A/N: I own nothing, the song is 'I will not bow' sung by Breaking Benjamin. The men are care of themselves and I'm not stating that is a true accounting of their lives, just my own twisted and morbid interpretation brought on by listening to too much Rock.
Fall!
His head hung down, his hair laying in matted ringlets around his face. His face was a mask of blood and black and blue markings that crept down his throat and fanned out over his chest and sides. Inside of hideous bruises were open and bleeding welts; the shining and sticky blood crawling down over his pectorals, leaving ghastly finger like trails over the tanned skin. His eyes burned as he took in his surroundings, the racks and restraints sending a shuddering, bone shattering tremor through him. The walls around him were adorned with various 'toys' that through the course of the last week or so had been introduced to his person; each one leaving a mark of some sort or another that would soon heal but leaving even longer lasting ones on the inside where the hateful words that had been flung repeated endlessly like a horrible mantra.
He opened his mouth to yell, to scream out for help but all that came from him was a twisted and hoarse cry; his throat bruised and raw from repeated chokings, forced deep throat oral and screaming as foreign objects were rammed into places they weren't supposed to go. He tried to move his arms, but the chains that dug into his wrists refused to budge and he whimpered as white hot pain skittered through the appendages. Tears started to drop from his eyes; stinging a couple of the open wounds; but the small pain was nothing compared the soul devouring ache in the pit of his stomach. To have let himself get caught up in this-with him-again was a mistake of epic proportions. After all he and Hunter had worked towards, all the nightmares and memories that were damn near erased, he had easily let himself be led astray by one well told lie.
The door to the room creaked open and he turned his head; his muscles stiff and screaming out in protest at the motion but he ignored it as he watched the blonde man come closer, a wild glint glimmering in his eyes. Like all the times before there were no words spoken, just a hand stinging across his face then wrenching and tearing at his hair; pulling his head back as a foot pressed against his lower back and shoved him forwards. More tears rained down and his cracked and bitten til bleeding lips parted, his scream wrenched painfully from him. Lips ghosted across the back of his neck and he shivered, closing his eyes as he was ground into.
Blocking it out didn't work, his tormentor was on to his tricks and when he closed his eyes the stinging lash was brought down hard on his back, splitting the bruised and bleeding skin yet again. He steeled himself for what was to come, his body begging him to break and give Adam what he was looking for, but his mind wasn't done; the depravity of the situation awoken something in him, reminded him that he was strong, that Hunter had given back that part of his soul that Adam had tried to eradicate. When he felt Adam pressed against his back, he slammed backwards, driving Adam into the wall behind them. Mingled curses flew from both their lips and he fought, snarling and snapping at whatever he could reach as Adam tried to strengthen the restraints on him.
"Such fight, I thought I stamped that out?" Adam growled as he scrubbed his hand across his forehead to clear away the slow trickling sweat.
He didn't say anything he just worked up as much saliva as he could and sent it in Adam's direction, smirking when it landed on his cheek. His actions had repercussions, but he managed to smile; hissing threats as he felt his strength and belief in what he had with Hunter swell and fill him.
Now the dark begins to rise
Save your breath, it's far from over
Leave the lost and dead behind
Now's your chance to run for cover
I don't want to change the world,
I just want to leave it colder
Light the fuse and burn it up
Take the path that leads to nowhere
The games went on, Adam trying to fill his head with more lies; more hate for the man that had in effect given him back his wings. The beatings grew worse, marks up on marks left on his skin and welts turned to scars. Across his back a twisted version of what looked like roots grew; writhing and moving when ever he took a breath. His job had been lost; Adam keeping him confined with no ways to communicate with anyone. He knew his family was worried; Adam had let him hear the pleading words that Jeff had left on his voice mail, the Southern twang that marked them as brothers snapping and wavering as he all but cried into the small plastic device.
He learned to play the part, humbling himself even though it burned his belly to do it. Each touch made him want to jerk, but he held himself back, telling himself that he was just biding his time, waiting for the perfect time to strike. Slowly he seemed to earn Adam's trust, and he was released from his shackles for a few moments at a time. The chain manacles around his wrists removed even though the chain link pattern forever branded onto the strong joint from where he had fought and twisted until he bled. The removal had been painful, the open wounds had closed, fusing with the cold metal and when they were ripped away, fresh blood splattered the floor.
White bandages now adorned his wrists, the raw skin slathered in anti-biotic oinment as Adam tittered and carried on about how much he didn't want to have had hurt him. He rolled his eyes, his head down as he rested in a kneeling position as Adam checked the wrap to make sure it wouldn't come undone.
"Matty, I love you. You know that."
Adam's fingers clumsily traced over a particularly painful patch and he yanked his hand away; cradling it to his chest as he glared. With a sigh Adam pushed himself to his feet and took the bowl of bloodied and soapy water over to the sink and dumped it down; turning around to stare at him hard.
