Just One Bite, England, a hetalia - axis powers fanfic

A/N: Okay, so here's my next Hetalia/Spongebob parody in the series: Just One Bite, England. In which, England is staying over in the US for a little while, working at the local fast food restaurant to get at least a little bit of money. Problem is that his ex-brother, America, works there as the fry cook and learns that the older country has never ATE a hamburger before! Gasp! So...you know where this is going...The American then becomes determined to get England to take JUST ONE BITE. When he actually does try a bite, what kind of chaos will unfold afterward?

America as Spongebob Squarepants, England as Squidward Tentacles, and France in his brief cameo as Patrick Star.

You may or may not need to actually watch the Spongebob ep to understand the story, just a tip.

Disclaimer: I'm only blending Hetalia and Spongebob together, so that must mean I am just a fan with a little too much of an imagination.

Just One Bite, England

Why you ask? Why was the personification of England currently in the United States working at a greasy fast food restaurant as a cashier? That answer is simple, my friends. Because he is desperate for a little bit of money and he wanted to visit America for a little while to...you know...just see him in person because it's been a little while since their last encounter.

And no, he was not just lonely!

At the current point in time, England wore this bored expression as he held onto a tray of some deep fried crap and shoved it at the customer that kind of looked like a surfer dude. "Here you are sir, a large hamburger, double-battered fried," he paused and reached for a random Popsicle stick in his pocket, thrusting it into the pile of a deep fried hamburger. Seriously, who the hell deep fries a HAMBURGER? "On a stick."

"Thanks, dude!" The surfer guy flashed him a toothy grin and happily turned to walk back to his table with the fried crap he had ordered.

"...Dumbarse." England murmured while shaking his head. He just...he just could not wrap his head around how these people actually ate that stuff. He's been told right to his face several times in past events that his food sucked, but this stuff was just in a league all it's own, which was not a good thing.

However, the surfer guy had vaguely heard what the irritated Englishman had said and retraced his steps back to the cash register. He gave him this confused look as he held onto his tray. "Pardon me?"

"I said that you forgot your mayonnaise." For emphasis on this to back him up, England reached across the counter and grabbed the very convenient bottle of mayonnaise, placing it softly on the tray next to the deep fried hamburger.

"Thanks!"

With an annoyed look in his green eyes, England watched the random surfer guy walk back over to his table and plop down, smiling as he grabbed the hamburger and took this large bite. '"Look at them eating that deep fried shit. It's just painful to watch." The surfer dude, still chewing on the large bite of the 'deep fried shit', opened his mouth real wide and squirted the mayonnaise into it sloppily. "Ick, they are just sickening. I hate hamburgers."

As fate would have it, a certain American laughing his almost trademark obnoxious laugh peeked through the window behind the cash register. "Haha, good one, England!"

"Good what?"

America grinned and leaned through the window, now pretty much standing on the grill. He reached forward and gave the annoyed nation a sharp, so-called 'friendly' punch to his shoulder. "Like you don't know! Saying," In the best British accent that he could possibly pull off, which still wasn't all that believable, America quoted: "I HATE HAMBURGERS. That's just hilarious! Everyone~ loves hamburgers!"

"Well, I'm the exception to that rule." England mentioned in something of a pouty way, turning to glare at the blinking American.

The two of them just stared at each over for a long amount of time. It was sort of awkward because one of them looked just plain aggravated beyond anyone's understanding, while the other was blinking and looking like a puzzled small child.

Finally, America chuckled. "You're good at that!" And at a blinding speed, he came out from around the kitchen, practically bursting through the door. He started cupping his hands to his mouth and proclaiming in a very loud voice: "HEY EVERYONE! England says that he doesn't like hamburgers! Ha!"

Despite America's proclamation not being the least bit funny in any shape or form, a lot of his population that were in the restaurant were quick to start laughing their asses off at the fact that England disliked hamburgers. And America laughed along with them and then disappeared back into the kitchen knowing that his work there was done.

Ignoring everyone's hysterical American laughter, England turned back to the window and looked through at his ex-brother grilling some meat happily. "Don't encourage them! They will never bloody leave!"

