcohol while in training, but Tommy wasn't a big drinker anymore, not since he came back from Afghanistan and started training again. He sat quietly at the kitchenette with Paddy, briefly chatting with the guests as they inquired about his future in the MMA.
Rosie and Emily raced into the kitchen followed quickly by their mother, "Uncle Tommy, its cake time!" Emily replied excitedly as Tess took the large cake from the refrigerator.
"Well, that sure looks good!" Paddy replied.
"We helped Mommy make it for Daddy!" Rosie smiled.
"Really, does that mean I get a one of a kind Emily and Rosie cake for my birthday too?" Tommy asked with his crooked grin.
The girls looked at each other wide-eyed, "Can we Mommy?" They asked in unison.
"Well, I can't see why not!" Tess smiled, "I just don't know how it would hold up over the five hour drive to Pittsburgh though!"
"We could make it at Grandpa's house then!" Emily replied, determined.
"We'll see!" Tess replied lighting the candles. "Come on then, Daddy's waiting!"
They all entered the living room singing the Happy Birthday song, the girls jumped into their fathers lap to help blow out all of his candles.
"So, Daddy, what did you wish for?" Rosie asked.
"Oh, I can't tell, because it won't come true!" Brendan smiled.
The weekend went by quickly and before they realized it, it was Sunday evening and they were packing up the car to head back to Pittsburgh.
"Bye Grandpa, bye Uncle Tommy! Don't forget, you're coming back for Christmas, right?" Emily replied as they stepped out onto the driveway.
Tommy looked to his father, then to Brendan who had an expectant smile on his face, "Yeah, sweetheart, we'll be back for Christmas!" He smiled.
"Now, don't forget, if you need anything, give us a call, I mean it!" Brendan replied as he gave his little brother a hug goodbye.
"Thanks Bren!" Tommy replied, "See you guys in a few months!" He waved at the little family as he got into the car.
Pops and Brendan exchanged a few hushed words before they hugged and said their good byes. Tommy knew it was something to do with him, he wished that they would stop worrying so much about him, he was fine!
The drive back was a little longer than they had expected, it had snowed heavily the night before and the roads where slick with ice. Tommy had offered to drive but Paddy had refused, telling him to get some rest, which he did, he was thoroughly exhausted from the weekend and life in general. He thought about taking the entire day off tomorrow, rest up a bit then go see Donovan in the afternoon.
When they got home, Tommy gave Colt a quick call to let him know his plans for Monday.
"Do what you've got to do brother, but you need to get all the training in that you can! I got you signed on for Rage in the Cage in February!" Colt replied, a little stressed. He had pulled some tight strings to get Tommy into this event and he sure as hell didn't want him to lose!
"Yeah, I know, thanks man, I appreciate it! I've…, there's…, I've been having nightmares again, and I really think I need to start seeing Donovan again. I'll try to keep our sessions outside of training hours, K?"
"Ok, buddy, I know you need these therapy sessions, I can't imagine what you went through over there. But I'm glad to hear that it's helpin' ya out! Well, I guess I'll see ya bright and early Tuesday mornin'?"
"Yeah, I'll be there with bells on!" Tommy laughed as he hung up the phone.
"Do you need me to come with you tomorrow?" Paddy asked as Tommy entered the kitchen, poking his head into the refrigerator.
"Nah, Pops its ok, thanks though!"
"Do ya need a ride?"
Tommy thought for a second, he was gonna just catch the subway uptown, "Yeah, sure Pop!"
Paddy smiled, they had come such a long ways since his sons return, a simple question like that would have sent Tommy into a rage over two years ago, but their relationship was mended as well as it could be. He was still visiting AA, determined that he was going to reach another 1000 days sober, and he was doing a good job at it too. Tommy and Brendan could see the yearn in their fathers eyes dwindle every time he saw a liquor store, he was happy now, he didn't need that crap to make life easier anymore.
Tommy awoke the next morning around 9 o'clock, he could hear his father shuffling around downstairs, probably making breakfast. Quickly he jumped in the shower and got ready for the day. His sleep had been heavy with no dreams or memories, he'd thank god when he awoke that he wasn't drenched in sweat with his heart beating a mile a minute against his chest.
"Mornin' Pops!" Tommy greeted as he came down the stairs.
"Mornin' Tommy my boy! Are you hungry? I made breakfast!" Paddy beamed, standing in front of the stove with a spatula in one hand and a frying pan in the other.
"Starving!" He replied sitting at the table.
"So what time are you going to see Donovan?" He asked as he spooned some scrambled eggs onto his plate.
"'Round 1 o'clock."
Tommy entered the high-rise building that housed his therapist's office shortly before 1 o'clock. He kind of dreaded coming here, but when he left, he felt like a small bit of weight was lifted off of his shoulders. He hated having to relive his dreams, the memories he'd rather forget.
"Good afternoon Tommy, it's been a while!" Donovan replied as Tommy took a seat in the office.
"Yeah, I guess a bit too long!" Tommy replied.
"The dreams started again?"
"Yeah, I've been findin' it real hard to sleep and concentrate lately, the memories come back at random times and it's hard to bring myself back to reality, it's like I get stuck in them or somethin', it's weird!"
"Well, start by telling me what they are about!" Donovan replied, pulling a note pad out of his desk.
Tommy started with the same dream of Manny's death, then he went into the memories he had of Emily. He hadn't ever mentioned her before, not to Donovan, not to Brendan or their father and he didn't know why he hadn't!
This came as a surprise to his therapist, but he didn't interrupt, he let Tommy tell his story before he said anything.
"So, how come I've never heard of this Emily before?"
"I dunno, I hadn't had any dreams or memories of her until a few weeks ago, and since that first one, it's like everywhere I turn, there she is! But it's not really her, I see her in every woman that passes! Shit, I dunno, I think I'm goin' crazy!"
"Do you think it's because you're feeling the guilt of leaving her the way you did, that your subconscious wants you to make peace with her like you have with your family?"
"Yeah, I want to do that, but it's been so long since I last saw her, I dunno doc if I can do it, I mean look her in the face after all this time and beg for her forgiveness!" Tommy shook his head, he wanted nothing more than to see her face again, but he was afraid of her reaction, would she be happy to see him? Of course not, he'd hurt her way too much, she probably still hated him! "Besides, I wouldn't even know where to look for her, I don't have any contacts left in the Corps, I left them all behind when I finished my punishment tour after Sparta!"
"Well, I will see what I can do to help you there!"
"Thanks doc!" Tommy was nervous now, he knew that if his doc could find her, he'd have no choice but to confront the biggest fear he had left now!