Identity
Hi everyone !
Soooo… I'm pretty nervous about this. It's like the first time ever I write something directly in English. Usually I just translate my own stories. Yeah, whatever. I'm French and my english level is far from perfect. Besides, I'm too lazy and somewhat proud to find myself a beta reader. So please, please, excuse the poor grammar and vocabulary and the numerous mistakes (I guess). I hope it's still readable.
About the story, you could call it « Kanda's cathartic journey » or how he finally get grateful for being alive. I've had this idea for quite a time now and I truly like it. I hope you will too !
Pairings : None, except for 'sSoul and very light LaviYuu maybe. Mostly AlmaYuu and LaviYuu strong friendship though.
Disclaimer : I obviously don't own -man. If I did, all the Exorcist and friends would be dead and rotting (except for Lavi, Kanda, Miranda, Marie and Reever, maybe) and Noahs would rule the world (and Road be the Queen).
Well, enjoy !
oOo
« So is it goodbye?
Is it time to set you free?
Is it time to let it fly?
Is it time to let it bleed? »
Eskobar (feat Heather Nova), Someone New
So here he was, at the end of everything.
But maybe he should have started with some sort of beginning. Even if he didn't know which of his two beginnings should be chosen for a day like this. First, there was this awful beginning -but seriously the only one he could truly call his- when he heard that stupid voice in his head shrieking « C'mon, get the hell outta that freakin' water ! Y'need to breathe, you moron. Just breathe ! » and he did so while the only thing he wanted to do was to lean down and get back to sleep for something like eternity. From what he's been told, this could be considered as some kind of birth, metaphorically speaking. But he didn't fucking care about metaphors. Children were never to be born at the age of nine. He was a freak. Period.
The other potential beginning was one he didn't even remember. Memory loss from the whole ripping-a-soul-out-its-former-owner thing, he guessed. He couldn't be blamed for the trauma. Anyway, it was when that guy he knew nothing about first said hello to the world that the story really began. Once upon a time there was this little boy who was bound by fate to be one of God's slaves and die alone and never see the woman he loved again.
Oh yeah, you bet it's cruel but everyday of his pathetic life he wished so bad the story just ended up this way. Plain and simple. Nothing to whine about, please stop crying your heart out. You bastards make me sick. Life's never a fairytale. No happy ever after. Death has to be the end. No man had the right to screw with God's work and decide you've not suffered enough during your short journey on Earth. To go and create life where there was only nothingness. Happiness. Peace. Underwater peace. Just like being carried away by the flows to the deepest and darkest abysses. Though he knew this imagery could have been brought out by the fact that he had spent nine fucking years doing just that.
But then again, there was her. The girl who had no name. The girl who was only some vanishing face with a beautiful smile, sun-shining-through-your-ass kind of smile. The girl who was waiting for that guy to come back home and will wait forever, or so he thought. She was the fading drawing his mind pictured when he was fighting Alma, the very reason why he kept on living and chose a memory over his only friend, showing to the world how fucked up he really was.
By coming here today, at least he realized this was just the biggest lie of all, some shitty excuse he made up to explain his will to live and move on. And here was the dreadful truth : he didn't want to die at all. Despite his freakness, at that very moment he was just some ten-year-old boy scared of death and what it could mean. Like every single child he needed to believe that things would get better if he tried hard enough. He loved Alma more than anything and had not loved anybody the way he did ever since but still, he couldn't give it all away to some childish tantrum. For a long time, he told himself he should have seen this coming but how could he? Alma used to be free-minded, always happy about everything. His spirit was never focused on the fact that they were prisoners but rather on how he could possibly get them out of there. He used to be quite the opposite, trapped in his own mind, torn between his desire to escape and his irrational fear of the outside. There was no way they could have understood each other in the first place, they were too different. And it had nothing to do with the love they unmistakably shared. Love's not always the answer, he sure had learned this lesson the hard way.
For many years, he had acted like a perfect jerk, pretending not to care so he won't have to face this kind of dilemma ever again. He shaped this half-ice-queen-half-drama-queen character to chase them all away, the ones who didn't give a shit about him and most of all the ones who seriously thought they could figure out the pain. Going like « If you wanna talk, you can come and see me anytime », « I know what you're going through » and stuff. Geez, who exactly do you think you are? Cut the crap already. No one, never, can know. It hurts like hell, so please just leave me alone.
Yet deep, deep inside he was craving for someone who would see through this little game of his. He felt sad and lonely but, hey, this was the cross he had chosen to bear until he find her. Even one single exception to the rule was unacceptable, he was far too soft and weak. Only one exception and the whole thing would shatter. You just had to watch how he behaved near that Lenalee girl.