'I'm sorry, England. It's just so damn funny!" America sighed happily, getting a whiff of the cooking meat patties on the grill. "Hey, you know what we say here..."

"The only people that don't like hamburgers, have never TASTED one~!" A whole bunch of random American people sang in harmony with each other as they appeared in random spots in the kitchen and then disappeared just as soon as they arrived. America had just looked on happily, while England could only stare awkwardly at their performance that was almost...on a cue of some sort.

Well, England still was not convinced that hamburgers were any good. They were just so greasy and probably contained about five-thousand calories per bite. Roughly. He stared at America with this poker face going on and sighed. "Yes, that's me. I never had one, and I never will."

At that revelation, America's blue eyes snapped open in sheer horror and they widened exaggeratedly. Just as he was in the middle of flipping a meat patty, his hand jerked up in the air along with the spatula, and the patty shot up through the roof, leaving a small hole. "W-what?"

"What?"

"What did you just...say?"

England rolled his eyes at this useless back and forth, but answered, "I have never tried a hamburger, America."

"What does that mean...? I don't even..." America stammered, now sweating bullets and trying desperately to decode the hidden message between England's foreign words.

"I have never tried a hamburger and never will!"

In his haste, America pulled out this American Dictionary and started flipping through pages at a rapid speed. "Those words...! Is it even possible to use them in a sentence together like that in an aggravated manner...!"

"AMERICA! I HAVE NEVER EATEN A BLOODY HAMBURGER BEFORE AND NEVER WILL, DAMMIT!"

"YOU'VE NEVER EATEN A BURGER BEFORE?" America screamed in a state of hysteria as he tossed the dictionary behind his back to the floor. "WELL YOU HAVE TO EAT ONE RIGHT NOW!"

After putting all the works on a plain hamburger that had been sitting beside the grill, the personification of the US burst into the eating area of the fast food restaurant with a juicy and fresh hamburger. "It's no wonder you're always such a bitter tsundere all the time, England! Here, eat this entire burger and don't ask questions!"

The next thing that England knew, there was greasy and large burger thrust at his mouth. And there was a totally freaked out America standing very close to him, nearly leaning onto the counter, locking eyes with him in an oddly-serious manner.

Ew, it was such a disgusting sight. England didn't want to eat that that greasy trash that the other country called 'food'. So he just said nothing as he took a hand and swatted the offending burger out of his hands.

He had assumed that America would give up. But that was not the case, he just got even bolder and actually ran over to where the burger had fallen and scooped it up before running back over and holding it out to England. "England, you really will like it once you give it a taste!"

"You seriously want me to try that greasy shit?" England stubbornly crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "The next I know, you probably will want me to go ballroom dancing with France!"

America turned to look at France, whom had randomly materialized at his side wearing a very nice and expensive white tux and holding a beautiful red rose in his hand, he brought a hand to his mouth and whispered apologetically into the other nation's ear: "Sorry, France..." Now with a highly disappointed sigh, France sulked out of the restaurant. Strangely, England had been so aggravated with America's constant persuading of him to eat the hamburger that he hadn't even noticed the Frenchman had been there.

"Come on, England~ Just try a bite~"

"No."

"England!"

"No."

"Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty please~?"

"Saying that and staring at me with puppy dog eyes worked when you were younger, America. But now it's just uncalled for."

"So you're breaking down?"

"My decision is firm."

"How about just a little lick from the side?"

A vein popping onto his head now, England walked out from around the counter and grabbed America's shoulders, holding them firmly as he looked up into his eyes. "America, listen to me. If I was stranded on a bloody deserted island for centuries, with absolutely nothing to eat but that damned hamburger, I would eat my own legs first!" He scowled and backed away, turning to walk to another part of the restaurant where he could be free from all this aggravation. "And, perhaps my arms too."

"But it's good for you!" America insisted, running up to England and grabbing his shoulders and turning him around.

"What? Good for you?" England snapped, pulling away and angrily gesturing the the greasy patty that was obviously one of the most unhealthiest things he had never laid his eyes on. "That shit is a heart attack on a bun! It will only succeed in killing off your population and making your land fall and collapse!"