"You asked for this. Remember? When we first hooked up, do you remember what you told me. 'Rough and hard Addy, control me...break me.' I did that Matty, I did as you asked. And yet you go and tell everyone that I've abused you? You spread lies about me, sending that large nosed blood hound after me. Why? Why would you do that to me. We belong together Matty, I mean look. It's only you and I here, Hunter never came to get you, he never called...he doesn't love you Matty." Adam moved around, walking around Matt in circles, shaking his head slowly. "I know if I were in Hunter's shoes and someone took something that I profess to love so dearly I wouldn't rest until I have it returned, until I had you returned..."
Matt closed his eyes, the words flying home but he couldn't let it get to him, he couldn't break. Hunter's face floated in his minds eye, his blonde hair flowing around his face as his eyes glittered before he gave a command; the soft feel of his hands on his body as he prodded and pushed him to his breaking point. With a determined scowl on his face he raised his head, his chocolate eyes burning and his voice low as forced himself to speak.
"Lies. You are not even one tenth of the man Hunter is, his word is his bond. He's never lied to me, unlike you."
"Tsk,tsk Matty. You poor deluded fool, you can't see the writing on the wall."
With those words he left, flipping the switch and plunging the room into darkness after he once more chained Matt to the bed; leaving him to think and question himself.
All is lost again, but I'm not giving in...
I will not bow, I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away
It was in the darkness that the hate roiling in Matt's stomach exploded and when Adam came to feed him the next day he struck. Gripping his chains in his hands he swung them; catching Adam on the temple and sending him toppling to the floor. With a quickness that his battered body belied, he sprung and wrapped the thick chains around Adam's neck, tightening them as hard as he could. Slowly the fight in Adam's body slowed, his hands no longer gripping or tearing at Matt's arms and just as he stilled completely Matt let go, using his foot to kick Adam away. The lifeless body skidded a couple of feet before stopping, the blonde hair fanned out like rumpled yellow silk.
Matt stared at Adam's lifeless form for several long minutes; his eyes wide as it set in what he had done. However down in the pit of his soul he smiled, he was free; truly free of the demon that had haunted his life, that had tormented him relentlessly. Finally he managed to get his feet to move and he quickly patted down Adam's pockets, fishing the key out from the watch pocket in the front. With a loud clank he let the chains fall, watching them coil like a silver serpent at his feet, the last link falling on Adam's lower back. With a dark smirk he moved around the room, gathering clothes and first aid for his wounds.
Once night had fallen he snuck from the house, taking the keys and roaring away in Adam's car. The roads passed quickly and he stopped only twice on his mad dash back to where he felt comfortable. The miles fell away and it seemed like no time before he was standing at the front door, the porch lights flickering warmly. He trotted up and he raised his hand to knock, but just before it came into contact with the wood he let it fall back to his side. It was nearly 3 am, Hunter was no doubt sleeping and when Matt caught his reflection in the darkened window panes he shuddered; blood and dirt caked and streaked across every inch of his skin.
As quietly as he climbed the stairs, he descended and climbed back behind the wheel of his car. He put the car in neutral and ghosted backwards out to the street, leaving his lights off until he was on the street. A sad sigh escaped him as he took one last look at the house, at the place of calm in the storm he had raging inside of him. He wanted so badly to disappear into the house and curl up safe in warm in Hunter's arms, crying himself out as he was rocked and held tightly. His hand shook violently as he turned the key; the car firing over loudly in the quiet street. He closed his eyes and hit the accelerator, inhaling sharply as the car jumped forwards.
This time the miles crawled by, the day turning to night and then back again as he made his way home. The yard was over grown and his papers and mail lay littered on the porch and with a movement more attributed to a zombie he bent and picked it all up just to drop it on the floor in the foyer. His first order was to clean up and as the hot water rained down on him, his tears mingled and all the pain, anger and hurt swirled down the drain until the only emptiness remained. After changing his clothes, he rifled through his cupboards for something to eat even his appetite was gone. He moved out later to sit on the deck, scanning the woods of the place that had always calmed him, had always helped him put his life back into prospective before he had crossed paths with Hunter.
Darkness crept in and the quiet chirpping of crickets echoed around him and he smiled-a small smile, but a smile none the less-as he fished his phone from his pocket and started to return the missed calls; his body vibrating as more than one shrieked 'What the Fuck happened' and 'where the fuck were you' sounded in his ears. The clock struck 1 am before he was done calling those closest to him and as he shut the face plate the hole in his soul made itself know; taunting him that he didn't call everyone. With a snarl he pushed the voice away, telling it and himself that Hunter was better off without him. Numbly he got up from his chair and drug himself to his bed, falling down and blacking out the minute his head hit the pillow.
Watch the end through dying eyes
Now the dark is taking over
Show me where forever dies
Take the fall and run to heaven
The place looked the same, and Jeff come round often to check on him; his green eyes full of fear and sadness at the twisted shell of his brother. Gone was the playful smile and sparkling eyes, in it's place a darkness that consumed him and filled him with hate. Each day that he woke up he turned on his tv with the deep fear of the cops coming and breaking down his door and dragging him off to jail. He started looking more and more like the tweaker everyone thought his brother was and it wasn't long before he just quit leaving the house all together. The shades were always drawn and the locks changed preventing anyone that had had a key from entering.