The first time he saw Lavi, he understood right away this bastard would be a pain in his ass and time proved him right. That infuriating rabbit began stalking him all over the place, popping up out of every shadow, having some sick hair-fetish, calling him stupid nicknames and driving him nuts.
Sometimes he really wanted to close his arms around him and hold him tight and cry. Sometimes he hated him for making them become friends in their own insane way. Though he knew Lavi was the worst choice of all. Though he knew Lavi would leave eventually. It felt like he was moving backwards, straight back to the point he had tried so hard to avoid. I keep pushing you away but I'll let you stand by my side anyway. I trust you. I need you. Please don't break my heart. I can't take any more pain. I'll kill you if you try and run away.
And then the beansprout knew and Alma came back to life and all the shit came down on them like vultures on rotting flesh. These Noah assholes sure had a thing for raping people. Raping their bodies, raping their minds, raping his fucking memories. He felt dirty and overwhelmed by some sort of dejection feeling. How were they supposed to win when their enemies could see all the weaknesses, all the cracks on their masks that easily? When Alma turned into an Akuma, he nearly lost it, nearly burst into tears. Yet nothing showed on his dead features. Been there, done that. All he had to do was playing this scene all over again and end it properly this time.
« You're pretty cool now, Yuu. What's your life been like? What'd feel like to be the only one to survive? Do you have… friends? »
Yeah, I do. How foolish of me right? I should know better by now. But it's not my fault, I tried my best, I swear. Please forgive me. I'm sorry Alma. I'm so sorry. Had his brain not black out, that's the answer he probably would have given.
He failed. This wasn't the final battle after all. That day brought nothing but more corpses to burn. Lenalee herself was badly wounded and stayed on the verge of death for several days. Hope had left their hearts, no one believed in victory anymore. They were all waiting for the Earl to come and tear their willing bodies to shreds. It was all okay though, because Lavi stayed and one day, as they came across each other in some dark hallway, the rabbit bastard welcomed him with open arms and he gladly melted into his embrace. They held each other with smothering strength, being all sobs and moans and laboured breathes, seeking solace. And he, Kanda Yuu, found himself being the one to say « I'm here for you. » for the very first and last time.
He started to hang around a lot more with Lavi after that but he couldn't just erase the girl and the flowers from his mind. They were still there, lingering and then he came up with this crazy idea. He went to Tiedoll's room, stole some charcoal and drew. The flowers from his memory, he drew them over and over and didn't stop until he was fully satisfied. Then he run to Lavi's room and showed him because if this living encyclopedia didn't know, nobody would . He told him everything, from the beginning and the redhead seemed genuinely surprised, not to mention horrified. Well, at least he had to concede that the beansprout could hold his tongue when he wanted to - especially when Kanda threatened him to shove Mugen down his throat till it comes out of his ass if he heard a single word about what happened leave this filthy mouth of his.
The talking part was hard and painful yet also so much of a relief and Lavi not babbling crap for once had really been helping. The other boy just stared, sometimes nodding gently, sometimes reaching out to hold his hand and support him through the worst parts of the story.
« Well…uh… this sure is kinda… unexpected. Y'know, I don't want to sound cheesy and all but if you need anything, I mean if there's anything I can do, just let me know, okay? »
So he handed him the drawing with some pleading look he was somewhat ashamed of and Lavi did just as expected. Like some kind of robot, he spit out the flower's scientific name -said name Kanda totally forgot about right after it slipped past Lavi's lips, its properties and more important its current locations around the globe. Basing on the girl's hair color and complexion, her clothes and the fact there also were lotuses nearby, the readhead came up with only one potential place : Missouri, United States, surprisingly close from the former Northern American Headquarters.
From then on, he had to play it smart. Lavi, in his dumb way of his, suggested they should elope. Sadly, he almost laughed at that.
Eventually, he joined the next searching expedition who was heading to America -in other words the « let's go and remove the remaining dead bodies from the HQ » pilgrimage. No one questioned his motives : they must have thought he too had been moved by the latest events. He ditched them without an ounce of remorse during the first night.
He did knew he didn't have a lot of time and that his little escapade could be mistaken for desertion. So he ran, he ran for days, ran for dear life. And if he was never one to believe in destiny, he realized later the fact that him collapsing near this lake wasn't only due to random luck. Nor the fact that it was this particular girl who found him and took care of his exhausted body. Nor the fact that when he finally opened his eyes, it happened to be that face who was smiling down at him.
« I found you, » he whispered after a while, tears silently rolling down his cheeks.
« Look, pretty boy, I don't know who exactly you think I am, but let me stop you right here. I only asked my husband to bring you home because I didn't want you to die that way. He'll be back in a minute now and you don't want to piss him off, trust me. Please go. »
Something was wrong. The whole scheme didn't seem to fit in. And then it stroke him with full force : time had passed since the last time they « met » and she hadn't change a bit. She had the same face and the same smile. No wrinkles, no glimpses of white in her sunny locks. Something was totally wrong.