Maybe that was true. But America was not about to let him win this argument. He looked on worriedly and held out the patty while some religious instrumental music began to play in the background. "No, England. I meant that the hamburger is...good for your soul~!" All of a sudden, the background behind a now-chibi America turned pale blue with clouds behind it. A halo and angel wings appeared on him as he hold the patty, and the religious music grew more audible.

"Oh please!" England spat, folding his arms and grimacing at America. "I have no soul!" The background behind England suddenly turned into Hell, complete with authentic lava and fire and Satan laughing demonically in the background. Realizing this, England's eyes widened in fear and he lost all the color in his face as he walked away towards the restrooms.

Still not taking his firm no for an answer, America followed England into the restroom and kept asking him to take various sizes of bites from the burger. After this, once England opened a stall door; America smiled and walked out of the stall while holding out the patty.

And then a little bit later during something of a time skip: America had offered him the hamburger while England was washing dishes, counting change, and taking out the trash in the dumpster outside the building. He was shot down like every time. But this didn't keep him from suddenly appearing at the other nation's side after he had turned to go back into the building.

"It's delicious~" America said in this sing-song voice as he held out the burger that was, strangely, still just as fresh and warm as it was after being prepared a couple of hours ago.

But England's patience was wearing away and absolutely none was left behind. He decided that now was the time to really put his foot down. He took a deep breath, planted his feet to the ground, and looked up at the American right in the eye. "Listen, America, I cannot live like this! If you are just trying to turn the tables on me and force shitty food down my windpipe, I sure as hell am not going to let you go through with this! Now, how long are you prepared to keep this up?" He was answered with this sudden clicking sound. England blanched once again and looked down at his right hand.

To his confusion, he was now handcuffed to America. And seeing as though he was trapped, the other nation was quick to take advantage and once again held out the hamburger.

For a long period of time, they just stared at each other. And America finally decided to unlock the cuffs once England took his free hand and grabbed the burger grudgingly from him his hands.

Now, England stared at the burger with a look of hatred in his eyes. "America, when I die, don't show up at the funeral." He shuddered at the horrible, repulsive sight of the burger literally dripping with grease and fats. And his expression became one of fear when he looked at the smiling American for reassurance. "Do I really...?"

"Eeeeee~"

England hesitated for a moment, before fearfully closing his eyes and lowering the burger to his mouth. "That's it, England~ Almost there~"

Slowly, England took a a very small bite of the offending mess of grease. Causing America to start trembling with what could only be described as ecstasy. "Eeeeeee~ Come on, come on, come on~"

And at long last, England stopped chewing and hesitantly swallowed the bite of the hamburger. He was waiting, waiting for something terrible to happen to him. Like suddenly falling over in pain or his population back in the UK being struck with food poisoning. But he's eyes snapped open when he realized that he still felt perfectly fine. And there was this delicious, yet very greasy taste in his mouth. And it was...it was...it was actually good. And a genuine smile tugged at his lips.

And once seeing this smile, America naturally had to smile right back and literal hearts to appear in his eyes as this sight was way too adorable for him to ignore.

"This...this hamburger may be the most..." He was about to blurt out 'heavenly', but then England realized this and quickly bit his tongue and forced a look of absolute disgust on his face as he held out the burger. He couldn't let America know that he had died, went to Heaven, and was reborn when he took a bite of this...shit that he served here! "This burger is the most HORRID, BLOODY DISGUSTING shit that I've EVER eaten! Why would you poison me with this mess of grease? Are you TRYING to kill me?"

Just like that, the hearts in America's eyes exploded and he gaped at him. While America was frozen in this state of sheer terror and confusion, England grabbed this random piece of wood that may or may not have been there before and threw the burger on the ground, stomping it into the dirt and beaten the crap out of it with the plank until it was totally buried. And to top things off, he cursed at it and then grabbed a tiny and random tombstone and struck it into the earth as to mark it's death.

And once finished, England realized how badly he had overreacted and quickly popped up from the ground and composed himself self-consciously as America stood there almost biting his nails off. "Get it now, wanker?"

"But-but-but I just don't understand! The burger is an absolute good...nobody can be immune to it's charm!" America argued frantically, his mind was in a state of total chaos as he tried to wrap his head around why England could have reacted so badly to the food. Was his taste buds really screwed up that much after all this time of eating his 'cooking'?