After three weeks of the hiding and suspicious behaviour Jeff managed to extract him from the house; forcing him into contact with Greg and Shannon for an evening of bowling. It took a while but soon he was smiling, the light momentarily shining in his eyes as he joked with Greg. From the sidelines Jeff watched on, taking a couple of pictures and sending them on their way without Matt ever knowing and his heart breaking as the skeletal frame of his once slightly husky brother moved about on creaking bones. The band of friends parted ways after closing down the bowling alley and one of the local bars; Matt tripping over his feet as he giggled and snickered, his words slurred to the point of being intelligible.
They made an odd looking procession heading up the stairs, Matt stopping every so often to take a deep breath while Lucas weaved between their feet. Finally after much pulling and prodding Jeff managed to get Matt to his room, and before he had a chance to pass out Jeff rid him of his clothes. The moment the shirt came off over his head he stilled; the fabric falling from his fingers to land soundlessly on the floor. The twisted roots on his brother's back moved with each breath and with a shaking hand Jeff reached out to touch one; the twisted and gnarled skin making his stomach to lurch sickeningly.
"Jeff..."
Wobbily Matt turned and the scars on his chest made Jeff even sicker, the criss crosses going from shoulder to hip and back again. The wrists were the worst and Jeff barely made it to the in room bathroom before he vomited; his dinner expelling from him at such a speed that it sent a mixture of the bile and toilet water splashing back at him. He heard Matt's shuffling gait and grabbed one of the towel from the rack and swiped it over his face, turning to look at the specter in the doorway. It looked like his brother, it sounded like his brother; but it couldn't be, Matt's skin was always flawless, the dark coloring perfect with his soulful brown eyes and quick smile. Shaking Jeff pushed to his feet and wrapped his arms around his brother; holding him close and crying silently.
"Matty, what happened to you? Who did this?"
"It don't matter, it can't be undone."
The monotone voice was back and Jeff pulled away slightly, his watery green eyes locked with the dull, dead brown ones; begging his brother to say something, anything to help him understand. Instead all he got was mumbled and garbled words, and something that sounded suspiciously like 'you weren't supposed to see'
And I'll survive, paranoid
I have lost the will to change
And I'm not proud, cold blooded fake
I will shut the world away
He was relaxing on the deck, Lucas curled in his lap snoring in the mid-day sun as Matt stared out over the expanse of his land. He raised his hand in lazy greeting as Jeff, Shannon and Greg tromped up and sat in a semi-circle around him. Confusion crossed his face and he went to stand but the three men were quicker; two grabbed his arms and one sat in his lap.
"Hey, what the fuck!"
"Matty you need this..." Jeff said soothingly as he stroked Matt's curls before turning his head and letting out a loud whistle.
The confusion increased and he struggled, the old feeling of being helpless rising and choking him. He bucked and shifted, turning his head to try and bite anything that was in reach only to be held tighter and pressed down harder onto the wooden bench. Through his fighting and choked pleads the sound of crunching gravel and dry leaves reached his ears and as wild as his eyes were, he looked out; tears pouring immediately from his eyes when he seen Hunter standing at the base of the steps. Jeff, Shannon and Greg let go and moved away watching as Hunter mounted the stairs and stood before Matt.
He swallowed hard and slid from the bench, hitting his knees out of respect and bowing his head so that the only evidence of his tears were the splatters on his jeans. A gentle hand on his chin tilted his head up and his lips quivired madly was he stared up, his breath stolen by the perfection in front of him.
"Stand." Hunter commanded softly, the pad of his thumb rubbing over the stubble that dotted his jaw.
Without question Matt obeyed, his brain shut down except for the need to comply with Hunter's wishes. He felt himself crushed to the muscled chest yet he couldn't bring himself to do what his brain was screaming at him to do, to wrap his arms around Hunter and beg his forgiveness for being weak and letting himself be used and marked up by another. Hunter's hands slid down Matt's sides then up under his shirt; stopping when they came in contact with the first scar. Fear twisted Matt's stomach but he couldn't make a noise to stop Hunter's inspection and with a flick of Hunter's wrists he was bare from the waist up. The sound of indrawn breaths made Matt shiver and tried to cover to himself, his arms crossing over his chest as he stared at his feet.
"Matt..." Hunter's voice was hushed, the one world holding a wealth of questions that Matt didn't know if he was strong enough to answer.
"Please stop touching me."
"No."
"Pothole."
A smile spread across Hunter's face, confusing the others as they flicked their eyes back and forth between the two men. Slowly the smile was returned and while the road ahead was going to be rocky, it wasn't impossible and finally Matt let go of his fears and threw himself at Hunter, wrapping his arms around the man that sustained him in thought and drove him forwards through his troubles. They left the group on the porch and headed upstairs, lying intertwined on the bed; content to just hold each other, words forgotten as their souls reconnected and Matt realized that through his hardship, he had finally laid the ghosts of his past to rest and was free to move on with his life with the man he loved with all his heart.
I will not bow, I will not break
I will shut the world away
I will not fall, I will not fade
I will take your breath away