« Wait ! My name is Kanda Yuu and I'm a Exorcist, from the Vatican, you know. Letting me stay here will cause you no trouble, I promise. »
« Exorcist? »
« Have you met any of us before? »
« Nope but I heard of you guys somehow. »
« Who told you about us? »
« Neh, nevermind. It's just one creepy old story. »
« Just… tell me about it. Please. »
« Well, mom told me once this weird thing about my granny. A few years before she met grandpa, she sorta fell in love with some guy and… I'm pretty sure she said that guy was a Exorcist. »
« And then? »
« Che, then it went as almost all real life stories usually go. One day he left and never came back and grandma waited for him alongside the main road until she eventually lose hope and move on with her life. »
« Where can I find your grandmother? »
« Sweetheart, this tragic love affair happened fifty years ago. I don't even know why you came here in the first place but it's far too late. God bless her soul, she's dead now. I'm truly sorry. »
She was dead. Yeah, of course she was dead. Deep inside, he had known it all along. There was no other way this could possibly end. Just as always, he'd been watching powerless his hopes rising and then getting smashed on the hard ground. Maybe there was some twisted curse involved here, maybe bad karma - and that's just not funny, dude.
What did he expect anyway? Even if he had actually found the girl, what came next? Something like « Hi, sorry to bother you, miss. Well, I know it might sound crazy but I'm the reincarnation of your lost love. May I borrow one minute of your time so we can talk about it and get things straight? And then maybe we could start over and finally have our happily ever after. »?
Yeah, she totally would have bought that bunch of crap. Just before she starts freaking out and tells him quite politely to get the fuck away from her house. So maybe her being dead was a good thing in the end. A least it spared him the bitter taste of public humiliation.
So he was, at the end of everything.
The cemetery was a lovely and quiet place, located upon a hill just above the village. The girl had reluctantly led him here after he insisted on paying his respects to that well-known stranger. She was gone now and before leaving she told him, staring down in uneasiness, not to come back.
He was standing before the grave, unsure about looking down at it or up at he sky. She could be anywhere right now and nowhere at the same time.
I sure know what I should say, he thought, sighing. Something along these lines « Hi there pretty face, it's been a while. See ? I promised you I would come back and guess what? Here I am, right in front of you. You're angry, love, aren't you? You shouldn't be. I'll make it up to you. Baby, trust me, I won't leave this time. You can have me forever. That's my final vow and I won't break it this time. » Though it sounds pretty weird, even in my own head. Whoever you are, y'know what I mean, right ? I truly thought I could be that man but I'm not. I ain't your man, lady, and I don't love you that way either. I love you like a symbol. Symbol of freedom, symbol of life. Whatever. You were the flickering light who kept me from dying, who made me move forward when I was about to give up. So thank you, thank you for everything. And that's all I'll say. Cause we both know I could apologize for a lifetime and it wouldn't be enough. My constant whining would be lost in the wind. What's the fucking point? Geez, I've done nothing I should apologize for. I'm not guilty of anything. I did not promise you anything. It wasn't me. It wasn't me.
And then he closed his eyes and wondered who me really was. He was never meant to become someone in the first place but he soon realized he sure had his own set of memories, some of them good, most of them very, very bad. They came flowing through his mind, barely chaotic pieces of nothing and he saw Alma worried face looking down at him. He remembered the time when they laughed so hard he couldn't even breathe properly anymore, remembered Jerry's numerous attempts at getting him to eat anything but soba again sweetheart, remembered Lenalee's quiet and comforting presence, remembered the way the Beansprout used to wave his arms around like a crazy bitch while they were fighting, remembered Lavi's idiotic smile and the warm, funny feeling I got in my chest when he put his hands on mine.
There was blood, too. Lots and lots of blood splashing everywhere. Che, every fucker in the world had his skeletons in the closet. And that was just, he guessed, what was making him human.
So maybe he needed this encounter. Maybe facing death this way was all it took to understand he really didn't want to go there and didn't want to disappear, to be erased either. And he was going to fight with all he had this time, fight this damn destiny. Was not going to screw with what was remaining of his life. There were too many things yet to do, too many words left unsaid. If he was to die, then he would with no regrets.
He opened his eyes and let them wander to the glimmering lake below, then back to the silent grave. They were smiling along with his mouth.
« Thanks again, lady, » he said. « I'm not one to believe in heaven but I do hope he's up there with you. Sorry, but I've gotta go now, there's someone waiting for me back home. »
Then he turned around and walked away and didn't bother to look backwards.
~The End~
Well reviews are much appreciated !
*Runs away, hides and swears she will never write in English ever again* T_T