"I'm the exception to that rule." England countered firmly.

"Are you sure...?"

"Does THIS look unsure to you...?" England had said this with this very morbid look on his face. As if something gravely serious had just happened and he was fallen into the pits of hopeless depression and fury.

America just stared with a disappointed expression. "No, that face never will be unsure."

"Good." England pointed a finger and, thankfully, his unsure expression melted into a blank one. "Now go back into the restaurant and spread the word. Or go back to grilling, or whatever the hell you were doing earlier before your constant attempts to get me to try that shit."

He didn't know why England completely dissed his food and even went as far as to bury it alive. And he was not sure whether to be offending or depressed, so America just sadly sulked back into the restaurant to grill some more patties and hopefully take his mind off of things.

The minute America entered through the back door, England's blank expression shattered and he gasped. Quickly, he turned and kicked away the tombstone and got down to his knees, digging frantically through the dirt to get the burger. And once getting his hands on it and pulling it out, tears of sheer sadness and joy started steaming down hot and salty from England's eyes.

"You're still alive~!" England proclaimed very dramatically. And promptly, he shoved the entire freaking burger in his mouth, dirt and all, and ate it. Savoring it's taste and crying even harder once it was swallowed. "What have I been doing with my life...! All these wasted years...! You're so delicious..." The very overly-dramatic Englishman released his emotions right then and there, the tears all just streaming out at long last. But they were not shed from just sadness because of his self-proclaimed 'wasted life', but because he was so grateful for America for coming up with this greasy shit that was so addicting and delicious and helping him regain his lost soul, take a brief trip to Heaven, and be reborn all over again.

Luckily, England collected his composure once again and got back to his feet, this crazed look in his eyes as he started rubbing his palms and sweating. "I have to have more...!" (That's what she said, England...*the author gets shot repeatedly*)

So he started running, running as if his life depended on it. There was this lustful look in his eyes now, he wanted another burger. And he would give in to his desires and eat another, the consequences did not matter at all. Once at the back door that led to the kitchen, England gasped and pressed himself against the wall, peeking in only to see America preparing more burgers. "BUT WAIT. After that exaggeration, the git would never let me this down! I would have to spend the rest of my life constantly being tormented emotionally!"

Now breathing deeply and pressing himself the wall, England slid down to the ground. "I have to sneak one...just ONE hamburger. And then, then I'm going to put a stop to this humiliating addiction!"

If only it was that easy to stop a humiliating addiction. England tried to remain positive about the whole situation, but it was very rough. He had just convinced America that he absolutely detested his food and even marked it's freaking grave of all things! There was no doubt in his mind that America would never let this go if he were to discover the truth! And worst of all: if England didn't destroy this addiction soon, he may return back the UK and fill the place with greasy fast food restaurants! He may be so influenced that he would do something that drastic, don't say it wasn't impossible.

So, now with the determination and lust for one last taste of a hamburger, England got up, tried to gather his dignity again, and went back around the building to enter through the front.

Back in the kitchen, America was just so flabbergasted (that's a fun word. *Shot once again*) by this entire situation. He was sure that he had seen England actually smile lovingly once he had taken his first bite if the burger, but then he just went batshit and cursed it's name before trampling it, stomping on it, and crushing it into it's own grave!

So big question is: what was England's true thoughts about the burger?

After all, America saw no reason why he should hate them. But then again, this was AMERICA we're talking about, so yes...

"Hmm." America flipped a patty with the spatula and sighed, so lost in his own thought that he had not even seen a flash of blond hair pop up at the window. "I didn't think it was possible, but I guess some other countries just can't appreciate burgers..."

England peeked up through the window, staring mindlessly at the grill. At least five patties were sizzling and America was just blabbering away to himself. "Uh...ahhh...America..."

"Yeah, England?"

"I...I...I need one triple-stacked hamburger..." The words came out shaky and strained, but at least America still seemed to understand them. Now, England licked his lips and continued on with the 'order'. "W-with extra of the original fixings all piled on...and-and burn it to a crisp!"

"Comin' right up!" England was now pretty much gnawing on his bottom lip and his eyes were wide as he stared down at the sizzling patties. He wasn't sure if he could contain himself anymore, and was near hysteria. "Hey listen, England, I'm sorry about earlier. I just wanted to make you happy for a change, 'cuz you always seem like you have a stick up your ass all the time..."

All of America's words were sounding like nonsensical 'blah blah blah' to England's deaf ears as he stared lustfully at the meat patties, they looked so alluring. Sizzling like crazy and taunting him. And the aroma...God, the aroma in the air...it was so taunting that he imagined some of the smoke being released had taken a humanoid form and was smiling suggestively as it soared up to England's nose and gave it a chaste kiss.

Then, sadly, the smoke in the humanoid form disappeared. England's eyes were beginning to prick with tears as he babbled, "Don't go just yet..."

"...But it is your life after all, and I guess that I can't determine what your effed up taste buds like and dislike. So I guess I'll just live with your decision." America finished as he placed the top bun on the burger. Realizing that he had finally prepared the damn thing, the Englishman broke out into a cold sweat as it was held up to his face, mystified.

Finally, he couldn't hold back any longer. England leaned forward through the window ready to take a bite...

Alas, America pulled the burger away back into his hands. And England lost his balance and fell backward with a sudden CRASH. "I can't wait to see the look on the customer's face when he/she takes their first bite!"

Once in the eating area, America waved the patty around and called out for the person that had ordered it. After about forty seconds, he gave up with a disappointed frown when he came to the conclusion that whoever had made the order was totally gone. "Huh, they must have left..."

"Well...ahhhh...maybe you should leave the hamburger out here, in the event they come back." Suggested England hopefully after getting back off the floor with this bump on his head.

"Haha! No can do!" England's hope was instantly murdered right there. "A burger this special deserves to be eaten fresh and...well...I haven't eaten one in about two hours so, why not?"

Realizing what unfortunate turn this was taking, England gasped and reached out, but it was too late. America had already stuffed the entire hamburger into his mouth and was eaten it happily. It felt like the world had just stopped right there, and everything had been thrown into an apocalyptic state. With tears overflowing in his eyes, England was forced to watch HIS burger get eaten.

"Ah, they don't know what they were missing!" America laughed and returned back into the kitchen, leaving England to lament in silent.

"What do I have to do? Eat one out of the GARBAGE?" England suggested to himself, now resting his head against the cash register. He had considered beating his head against it to release his aggravation and sadness, but decided against that once he realized there were other people watching.

And as if on cue, one random American with a bulging stomach walked up to the nearby wastebasket with a half-eaten burger in hand. "I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darned full..." He looked back and forth between the burger and the trash. And then shrugged his shoulders and tossed it away before leaving.

"I had to say garbage, didn't I? But! I do not care!" England made a mad dash for the wastebasket and stared happily at the half-eaten burger on top of the rest of the trash.

Usually, England liked to keep his dignity secured and in check. And he would never go as far as to break his composure and do something stupid or insane. But now, he did not care about that. He was so blinded by his inexplicable lust for the greasy burger that he was just gone. And so, he rolled up his sleeves and slammed his hands into the garbage, even lowering himself to the opening and chugging the apple of his eye into his mouth. And yes, that wording was very wrong in many ways.

Slowly, a wave of reality overcame England when he noticed that he didn't taste the burger at all. He looked down, only to be greeted by the sight of the half-eaten burger innocently sitting at the bottom of the empty wastebasket. And there was a lot of used napkins and other trash in his mouth. His eyes widened and he immediately spat it all out and once rinsing his mouth with random mouthwash, got up off his knees and held the sandwich in his hands.

"OH MY GOD!" England gasped and backed up when America suddenly materialized from absolutely nowhere and snatched the half-eaten burger away from him. "WHY THE HELL WAS THIS BURGER IN THE WASTEBASKET? THAT ISN'T THE PROPER WAY TO END THINGS!" He quickly took off running back into the kitchen, and England collected himself and followed afterward just to see what the heck the freaking out American was going to do to HIS hamburger.

But, oh well, at least America didn't notice that out of character moment he had endured just to get the burger that he desired so much. Should he have seen it, there would have been endless teasing.

Once back in the kitchen, America ran up to this very random campfire that had flames crackling and flickering. It wasn't logical how it had gotten there or why it was even there, but very sad and tragic music begun to play from nowhere as the American hesitantly tossed the burger into the fire, sobbing the entire time. And England was right by his side, a pained expression visible on his face as he inwardly lamented for the loss of his sandwich.

The two of them just watched with tears threatening to spill over in the both of their eyes as they watched the burger eventually burn to a dark crisp, add disintegrate. Leaving behind nothing but ash. Seeing that the funeral was all over now, America turned to England and wrapped a sympathetic arm around his shoulders tightly. "I know you didn't like him...but...I'm just so touched that you came..." And he couldn't anything else, for he was much too choked up at the moment. With a final sob, he brought his arm over his face to hide his tearing eyes and then exited the kitchen.

This left only England in there to watch the flickering flames of the campfire. He stood there, taking in all of what just happened little by little. And soon, his shift would be over and his chances of getting another hamburger was ruined. With a choked sob, England fell down to his knees, ignoring this déjà vu kind of feeling, and brought his hands to his eyes to catch his overflowing tears.

Still feeling utterly miserable, depressed, Forever Alone, empty, stripped of dignity, and lots of other negative descriptions, England sat on the couch in his hotel room dressed in nothing but his underwear and a robe, just overcome with so much emotions and privately crying his eyes out.

He hadn't felt this miserable and weakened since that one time...when America had declared himself an independent nation. He could remember that he had returned home afterward and cried his eyes out just like he was right now, but elaborating on this just made the poor Englishman sadder and so this train of thought was put to an alarming halt immediately.

It just was not fair, dammit! Why should he have to suffer like this? He already had a certain someone taken away from him, and now he had the remainder of this certain someone's presence taken away in almost a similar manner! All he wanted was the one last thing left of America, and that was his utterly delicious greasy shit that he was now addicted to. But how could he get it, when he failed to even take another bite of it?

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! England plastered on a scowl and got up from the couch, tying his robe and wiping the streaming tears from his eyes, he made his way across the room and answered the door.

And a ridiculously huge hamburger with all the usual fixings was standing there in the doorway. England's eyes just about bugged out as he saw this, but immediately gasped with joy and rushed forward, planting kisses on the top bun and squeezing it to death in a somewhat-romantic embrace.

Later during some timeskips: England and the ridiculously huge hamburger went on a very romantic dinner date, got married at a beautiful wedding with all of his population of people there including the royalty, somehow did it, had a child that was a freaking insane mutation of a human and hamburger, grew old together, and died later but were joined forever as they floated through Heaven for all of eternity.

"Mmmm...honey..." England sleepily mumbled as he stirred. His eyes cracked open and he noticed that he was lying in the bed of his hotel room and staring up at the high ceiling. Everything that had just been said was a very good, and weird, dream. He sighed in a depressed manner and rolled over onto his side, his hand just about clawing the pillow and blankets. "Oh...I have got to get my hands on a hamburger! And nobody will stop me!"

Promptly, England shot up and threw back the covers. Despite not being able to see in the thick darkness, he managed to get his eyes adjusted quickly. And he quickly gathered his clothes he had been wearing earlier that day at the restaurant, dressed, and practically sprinted out of the hotel room, down the halls, and down the bustling and loud streets that he would never get adjusted to.

Once at the restaurant, England knew that he didn't have to worry about trying to pick any locks for avoid security systems, not that he knew of anyway. His shift usually ended before the other employees' after all. He tapped the doors with a finger, and then grinned wickedly and pretty much kicked them open.

Once the doors were creaked open, he pulled them aside and entered the dark building. Chairs were stacked onto tables and absolutely no one was in there, save himself. Now he wouldn't have to try and explain anything awkward! Score! England begun to make his way towards the kitchen, but paused when he felt something wet soak into his shoes. He looked down at a fallen bucket of water that evidently had been positioned on the wall and meant to spill on intruders and allowed a smug smirk to tug at his lips.

"THIS is America's idea of a security system? A bucket of water?" England rolled his eyes and kicked the bucket aside before preparing to take another step. When he froze once again, getting a whiff of something that certainly wasn't water... "Wait a minute, that isn't water...it's...GASOLINE?" England's eyes immediately widened in horror at what was coming next. A random robotic arm appeared from offscreen and dropped a lit match to the gasoline and, well...

BOOM.

Gasping and panting at the same time, England ran for his life and pretty much broke down the door to the kitchen. He had black smoke and streaks of ash over his clothes and skin, but was okay other than that. However, he overlooked America's unusual intelligence once again and didn't notice a second bucket of gasoline over the door until it fell from him opening it. The scene repeated itself; with yet another robotic arm coming from offscreen and tossing another lit match to the puddle.

BOOM.

Once the smoke cleared away, England sat there on the floor weakly crawling away, now covered head to toe in black. He could feel himself beginning to go into a choking fit from the smell of the gasoline and the smoke, but all of his pain and suffering was forgotten when he looked up and saw this very large vault across the kitchen that he had never payed attention to before until this very moment. It had the words "BURGER VAULT" in large print on the front. Perfect.

His eyes now sparkling, England got up off the floor, wiped off the black remains of the explosion, and walked over to the vault and gave the handle a couple of tough twists until it opened. It was dark in there at first, but then the lights flickered on, and by the look on his face, you may think that he had just jizzed in his pants at the marvelous sight before him.

"HOLY SHIT...!" Yes, there was a reason to react so shell-shocked. There were hundreds, thousands, no MILLIONS of freshly-prepared burgers inside of the large vault, enough to possibly feed the entire population of every state in America. "I...I don't know where to even start..."

England turned to the left at a random burger sitting atop all of the others, it looked especially appealing to the fact it was still steaming hot. He smiled warmly and leaned over and held it in his arms, every single freaking bit of his sanity now officially lost. "All that matters now is that it is just you, and me, and absolutely no one else in the world to interrupt our time together, love."

"England...what are you doing here?" A glass-shattering sound effect was randomly heard as England's eyes snapped open and the color in his face drained away. He had the perfect: "I'm so fucking screwed...!" kind of expression on his face as he slowly turned to see America stepping inside the kitchen.

Well, this was it. He could either make it or break it here. If he didn't play his cards right, America would have to finally come to the conclusion that he now had an addiction far worse than his own to the greasy shit that started all of this nonsense! Swallowing, England quickly hit the burger behind his back and met the American's curious gaze. This was bad. He could even feel his cheeks begin to warm and turn red quickly. "Ahhh...uh...America...I...know this may seem odd, but just let me explain it – and what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I always come down here at three in the morning to count the sesame seeds when I can't sleep." America replied casually as if the aforementioned action was totally normal. He then realized that England was now blushing furiously and breaking out into a sweat as he attempted to hide the burger in vain. "So why is the vault open? And why do you have a burger behind your back?"

"America...this isn't...just let me explain...do not jump to conclusions...uh..." Not good, not good, not good! He was now so nervous that his voice was beginning to crack! And realizing this only added fuel to America's oblivious curiosity over the whole situation.

"And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And why do you look like you may have just had an orgasm previously over something totally bizarre? And why are you-" America stopped himself midway into the interrogation and his eyes widened in the final realization when all of the puzzle came together perfectly. No words had to be said to kill the moment, so America just grinned knowingly and folded his arms over his chest as he eyed the freaking out nation in front of him.

"No, no, no! You have it all wrong!" England insisted frantically. America made no response, he just continued to grin in triumph. "It is not what it seems! Stop bloody grinning like that! You better wipe that grin off your face this instant before I punch it off for you, you arsehole!"

"You like hamburgers, don't you England~?" America sang, the twisted grin never once leaving his features.

Finally, England could not take it anymore. Right then and there, he turned and dived into the vault, slamming the door closed very loudly behind him. It made America's grin break and shatter as he jumped several inches into the air from it.

"YES! YES! I ADMIT IT, AMERICA! I BLOODY LOVE HAMBURGERS!" Echoed from the vault, and promptly, England could be heard once again laughing manically and stuffing his face with several hamburgers.

"I knew it all along, England! Nobody can resist a hamburger; that's why I'm thinking about convincing other countries to build some McDonalds in their main cities..." But America's "blah blah blah-ing" was unheard by England as he was now forever lost in the promised land and scarfing down burgers in the most undignified and out of charater-ish ways imaginable.

Thus continued for a long time. Oh, say about ten minutes at the most. And after checking the time with his phone, America quickly realized what was happening and he ran over to the door and started banging loudly on it. "England! England, how many of those burgers are you eating?"

"HAHAHAHA!"

America was now in hysterics as he banged and pounding the crap out of the unwavering vault door, shouting desperately for England to stop eating so many burgers because he was honestly worried about his condition. "ENGLAND! It DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER YOU LIKE BURGERS OR NOT, YOU CAN'T EAT SO MANY AT ONE TIME! ENGLAAAAAAND...!"

From the inside the vault, England paused in the middle of standing in the cleared floors the vault about to sink his teeth into another hamburger. He had actually been interested and somewhat flattered by America's concern. But he just snorted and turned to look at the door with a smug smirk tugging at his lips. "Oh, what will possibly happen to me? Am I going to blow up?"

"No! It's worse! It'll go right to your thighs..."

Reality hit England like a train wreck at that moment. Of course, he had forgotten that those hamburgers were so fatty and unhealthy that they were the main reason why America and the rest of his fatass population were all going to have heart attacks before they even knew it. He glanced down at his very large thighs and body and blanched. "My...thighs...?"

"I'll call an ambulance before the explosion!"

"Please...hurry."

So that was how England found himself sitting in the back of a bumpy ambulance with a nostalgic paramedic and a very pale and worried America. He was just looked utterly ashamed at himself as he sat there on the bed and rested his hands on his now-extremely-fat thighs and avoided eye contact with the two of them at all. They were now all on their way to the hospital, probably to perform some intense surgery on the old chap to get himself back to his original tight and sexy body once again.

Finally, America gathered the courage to laugh nervously and meet the eyes of the dreamily smiling paramedic. "Well, at least this story is ending nicely..."

"Yea, I remember my first hamburger..." The nostalgic American paramedic responded, mostly to himself as he sighed oddly happily. And it was obvious that he was about to go into a story to kill the time before they get to the emergency room.

Just as America had said, this story did actually wrap up quite nicely in the end. They had escorted the nation into the emergency room in which he was knocked out cold with drugs that may or may not have been approved as legal in the country and the expert doctors and surgeons really knew what they were doing. They managed to get England back slim and sexy once again, to which America approved very much after getting to see the results the following two days (accidentally entering the hospital room when England was preparing to leave and was changing from his hospital gown to the original clothes). And England was able to kick this horrible and humiliating addiction to hamburgers, he had come to understand that it wasn't good for him at all and that it would only prove to be too out of control if he continued to desire for another taste of one. Because he had actually gotten a whole new addiction after accidentally kissing his ex-brother on their way out of the hospital.

But that was okay, because this certain addiction was one that he could very much live with.

The End

I'm such a hopeless sucker for US/UK and just HAD to include the pairing even briefly by the end of the story, didn't I? :] Pfft, well I don't regret that at all! I must tell you all that this parody was especially fun to write out; because it seemed just oh so fitting for America and England, they both make an awesome Spongebob and Squidward, do they not? My only regret is that I feel like the story got pretty out of character at parts, but I will leave that up for you to make out where and interpret that yourself.

Naturally, I altered a lot of the dialogue and scenes. So I'm a little bit uneasy about how this parody was overall. Be honest here: did I pass or fail? *Points a gun to my head, just in case*

Okay, okay, I know that I've been slacking off on the updates and I'm very sorry! But after thinking about this episode's plot while reading some of the Hetalia manga, I couldn't ignore the idea in my head! LOL. But writing these things are incredibly fun and awesome, you'd be surprised by how well Spongebob fits with various anime. VERY SURPRISED.

As for my next blending of Spongebob and Hetalia...I was thinking about using the episode "Life of Crime" in which the two characters who get picked as Spongebob and Patrick (I was considering Italy and Japan...LOL...) get the day off and decide to spend their day with a balloon that they "borrowed". And then go to the point of hysteria and consider themselves as "criminals" after realizing they cannot return it after the balloon pops, and well, you get the picture. Do you think it's a good idea? To use Italy and Japan for those roles too? Please let me know.

Read and review~!